So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

[Babybunny88]

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

Not that it matters but she hasn't 'just' had a baby. The baby is 18 months old and by the Op's account very upset by the hoohah too.

I just think there has been a massive loss of perspective here. The OP came across a brief text message. It was inappropriate and rude and ill-thought out. As far as we know this was the only conversation these two have had like this - and in fact it certainly doesn't sound like they'd discussed this issue or similar before. It's not like A said ' do you want me to talk to babybunny about it like I did when '
The OP has quite rightly told both of them she was pissed off. A unwisely (tact not her strong suit clearly) tried to pass it off as light-hearted whilst also apologising for the hurt felt. DP has done similar - big mistake.
Then what happened - he slept in the spare room, the OP doubted she could face work and A has tried repeatedly to get in touch with both of them. One assumes because she cares her friends are furious with her.

Meanwhile this thread goes on praising the OP for bring 'strong' and dealing so well with the wanker/bitch/cuntface etc. This is insane.

It shows very well though how much bodyshape is an issue in our society. There's nearly a thousand posts on this thread - over somebody pointing out that somebody else was a different shape from the one they used to be. There are numerous threads on this site which take months to get that full. Seems that you may have violence in your relatiosnhip or serious illness or infidelity or gambling and it's not a hotv topic but let anybody observe you've put on weight and that's it, everybody goes postastic.

Firstly OP massive (((((hugs)))))), I expect you are exhausted this evening? Have a nice warm bath and an early night, try and relax and think nice thoughts!

You have done so well, you got yourself to work and kept control.

As for others (can't remember who) saying he has been friends with A for longer than he has known you, I think the forsake all others in the wedding vows covers that one off! His loyalty lies with you his wife and you only.

I think A was the instigator, not e causing him, he was stupid and weak, but I don't think he had bad intentions at heart.

Not sure why your weight is a 'concern' for A, but I don't like the whole feel of it. It's like "I know you two are really close" but I can get in there a turn a screw to make you think that you are not as happy as you think! It's like she is saying that you have put on weight because you are lazy or not bothered etc etc. you have put on weight, because you are in a new era of your life, a mother who shares her love between her child and her husband. Good for you! You are no longer just a wife, you are now blessed enough to also be a mother.....wonderful!

As for, oh it's ok for you to call him a wanker...... Yeah behave like a wanker and you'll be called one.

I doubt you will ever welcome A into your home, but oh how you can laugh at her and say yeah remember what you said, but at the end of the day, I have a child shared with OH and my body reflects that........you wouldn't want it any other way.

Good luck and let OH take you out next weekend, dress up and enjoy being together and loving each other.

xxx

They're not married. "A " is the one with a husband.

.

I agree that this has all got out of hand. I do understand why you dont want to see A but to tell your H that he can't discuss his relationship or child with a friend is totally OTT.
I think your H would have reassessed his friendship with this woman anyway, but now he's being told who he's allowed to talk to about his own child.

It doesn't surprise me that the posters telling OP to calm down are the usual fat fearers. Take your issues elsewhere because size 14 post partum is not fat. You are deluded and I fear for your daughters if you have them.

I have handled a lot of abuse and manipulation at the hands of dysfunctional family and the OP friend sent alarm bells ringing. Particularly when she told you you were over sensitive. That is the classic tool of a bully.

OP ignore those telling you that you have over reacted. You trusted this friend and you sound like a nice person. You have now implemented boundaries because she broke your trust.

I don't think healthy boundaries include a dh or dw sending texts to a friend which may hurt their partners feelings. It just isn't acceptable.

northern, it was nothing to do with babybunny putting on weight why everyone reacted like they did. I can't believe people are still going on about the weight thing

Middlecalssdystopia - your posting sounds deranged. Care to be a little clearer? As far as I can see nobody has said the OP is fat. Not even Evil A - she referred to the OP gaining weight not 'being fat'.

NorthernLurker they weren't just pointing out she was a different shape though were they?

It was jibes about pies and salads, it was cruel. Don't try to 'twist' it.

Well done, bunny! One bunny who didn't let herself get boiled!

I agree that this thread has surprised me with the outpouring of support for someone who has, after all, just had a bit of a spat with her partner and her friend over a mean spirited comment. I can completely understand being hurt by the text messages and by the 'apology' from A which was basically just another insult about being sensitive. However, I don't think it was ever a situation that warranted potentially calling in sick to work, accusing A of trying to steal the OP's husband or imposing an outright ban on certain topics of conversation between her partner and his friend. I'm also surprised that this side of A has never been apparent before - surely someone this insensitive doesn't just reveal their true colours after years of happy go lucky friendship?
That's not to say I don't sympathise, OP, as I really do - it was shitty of her to say it and shitty of him to join in, but I don't think it's necessarily helping to have all the over analysis of everyone's motives and second guessing of each detail when what you should probably do is let it all blow over and see how you feel in a month's time.

I am not deranged but you are rude clearly

Expertly done OP!

and like a few other posters have said, what babybunny has said to her DP isn't set in stone. Once he regains her confidence maybe she'll trust him more in his dealings with A. As a post up there said it's not surprising she's being more hard line about it now. Of course she's going to realise she can't police what her DP says about their DD. All she's asking for is DP respects their privacy when talking with A who doesn't know the boundaries. Maybe in time she can even talk to A, who knows. A lot will depend on how her DP handles this going forward. Personally I would in time probably be able to make small talk with A at a BBQ for example but she wouldn't be welcome at my home for dinner and I wouldn't want to go round hers. After what she did there's no way I could fake that. Hopefully her DP and A have other friends as this one might go on the back burner. That's not babybunny's fault at all.

But the OP was upset, really upset. She said she was devastated and furious in her OP before any replies.

So telling her she is over reacting, should calm down etc is purely invalidating her feelings.

northern has someone jumped on your computer tonight? Your comment to middleclass was rather rude and [i think] our of character for your usual measured posting.

middleclass was citing personal experience of toxic relationships and commenting on how A's 'sensitive' comment rang true, i can also relate to that from personal experience - doesnt make me deranged

Middleclass - the only poster twisting things would be you with your biazarre talk of 'issues'. I think we need to remember that these messages were not intended to be seen by the OP. Nothing in them was intended to wound or attack her directly. I dispute therefore that you can call it cruel as that implies an intention to hurt. What is the case is that the remarks were unpleasant and unintentionally hurtful when she did read them. She's totally right to say as much. Where the problem in my eyes is that this has been taken as a breach of trust, a deliberate attempt to destroy the relationship, an indication that her partner is weak, cruel, disloyal and the OP is going along with this. This thread is not good news for their relationship and the blame for that is not only with A and the partner. As far as invalidating her feelings goes - well seeing as she has had a grovelling apology from her partner and now appears to be on some sort of controlling revenge kick I think those feelings could do with some lack of validation.

Guys, don't go falling out and attacking each other over this pathetic thing that happened.

Most of you have made me feel tonnes better :) and I'm really glad to have had so much support while dealing with the whole thing. Ok it's fine if some of you disagree, but really some comments way further back were uncalled for and that's what I was referring to, not the sensible ones

It's been sorted now though (I bloody well hope) and I'm going to try and get past it.

Nice one Babybun

Arf at..' apart from the few twats with the very "helpful" posts. You know who you are and you can kiss my supposedly fat ass. How's that for sensitive?

"Deranged"??

Is that along the same lines as the technique used by people saying women get 'hysterical'?

Totally below the belt.

It's not just the texting though is it? It was the fact that her DP defended A and was asking OP to talk to A because A was upset despite OP sat there crying. His reaction was to comfort his friend and not his partner. I wouldn't particularly want a woman who my partner put before me round at my house either.

It shows very well though how much bodyshape is an issue in our society.

Northern that is precisely the point though A knows how sensitive women are about weight in our society what with being female yet she still slagged off a woman to her partner. She is not a friend to the OP she is an undermine bitch and I would be asking myself why a woman would want to undermine another woman to her partner. and for the person who pointed out it was not a husband when you have a child together that is just semantics OP does not have the lesser relationship between herself and A.

It's not just the texting though is it? It was the fact that her DP defended A and was asking OP to talk to A because A was upset despite OP sat there crying. His reaction was to comfort his friend and not his partner. I wouldn't particularly want a woman who my partner put before me round at my house either.

^^this

Clearly this is mortifying for OP. But... is there so much difference between babybunny's friend and DP discussing her behind her back and her discussing THEM behind THEIR backs with thousands of strangers, some of whom are calling him wanker etc? Just asking.

Hi op

I think confronting them about it was the right thing and I think you personally having nothing more to so with A is fine but I think you banning your dp from ever mentioning you or your dd is an overreaction and basically impossible so it is an ultimatum that will fail (whether you discover this or not).

I think it would be better to tell your dp to set some boundaries with her so he doesn't ever mention things about you that are of a sensitive/personal nature. I think this is much more achievable and reasonable.

Also I don't think you should ban her from seeing your daughter, your dd is your dp's as much as yours. And your dd isn't at 'risk' around her, the issue is that you don't like A. If you and your dp did separate you would have no say in who your dd sees.

Goodluck

Good for you bunny!