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Original poster

My mother put my DD in care of a total stranger

153 replies

Noodle1963 · 10/09/2013 13:34

Ok I am new to this, but feel I have to get this off my chest. 1st August first day of annual child care 2 DD's with parents whilst I am at work (in the same town). DD2 and mother came to place of work and I asked where DD1 was, mother replied she has gone off with Lucy and her parents. Who I asked are Lucy's Parents? They are the the daughter and sil of my neighbour. Where has DD2 gone? and do you have a phone number? I don't know and no I have no phone number. As this point my mother stormed out of my workplace saying I can never do anything right. I had to inform my boss that I needed to find out where and who my DD was with, so locked the shop (in a state of panic) and went to see the neighbour, she gave me contact details of her daughter and I was able to phone and find out what was happening myself.

I went to pick my kids up after work and was then told to P--S off and get out of our lives by my Mum and Dad in front of my kids!

I was then in a state of shock and had to find alternative child care for the next 6 weeks of the holiday. My mother has not spoken to me since but has tried to contact my kids, I told her I want an apology for the kids and for me and the phone was then put down on me.

All this because I was concerned about my child.

OP posts:
Loa · 10/09/2013 16:40

Maybe I'm reading wrong - I thought it was the relative of the mother's neighbor not the mother neighbor.

Someone presumably OP mother doesn't really know well - let alone OP.

Gruntfuttock · 10/09/2013 16:50

Yes the 9 yr old was with the SIL of the mother's neighbour. That's not on IMO. The OP's mother had no idea where they'd gone and didn't have a phone no. so they couldn't be contacted. That's not on IMO. At the very least they should be contactable so that the OP can find out when they're bring her 9 yr old back

FixItUpChappie · 10/09/2013 16:53

No, I completely agree with you OP - it is not for you mother to be irresponsible and take chances with your child. It is downright odd to have sent her off with those people and with absolutely no contact information to boot.

The way your parents spoke to you and reacted was also very childish and inappropriate. I'm guessing they can be difficult in general?

WilsonFrickett · 10/09/2013 16:54

No, the 9 yo was with the neighbour's grown up daughter, her husband and their own child, the neighbour's grandchild. Who presumably had hit it off with the OP's 9 yo, so was taken out with the neighbour's close family.

It is a vair confusing OP!

mathanxiety · 10/09/2013 16:58

I don't think you overreacted. Allowing someone who is not actually known to you to take a 9 yo child you are taking care of out for the day to another unknown location in a car without asking for contact details is irresponsible, and disrespectful to you.

The 9 yo doesn't have a phone.
The person the gran allowed the child to go off with is the daughter and son in law of the woman she knows.
The granny does not know the daughter or her husband (Lucy's parents) personally - she knows the parent of Lucy's mother.

Your mother should have run it past you first.
Failing that, she should have got contact details and location the DD was being taken to, as well as estimated time of return.

I think your mum sounds a bit dothery tbh.

She expected you to know who 'Lucy' was and who Lucy's parents were, and seemed upset at being 'not able to do anything right' -- I wonder if she has had lapses of judgement or competence before, if she has been losing things or forgetting things she went out shopping for or getting lost when out driving or walking, or forgetting to pay bills, etc? Hence the soreness of her remark when challenged on this lapse of judgement.

I'm not sure what to think of her taking older DD to your place of work -- unless she was there to buy a newspaper or some other reasonable errand then I would be inclined to lump it in with other hints that she may be starting to get old and go downhill mentally.

I think your dad may be worried about her, and stood up for her, presenting a unified front to you since you had uncovered their little secret. Older people are sometimes in denial about one or both members of a couple being less than competent and can be quite defensive about it.

If your mum is starting to get irresponsible or forgetful or too trusting with other people then I think getting mad with her is counter productive. It won't make her better able to take care of your DDs.

MerryOnMerlot · 10/09/2013 16:59

13, ffs, I presumed you were talking about a toddler.

^^ this. You totally over-reacted.

I'm not surprised your parents aren't speaking to you. You obviously have no idea how insulting you have been. I mean, it's not like they haven't been doing the parenting bit a tad longer than you have.

Sense of perspective required methinks.

Mintyy · 10/09/2013 17:00

The thread title says it all: "A total stranger".

It is not on for op's mum to sanction that without asking op first.

Am amazed anyone would think differently.

mathanxiety · 10/09/2013 17:00

Not 13, it was a 9 yo..

Gruntfuttock · 10/09/2013 17:02

MerryOnMerlot It was the 9 yr old. The OP's mother let the 9 yr old go somewhere (she didn't know where) with the neighbour's SIL and didn't even have her phone no. for her. The OP therefore couldn't even contact the neighbour's relative to find out when they were returning.

Mintyy · 10/09/2013 17:03

MerryonMerlot
Having a read of the whole thread is on for you, methinks. But, no, you were in too much of a hurry to make your spiteful little comment to op weren't you? Could almost see you rubbing your hands gleefully as your hit post on that one!

WilsonFrickett · 10/09/2013 17:04

Daughter and son-in-law not sister-in-law

MerryOnMerlot · 10/09/2013 17:09

OK Gruntfuttock & Mintyy to clarify, I read:

DD2 and mother came to place of work from the original post and assumed the 9 yr old was with DM. As my post clearly states I was referring to the 13 yr old, NOT the 9 yr old.

No spite or hand rubbing involved.

piratecat · 10/09/2013 17:09

yanbu

i would like to know where my 9 yr old was and who with.

Lweji · 10/09/2013 17:11

I wouldn't be this upset if it was with my 8 year old.

Not ideal, but not particularly upset.

I'd expect DD to be back at least by the end of the afternoon, and could then find out contact details if they were not back by then.

No reason to close up shop. In a panic. Really? Shock

Lweji · 10/09/2013 17:17

You could easily have told your mother to, in future, check with you first and get contact details.

It was not a 9 month old.

cjel · 10/09/2013 17:29

Mathanxiety. In my world we like and know each others neighbours and their families. It is not a sign of mental illness for kids to mix with each other, it is a sign of a lovely community. One of my neighbours sent over their dg to call for mine as they were both staying and as she came in and stayed to play her mum came over 20mins later to make sure it wasn't an imposition in her jamas and wellies, the parents and grandparents are househhold names and well educated people it is lovely way to raise children, not a sign of dementia.

kiriwawa · 10/09/2013 18:04

Blimey math, it's a bit of a leap to suspect dementia because the OP's mother let her DD go off with her friend and her parents Hmm

Thymeout · 10/09/2013 18:37

Math - I don't think it's the gm's mental health that's in doubt here. She wasn't the one who 'was in a state of panic' and shut up shop when she heard that dd was out with a friend, known to gm, so not a stranger.

OP I'd also like to know what you said to your dp's before you were told to piss off.

I'm with Beesmom on this.

defineme · 10/09/2013 18:47

I would be worried- I don't think relatives of a person Grandma has known only for 8 months is a particularly close connection. Over the road to their house to play-fine, off in a car to an unspecified location, no contact details and no expected time of return.
I would have told my mum to go and find out all this info, but she wouldn't have stormed off and she wouldn't have done this in the first place-she rings me to check it's ok if someone invites my 8 yrolds home after school when she picks them up.
The school won't let my year 4 twins who are nearly 9 leave school with anyone who's not on their contact list- how is this different?

Thymeout · 10/09/2013 18:58

Defineme - because in this case the gm was in loco parentis. The OP is trusting her to look after her gc for six weeks. She has to be allowed to use her own judgment. Your dm ringing you re after-school playdate is because she doesn't know the other mother.

It's really insulting for gm, who has brought up her own family, to be treated as an incompetent halfwit. She's not OP's nanny, an employee who needs micromanagement.

Original poster
Noodle1963 · 10/09/2013 20:48

Thanks for all your comments, just proves that no two parents are the same or have the same values! Including your own!

Buy for now

Until the next time xx

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 11/09/2013 06:02

I agree Defineme, and I stand by my suspicions that the granny here is beginning to show signs of mental deterioration.

To me, showing up at the shop with the other child and expecting the mother to know who Lucy was means the granny sees herself as a child in relation to the OP. My own DCs have come in from playing minus one of the group and when asked where that child was, they said something very similar to what the granny said - 'She's with Julia. They went to see the Xs' puppy'... No point being angry with someone who is starting to go downhill like this and behaving like a child.

The granny didn't know the people she sent the DD off with. She knew those people's mother. For eight months. That is not long enough to get to know someone's extended family. And it was a serious lapse of judgement for someone in loco parentis to let a child off with no idea where she was going and no way to contact the strangers she let the child go with. Just having the label doesn't make you sensible, or capable. Sometimes everyone gets a little bit of a wakeup call when an older parent stops being reliable. Most of the time no harm is done to anyone, but it behoves parents who rely on their own parents for childcare to keep a weather eye out.

ChocolateBridesmaid · 11/09/2013 09:37

You are most definitely not being unreasonable.
Your mother on the other hand is.
She had no right to allow your child to go off with anyone without checking with you first regardless of your child's age.

jacks365 · 11/09/2013 10:05

If my children are with my parents I trust my parents to make any judgements about things like this. If I couldn't trust their decisions I wouldn't leave my children with them. It boils down to trust, do you trust your mums judgement or not?

dubstarr73 · 11/09/2013 11:29

So op who is doing your childcare now.