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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mother put my DD in care of a total stranger

153 replies

Noodle1963 · 10/09/2013 13:34

Ok I am new to this, but feel I have to get this off my chest. 1st August first day of annual child care 2 DD's with parents whilst I am at work (in the same town). DD2 and mother came to place of work and I asked where DD1 was, mother replied she has gone off with Lucy and her parents. Who I asked are Lucy's Parents? They are the the daughter and sil of my neighbour. Where has DD2 gone? and do you have a phone number? I don't know and no I have no phone number. As this point my mother stormed out of my workplace saying I can never do anything right. I had to inform my boss that I needed to find out where and who my DD was with, so locked the shop (in a state of panic) and went to see the neighbour, she gave me contact details of her daughter and I was able to phone and find out what was happening myself.

I went to pick my kids up after work and was then told to P--S off and get out of our lives by my Mum and Dad in front of my kids!

I was then in a state of shock and had to find alternative child care for the next 6 weeks of the holiday. My mother has not spoken to me since but has tried to contact my kids, I told her I want an apology for the kids and for me and the phone was then put down on me.

All this because I was concerned about my child.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 10/09/2013 14:57

Erm, it was the 9 year old who went off with someone, who your Mum doesn't know, but was the SIL of someone she knows, and not someone she's known for a long time? And your mum had no idea where she was, or how to contact thta person? YANBU - if it was the 13 year old who'd gone off you might be being U because you should expect them to be a little more independent, but not a 9 year old.

BTW - even if you make up and she apologises, don't leave her in sole charge of your DCs. Not worth the stress.

Original poster

Noodle1963 · 10/09/2013 14:57

Sorry, but all I said was where is DD2, who is she with and what time is she coming home. Is this so bad?

My mother only lives 2 minutes from where I work, it was not a problem to shut the shop I have to do it to go to the bank.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 10/09/2013 14:59

Massive over reaction on your part.

I'm not surprised your mum is pissed off.

You could have asked your mum to get the phone no.

WilsonFrickett · 10/09/2013 15:00

No don't mind DD9 went off with neighbour's daughter, her husband and their child. And while OP's mum didn't have a contact number, I'm sure she could have got one from the neighbour easily enough.

sashh · 10/09/2013 15:01

MY 13 year old is not the issue!!!!!

Calm down, reread your OP, it could have been either or both from what you actually posted.

Pachacuti · 10/09/2013 15:02

So you calmly said "where is DD2, who is she with and what time is she coming home?" and then when your mother told you that she was with someone you didn't know, in a place she didn't know, and she didn't know what time she was coming home you said nothing else at all to your mother? She just stormed out before you had a chance to say anything?

cjel · 10/09/2013 15:02

why are you apologising? you asked AIBU and some of us said yes?But it wasn't only what you said it was what you did as well. Your parents were doing you a big favour and they were responsible for your DDs, they were trusted to look after them for 6 weeks and you flounced the first day they were giving them a good holiday.

usualsuspect · 10/09/2013 15:03

I also think you are wrong to stop her seeing her grandchildren.

Mintyy · 10/09/2013 15:08

Yanbu at all op. I would have been totally livid if anyone who I had asked to look after my children had let them go off with people unknown to me, even at 9 and 13.

MrsWembley · 10/09/2013 15:15

Quite an overreaction and YAB alittle U. They shouldn't have said what they did in front of the DCs, though. How about you sit down with them and talk about it like grown-ups over a glass of something?

Beastofburden · 10/09/2013 15:18

wow phantom, you got a poltergeist in your phone?

though, MNHQ if you are there?? it is time you did something about your crappy servers, the site falls over half the time, and we often get multiple posts from people clicking twice because nothing is happening

reelingintheyears · 10/09/2013 15:21

Sorry OP but I can't agree with you.
I used to leave mine with my Mum for a week sometimes because I trusted her and because they all loved each other and had a gas.
If she were to let them go to the park or something with a neighbours DD and her DC I would honestly not have batted an eyelid.
Rather more if she'd been having them a lot i'd have though 'good on her' for getting herself a couple of hours child free.

They should not have sworn at you.

ll31 · 10/09/2013 15:29

Think yabu. So all you had to do was ring neighbour to get contact details. You sound quite oTt. Do you not trust your mother's judgement? And if not why use her for childcare...

Platinumstart · 10/09/2013 15:33

If you want the benefit of free (or at least cheap) child care then you need to give the person providing it freedom to make what they believe to be the right decision.

Either you trust them to do what is right by your children or you don't. And if you do that should include allowing them to make appropriate decisions.

pianodoodle · 10/09/2013 15:34

Your parents shouldn't have sworn etc... but I suspect your mum must have felt really embarrassed at your work being made to look like she was incompetent.

teenagetantrums · 10/09/2013 15:39

really is it worth falling out with them over, both daughters are fine, why would you just not say don't let them go without getting contact details first, what did you think was going to happen?

notanyanymore · 10/09/2013 16:12

To be honest, I wouldn't question a bit if my mum let my dd go off to play with someone, as I completely trust her judgement. And from what you've written, it wouldn't have been an issue for me if my mum did do it, although knowing her I don't think she would!
However, if I did question something like that, she wouldn't react like your mum has either. So, I think you've both been unreasonable! Maybe you just don't have the right sort of relationship for her to be providing childcare for you?

Twattybollocks · 10/09/2013 16:21

I think you are both being a bit bonkers tbh. You do not know Lucy or her parents, but presumably your mother does, and you trusted her enough to look after your 2 dds for the day. Also, at 13 most kids are competent enough to be out alone for at least part of the day.
If think you were a bit Ott being angry with your mother, and she was a bit Ott in her response later that day.
I think I would have just said "I'd be happier with a phone number for them and knowing where they are going next time please" and that would be about it.

Turniptwirl · 10/09/2013 16:24

You are both unreasonable. At 9 and 13, you need to get used to the idea that pretty soon if not already, you won't know where they are every second or who they're with and certainly not the parents of who they're with. Leaving work when your 9 year old was with a friend and her parents is an overreaction and I bet it didn't go down well with your boss. But your mum also overreacted in response to your concern.

Loa · 10/09/2013 16:28

I wouldn't be happy with my 9 year old going out with relatives of a neighbor of one of my relatives with no contact details no indication of where there were going or what time they were coming back.

I'd be especially annoyed if I believe the 9 year old was somewhere completely different.

I'm really surprised others would be.

Loa · 10/09/2013 16:29

The 13 year old - well that is different that four more years and a lot more development though I would like to know where they were and when they'd be back.

SoonToBeSix · 10/09/2013 16:32

13 ? Why would they even need a babysitter . Yabu and very paranoid.

maddening · 10/09/2013 16:36

Was the neighbour a stranger to your mum - if it were my mum and it was someone she knew well then I would trust her judgement - so i would say that if she knows her neighbour well then yabu.

Her reaction sounds ott too - unless there is a back history that you are not telling - either she is always flouncy or you have form for over reacting/making her feel bad?

Loa · 10/09/2013 16:37

I don't think the Op is saying the 13 year old needs a baby sitter - the 13 year old was just with her mother when she found out about the 9 year old.

I'd just expect to have a rough idea where my 13 year old was and when they'd come back - so if they don't make it back I know where to start looking and a rough idea when to start worrying.

The OP is talking about a 9 year old.

I'd be happy for my 9 year old to play with my neighbors or visits their friends house - so I had idea where they were. I think that is different to people I don't know taking my 9 year old to a different location I don't know.