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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/09/2013 19:21

I don't think you're overdoing it at all, babybunny. Well-handled.

CookieLady · 09/09/2013 19:23

Good on you, Op. I think you handled that well.

cocolepew · 09/09/2013 19:24

Glad he saw the error of his ways Grin. Well handled, glad you are feeling more in control.

Original poster
Babybunny88 · 09/09/2013 19:24

Thanks everyone. northern it's his own fault for being a wanker. Hers too.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldDear · 09/09/2013 19:24

Good on you. Well handled.

Capitola · 09/09/2013 19:25

Good for you, OP.

I think you have handled it really well.

Floggingmolly · 09/09/2013 19:26

You are most definitely not overdoing it, bunny.

Rooners · 09/09/2013 19:26

Oh hooray!!! Flowers

You are superb, Bunny. He's at least acting like he's sorry and doing the right thing. I hope he sustains it, it sounds like he caved in under huge pressure but I would just say, keep an eye on him.

He might find that the pressure from A to stay in touch becomes unbearable and he gives in to that for a 'quiet life', but once she has him an inch she will try once more to take a mile.

I don't think this is over but then, nothing really ever is - and for the time being you are a united front and I am really relieved for you.

Nice work Smile

(by the way - I noticed some people assumed those of us saying 'you might want to think about leaving him' were hoping for OP to join us in the ranks of the single. That's not true. I always want people to stay together if they can. But it does depend on how much respect they are getting..!)

MissStrawberry · 09/09/2013 19:26

Perfect, OP. You have made it quite clear that you won't allow him or anyone to treat you badly.

northernlurker - you normally talk a lot of sense so I am bit Confusedand Hmm about your post. Why shouldn't the OP say who she wants in her house? She hasn't banned her partner from seeing "A".

Blueandwhitelover · 09/09/2013 19:28

Well done OP. You have handled this with dignity

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 09/09/2013 19:29

Northern I normally always agree with you but can't here. I think this is the OP setting boundaries which given the breach of trust she is entitled to do. Plus I think for the sake of her marriage she has to, to avoid feeling that there are three of them in it (where have I heard that before? Smile)

OP, glad he is seeing this from your perspective now.

Pickturethis · 09/09/2013 19:30

So it's ok to call him a wanker on a forum?

And if you have an alternative view you're a twat?

This thread is boggling.
How do you get through life being this sensitive.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 09/09/2013 19:30

It's a good position statement innit? For both of them.

And if, in a few weeks or months, you do think it's OK to see her again (although presumably not for a curry...) you've given her a very useful shot across the bows to remind her that she needs to treat you with respect.

And him too.

DontmindifIdo · 09/09/2013 19:32

Northern - I don't think she's over doing it - this woman didn't just agree with the OP's DH when he was slagging off his wife, but she contacted him and slagged off his wife and encouraged him to do the same. That's not a nice person, why should the OP have this person in her house?

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/09/2013 19:32

Bravo Bunny, you rock Grin

phantomnamechanger · 09/09/2013 19:33

Why should the OP want this woman in her house???

The options are - while OP is present ( and OP has no desire at all to see or speak to her) or while she is not there - ie in OPs teritory,behind OPs back & in cahoots with her hubby again - with the chance of bitching about anything that catches her eye

No way!

FriskyHenderson · 09/09/2013 19:33

That's a step in the right direction OP. Did your DP see the messages you were sent by A? Did you see what he sent her?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 09/09/2013 19:38

Have just read this thread, and it reminds me of a comment that Jo Brand made to someone on a TV show who called her fat:
"Well I can always check out of fat club, but you will always be a member of twat club!"
Bravo to you OP!

KoalaFace · 09/09/2013 19:39

It sounds like you and DP had a good talk and you do seem much happier and more confident today which is brilliant Smile

I think telling him what your boundaries are concerning 'A' is fair enough. He crossed a boundary and you are telling him what you are comfortable with. Good on you.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 19:40

I am pleased for the positive response from your dp, but it is unrealistic for him to be friends with A and not talk about his family sometimes. It sounds a bit controlling, either accept tat he might drop you all in conversation from time to time or he should not be friends with A

BOF · 09/09/2013 19:48

You have handled this really well, babybunny. Good for you.

northernlurker · 09/09/2013 19:51

The house belongs to the partner too and now apparently he can't invite a longstanding friend in to it. Nor discuss his child with her. Nor discuss his relationship with her. Now, I have friends and I do all of those things with them and if my husband told me I couldn't, I think we all would know what to think. It seems to me that a lot of people on this thread, including perhaps the OP, are basing a lot of their reaction on the fact that this is a female friend. There aren't three people in the relationship. The partner has a female friend. That's all.
The whole text situation was not acceptable - that's been made clear - but this reaction is like the OP found him shagging in the shrubbery. I think this thread has enabled that over-reaction and I think that OP, you are now at risk of doing damage to your relationship that will be hard to repair.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/09/2013 19:52

It sounds like you have sorted things - well done for standing your ground.

Don't suppose you fancy sharing some of the texts from A with us so we can laugh at the silly girl.

Generally I think that once you have kids - especially if you are a working mum - then there isn't time to see all the friends you want to anyway. Why would anyone waste time with someone who isn't lovely when there are so many lovely people out there?

Just a suggestion but why not buy the 30 day shred, wait for the next England match and put it on? After all - dh wants you to get fit right?

MrMeaner · 09/09/2013 19:54

Massive overreaction.

aquashiv · 09/09/2013 19:55

Well done Op. Am so glad you sound so strong today.
Lets hope its been wakeup call for the friend and she realises that passing off snide comments as 'humour' is never funny.