So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

[Babybunny88]

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

[Junebugjr]

I think you have handled things perfectly OP.

Don't let others undermine or minimise your feelings, whether its your DP, supposed friends or people on an Internet forum. If YOU feel hurt, betrayed etc, then you do, and are adult enough to make decisions to stop this happening in the future. If you think you can't get passed this with A then that's completely up to you, your choice.
Possibly this could have been salvaged if A had properly apologised, but by redirecting the blame onto you instead of fully taking it on the chin, I think it proved what sort of person she was. The most important thing is that you and your partner have made up.

[Bogeyface]

Northern

Further to that, I assume that you havent been the victim of an arch manipulator? This is the marriage version of a Wendy, she is doing exactly what Wendys do in a friendship group, alienate one person in order to take over the Alpha status.

[kali110]

Glad you and dp are sorting things out op!
Dont blame you for not wanting to speak to A now. If shes always been a good friend maybe in future you may speak again. If however shes always been sly then youve saved yourself time!
I do agree with some of northerns points though that it is unrealistic to stop dp speaking about dd. dont blame you for not letting her see dd or come into your house. But maybe bit ott by saying he cant speak about dd or u. By this i dont mean though that he should ever say things that are personal to you, i mean things like how is babybunny? Etc is dp just to say cant tell you.

[foreverondiet]

Ok it's a bit upsetting. Can't work out how old your baby is - eg whilst I think it would be totally unjustified if your baby was less than 6 months old if she is older than 12 months then maybe your friend is concerned for your health. For fwiw when my ds2 was 10 weeks old I also had gone from a 10 to a 14 and my mum said similar to my face - ie that I was putting my health at risk.... She shouldn't have said it, your dp shouldn't have continued the conversation but ditch her as a friend and move on.

[kali110]

I honestly dont think a was worried about her health. If she was there are so many ways she could have put it.it was just a nasty comment.

[Inertia]

NorthernLurker - based on the original post, and the way the conversation between A and DP panned out. A was clearly looking for a way in to create a divisive situation where she could split the couple and set up a conspiratorial situation with each of them, but DP took the bait with the weight/pies line.

If A was actually bothered about Bunny's health or weight in a genuinely concerned way, she wouldn't have made curry then made a big song and dance about how calorie-laden it was.

[Bogeyface]

I really wish the OP hadnt mentioned the weight thing.

If she had said it was about hair colour or intelligence or her car then everyone would have been on the same side.

The texts are clearly not from someone concerned about anothers health, but someone trying to shit stir.

[zatyaballerina]

It's good to hear you've a result that your happy with. Some people have wrongly accused you of being harsh or controlling, If you reacted in the way they suggest your dp and A would have taken it as a licence to continue their disrespectful attitude toward you and their awful behaviour would have escalated, bullies always exploit weakness.

It's lovely to see people standing up for themselves and demanding the respect they deserve, too many people put up with shit so as not to offend the obnoxious, the rude, the bullying....

You are entitled to have only people you're comfortable with in your own home, you're entitled to be respected as you respect others, ignore anyone who tells you otherwise

[geekgal]

Glad things are sorted for you babybunny, and glad your guy has turned out to be more decent than he seemed the other night! Good luck to you and hope things work out in future

[ToffeeCaramel]

Good post zatyaballerina

[LondonNinja]

1. this is not about weight
   
2. OP, you have a right to feel the way you feel and, frankly, bugger anyone else's opinion on what is a supposedly appropriate reaction
   
3. A overstepped the mark: you know it, she knows it and (thanks be) so does your DP.
   
4. if any 'friend' of mine tried to belittle me in an, erm, "jokey" manner, I'd be calling time on it. There's a difference between respectful joshing and back-biting.
   
   Sleep well, OP, I'm glad you have addressed it and that your DP has come to his own conclusions.

[ExcuseTypos]

Zaty, I don't think anyone is saying the OP doesn't deserve to feel comfortable or respected. Of course she is, but in demanded her P never speaks about his own child to a friend, she is IMO going too far.

[BOF]

I presume that babybunny wasn't referring to ordinary conversation, but that she would rather her DP refrained from backbiting and bitching, no matter how "lollish" it seems.

[ExcuseTypos]

"definitely do not want him to discuss me, DD or any part of our relationship with her. If i found out he has been talking about me or DD to cuntface he will be a sorry man indeed"

I interpreted that as any discussions about the DD. I hope I'm incorrect because it does seem rather extreme.

[BOF]

Who gives a shit, tbh? It's completely up to the OP, and she can handle it whatever way she chooses. The main issue is that her DP knows she won't tolerate being undermined by their sweetie wifey gossip. Fair do's.

[northernlurker]

BOF I think she means conversation full stop about her or dd. She said 'definitely do not want him to discuss me, DD or any part of our relationship with her. If i found out he has been talking about me or DD to cuntface he will be a sorry man indeed'. I read that as meaning the partner is not to discuss his child with his friend at all unless he wants some serious trouble from the OP. I'm not at all comfortable with that.

Regarding the manipulation of the situation that some see here - not quite sure how this manipulation was supposed to work - the 'target', the OP's partner, mentioned the curry first and the whole farrago occurred in texts on a phone she couldn't have expected the OP to see.

[BOF]

I've counselled a de-escalating approach all the way through this thread too, NorthernLurker. I just don't think that the OP needs to continue having this patronising 'friend' in her life. If she is feeling very militant about that just now, it's completely understandable, and doesn't mean it's necessarily set in stone. I think she's perfectly entitled to draw her own boundaries though, and she takes priority over anybody outside the relationship.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Come on, OP has done well. She was obviously truly devastated by the conversation between A and her dp - she hasn't banned dp from any contact or friendship between them - just laid some boundaries. She's entitled to do that under the the circumstances. I think that's reasonable. She's saying 'you will not discuss our personal relationship with A' - considering what A felt free to say about her I would say that telling him not to discuss their dd is also reasonable. What if her "LOL" criticism turned onto the raising of her dd? OP is protecting herself and her daughter.

[Elsiequadrille]

I think that's quite a positive conclusion for you, OP. Hope you're feeling better now.

[ExcuseTypos]

I agree with everything else the Op has done and said, I just hope she realises that insisting a father doesn't speak to someone about their own child, is going a bit far.

[Bogeyface]

but in demanded her P never speaks about his own child to a friend, she is IMO going too far.
What kind of friend does what A has done? If she was so much of a friend and was innocent then the OH would not have apologised and asked A to back off as he has done.

I read that as meaning the partner is not to discuss his child with his friend at all unless he wants some serious trouble from the OP. I'm not at all comfortable with that.
What are you comfortable with? Should the OP say "well I wasnt happy about what she said, and the ammunition she used against me, but you can talk to her about whatever you like"? This woman does have an agenda, whatever that is and she clearly is not above using dirty tactics to achieve her aims (again, whatever they are). I dont think that the OP is BU to say that whatever her OH chooses to do in regards to this "friendship", he should not ever say anything about the OP or their DC, as there is a risk that A could use it to further manipulate. It isnt controlling, it is defensive and protective.

[HollyShort]

Good for you for standing up for yourself OP.

One thing that gets me when one half of a couple falls out with a mutual friend. There is a stupid spat, falling out for no reason that yes should lead to the non- falling out partner to tell them to stop being idiots. Then there is the mutual friend being cut off due to being horribly bitchy. If my DP wanted to stay friends with someone that had been so nasty and backstabbing to me I would seriously doubt my relationship with him if he wanted to stay friends. I don't want to stay friends with people who treat those I love with such disrespect. Very few people would stay friends with someone who treated their sibling or platonic best friend in that way yet when it comes to the person you're supposed to forsake above all others it is suddenly fine and to expect loyalty is unreasonable.

That said I wouldn't issue ultimatums. I'd simply dump the cunt that wanted to be friends with someone that treated me like shit. I've no space for toxic backstabbers and their games, probably why I don't have that many friends. But at least every one i do have I can rely on 100%.

[StuntGirl]

I'm glad he apologised. That's all he really needed to do from the beginning.

And I hope he understands how hurtful he has been and does not repeat this twatty behaviour!

[CatsWearingTutus]

Very well done, OP. hopefully his friendship with horrible bitchy A will fade away and in the meantime why should you accept her discussing and likely backstabbing and insulting your DS the way she did to you? Quite right she has no business discussing either of you! I wouldn't stand for it either.

[CinnamonAddict]

Well done OP.

I would have been very hurt by such an exchange behind my back and wonder what else is said by A when I'm not there.

That is my feeling, there is more. It's not (just) about the weight. If A was concerned about your health, she would have told You, bunny. Or said something sensitively worded to your dh. Texting in length about this in this type of tone is bitchy.
Also the way A went completely mad after being told she cannot come round. A friend would have apologized by text, accepted the message of "leave us alone tonight" and come over with flowers in the morning. Not sending a shitload of texts begging to come round.