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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting really fed up with this? Thoughts, please.

336 replies

friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 16:41

We live in a terraced house. When I sit in the garden, I can see next door's garden clearly.

My next door neighbour is also a friend and has two little girls. The youngest is 5 years old.

We have a dog (chocolate Labrador) who is completely harmless. He does the occasional "woof!" in joy when the door first opens and he has freedom Grin that is it - one bark, he isn't a "noisy" dog in the slightest.

However the youngest of the girls hates him - OK, can live with that. But I can't live with:

  • Screaming hysterically when he is in our garden and she is in hers; crying, yelling, howling.
  • Screaming hysterically if he's going for his evening walk and they are going in/out of the house at the same time.
  • Screaming hysterically when she was around here one evening with her parents and sister. Dog was banished to the kitchen but on one occasion someone left the door ajar when they used the downstairs loo and he stuck his head round. Scream, scream, scream.

I broached it with my neighbour, nicely, and tried to explain that it is pretty unpleasant (I didn't use those words) - she just got defensive and said her DD wouldn't change, she has "always been scared of dogs" and for her, children come before animals.

Am I really being SO unreasonable though? Surely he's got a right to go for his walk in the evenings (he is on a lead by the way) or have a roll in the garden without being screamed at?

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 07/09/2013 18:10

Re home a dog because the neighbours child has a phobia of dogs?

Only on mumsnet. FFS I have heard it all now.

WireCat · 07/09/2013 18:12

Will your dog stay while you get your baby out if the pram to comfort her when she's distressed by the screaming of the other child.

Do not engage the other child or her family. Comfort your baby, comfort your dog. Carry on your way.

Do not let them ruin a normal way of life.

Owning a dog is totally normal, lots of people have dogs. I find it hard to believe she acts like this every time she encounters a dog, unless the girl never goes out. There are always dogs outside the school gates for instance. Also in our park. Would the parents really accept that behaviour every time they go near a dog. I don't think so.

TiredDog · 07/09/2013 18:13

Thorn I do have sympathy with phobias. Mine was (and still can be) overwhelming. If it was my DD it would be even worse because I'd feel it even more.

As it is, I deal with it. I don't expect others to change their lives to accommodate it. It's lovely when they do. If I screamed until they did, I doubt it would help me. In fact it would make my phobia reaction intensify

thornrose · 07/09/2013 18:13

Did anyone actually suggest she rehome the dog?

nilbyname · 07/09/2013 18:14

OMG, I am NOT an animal person at all, never had a pet, never want one either, but your neighbour is being ridiculous!

My DS was frightened of dogs ( I myself am terrified), and we have made it a priority to make sure he got over that. Loads of people have dogs and apart from anything else we want him to be safe around dogs and confident. So we trained him up! He now knows to-
stay still, hold hands with me.
DO NOT shout, scream or wriggle around.
This is all on the basis that if he makes a fuss, then the dog might get excited, think you want to play and start barking/jumping.
We have always, held him, talked to him, comforted him when a dog would come near and over time....he is no longer scared of dogs, cautious yes, but not scared.

op YANBU!!

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 18:14

Hormones, as that actually did really upset me. I was watching him snoring in the corner, knowing that's the dog whose furry head I sobbed into after losing a parent, and who forced me to get out of bed and into the fresh air when I was falling into a deep depression, who made me and my partner/family laugh again when it felt we'd never even smile again.

He isn't a person but he is a living creature, he deserves more.

OP posts:
LovesBeingOnHoliday · 07/09/2013 18:14

Maybe speak to your neighbour about tge impact it has on tge baby?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 07/09/2013 18:16

Yes, Evian did.

Oldraver · 07/09/2013 18:17

If the boot was on the other foot and it was your dog barking at the child the parents would play merry hell. They really need to geta grip and do something to manage her behaviour or try and avoid coming into contact..I dont know how they will do that with the garden issue.

I dont think you are going to get anywhere with this, I think I would be getting cross with the parents but sounds to me like they wont do anything at all about this.

thornrose · 07/09/2013 18:17

Tired I agree, as I said, I don't expect any allowances, it's our issue.

Some people on this thread were making assumptions that parents of children who are scared of dogs were indulgent, enabling etc etc.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 18:18

Nilby, that's really good advice you give your DS.

Our dog just finds the screaming frightening and tries to hide behind the pram (incidentally if anyone with young DCs is considering getting a dog, older ones are brilliant. This one is no trouble at all.)

To be honest his interests in life are pretty much limited to food and poo, he is a hound of basic tastes Grin He's gross really, but we love him!

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 07/09/2013 18:18

"I do wish that people would have a bit of empathy and not make assumptions about peoples parenting based on their own experiences though."

I do have empathy with the child. I have limited empathy with the parents if they don't make any effort to curb their child's behaviour when it is severely impacting upon others e.g. making their neighbours want to move home!

candycoatedwaterdrops · 07/09/2013 18:18

thorn You are projecting, we are judging these parents.

coffeeinbed · 07/09/2013 18:21

Thornrose not all parents.
but to further instill fear by telling the child that the dog is nasty, bitey and smelly makes this particular pair unreasonable.

StuntGirl · 07/09/2013 18:21

I agree that focussing on the impact on your daughter, your sleeping husband and you is the key here. forget your dog - I know, I know, but they don't care about him. So go at it another angle.

Next time she screams go round to your neighbour and say "Your daughter's screaming is waking my baby up, could you please ask her to keep it down?" (added impact if you have a screaming baby on your hip Grin ) If she does it outside say "All this noise is upsetting the baby, could you ask her to stop please?". If she's waking your husband up go round and say the same.

They clearly unreasonable idiots who have decided your dog is a convenient excuse to continue their anti-dog party, so don't bring the dog into it. By omitting him you're stopping the dog being the problem - she becomes the problem.

And I know, she's 5 and scared. But that's precisely why her parents should be dealing with it.

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 07/09/2013 18:21

I appreciate phobias and I am not keen on big dogs. We have a dog now tho and it has helped my daughter who is nervous of dogs. And also my friends daughter who has a phobia. She tends to jump up. Her only vice (well with licking... Sigh). We had a couple of children round recently who said, "I don't like dogs" so I kept dog out of the way but also told the children to ignore her and not flap their arms around ( a signal dog is free to jump...), they did so and the dog ignored them. I do warn people she's a jumper upper (she is getting a lot better on this score), and will lick sometimes. I get frustrated with people who actively encourage my dog to do this.

I am afraid of spiders. I will scream if I see one and recently blubbered like a child when I had to get rid of one. I control this around the children. I would be ok if spiders were soft and fluffy, and not silent and hand like.

I would avoid the school run walk tho. Simply to save your ears. I would also, if te child were mine, be reassuring her and not arguing with the dog owner. I wouldn't be saying the dog was horrible in front of her. I even examine spiders (while screaming inside), for my children's benefit.

thornrose · 07/09/2013 18:22

She also said this I wouldn't really suggest that you rehome him

EvieanneVolvic · 07/09/2013 18:22

Did anyone actually suggest she rehome the dog?

I think that might have been me Blush at 17.36 but then I back pedalled at 17.48. I do have to confess that whilst I am not scared of dogs, I really don't 'get' them, so I probably would consider rehoming in the OP's position, but then I wouldn't have a dog in the first place.

I realise this puts me amongst the lowest of low, and whereas I wouldn't wholly disagree with that, it is for other reasons!

OHforDUCKScake · 07/09/2013 18:22

Yes someone fairly early on in the thread suggested rehoming him.

Poor mutt.

OP the more I read, the more I feel for you.

I feel for the child too, but not being able to leave your house for screaming is just ridiculous.

thornrose · 07/09/2013 18:24

No Candy, not projecting. People were referring to parents generally, not just the parents on this thread.

EvieanneVolvic · 07/09/2013 18:24

Thank you Thorn...reading all the posts! This will never do!

Viking1 · 07/09/2013 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solarbright · 07/09/2013 18:25

We had one DC who was terrified of dogs, because one, big, daft, overfriendly dog jumped on her when she was two. (The dog was going to lick, not bite, but granted DD didn't know that.) So she started panicking, screaming, etc when she saw dogs. We didn't say, hey, that's just her. We talked with her and worked with her and introduced her to smaller, friendly dogs. And we certainly never just let her scream her head off at dogs. That's just stupidity. The OP's dog is friendly and under control, but what's going to happen when she freaks out in front of a properly nasty dog?

There's nothing wrong with the neighbour being scared of dogs. But it is totally out of line to be screaming repeatedly at one that she sees most days. She is old enough to stop screaming, and to helped to find better ways to deal with her fear.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 07/09/2013 18:27

Thornrose Many parents (naturally) put their child first, so it can seem like they are indulging them. I find it odd that some people on here think the OP should change her behaviour to suit someone else's family when it doesn't suit hers...? Surely we all put our needs first.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 07/09/2013 18:28

Good point by oldraver. Perhaps try putting it to your neighbours as-

  1. if they help her live with her phobia her life will be much easier all around
  2. if your dog didnt like children, imagine he barks every time he sees a little girl. Imagine your neighbours are left feeling that they either put their DD up for adoption or move house, because you point blank will not investigate any 'therapy' for the dog