Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting really fed up with this? Thoughts, please.

336 replies

friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 16:41

We live in a terraced house. When I sit in the garden, I can see next door's garden clearly.

My next door neighbour is also a friend and has two little girls. The youngest is 5 years old.

We have a dog (chocolate Labrador) who is completely harmless. He does the occasional "woof!" in joy when the door first opens and he has freedom Grin that is it - one bark, he isn't a "noisy" dog in the slightest.

However the youngest of the girls hates him - OK, can live with that. But I can't live with:

  • Screaming hysterically when he is in our garden and she is in hers; crying, yelling, howling.
  • Screaming hysterically if he's going for his evening walk and they are going in/out of the house at the same time.
  • Screaming hysterically when she was around here one evening with her parents and sister. Dog was banished to the kitchen but on one occasion someone left the door ajar when they used the downstairs loo and he stuck his head round. Scream, scream, scream.

I broached it with my neighbour, nicely, and tried to explain that it is pretty unpleasant (I didn't use those words) - she just got defensive and said her DD wouldn't change, she has "always been scared of dogs" and for her, children come before animals.

Am I really being SO unreasonable though? Surely he's got a right to go for his walk in the evenings (he is on a lead by the way) or have a roll in the garden without being screamed at?

OP posts:
TiredDog · 07/09/2013 17:14

Sheesh the whole family sound precious. They have chosen to reinforce her fear and chosen to ignore doing anything about it.

I agree with Peaches and also the idea that you definitely do not alter your routine to pander to this. In fact keep the dog in the garden for as long as possible (ear plugs...)

holidaysarenice · 07/09/2013 17:14

If you scream in a 5 year old face you deserve arrested. She is not walking up to your dog and screaming in their face.

She is 5. Either she is scared or she will get a bit older and be fine.

You can change your routine in the afternoons to avoid this. In return its then appropriate to say I'm bringing the dog out now as u are scared would you like to go inside to your mummy/daddy.

Give and take.

Hissy · 07/09/2013 17:14

Incidentally OP, who moved in first? You or the neighbour? Is the dog older or younger than the child!

PeachesForMe · 07/09/2013 17:15

I agree with others, I think the parents are enjoying it just a leetle beet.
'I have to put her first' - surely that means helping her to live in the real world? Hmm
If this is the dad's issue being passed on, and the mother is being so needlessly passive, it makes me immediately think he is a bully, actually.

StuntGirl · 07/09/2013 17:16

actually, eating her whole'd stop the screaming, right

Grin
Hissy · 07/09/2013 17:18

I think if you state that your dog needs to go out for exercise and you will do that, regardless.

If they are good parents, they will help her manage this.

If you try to pander to them, their unreasonable and irrational behaviour is going to be rewarded.

... and we can't be doing with that!

you're a mumsnetter fgs

StuntGirl · 07/09/2013 17:18

It's sort of nicely proving their point isn't it? "Ooh look, she's so scared of dogs, nasty nasty dogs. See I said dogs were horrible" When in reality they're causing the problem themselves.

ExcuseTypos · 07/09/2013 17:19

I would go round and speak to the mum, obviously without the dog and the little girl.

I would say what Hissy suggested and also add if the child isn't encouraged to change the way she reacts, she'll still be screaming when she's a teenager and that will be ridiculous!

For the moment I'd just carry on walking and letting your dog out. If you see the girl just ignore, keep calm and reassure both baby and dog.

Floggingmolly · 07/09/2013 17:20

Op should not have to change her routines. The dog is only off the lead in it's own garden which is inaccessible from next door; so the child is in no actual danger.
I suspect she doesn't do this carry-on whenever she passes any other dog in the street; and if she does; then all the more reason for her parents to attempt to do something about it.

EduCated · 07/09/2013 17:20

I think you need to try and stop taking it personally, I'm sure he is a lovely dog Smile

coffeeinbed · 07/09/2013 17:21

that a good point.
OP, does she do the same with other dogs?

Grumpywino · 07/09/2013 17:22

Yanbu, I'm with TiredDog on this.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 17:23

Holidaysarenice, I would never scream in a child's face. Ever. But this cannot carry on, it really cannot.

I have never understood "He/she is (insert age)" on here, as justification for some behaviours. Of course, some behaviour is particular to a child's age. My DD is nearly 10 months; it doesn't need pointing out that as a baby, she will cry.

At the age of 5 however, I do feel she is old enough to listen to and follow an instruction - in this case "stop screaming."

OP posts:
thornrose · 07/09/2013 17:24

My dd is 13 and has a phobia of dogs. I positively revel in her attention seeking behaviour.

I really love it when we can't leave a shop because someone has tied there dog at the only exit. I get a kick out of seeing her in fear and upset. God I'm so indulgent.

A few stern words from a "well meaning" neighbour and we'll all get the message. Yay, I wish I'd thought of that.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 17:25

Edu, you're probably right! (He is a lovely dog!)

But I feel a little how someone might feel if they took their baby or child out and people screwed their noses up or said "ugh, what an ugly kid!" - daft really but I don't like him being screamed at or referred to in such a horrible way!

But it's really the screaming, and the implication WE are somehow at fault!

OP posts:
thefirstmrsrochester · 07/09/2013 17:25

By 'putting her first' your neighbours are creating a monster.
Shrieking and crying when your dog is secure in your garden? Why are they not using your dog to cure her growing hysterical fear?
I'm not keen on dogs or the dentist for that matter but I sure as hell make sure that my fears are controlled and not passed to the dc.
Go about your business as normal op, no concessions to be made.
You are walking a dog, not a ravenous lion, she will encounter many many more dogs than yours.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 07/09/2013 17:27

I'm not sure why you should change your routine if it suits you because they cannot effectively manage their daughter's fear. The child is making your home life unpleasant and upsetting your child.

I was terrified of dogs as a child and would wimper and cry and moan. On no uncertain terms, would my parents have allowed me to scream especially if the dog was a.) on a lead or b.) in a completely separate place!

Pigsmummy · 07/09/2013 17:28

I would say that the dog won't mind and you should just ignore it, annoying yes but nothing you can do about it.

SeaSickSal · 07/09/2013 17:28

It sounds like this family have big control issues and are enjoying forcing you to change your routines and lifestyle to suit them. It really does sound like they are relishing it a bit too much.

buss · 07/09/2013 17:28

this is a ridiculous situation - the neighbours really need to proactive about this
lots of children are scared of dogs when they are small - my ds1 was. He really thought that a dog might eat him (!)
I don't know where he got the idea from as both dh and I like dogs, but he's out grown it anyway and he loves dogs now.
It sounds like the parents are doing nothing to help their child to overcome this.
OP please don't feel you have to change your routine.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 17:29

Thornrose - I am sorry to hear that, I really am.

But I am not going to not have a pet because some people have an irrational fear. Maybe I am heartless and maybe I am just not putting people first but you know, for years before the dog arrived my DH and I sat tolerantly on summer evenings while next door's kids screamed and yelped and roared with laughter on the trampoline. We've sat in restaurants while babies have wailed, on buses where toddlers have had tantrums and tolerated sand kicked in our faces as over-enthusiastic little legs have made for the sea when on holiday.

I don't mind any of that, we live in the world and children are part of that world. But so are dogs. I'll gladly make allowances for people but I'm not asking for such a big allowance here. My dog should be able to leave his home without being screamed at. If the fear is such that she HAS to scream, then if it was my daughter I'd be looking at professional help to be honest.

Sorry if I sound sharp, I'm just SICK of it.

OP posts:
EvieanneVolvic · 07/09/2013 17:30

Thornrose: you have my sympathy, as does your daughter.

I also sympathise with the OP but there is just the teensiest hint of 'we have done nothing wrong and could never possibly ever do anything wrong oh woe is us' about her take on it. And I sincerely hope her assumption that her own daughter when she gets to be 5 will automatically listen to instructions and see reason doesn't come back to bite her on the bum.

TwoStepsBeyond · 07/09/2013 17:31

My friend's DD is petrified of dogs, never been bitten or anything, but will freak if she sees one even several hundred metres away. She is also terrified of cats, birds, anything that moves, bless her. its nothing her mum has done or any kind of attention seeking, she shakes and screams and falls off her bike in the rush to escape.

However, recently her mum and little brother have been coaxing her to stroke dogs they know, resulting in her still being a bit nervous, but actually able to pet them and nowhere near as jumpy.

Perhaps you could offer for her to come round and get to know your dog to help her with her fear, if its approached Ian friendly way, with patience and understanding you could be doing her (& you and your dog!) a real favour.

EvieanneVolvic · 07/09/2013 17:32

And taking offence and being because a child is scared of the dog is just too out there for words.

thornrose · 07/09/2013 17:32

My post was a knee jerk reaction to the assumptions that it's bad parenting or indulgent to "allow" your child to be scared of dogs.