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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting really fed up with this? Thoughts, please.

336 replies

friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 16:41

We live in a terraced house. When I sit in the garden, I can see next door's garden clearly.

My next door neighbour is also a friend and has two little girls. The youngest is 5 years old.

We have a dog (chocolate Labrador) who is completely harmless. He does the occasional "woof!" in joy when the door first opens and he has freedom Grin that is it - one bark, he isn't a "noisy" dog in the slightest.

However the youngest of the girls hates him - OK, can live with that. But I can't live with:

  • Screaming hysterically when he is in our garden and she is in hers; crying, yelling, howling.
  • Screaming hysterically if he's going for his evening walk and they are going in/out of the house at the same time.
  • Screaming hysterically when she was around here one evening with her parents and sister. Dog was banished to the kitchen but on one occasion someone left the door ajar when they used the downstairs loo and he stuck his head round. Scream, scream, scream.

I broached it with my neighbour, nicely, and tried to explain that it is pretty unpleasant (I didn't use those words) - she just got defensive and said her DD wouldn't change, she has "always been scared of dogs" and for her, children come before animals.

Am I really being SO unreasonable though? Surely he's got a right to go for his walk in the evenings (he is on a lead by the way) or have a roll in the garden without being screamed at?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 07/09/2013 17:53

Is it screaming as in hysterical crying - because if so - well you can't do much about that. But if its just shouting - well, they're clearly not going to do anything and I bet they don't enjoy it either.

So either you change your walk times or you move house or you just ignore the screams.

EvieanneVolvic · 07/09/2013 17:54

I feel trapped in my house!

THIS!!!!!!!!!!

You feel trapped in your house. Not nice. Rotten, if you will. But the fact is you AREN'T trapped in your house. It is in your gift to ignore the screams (not actually but for most/all practical purposes). This is more than can be said for the people next door.

And I am bloody gutted to hear you've already tried the letter from the dog thing!

iwanttobelola · 07/09/2013 17:55

Sounds like the parents are doing nothing to deal with this .. surely they would be attempting to do the 'look X is a lovely dog ..and stroking him etc' to show that he is not 'nasty' 'bity' etc etc
You could move house next week and someone else could move in to yours with a dog , so I am afraid it is more their problem than yours.

Their daughter is going to have to have meet other dogs unfortunately and her parents need to be able to find her some kind of coping mechanism otherwise her life is going to be hell !

YANBU to have had enough of it ... though what you can do it about it I don't know

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/09/2013 17:56

OP - you aren't going to change your neighbours - they've made that clear and if you keep making comments, well I bet it'll only get worse.

People have moved house for less.

basgetti · 07/09/2013 17:56

YANBU. I think you need to speak focus on the little girl scaring your baby when you speak to the mother again. After all, if she thinks children come first how can she continue allowing her DD to upset yours?

EvieanneVolvic · 07/09/2013 17:56

But solutions can only come from her parents

I can see that you think that, but as I said, if you were to acknowledge that a JOINT solution could be found rather than you (apparently) expecting the ndns to shoulder it all as though it had nothing to do with you, then you might find that something happened after all.

Sparklymommy · 07/09/2013 17:57

How do you know that the parents aren't doing anything to help her overcome this fear? I only ask because with my son, when he was terrified of dogs when presente with one my reaction would be I remove him as quickly as possible from the situation and calm him down. However we also did lots of getting him used to dogs we know and encouraging him to get close to them etc.

Tbh I think sometimes that its a good thing for children to be wary of animals they are not familiar with. Not all dogs are tolerant of children getting in their space and even the nicest dogs can snap and bite when provoked.

thornrose · 07/09/2013 17:57

I agree phobia is way overused and is often used to describe mild fear, a bit like headaches vs migraine or colds vs flu.

I actually feel for you OP, you are in a very difficult situation. I hope you can find a resolution.

WireCat · 07/09/2013 17:58

I've read the thread & it's really comes across , just how frustrated you are.
Just let your dog out the back.

Go for you walks.

Completly ignore the girl & her family. Don't engage them at all.

She is scared. Yes. And I feel sorry for her. My sister has a phobia. When she was a child she was not allowed to cause a scene as my mother said it could encourage the dog to actually do something bad as it would feel scared & threatened.

I can't believe the family don't sit down with their girl & discuss how the dog isn't scary. This wouldn't make her phobia go away, but I'm sure after a while if these talks after each screaming episode, she'd calm down.

Anyway, ignore them now. Completly. The little girl is scared, I get that & I feel for her. But her parents are being utterly indulgent. And I'm sure when they're out & about they must come across other dogs. This can't be the only dog she encounters!

EvieanneVolvic · 07/09/2013 17:58

Basgetti (did you get your name from Frasier and Lilith's Freddie's Basgetti and Beatmalls?) makes an excellent point:

I think you need to speak focus on the little girl scaring your baby when you speak to the mother again. After all, if she thinks children come first how can she continue allowing her DD to upset yours?

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 17:59

Evieanne - if you think it isn't impacting on me, my night-working DH, my 10 month old and my dog, think again.

We can't go in the garden when they are there. We can't go out the front door when they are there. The screaming frightens my DD and makes her wail. It makes me jumpy and edgy, frightens the dog and makes him cower and wakes DH if he's trying to sleep.

I don't know, honestly - not being snarky in the slightest - why you think this doesn't impact on us? How would you feel if someone screamed at you when you left your home, or went in your garden>

Moving it is then Sad

OP posts:
Moxiegirl · 07/09/2013 18:00

It is their problem to solve. Carry on about your business, as long as your dog is not off the lead and in her face!

I feel sorry for the girl but it shouldn't impinge on your life. You can't stop the screaming but you can't stop it either.

Moxiegirl · 07/09/2013 18:00

Oops ignore last sentence I was distracted!

nocarsgo · 07/09/2013 18:00

I think ignoring is definitely the best action. Then it becomes your neighbour's problem and not yours.

HeySoulSister · 07/09/2013 18:01

evie the parents have been round to the op's house with the child in tow.....hardly the actions of people who are trapped in their home is it

EvieanneVolvic · 07/09/2013 18:03

Okay yes I admit I had kind of overlooked the impact on your daughter which must in turn affect you and your DH. Sorry.

But in answer to your question, the someone of whom you speak is a five year old frightened child, not someone who is trying to hurt you. But yes, of course your daughter can't appreciate that, and as you say, it snowballs.

It would be a bummer if you feel forced to move, but I say again, your neighbours are kind of stuck with it! The new people might have a Rottweiler (okay not funny...)

candycoatedwaterdrops · 07/09/2013 18:04

I do roll my eyes when people think that the whole world should bend over backwards for them because they (or their child) has a phobia. I had a phobia and it was horrible, I never went to parks as a kid because I would cry until I would vomit. I still had to curb my behaviour and would have been told off if I screamed until I made a baby cry. My feelings were never allowed to override someone else's feelings.

For an easy life, I would change dog walking time from school time but if the child sees the dog any other time, well then it's not OP's problem. Apart from making her dog invisible or getting rid of him, what the hell is the OP meant to do?!

basgetti · 07/09/2013 18:04

Just seen extra 'speak' in my post! Evie my son calls spaghetti 'basgetti'!

I really don't think the OP should have to move. The neighbour should be the one to change her routine or bring her DD in from the garden. They really shouldn't be making this the OP's problem or impacting upon her life to this extent.

Sparklymommy · 07/09/2013 18:04

I understand that it is impacting on you but does your friend realise this? You say you've spoken to her but how clear have you been with regards to how trapped you feel?

I agree with the poster who said that making a fuss is more likely to make the dog do something out of character. Maybe you could point this out to your friend? Ask her if there is anything she can do to try and make life easier for everyone and prevent the holds phobia becoming a self fulfilling prophecy?

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 18:05

Sorry, I sound really grumpy. I'm just really upset that the nice walk I had planned just got ruined, and its upsetting to see a very friendly dog cowering and trembling.

OP posts:
TiredDog · 07/09/2013 18:06

I think some people have an automatic response to dogs of its the owners fault, the owner must sort it

You are keeping the dog on a lead and in your own garden. That's all that should be required. You have been responsive to the phobia and tried to help. NDN's response has been that the little girl should not be confronted and should come first. So that means screaming is ok

Lets take the dog out of the situation and say she is phobic of your newborn. She screams on sight and calls it smelly nasty etc

Obviously you should consider rehoming your baby....should make all the running to resolve the situation and tolerate screaming and verbal insults because ...well...erm because Hmm

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/09/2013 18:08

But the neighbours aren't going to do anything are they? You can't change other people's behaviour in my experience. So either you learn to live with it or you remove yourself from the situation.

The little girl may grow out of the screaming - but its hysterical crying, well I do think that's a bit of an involuntary reaction so not sure how easy it would be to stop that.

I guess things will be a bit easier over the winter though as the little girl won't be out in her garden so much though.

Its horrid when there's tension with neighbours and it is a reason why a lot of people move.

coffeeinbed · 07/09/2013 18:08

Rottweilers can be lovely dogs BTW.

but they are.
I just feel sorry for the dog, he's done nothing to cause this mess.

thornrose · 07/09/2013 18:09

I personally don't expect anyone to make allowances or even give a toss about my dd's phobia, let alone bend over backwards.

I do wish that people would have a bit of empathy and not make assumptions about peoples parenting based on their own experiences though.

TiredDog · 07/09/2013 18:10

your neighbours are kind of stuck with it!. Or Evie, perhaps they could do something about it....

I had NHS desensitisation therapy for a phobia. Dogs exist everywhere. The NDN can hound the OP out of her own house but there will be a dog in the park, a dog on the street, a dog tied up outside school.

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