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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to rescue my friend's baby...

187 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 07/09/2013 22:33

Firstly, when I say 'rescue' I mean it tongue in cheek as he is not in any danger at all Smile

Do you find it hard to watch other children parent their child in a way you either wouldn't do yourself or cannot understand?

A friend of mine recently had a baby and I first went to visit when he was about a week old. She fed him then put him on one of those play mats on the opposite side of the room and left him there whilst coming back to chat to me. He was really restless, fractious, waving his arms and legs around etc. I made a comment about him being active and she told me that being on the floor is the best place for them....needless to say I went and picked him up after a few minutes, after having asked if I could have a cuddle and he settled straight away.

I then visited a week later and she started telling me about his 'routine' which involves him not being allowed to be fed until after his morning bath and until they have sorted out their other son who is 6. She told me she doesn't want the baby of getting in the habit of thinking he can have food as soon as he wakes up....I wanted to scream, "He's 2 weeks old for God's Sake!"

And now I learn he has been moved into his own room and he is only just over 6 weeks of age.

AIBU to feel a bit Hmm

I know parents can bring up their children however they like but he is still such a little baby. I'd want him near me all the time....

OP posts:
dollywobbles · 08/09/2013 16:17

I don't think you're unreasonable, OP.
And, even before I had a baby and apparently was given the right to judge those without children -not to mention patronise the living shit out of them-, I'd have thought the situation you describe was a little bit sad.
A week old baby doesn't know it's not part of its Mum yet, I can't imagine it really needs any time to kick back on a playmat.
Before I had a baby I thought I'd cuddle my baby as much as I could, and I did. And it was nice and I don't regret it.
I wouldn't judge your friend, it's her choice, but I would think how sad that she's not taking every opportunity to cuddle her baby. They're only tiny for such a short time.
You sound lovely OP.

TheBigJessie · 08/09/2013 16:26

Oh god, loads of "wait until you have children" comments.

Okay, guys, this is gonna absolutely blow your minds, 'kay, but some of your fellow parents don't do controlled feeding from birth!

Sorry and all that, but you do realise that Mumsnet Towers don't screen us out when we try to sign up?

TheBigJessie · 08/09/2013 16:27

*feed to a routine from birth

Not "controlled feeding". I seem to have forgotten some of the lingo since my childen stopped being babies.

Devilforasideboard · 08/09/2013 16:29

You may get a baby who actually likes a routine, mine does. Midwives made me feed him every three hours when he was born (a bit early) and he stuck to it like clockwork. It has changed but you could still pretty much set your watch by him.

My best buy so far (after various second hand purchases of swings and vibrating rockers etc) has been the cheapest bouncy chair Mothercare make. He bloody loves it and will quite happily sit in it for half an hour watching tv amusing himself in an educational manner.

halfwayupthehill · 08/09/2013 17:01

Also, my parenting style was radically different with dc2. I was all pfb the first time but found two a thousand times harder. Did not pick dc2 up as much and left him to cry a lot more. So even after you havre your first child, pls don't judge. After i had dc1 i had two different friends who seemed (imho) to leave their dc2 in their highchairs for ages and just ignore them. Once i had dc2 i understood why.

FrussoHathor · 08/09/2013 18:42

I suppose you'll end up being one of those idiots who holds the baby when she's having a shit and then wonders how she'll wipe her arse. Hmm

That'll be me. Blush oddly it only happened with dc3.

SilverStreak7 · 08/09/2013 19:50

I think you should mind your business .. Your friend can obviously bring children up as she has already done with her 6 year old .. Your way is not everyones way . .. Glad you're not MY friend .

permaquandry · 08/09/2013 20:17

Erm, really surprised that a 1 week old baby is put on the floor, even on a playmat. Just doesn't sound right to me, I know they're not made of china but they're still very tiny.

Babies grow so quickly and it's not going to make a baby clingy if it's cuddled a lot when very small, is it?

As for first feed after morning bath, how that baby doesn't scream the house down, I don't know. Babies don't think 'it's ok. I'll wait till everyone else is ready before I have milk'! They are primal and only able to communicate via crying. They have tiny stomachs, so after a sleep will be v hungry.

Good luck with your baby OP, I have strong feeling that your opinion about this won't change after he/she is born. I have kids btw and would feel the same as you.

Having said all that, I think you've realised the first rule of parenting, don't judge other parents........Grin

Enjoy your newborn cuddles, they're the best!

getagoldtoof · 08/09/2013 20:20

You've had a tough ride here. I agree with some of your points, and think that you can and should be able to think about how someone parents even if you don't have children. To suggest not is ridiculous. Besides, you're at a point where you are evaluating parenting styles and thinking about what you will be like as a mother.

I am a children's social worker and when assessing parenting, some of the things you've mentioned I may view as 'insensitive parenting'. It's all about that child developing an attachment style. So of course as part of a bigger picture, these things may not be worrying alone, but if we're aiming for our children to have a secure attachment (if we believe this theory is applicable), we should be aiming to be in tune to their needs. That doesn't mean always putting them first, but yes it is natural to have our mind on our children.

I think it is very natural for you to want to step in if you see a baby who is expressing their needs and is not being responded to. I still do wish to step in when I see good enough, but could be better, parenting - yes even though I'm a mother and know how hard it is! I think I have learnt, though, through my job mainly, that people do parent differently and if it's good enough, which it sounds like it is, there is no need to step in.

Good luck with your baby.

SilverStreak7 · 08/09/2013 21:21

Oh a social worker.

Snatched any children lately ?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 21:32

Snatched??

You think removing children from dangerous environments is snatching?

OP posts:
SlobAtHome · 08/09/2013 21:38

OH man, soon your child will be older and you will have gotten over the initial PFB stage and be really embarrassed thinking back to this. :o

thebody · 08/09/2013 21:41

here have a grip!! wait till you get to dc4 op. don't be such a smug judge pants! 😄

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 21:42

Just out of interest, and in a non-judgy manner, just genuinely intrigued, do you think some parents do treat their first babies differently to any following ones because they are seen as PFB?

And I know they wouldn't purposefully treat any further children differently, but just interested as to whether unconsciously it does go on?

Or is it just that the parents are more relaxed the 2nd and 3rd time over and so their parenting changes for this reason?

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 08/09/2013 21:42

SilverStreak Reeeeely? Have a think about that one.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 21:44

the body - please don't make jokes about DC4, lol, my mind cant cope with such thoughts Grin Me and hubby are quite happy to just have the one Smile

All women with more than one are saints in my eyes, lol Smile

OP posts:
SilverStreak7 · 08/09/2013 22:03

I didn't mention the children rescued from dangerous environments . .. Though some of your kind didn't rescue Peter Connolly, or Daniel Pelka did they ? Im talking of the children taking for things such as "Risk of Future Emotional Harm" or children taken simply because their Mother had been in Care , which is hardly her fault !

Shellywelly1973 · 08/09/2013 22:07

I've been a parent for 24 years...expecting my 6th dc.

My 'parenting style' has changed dramatically.
In 1989 routine, formula feeding & 3/4 hourly feeds were the norm. Weaning at 3 months. Leaving baby to cry...

The dc that changed my whole perspective on parenting was my 4th dc. He was a nightmare baby, screamed for months. Reflux from hell! Turns out he is autistic. He taught me more about children & parenting then all the other dc put together. More then all the books i had read. More then any course I've been on.

Ds is now 8. He goes back to school tomorrow. I've spent almost every day of the last 9 weeks with him. I adore him. He drives me nuts at times as he also has ADHD & its bloody exhausting but i wouldn't change him, even if i could. Im a better person & parent due to my ds!

Most of the stuff read on MN makes me smile- its just fashions. As my dc are spread over 3 decades i just deal with my dcs as individuals.

nowwhat · 08/09/2013 22:13

Writer people keep making jokes to me about having another one, but they tend to stop it when I go pale and start sweating.

I saw a woman with 3 in a pushchair the other day, twins under 1 and the other not much more than 2, I felt like saluting her as she went past.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 08/09/2013 22:17

I'm certainly more relaxed with DS(5 months) than I was with DD (2) but find it hard to not have the opportunity to hold him as much as I would like, due to DD.

Having said that, a swing chair or similar is an absolute saviour when you need to put them down.

SillyOldHector · 08/09/2013 22:18

OP you're definitely NOT being unreasonable. Stand by what you've said and don't apologise for it.

thebody · 08/09/2013 22:23

Writer bless you sound like you are doing great anyway.😄

not so sure parenting style changes exactly with more children as your core values remain the same it's simply the time factor. you HAVE to be punctual for school and toy HAVE to keep up commitments for older children so you juggle. that means new baby has to sometimes wait a bit and be out down on a mat to kick while you deal with other children.

nowhat, are you sure she wasn't a cm? I used to have 4 under 5 and once went out with my younger 2 and the four.

dds were horrified as said looked like a Jeremy Kyle family!

bababababoom · 08/09/2013 22:44

YANBU. I have three children. I'm horrified at the idea of scheduling a two week old baby's feeds too. Read the research on Attachment Parenting - it shows that rather than making children clingy and dependent, the opposite is true. And yes, I have held the baby whilst on the toilet! They knew I was there when they were tiny babies, and are secure because they know their needs will be met - they are independent, confident children now. I've got no problem leaving a baby on a play mat as long as they aren't distressed, but I've never met a 2 week old that would enjoy it, they usually want to be close and cuddled.

getagoldtoof · 08/09/2013 23:09

Yes silver. My lot take the children of those who have been in care just as a precaution, you know, because there are just thousands of lovely homes for those children to go to.... Confused

SilverStreak7 · 08/09/2013 23:17

You don;t put them in Homes though do you . . Most are adopted out via Secret Closed Courts . Babies snatched at Birth despite the Mothers never being a threat . . You know this though but will read from your "SS answers for the public" Rules,

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