to be getting really fed up with this? Thoughts, please.

[friendslikethese]

We live in a terraced house. When I sit in the garden, I can see next door's garden clearly.

My next door neighbour is also a friend and has two little girls. The youngest is 5 years old.

We have a dog (chocolate Labrador) who is completely harmless. He does the occasional "woof!" in joy when the door first opens and he has freedom that is it - one bark, he isn't a "noisy" dog in the slightest.

However the youngest of the girls hates him - OK, can live with that. But I can't live with:

• Screaming hysterically when he is in our garden and she is in hers; crying, yelling, howling.

• Screaming hysterically if he's going for his evening walk and they are going in/out of the house at the same time.

• Screaming hysterically when she was around here one evening with her parents and sister. Dog was banished to the kitchen but on one occasion someone left the door ajar when they used the downstairs loo and he stuck his head round. Scream, scream, scream.

I broached it with my neighbour, nicely, and tried to explain that it is pretty unpleasant (I didn't use those words) - she just got defensive and said her DD wouldn't change, she has "always been scared of dogs" and for her, children come before animals.

Am I really being SO unreasonable though? Surely he's got a right to go for his walk in the evenings (he is on a lead by the way) or have a roll in the garden without being screamed at?

Evieann, are you seriously suggesting that op should get rid of her dog?? The dog that is on the other side of a fence to the child, and kept on a lead when they're in the street?
Even if op hadn't later clarified that the child doesn't in fact create a scene on encountering any dog other than hers, it's still quite a gobsmacking suggestion

I am not a huge dog fan, but i don't mind them. The girl obviously needs to be taught about dogs but her parents obviously don't want to do that. As i see it you have three options, a. Move. B. Go around to the neighbours and discuss the best way of moving forward so you can live a life free of screaming and they can help their child deal with your dog. C. Ignore all the drama. And do whatever you want when you want. You'll have to put up with a little inconvenience , but. after all, you surely must only cross for 30 seconds coming out of your house and surely her parents must deal with her if she screams in the garden for more than a minute or so?

So which do you want to do? Personally i would sit out in the garden, play with the dog and wait it out if she starts screaming, ignoring anything that goes on in their garden. If she screams, let her and ignore her. Its not your child and surely the parents Will get fed up before you? I would do that every day until the parents realise that you are not going to bullied out of your garden by a five year old and they need to tackle her behavior.

I would be considering involving the community police team after a year of this, tbh. Although that would definitely end any friendship (I am that you would be on friendly terms after all this anyway). However, if you are serious about moving bear in mind you are supposed to declare any disputes with neighbours whether or not you've tried to do something about them.

We moved house once partly to get away from a screaming child (5am, daily, thin walls) of some neighbours. We were/are friendly and we felt it was move or the friendship.

It sounds like a complete pain in the arse to be honest. DD1 had an unrational fear of dogs, she would run into the road, without thinking, if she saw one in the distance. But, as long as the dog wasn't of the lead and jumping on her it was our problem to sort out.

She was told never to scream or shout and to keep calm because most dogs aren't interested in her same as butterflies.

We eventually got a dog. Now DD is happy to walk her and isn't bothered by other dog's being near to her butterflies are a different matter

It sounds like this is the perfect opportunity for child to get used to at a safe distance a friendly dog.

I pity your poor dog for having to put up with the trauma if a screaming child constantly.

Wow, that kid sounds really annoying, I'm sorry for your poor baby and dog. I think you need to explain to her stupid parents that if she screams like that at a dog which is less well behaved and more aggressive than yours, it could put her in a lot of danger.

The short answer is yes, Rinse, she has AS and has more than one phobia. They subside then reappear and change in severity. She used to be terrified of pigeons (we lived in London, it was full of them!) and that went away by itself.

The dog one doesn't go away. She manages it with my support and there's a possibility it might go away spontaneously. She has had CBT which helped but only in the short term.

Evieann, are you seriously suggesting that op should get rid of her dog?? The dog that is on the other side of a fence to the child, and kept on a lead when they're in the street?
Even if op hadn't later clarified that the child doesn't in fact create a scene on encountering any dog other than hers, it's still quite a gobsmacking suggestion

Do keep up Molly there's a treasure!

she needs to be taught not to scream at dogs as if she frightens them they are more likely to hurt her-either attack her or knocking her over trying to get away from the screaming. it can also affect your dogs personality if always being screamed at, but your neighbours wont care about that part.

This is the parents issue here. I am glad you are going to have a word.
I have a large lab too, my DN was afraid of dogs and came to stay, after being carefully introduced by myself and SIL to support him over a couple of days he loved him and was asking to visit and play with him. He is now not not so nervous of other dogs and mine writes to him regularly . My dog knows he has to sit and be calm around children. I would hate it of the children next door screamed at him when he was in his garden (as he would).

Evieanne Patronising, much?

I've RTFT and yadnbu!! And I speak as someone who is not that fond of dogs though I really loved my dog as a child. I hate hate hate when people allow their dogs to jump up and lick, but anyway!

I'm so irked now on your behalf that I'm afraid I'd be taking my dog outside as often as possible, especially if I saw the girl out !!!! But then, I'm thrawn that way. It would really make me dig my heels in!

I'd definitely get the doggy ear muffs and possibly some for your dd as well, and let the little horror scream as much as she likes! She'll soon get fed up and it'll hurt her throat so she will stop.

Her parents are AT IT with a capital F. If she's not getting upset at other dogs when out and about, there is no problem. They are encouraging her, plain and simple.

I used to have a terrible fear of spiders until one horrific night when I was pregnant and we were literally inundated with them. Went up to bed and there was a huge one IN the bed! Took DH half an hour to catch it and get rid of it. Meantime, I came downstairs to find another 2! I was hysterical.

And the next night, there was another one in our bed!!! Bed got stripped again!!! After that, I felt it couldn't have got
much worse and I no longer felt so frightened.

Though I changed my relocation policy to one of swift annihilation! I have great peripheral vision and I can spot one scuttling across the floor even half cut with only the telly serving as a light!! And I'm quite short-sighted!

So I do get phobias etc but I also know they can be cured/ managed. It's the parents' responsibility to sort this , fact.

Sounds to me like they are enjoying this power they have. Think that has already been said.

OP you have my sympathy ..

My guess is that the dad doesn't like dogs and moans and complains at home about your dog to his dw and DCs. He might secretly enjoy that his dd is 'anti' your dog and actually encourage it. As another poster has said upthread he could be a bit of a bully at home.

Anyway,
Perhaps you could offer for her to come round and get to know your dog to help her with her fear, if its approached Ian friendly way, with patience and understanding you could be doing her (& you and your dog!) a real favour.

That is what I would do. I would go over for a cup of tea (withut the dog but maybe with your baby) when the dad is not at home, and have a chat about this with the mum but keep it lighthearted. I would in fact bring the girl a little cuddly toy (puppy or whatever) and maybe a kids book about dogs (puppies) and give it to her as a gift. This way you might attach a positive meaning to the concept 'dog'.

Bt do not change your own routines to accommodate this family's issues. And also, yanbu.

On a different note, it never fails to astonish me when people put children and dogs in the same category.

This book helped a friend's DC www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Lick-Dog-Making-Friends/dp/0805087338/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378581336&sr=8-1&keywords=don%27t+lick+the+dog

YANBU; you're trying to find a solution to this and you have every right to have a family pet.

It sounds like the little girl needs help to overcome her fear. You moving would accomplish nothing as what if the new occupants have a dog, and aren't as understanding as you? The onus is on her parents to get some help for her phobia.

I would find the screaming very unsettling for all concerned.

OP was going over there about 8pm to have this out wasn't she?

try and ignore them if it is possible Labradors are among the daftest lovable amiable dogs and it's, a pity the child's father can't pull himself together and make friends with your dog.A lab would be perfect for him to get his fears under control

Good grief - YADNBU. This little girl is being a little sod and needs to be taught not to distress you, your child, DP and dog. One minute its screaming - when that stops working, what next? Stone throwing to 'get the nasty bitey dog away??

I have a male border collie who is the most noisy old git there is. He barks constantly on his walks (sometimes aggressively but mostly just being noisy) and growls at anyone he doesn't know. He pulls on lead for the first half hour of the walk and can look incredibly aggressive head on (think foamy and growly) He walks perfectly to heel and without barking OFF LEAD. I would never in a million years walk him off lead, as I could not trust that he wouldn't run off or start barking/growling at someone. My solution is to walk him at night, on lead with halti muzzle. He looks so embarrassed and forlorn that he wouldn't bother a whimper let alone a bark! I would never, ever put someone in a position where they had to face Max in a growly, foamy, barking state. It is absolutely unfair, especially for a child.

YANBU.

The dog's not able to get to her and the odd bark is nothing. Maybe the father's fear has rubbed off onto the child.

Either way, not pleasant that you and your dog can't enjoy your garden without the hysterics.

Wow, that post makes my dog sound horrid! He is actually a fabulous dog, just a whingey old git.

OP - I hope your "talk" this evening goes well (fingers crossed).

The whole situation is ridiculous and while I wouldn't wish to be unsympathetic to a small child who's genuinely terrified of anything, it does sound as if this particular situation isn't quite as straightforward as that ..... e.g. the apparent lack of a similar response to other dogs she sees out and about, and the fact you know the dad is scared of dogs too. As others have suggested, I wouldn't be at all surprised if her father's attitude is significantly influencing the girl - given what you've heard him to say on countless occasions (completely unfounded anti-dog remarks) then it's not completely unrealistic to consider she may be making a song and dance because (in part at least) she subsequently gets attention and possibly praise from her dad for effectively toeing the party line - that all dogs are horrid etc.

Mind you ..... if he hates all dogs so much, why then, does he not encourage a similar reaction to other dogs ? Makes me wonder if he has some sort of personal beef with you which has nothing at all to do with the dog but he's a convenient and easy thing to pick on and vent whatever his frustration/annoyance might be.

I agree with all those who've said that the parents should be managing this phobia - whatever their own personal feelings (if genuine - not so sure it's that simple) as they are the adults and should be putting their own fears behind them to reassure their child. Your dog has done nothing wrong and you sound like a responsible owner. It would be entirely different if you had an untrained, aggressive animal who kept leaping into their garden - the fear would be understandable, but the dad is teaching his daughter that it's acceptable to make a song and dance about something which has never posed any danger. I'm absolutely terrified of spiders and whilst I appreciate that UK spiders are rather different to UK dogs and that they don't actually pose a danger to me, my gut reaction is one of fear and panic nonetheless ..... I try very very hard not to transfer this to my children, because logically I know they can't hurt me no matter how much my instincts appear to say otherwise - it's not even a fear of being hurt actually, it's an absolute repulsion. But the thing is, I don't want my children to experience similar feelings of terror and have therefore done my level best to hide my responses from them and to talk to them in a neutral fashion about spiders and the good they do etc. I don't understand why your NDNs don't adopt a similar approach ..... it's utterly irresponsible to build upon a child's fear by reinforcing the notion that dogs are bad with stupid untrue remarks ....

.... of course, there's nothing wrong in teaching children to be respectful of dogs (and other animals) because it would be irresponsible to pretend that they - as a species - never pose any sort of risk, and again, if you were genuinely scared of dogs yourself then surely the sensible thing to do would be to teach your child tactics to minimise the possibility of them being attacked (as much as you can - I accept that unfortunately, you can't necessarily totally protect yourself from the minority of vicious dogs whose owners haven't trained and/or care for them properly). There's no excuse these days for pleading ignorance about what constitutes sensible behaviour around dogs - there's an absolute wealth of info on the net from reputable sources which explains what you should and shouldn't do ....... and surely it isn't rocket science to know that screeching and screaming and flapping about is quite possibly one of the worst things to do

I really hope it doesn't come to you having to move. Though for your own peace of mind and that of your child and dog, in the long run you'd definitely feel happier. Just feels so unfair though that you should even have to consider this drastic with all the associated stress and expense because of your ignorant - and quite possibly flakey - neighbours. I'm convinced the problem here is the parents, and particularly the dad, rather than the little girl.

I would go with the 'get cross' route. Every time it happens, just say 'Be quiet or go inside' in a stern voice, until she does one of the two. Phobia or not, it's not acceptable behaviour in the real world. Fault of the parents of course. She needs (a) some sort of psychological help, if it's a real phobia or (b) some discipline from her parents if it's not.

Like others have said it will end very badly for her with another dog otherwise.

Well, I've said my bit

I knocked and said "can I have a word?" probably quite brusquely. Both her DDs were still up, so I had to explain it was regarding the situation with her DD and she didn't get the hint so I had to outright say "sorry, do you mind if I speak to you about this without the girls in the room?" Eventually when they were upstairs I broached the subject.

She said "it's about the dog, isn't it" and went into a speech about being sorry, DD doesn't like dogs, she does it to X's dog as well - I just said, "look, to be totally honest here, my well of sympathy has run dry." which shocked her a bit - she looked quite miffed. I said that I had gone past her DD liking the dog but I did not expect him to be screamed at, it was disturbing everybody. I added having a dog was a lifestyle choice and just as I don't insult or comment negatively on any of their lifestyle choices, I don't expect our choice of pet to have insults rained on it every time it is seen.

She just sighed and said "I will do my best!" Her DH came in at that point and made some comment about the dog which was a bit cringe-y; NDN said "that's what she's here about." I said, "look, there's no point obviously going over the whole conversation, but me and my DH are really at despairing point just now. We can't go in the garden or walk outside without being screamed at." He said that we couldn't expect her to like dogs "just because we had one" I said - "we don't, we just expect her to behave like a civilised human being!"

Harsh but I was/am FED UP.

So strained relations from now on probably but really and truly I am sick of it.