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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
ToffeeCaramel · 09/09/2013 19:55

That's great OP. I think you have handled this well.

thebody · 09/09/2013 19:58

just to say my moms called Wendy and she's definatly not bitchy!! don't like they term.

well done op. stay strong x

CoconutRing · 09/09/2013 19:58

Well done OP.

MrsDeVere · 09/09/2013 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KoalaFace · 09/09/2013 19:59

northern I have loads of respect for you but I don't agree at all.

OP's DP has showed his boundaries are all skewed when it comes to his partner and his friend. OP has now told him the boundaries she feels comfortable with at the moment. He can make decisions about his friendship but not involve OP's relationship or family in the friendship.

Cuddlydragon · 09/09/2013 20:01

I'm so pleased. You handled it very well. As you did with some of the posters here too!

ithaka · 09/09/2013 20:01

Well, your partner has been friends with A for a long time, I am not sure you are doing your relationshipany favours by the hard line you re taking.

I think a sincere apology was appropriate for the situation. The victory parade because you can apparently dictate to your DP about his friendships seems disproportionate, to me.

Certainly, I wouldn't be happy if my husband tried to exert such authority over me. Take care, OP, a successful outcome has to work for both parties to a marriage.

Tabliope · 09/09/2013 20:04

If A had been a man I'd feel the same. Talking about babybunny behind her back to her DP, slagging her off under the guise of it's a laugh, saying disrespectful things, trying to then laugh it off and say babybunny is being too sensitive. Male or female it doesn't matter. There's no way on earth I'd have that friend back in the house. This is the consequences of their actions. If he's got any sense he'll keep his mouth shut from now on. A will nag him for info and I think he'll start getting pissed off with that. Babybunny doesn't need to do anything else. She certainly doesn't need to accommodate A in her house as a guest!

ThreeMyselfAndI · 09/09/2013 20:05

Aww op that's so shit......my face was like this Shock as I read then Angry

She's not a friend she's a bitch!!! No friend would do that. Your dh came off no better I'm sorry but he should have shot that 1st comment and put her swiftly in her place.

My reply to her txt would have been ' away and chase yourself to fuck!!! '

You dp is digging a bigger hole over defending her I would cut her out of both your lifes, I think it sounds as though she's rather in to your dp.

You deserve better than that from people in your life, chin up op x

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 20:06

I agree northern, I talk to my friends about my family it's hard not to do. I think it's very unrealistic for op partner to not to talk about op to A at least on a superficial level. It would be realistic for op artner not to divulge any personal details to A about op and teir relationship, that would be inappropriate considering the circumstances.

StrawberryMojito · 09/09/2013 20:08

Totally agree with Northern. OP, please don't let MN wind you up into a state of extreme indignation. A was an utter cow. She knows it. Your DP has rightly stood by you. Let it go now.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 20:10

How would op make sure her wishes are being adhered to, hire a private detective, secret camera?

candycoatedwaterdrops · 09/09/2013 20:10

I think A is a sneaky cow and deserves to stew in her own juices. Maybe the OP will be able to forgive her but for now, a cool down on the friendship is the best option. If A had grovelingly apologised, it would be different. Until she apologises, why should the OP be expected to move on from this?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/09/2013 20:10

Nicely handled OP. I'd have done the same.

eatriskier · 09/09/2013 20:12

I had to tell my xH (and before anyone says it, that isn't the reason he is the x) not to discuss me at all with a certain male friend, as that person was taking the info, twisting it and then spreading rumours. It was a hard time and not a nice threat. In no way was I going to leave xH just because he said 'yes she is fine' to friend, but it took that for xH to realise just how serious I was about this. And then took about 6 weeks for xH to see I was right and not feeding this friend info meant the rumours stopped.

TiredDog · 09/09/2013 20:13

I must admit I've been a little surprised at the reaction to this text. Hurtful, disloyal...but probably thoughtless rather than intentional on DH's behalf. A is bitchy and out of order and can be dumped.

I think you need to make DH see how this is so hurtful. Don't think anger will help you

ApocalypseThen · 09/09/2013 20:13

I think though that the husband and bitchface have demonstrated that their little chats aren't disinterested mutual supportfests like you expect between friends, so they really have forfeited OP's tolerance for any discussion about her. A is a snake in the grass and her husband is a spineless and disloyal twerp when he's talking with her.

RubyGoat · 09/09/2013 20:15

I hope, if your DH has any common sense, that he will start to see the (inevitable) barrage of texts & calls etc from A for what they are - irritating attempt to control him, you & your relationship. Hopefully he will see sense & deal with her sooner or later, & you will be vindicated as he will see that you are right - she is a gossip, she likes stirring, & she's not a good friend.

ApocalypseThen · 09/09/2013 20:18

but probably thoughtless rather than intentional on DH's behalf

I think the first problem was the text, but fair enough, we've all said stuff that wasn't great. The real problem is how he handled it afterwards, blaming the OP for being sensitive and more concerned that A was upset than his own wife, and trying to get the OP to soothe A's poor fee-fees. That's the real transgression, I think.

Lizzabadger · 09/09/2013 20:20

Good on you BabyBunny. Perfectly handled.

waltermittymissus · 09/09/2013 20:20

I think the apology is great and you've handled yourself well.

That's how OP feels right now. She's still angry and hurt, which she's entitled to be.

That's not to say that with time, she won't ease off a bit. For now though, she's perfectly within her rights not to have this cunt woman around her.

acer12 · 09/09/2013 20:21

Talking to friends about family if fine, somebody critising a friend to their partner and 'lol'ing about it isn't . It was mean.

Regardless if it was a man or woman they wouldn't be welcome in my home , end of. My Dh would never let 'any' of his friends ' lol ' at my expense . She poked fun at her, over a sensitive issue, when just having a baby.

I really can't understand those very few that are saying op

Has no right to ban some sho has been down right mean and nasty to her from her home .....? Jeez hate to see how your friends treat you if that's your norm.

Well done op, you wasn't over reacting, it wasnt kind and you dealt with it great.

revealall · 09/09/2013 20:30

I agree with Northern.
"A" has a husband, her DP has grown up with her and Bunny and A have known each other years.
It runs the risk of going horribly wrong .

Aren't text messages always a bit iffy? Since we don't know A maybe she is just rude/direct generally- to everyone not just the DP?
A did suggest talking first and bunny's DP wrote are you joking? She will go apeshit. So I think a bit of honest talking without either party going "apeshit" would be better than throwing all the toys out the pram.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 09/09/2013 20:32

The reason why it is relevant that this friend is a woman is because women know not to bitch about weight. They know how below the belt that is. If my husband had that friendship I would be telling him to choose and this comes from a woman whose husband has a number of female friends so it is not something I am at all uncomfortable with. She crossed a line and in my books a friendship rubicon by trying to undermine the OP to her husband. Her husband did not cover himself in glory either but I doubt he was as eager in the original exchange. OP I think you handled the situation perfectly.

wannaBe · 09/09/2013 20:37

agree with northern.

expecting apology is one thing, banning her from the house and forbidding the dp to discuss certain things with her is quite another. And op's response to those who didn't immediately leap to her defense was also rather bitchy and uncalled for. There are a lot of enablers on this thread.

It was a one off conversation for all we know, which spread across about six text messages, that is all, and this is the reaction, I'd be discussing a lot more than my partner's weight with my friends if they reacted like that - I'd be discussing the best way out of a controlling relationship.