My mother put my DD in care of a total stranger

[Noodle1963]

Ok I am new to this, but feel I have to get this off my chest. 1st August first day of annual child care 2 DD's with parents whilst I am at work (in the same town). DD2 and mother came to place of work and I asked where DD1 was, mother replied she has gone off with Lucy and her parents. Who I asked are Lucy's Parents? They are the the daughter and sil of my neighbour. Where has DD2 gone? and do you have a phone number? I don't know and no I have no phone number. As this point my mother stormed out of my workplace saying I can never do anything right. I had to inform my boss that I needed to find out where and who my DD was with, so locked the shop (in a state of panic) and went to see the neighbour, she gave me contact details of her daughter and I was able to phone and find out what was happening myself.

I went to pick my kids up after work and was then told to P--S off and get out of our lives by my Mum and Dad in front of my kids!

I was then in a state of shock and had to find alternative child care for the next 6 weeks of the holiday. My mother has not spoken to me since but has tried to contact my kids, I told her I want an apology for the kids and for me and the phone was then put down on me.

All this because I was concerned about my child.

I must just say my 13 year old was with my mother and was not sent out with the strangers!

The insurance/CRB is if I take them out for a school trip!

It's perfectly clear. Dd1 was with the neighbour.

Okay cross post, not what the OP says, BTW.

Okay yeah then YANBU
13 might be a bit more of a grey area but 9 is far too young.

Yanbu at all, they were supposed to look after your Chidren not someone you had ever met, tey did not contact you to ask their permission. They are in the wrong!

I think you owe your Mum an apology.

Your dd is 13? I thought you were taking about a baby!

Your OP said "DD2 and mother came to place of work and I asked where DD1 was", are you saying it was the other way round?

yes - I agree with It'sAll.

I think your reaction was OTT. Closing the shop, leaving work? Your dd, not clear if it was the 13 yr old or the 9 yr old, was in your mother's care. She allowed her to go off for the day, NOT with a stranger, but someone dd had made friends with, a relative of your mother's neighbour, whom she obviously trusts.

Your point about the CRB check etc doesn't stand up, because it was a special case. People give their dd's friends a lift all the time without it.

Can't comment on the row that's resulted, but sounds to me like six of one and half a dozen of the other.

I do understand your concern but think it might help if you consider how different things were on all these issues a generation ago - everything was much more relaxed then.
I think I'd more stress to my Mum that I wanted them to have a contact number for dd's friends/ friends parents, and tell me about any developments to plans as well in the future.

TheyABU - in that it is not their decision who your daughter goes off with, but unless they have previous form for bad decision making then I think you should trust their judgement. After-all you trust them enough for them to look after your children.

YABU - for leaving work - total over reaction for a 13 year old. Think you may need to re-evaluate your apron strings there.

At 13 and 9, I think YABU - especially to leave work (and close the shop entirely) "in a panic". Your DD was playing with a friend - your house was not on fire...

You clearly have not provided your children with adequate life skills to care for themselves - a 13 year old (unless they have SNs) should not require that level of care - in fact, there is no reason that the 13 year old can't care for the 9 year old.

And just because YOU don't know the neighbour, doesn't mean your mum didn't.

But, you flew off the handle and flipped out over something that was NOT an emergency, and lost your (likely free or very low cost) child care in the process. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to sod off.

The longer you wrap your children in cotton wool, the more at risk they become.

And honestly Noodle? CRB and insurance to take your DC's friend somewhere? What sort of paranoid world do you live in?!!!?

And honestly Noodle? CRB and insurance to take your DC's friend somewhere? What sort of paranoid world do you live in?!!!?

I was gonna say the same. Sorry but the above makes you seem a bit unhinged......are you a bit paranoid about safety to the point of it being detrimental?

Okay so it was the 9 year old who was out?

That is a bit different and I wouldn't be happy not knowing where my 9 year old was and who they were with.

So do your parents have form for this or is it a one off?

If a one off, I wouldn't be burning bridges.

Honestly? I think you over-reacted. And I only have a PFB 8 yo. If he'd been with my mum and gone off with the neighbour's daughter and child I think I would have been a bit surprised, sure. I would definitely have asked mum to get a contact number next time, but that would have been it.

They are strangers to you not to your mother. Kids hit it off, the other mother said, 'oh we are just popping down the park does your GC want to come with us?' Mother said 'sounds great.'

It really is as simple as that. I think you panicked over nothing. Can't comment on the subsequent row, but I think you totally, totally over-reacted.

Have you reacted like this with your parents before? Maybe they just have had enough. They shouldn't have talked to you like that In front of the kids but maybe there is more to it.

Regardless of which DD it was, I would be very cross about this. But then again, I absolutely KNOW my parents and in laws would never ever do such a thing. And they would certainly apologise if they had done something I was displeased about, and would never ever speak to me like that, with or without the DC present. Absolutely disgusting.

Say MIL and the DDs were in town and DD bumped into a friend who was just off to the cinema - I would expect , and get, a call to ASK, if DD (also 13) could go, and I would want to know pickup/home times etc.

Massive over reaction. YABU.

Just thinking about this further, my DS goes to other children's houses to play, and they come to ours. Yes, we've met most of them at the school gate and have contact numbers, but I can't say I know the other school-gate parents. Or their family members. So in that sense, I'm often sending my DS off in the care of complete strangers. It's really not that much of a biggie.

Doesn't your 13 yo go to friend's houses? Have you met all the other parents?

I think you've over reacted. Your daughter is 9 years old not 9 months old. I don't blame your mum for being pissed off with you, although I do blame her for telling you to piss off in front of the kids - that's not nice, as you obviously don't trust her judgement at all.

If this is the 13 year old you are over reacting massivley.

My dd and ds1 were out with friends, looking after themselves in teh holidays. Doesnt she have a mobile phone?

I asked where DD1 was ... Where has DD2 gone?

I'm confused - was it DD1 or DD2?

Whichever one it was, I think you were totally over-reacting - they're not tiny kids. You trust your parents to look after your kids full time during the school holidays (presumably unpaid) so therefore they're acting in loco parentis - you've given them permission to make parenting decisions on your behalf. I think you've behaved really badly and you should apologise to them tbh.

You over reacted.

How well do you know your neigbour?

TBH if someone I know well deemed it ok for my DC aged 9'and 13 to go out with someone they know well I'd be ok with that.

And honestly Noodle? CRB and insurance to take your DC's friend somewhere? What sort of paranoid world do you live in?!!!?

^^This is about being a helper/driver for school trips, not about just giving a friend's kid a lift home - which is at the other parents judgement. Our school requires volunteer drivers for choir/sports fixtures etc to be CRBd, submit a signed form that states you have a clean licence, details of the insurer and expiry date, and MOT!

YES I am serious and I am GLAD of it - because that means they are doing all they can to ensure the people driving are sensible responsible drivers.

Not everyone drives their own DC round safely, in a well maintained car, with a valid licence and current insurance you know!