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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting really fed up with this? Thoughts, please.

336 replies

friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 16:41

We live in a terraced house. When I sit in the garden, I can see next door's garden clearly.

My next door neighbour is also a friend and has two little girls. The youngest is 5 years old.

We have a dog (chocolate Labrador) who is completely harmless. He does the occasional "woof!" in joy when the door first opens and he has freedom Grin that is it - one bark, he isn't a "noisy" dog in the slightest.

However the youngest of the girls hates him - OK, can live with that. But I can't live with:

  • Screaming hysterically when he is in our garden and she is in hers; crying, yelling, howling.
  • Screaming hysterically if he's going for his evening walk and they are going in/out of the house at the same time.
  • Screaming hysterically when she was around here one evening with her parents and sister. Dog was banished to the kitchen but on one occasion someone left the door ajar when they used the downstairs loo and he stuck his head round. Scream, scream, scream.

I broached it with my neighbour, nicely, and tried to explain that it is pretty unpleasant (I didn't use those words) - she just got defensive and said her DD wouldn't change, she has "always been scared of dogs" and for her, children come before animals.

Am I really being SO unreasonable though? Surely he's got a right to go for his walk in the evenings (he is on a lead by the way) or have a roll in the garden without being screamed at?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 07/09/2013 16:58

There's no reason at all why her children should come before your dog. If you had a shared garden it might be different, but it's their problem and they don't seem to be managing it very well.
They sound ridiculous.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 07/09/2013 16:59

YANBU but while the mentality of that family is that all dogs are killers I am not sure what you can do about it.

It sounds like the childs fear stems directly from the fathers and isn't based on anything she has experienced.

quesadilla · 07/09/2013 17:00

As someone else said its hard to know if its a genuine phobia or attention seeking. If the dad is also v scared it sounds as if there is an anti dog culture at their house and that the parents don't do much to counter it.

Hard to see what else you can do though...I would just carry on.

Edendance · 07/09/2013 17:00

It's a shame they aren't using your dog to help her overcome her fear. I was terrified of dogs for all of childhood and this fear was supported by my Dad's dislike of them. I make sure with the children I care for that any personal fears or worries which are 'silly' don't get put on them and if I notice a fear creeping in I do my best to gradually tackle it rather than encourage it and avoid the 'threat'.

These parents should be encouraging the child to look at dogs in a more positive way, by holding her and encouraging her to calm down around dogs so she can see what they're actually doing, talking to you as the dog owner, finding out the dogs name, buying it a treat or finding it a stick to play with etc. all these things help children relate to animals in a positive way rather than just loosing it

thenightsky · 07/09/2013 17:01

If the dog ignores the child and isn't bothered by the screaming, I'd be tempted to let him out into the garden anyway. The child will have to stop screaming at some point or her parents will take her in.

PeachesForMe · 07/09/2013 17:01

What I'd probably end up doing would be sternly saying to her 'The dog has done NOTHING WRONG and YOU ARE SCARING HIM, please STOP IT NOW' in a loud and angry voice: do it a few times and everyone will get the message.

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 17:01

What would happen if you got cross? Seriously, if the next time you take the dog out she again screams your baby to tears and terrifies the dog. What would happen if you said (crossly and firmly) this is unacceptable, please deal with this, your child has upset my baby and you need to manage her behaviour?

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 17:02

In other words wot Peaches said.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 17:02

I think you're right with that, wanna.

It does annoy me as she says things like "MUMMY GET THAT NASTY DOG AWAY!" - OK, he can't understand but he is so the opposite of a "nasty dog" I feel quite hurt on his behalf!

(Had a few failed fertility treatments for DD; dog was "the baby!" Grin)

The fence isn't possible due to the way the gardens are - really hard to explain but the terrace is on a hill; they are "higher" than us so a fence would be so high as to completely block out our light if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 17:02

And keep the dog in the garden until she stops screaming. She has nothing to scream about: it's not attacking her or bothering her. If she's getting the result of the dog going inside, she'll carry on the tactic.

coffeeinbed · 07/09/2013 17:05

OP can't keep the dog in the garden, poor thing will get upset with the screaching.
what a mess.

Fluffyemenent · 07/09/2013 17:06

What on earth do you think they can do about it? Seriously? And really did I just read a suggestion to shout at a frightened 5year old? Shame on you.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 17:06

I might try that Peaches, I think I have been too nice so far.

When I returned from taking the dog out just now and she started wailing (didn't have DD with me thank goodness) I said to the neighbour, "I understand she's frightened but I do feel a bit like I can't walk my own dog here." She said something like "well she's always been like it, she just doesn't like dogs, I've got to put her first."

I just feel they are almost encouraging her - or at any rate not discouraging her - because neither of them like dogs, fair enough but I do!

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 07/09/2013 17:06

yes,what peaches said

the parents must enjoy this OTT behaviour as they are indulging it. a grown man scared of dogs???

nocarsgo · 07/09/2013 17:06

The mother should do more to reassure her daughter and teach her not to be so scared. Because the way she's behaving is a total overreaction. If she were my child I would want to spare her all this upset.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 17:08

Fluffy - they need to do SOMETHING. She is their child, it is up to them what they do, but they MUST do something. We really have been considering moving, semi-seriously, because of it.

Why on earth should me, my husband, my dog and my baby have to be screamed at when we walk outside?

OP posts:
Akray · 07/09/2013 17:08

My eldest DD is terrified of dogs ~ doesn't scream but would run / cross road etc if she sees one. There hasn't been any particular incident to have made her like this. i don't like dogs but constantly try to reassure her that most dogs are friendly ~ as scared as I know she is, I wouldn't appreciate her screaming every time she saw a dog.

You sound a lovely neighbour ~ I wish you were next door to me ~ I would use your dog to help my daughter overcome her fearsSmile

YANBU

ziggiestardust · 07/09/2013 17:08

Yes I agree peaches that's a great idea. In the meantime, I'd be letting the dog play about in the garden as much as you like.

My son has suddenly developed an irrational fear of dogs (he's 2.11) and I'd love it if we had neighbours like you to help solve the problem. Because I'm really, really conscious about it. It's so embarrassing when he screams at a friends house because there's a dog nearby. There's no reason for his fear, we only have ever been around nice dogs, and he's just suddenly turned. I hate it and feel so upset for the dog owners we must be upsetting Sad

Floggingmolly · 07/09/2013 17:09

I've got to put her first. What does that even mean? Confused
She sounds quite spectacularly thick, actually, I wouldn't even attempt to appease her in any way. Carry on letting the dog enjoy your garden; they can deal with the fallout that they seem to be actually encouraging.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 07/09/2013 17:09

If a child said that about my dog, I'd be furious too and probably respond (quite possibly unreasonably) by telling her there was no nasty dog here, only a nasty child upsetting dog and baby...

Which isn't really fair as it's actually her twits of parents who are nasty by allowing her to react like that and passing on their own hang ups to their child.

coffeeinbed · 07/09/2013 17:11

I think it's perfectly posible to put your child first and to teach it not to be unnecessarily scared of things.
After all, quite a few of us manage.

And I'm sure the girl has realised she's getting attention this way and is working it.
her life would be much easier if her parents were reasonable.

StuntGirl · 07/09/2013 17:11

I would go in the garden with the dog and try and distract him, or play with him so he's not getting distressed from the screaming. I would tell the child to be quiet as she's scaring the dog. Failing that I would tell the parent to tell the child to be quiet, as it's scaring the dog. As there is a fucking hedge between the two the parents should be trying to allay her fears, it's not like he's going to leap the fence and eat her whole, is it?

Hissy · 07/09/2013 17:12

Do NOT stop doing what suits you, due to the irrational, and clearly learned, fear going on here.

I would suggest that you speak to the mother when the little girl is not around and say "Look, our dog has as much right to be in his garden as your DD is in hers. I'd not dream of asking you to take her indoors, or avoid us for any reason. The fact is the screaming is upsetting me, my baby AND my dog. The dog has done nothing wrong and your DD is safe. Please coach your DD to see that she is safe in her garden and that nothing will happen to her. Explain that actually screaming could make things worse, and the best way is to be quiet and look"

If it were my child i'd not back down from this, i'd take him indoors to see the dog from inside, i'd buy or borrow books about dogs, just to stop this out of control fear.

Hissy · 07/09/2013 17:13

actually, eating her whole'd stop the screaming, right

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 17:14

Hissy, they are really good lines, I may well use them.

No way could he jump the hedge Grin even if he wanted to it is too high.

OP posts:
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