So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

[Babybunny88]

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

[MarthasHarbour]

A is your classic Queen Bee, she doesn't have romantic designs on your partner but she likes to be in the alpha position in her social circle even if that means imposing on a couple's relationship in an inappropriate way.

Absolutely squoosh i couldnt have put it better myself.

And i believe this is the 1000th post. Perhaps we can all put this to bed now, particularly for OP's sake. All the best babybunny

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Well done, Baby.

I'm glad he finally saw sense.

It sounds like A losing the plot over not being allowed to impose herself on you in your home in the middle of the night was a big part of his change of heart.

[squoosh]

A is your classic Queen Bee, she doesn't have romantic designs on your partner but she likes to be in the alpha position in her social circle even if that means imposing on a couple's relationship in an inappropriate way.

[expatinscotland]

The under-handed way the entire topic came up, and the 'you're just being over-sensitive' excuse rather than apology just isn't on.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

Maybe comingalongnicely is ex-friend A

[expatinscotland]

'Putting myself in his shoes again - had I had my text messages read, been forced to sleep apart and then told my conversations with a friend now had 'boundaries' set I wouldn't exactly be delighted. Honestly would anybody?'

I wouldn't have had a 'conversation' like that in the first place. The second anyone started in on my husband's weight, etc. would have been, 'Whoa! Wot? Let's get back in bounds here.' Because when I have an issue with something like that, I go to him, not my friends.

Friends don't come out with shit like that!

[MarthasHarbour]

comingalongnicely this isn't a romcom. You are also inventing scenario's and getting a little carried away...

[MarthasHarbour]

From my interpretation the OP said that DP told A to back off from both of them for a while. So it appears that DP is more than happy with the arrangement. And that was before OP set her boundaries.

[SomethingOnce]

Go along probably being the key to it.

[waltermittymissus]

Well by the tone of the posts it seems he's happy enough to go along with it, no?

[AaDB]

I'm glad you feel better.

I doubt this is the last you have heard from your ex friend.

[Loa]

I'm glad your happy now Babybunny88.

I also think it was sensible to say up front that you don't want this person in the house - rather than come home and everyone be surprised it upset you to find her there and then you have to silently seeth or have another row.

I also think a warning to DP to watch what he says is a good idea - and hopefully being clear upfront will avoid similar problems caused by A in the future.

[Tabliope]

Norther, he wasn't forced to sleep apart. He chose to. Also, who cares what A has been called, including you? According to you it didn't matter what was said in the text between A and babybunny's DP as babybunny should never have seen it. Likewise, A will never know what a bunch of strangers has said about her. And if she does maybe it's a lesson for her.

[givemestrengthorlove]

Agree would be better if dh no longer friends with A

[givemestrengthorlove]

Northern and Excuse.., OP is just saying to her dh, you are an adult, be friends with this woman if you wish but make it abundantly clear me and dd are not part of it and she is no longer party to our private information as she is disloyal
I fail to imagine what part of that you have a problem with.

[Kinnane]

Who knows, maybe you will be friends (with A) again one day.

[Kinnane]

So pleased for you OP!

You have done the right thing and your friend and DP will learn a valuable lesson in this.

[comingalongnicely]

T'will be interesting to see how it all pans out in the future, now that the OP's DP has to be secretive & un-open about meeting his friend.

It's encouraging secretive behaviour. At least if it was in your house you'd be able to keep an eye on it.

Maybe an outright ban on seeing her would have been better? Easier to catch him out again - especially now that he'll start to password his phone!!

Is OP going to worry about what they're talking about when she's not there? Will DP & A's relationship suffer or blossom?

grabs popcorn

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Northern, he wasn't forced to sleep apart - he took himself to the spare room without the OP saying anything about it. I appreciate you are keen to put the alternative perspective here but you're also looking for what you want to see.

[GrandstandingBlueTit]

Well, no, one wouldn't be delighted if one's partner suddenly decided to lay down the law and issue boundaries apropos of nothing.

But that hasn't happened here. A and the DP have acted in such a way as to prompt the OH to try to wrest back some control.

The OP is not obliged to 'play nice' here, and I say this as someone who will probably play nice to my grave. I am a 'good girl' to the hilt, and the idea of setting down the sorts of boundaries and ground rules that the OP has done, would only happen in my dreams.

I'd be way, way more likely to brush it all under the carpet, pretend it didn't happen, and then develop an ulcer or two from all the seething with resentment that'd inevitably ensue as a result.

Fair play to the OP, I say. If this is how she wants to deal with the situation, then it's how she should deal with it. People basically telling her to roll over and be nicer about it all are off the mark, as far as I an see.

[Bogeyface]

I am amazed that you are trying to defend this Northern

[northernlurker]

Babybunny is happy yes - but we don't know what her DP is thinking. Putting myself in his shoes again - had I had my text messages read, been forced to sleep apart and then told my conversations with a friend now had 'boundaries' set I wouldn't exactly be delighted. Honestly would anybody?
The way he has been described by numerous posters on this thread is horrible and the terms used for A are even worse.

[waltermittymissus]

Nobody here needs to be comfortable with the decision though, babybunny and her dp are happy enough with it.

[mynameismskane]

Op, I think you need to ask your dh if these type of conversations have gone on before. You need to know. Your 'friend's' behaviour was disgusting, but before you never ever see or speak to her again, you need to know more?

[CinnamonAddict]

Well done OP.

I would have been very hurt by such an exchange behind my back and wonder what else is said by A when I'm not there.

That is my feeling, there is more. It's not (just) about the weight. If A was concerned about your health, she would have told You, bunny. Or said something sensitively worded to your dh. Texting in length about this in this type of tone is bitchy.
Also the way A went completely mad after being told she cannot come round. A friend would have apologized by text, accepted the message of "leave us alone tonight" and come over with flowers in the morning. Not sending a shitload of texts begging to come round.