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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting really fed up with this? Thoughts, please.

336 replies

friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 16:41

We live in a terraced house. When I sit in the garden, I can see next door's garden clearly.

My next door neighbour is also a friend and has two little girls. The youngest is 5 years old.

We have a dog (chocolate Labrador) who is completely harmless. He does the occasional "woof!" in joy when the door first opens and he has freedom Grin that is it - one bark, he isn't a "noisy" dog in the slightest.

However the youngest of the girls hates him - OK, can live with that. But I can't live with:

  • Screaming hysterically when he is in our garden and she is in hers; crying, yelling, howling.
  • Screaming hysterically if he's going for his evening walk and they are going in/out of the house at the same time.
  • Screaming hysterically when she was around here one evening with her parents and sister. Dog was banished to the kitchen but on one occasion someone left the door ajar when they used the downstairs loo and he stuck his head round. Scream, scream, scream.

I broached it with my neighbour, nicely, and tried to explain that it is pretty unpleasant (I didn't use those words) - she just got defensive and said her DD wouldn't change, she has "always been scared of dogs" and for her, children come before animals.

Am I really being SO unreasonable though? Surely he's got a right to go for his walk in the evenings (he is on a lead by the way) or have a roll in the garden without being screamed at?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 08/09/2013 08:15

I wonder if this is actually coming from the parents. They sound a bit like a neighbour I had. Within one day of moving in to a new house she had rung the council and complained that my dogs barked all night (they didn't, they were asleep in my bed). She started an utter campaign against them, it was a nightmare. Turns out she just hated dogs in general and didn't want them living next door to her. This sounds a bit like what is happening to the OP, that the parents are actually hoping that she will move out or rehome her dog.

apachepony · 08/09/2013 09:17

I agree, sounds like the dad in particular may even be encouraging the behaviour, a person may not like dogs but that doesn't give them the right to scream at them. The parents should be teaching this but I do suspect the dad wants the dog gone.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 08/09/2013 09:59

I am on the fence on this. We are not literally this child's parents. Our dd is terrified of dogs. This all started when we went to a friends house and they had bought 2 springer spaniel puppies. They had a tiny garden and the puppies were never walked and they were bat shit crazy. The child was terrified and they jumped and snapped at her as well as tearing the garden apart. Anyway never mind the child I was never going back and I am not scared of dogs. A few months after you guessed it they rehomed the dogs and got a new one. We were totally not amused but from our daughter's perspective the damage was done and she is terrified of dogs. We had spent the last 2 years trying to get her more and more used to dogs but it is a very slow process. Now she is improving but she is definitely not there yet. To be honest OP your expectations of a 5 year old are what have really taken me off your side when you said that by 5 your daughter was going to be able to follow instructions you lost me. A 5 year old who is petrified is not going to follow instructions calmly. However that said this is something that needs to be sorted and the screaming needs to stop I agree with those up post who have suggested you need to get her parents to understand the impact this is having on your dd and your shift working husband.

The only one last thing I will say to you is that we do not kerb our daughter's behaviour around the couple who we believe are responsible for this fear developing in our daughter. They have another dog snd we absolutely indist she is not in our daughter's presence without us being there which frankly bugs the shit out if them but we are unapologetic. We were furious with them at the time as knowing how bad the dogs were they never warned us and they were letting the dogs into the children and in our eyes they not the dogs were responsible for their behaviour. I should have mentioned there own child was terrified of them too. If your dog has been snapping unbeknownst to you or features in the parents mind asides from his mere presence as part of the problem you might find the parents completely uninterested in your issues with the screaming but I hope not.

manticlimactic · 08/09/2013 10:16

friends Did you mention that the DD seems fine when she's walking about in town where there are dogs?

SarahAndFuck · 08/09/2013 10:18

OP I think you did quite well in that conversation, because it sounds very frustrating.

You said that the little girl can only see your dog from the trampoline or swings and having those things in their garden is their lifestyle choice, something that used to impact on your enjoyment of your garden even before they got their dog.

Hopefully your comment about their choices has made them think a bit.

SarahAndFuck · 08/09/2013 10:20

even before you got your dog, that should say.

Sorry, I have DH nagging in my ear this morning, am not with it.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 08/09/2013 10:20

Manti, no, I didn't. The dogs in town were quite small - our dog is quite large, so that could well be the source of the problem.

neunundneunzigluftballons - our dog has not been "snapping." Besides which, he has never got close enough to her to "snap" because as soon as she sees him, she screams and as soon as she screams, he hides.

To be honest I have lost sympathy - like I said to the mother, after over a year of this, my well of sympathy has run completely dry.

OP posts:
GreetingsFrontBottom · 08/09/2013 10:20

It's really hurtful when people don't like your pets. I would try to ignore it. Where we live there is a lady who goes for a walk around the park at the same time as me and our dog (who is lovely). When she sees us, she dramatically starts walking sideways so that she doesn't pass us.

Once, our dog went trotting towards her, on the lead, so didn't get near her. The woman shouted. "I hate dogs, ESPECIALLY THAT ONE!!!". I shouted back, "yeah, well she HATES YOU TOO!!!".

You have to have a thick skin sometimes.

valiumredhead · 08/09/2013 10:27

Ignore the screaming. Don't talk to the mum. If you can't put up a bigger fence then can you put trellis on top of your existing one and plant a fast growing ever green clematis? It will only take about 6 months and then she won't see your dog at all.

She won't be 5 forever and will probably calm down as she gets older.

valiumredhead · 08/09/2013 10:31

Greeting-why would you let your dog go trotting towards someone even if it was on a lead, who was clearly terrified of your dog?

denialandpanic · 08/09/2013 10:39

my dd just six does exactly what the op describes.it drives me nuts. we tell her to stop scaring the poor dogs and try to avoid leaving the house at the same time as neighbors etc. we see it as entirely our problem not neighbours. she ran out in the road away from a dog on the way to school on a leash, luckily no harm done but the driver of oncoming car must have got an awful shock. sometimes kids get stuck in behaviours which we know are ridiculous but we can't seem to do anything about except keep up a sustained this is silly message and hope they grow out of it. I really wish people would stop saying oh he's lovely really, would she like to pet him? I'm sure her is lovely but right then I need to get my screaming hysterical child out of the situation and called down before school so walk on please with my full apologies you are not helping!!!

GreetingsFrontBottom · 08/09/2013 10:42

valiumredhead, I don't, she just looks at people and tries to go over to them. I don't let her, though. If people come over and stroke her, fine. But I wouldn't allow her accost anyone.

Floggingmolly · 08/09/2013 10:48

denial. You've just given the perfect response to all the posters who claim but it's your dog, op, you have to be part of the problem, so really should be looking for ways to solve it.
Well done for being so clear sighted on your own situation and not attempting to pass the problem not someone else.

treaclesoda · 08/09/2013 10:50

I can see both sides of this tbh.

The OP certainly has a right to have her dog in her garden or to walk her dog.

But the little girl is terrified. I have a 7 year old with severe anxiety and phobias, and its incredibly difficult to get help for them, the nhs is stretched and these things just don't take priority. I'm not some sort of indulgent, weak parent, I'm trying really hard to get help for her, but its hard to come by. I have tried to teach her not to be afraid of dogs but I can't guarantee that she wouldn't scream if a strange one approached her.

Awomansworth · 08/09/2013 10:54

When I was four I was bitten by our neighbours dog, who jumped over the fence into our garden. If my parents hadn't been there with me it could have been much worse.

No matter what my parents said or did after this the fear of dogs would not go away. I appreciate this girl has not been bitten, but I'm sure the fear is very real to hear.

I do however believe that the parents attitude is not helping at all especially the dad. As an adult I now understand that not all dogs will attack (as a child I didn't) and that is the message I give to my 2 five year olds.

I would never project my apprehension of dogs onto them. Incidentally one has no fear of dogs at all, the other unfortunately does, but I wouldn't be tolerating screaming from him.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/09/2013 10:59

I seem to be the only one here but I would be pretty furious if you came round.and said my phobic 5 year old was not acting like a reasonable human being.

Yet you are all smug about it and people are slapping you on the back.

Weird. But I don't get a lot of things.on MN these days.

roughtyping · 08/09/2013 11:03

I was terrified of dogs when I was little, absolutely petrified. What made it worse was knowing my mum and other people thought I was being ridiculous.

I KNEW it was a unreasonable fear, to feel absolute terror seeing dogs, but it was horrible to feel it spiral out of control and have people laugh at you and get annoyed Hmm

Genuinely can't believe posters have suggested screaming at the little girl. She's 5 and has a(n unreasonable to you, granted) fear. Just ignore and let parents deal with it.

roughtyping · 08/09/2013 11:05

Oh, I grew out of my 'phobia' around twelve, although I'm still wary of big dogs/collies. Haven't passed my fear onto DS, he loves dogs.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 08/09/2013 11:10

Fanjo I'm not smug - I'm at the end of my tether. Believe me, we have been so nice and understanding and smiley for MONTHS and the problem hasn't got any better. I am sure my annoyance is the least of their problems but unfortunately it isn't mine.

OP posts:
cubedmelon · 08/09/2013 11:11

YANBU....

I would be firm....not with the child, with the parents who have let their daughter down by encouraging this phobia and not doing more to stop her being frightened. Shame on them for letting it get to this level. That phobia could follow her around for her whole life. It could affect her friendships at school...she might not get invited to friends houses.

You are definitely not in the wrong, her parents have let her down.

(I'm stubborn on this issue because I have seen first hand how childhood phobias can affect adults). Attempts should have been made by her parents to diminish her anxiety.

Keep on doing what you're doing.

MrRected · 08/09/2013 11:17

I have a friend with a child like this. It ruins every visit - the worst bit is that by the end of the evening she all over my dogs, cuddling them etc and then has a screaming tantrum when she has to leave them behind. I am certain her behaviour isn't about fear. Not sure what it is about though.

2ticks · 08/09/2013 11:23

Hmmm so in your title when you said "thoughts please" you weren't actually interested in anybody else's thoughts were you unless they were in line with your own?

Roughtyping sums up really well what it feels like to be a child with a fear.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 08/09/2013 11:26

That's a shame. I hope I've summed up really well what it's like living next door to a child with fear.

OP posts:
2ticks · 08/09/2013 11:35

Yes you have, and nobody on this thread has said that you are unreasonable for feeling frustrated/at the end of your tether. However, you now seem very stuck in the "well of sympathy has run dry" state of mind and are no longer willing to do anything other than expect the other parents to magically stop the screaming.

Hissy · 08/09/2013 11:39

This is NOT the OP's issue.

She's been as accommodating as she can be, but this child is clearly only balking at certain dogs.

This IS a job for thé parents, either to help her themselves, or get the help she needs to stop this behaviour.

It's not a phobia, and apparently not even a fear, or else it'd be ALL dogs, surely?