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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting really fed up with this? Thoughts, please.

336 replies

friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 16:41

We live in a terraced house. When I sit in the garden, I can see next door's garden clearly.

My next door neighbour is also a friend and has two little girls. The youngest is 5 years old.

We have a dog (chocolate Labrador) who is completely harmless. He does the occasional "woof!" in joy when the door first opens and he has freedom Grin that is it - one bark, he isn't a "noisy" dog in the slightest.

However the youngest of the girls hates him - OK, can live with that. But I can't live with:

  • Screaming hysterically when he is in our garden and she is in hers; crying, yelling, howling.
  • Screaming hysterically if he's going for his evening walk and they are going in/out of the house at the same time.
  • Screaming hysterically when she was around here one evening with her parents and sister. Dog was banished to the kitchen but on one occasion someone left the door ajar when they used the downstairs loo and he stuck his head round. Scream, scream, scream.

I broached it with my neighbour, nicely, and tried to explain that it is pretty unpleasant (I didn't use those words) - she just got defensive and said her DD wouldn't change, she has "always been scared of dogs" and for her, children come before animals.

Am I really being SO unreasonable though? Surely he's got a right to go for his walk in the evenings (he is on a lead by the way) or have a roll in the garden without being screamed at?

OP posts:
Vida · 07/09/2013 21:03

So she doesn't do it with other dogs? That puts her firmly in the 'indulged little madam' category then. I wouldn't hesitate to give her a short, sharp word in that case. And her parents.

nocarsgo · 07/09/2013 21:06

I thought what you said was fair. It's got totally out of hand, and it's the parents' fault for letting their child be such a drama queen. She's entitled to be afraid of dogs but not to scream herself silly every time she catches sight of one across the fence.

thornrose · 07/09/2013 21:10

What a waste of time! Nothing useful came out of that conversation did it? How did they respond to the civilised human being remark?

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 21:13

Something might change. Now you've got cross.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 21:16

it was not a waste of time.

it made ME feel a HELL of a lot better.

Grin
OP posts:
deakymom · 07/09/2013 21:18

difficult one, my son used to shriek and wail at dogs (small dogs a jack Russell terrier PUPPY had him in hysterics to my utter embarrassment) i had to train him out of it as some dogs get wound up by it and one dog did try to attack him as he was causing such a fuss it aggravated the dog badly the owner was most upset her dog could turn into a growling snarly dog i haven't seen the dog since if the neighbour is your friend it might be worth explaining to her this as it can be a really bad situation all round if she does this by the wrong dog even the right dog can try and bounce closer for a look at what is causing a fuss which will obviously make life worse ive had to teach my son to return to me (he walks on ahead in the park where there are lots of dogs) he has to walk not run and zip his lip thanks to some great dogs and dog owners he is better now he still wont approach a dog willingly unless i go first (invited of course) but he even walked past a small dog the other day without batting an eyelid which is great progress Smile

TheFarSide · 07/09/2013 21:18

YANBU OP and well done for trying to tackle it. Let's hope they take what you say on board - maybe they will when they've had time to digest it.

I have a phobia and I don't expect people to change their behaviour to accommodate me.

thornrose · 07/09/2013 21:19

Oh ok, great, I thought you wanted to find a solution. Letting off steam was enough! Grin

josephinebruce · 07/09/2013 21:27

The girl is a brat.
The parents are crap.
Your dog sounds lovely - come and live next door to me and my back lab lol.

pudcat · 07/09/2013 21:30

If the child's dad is saying nasty things about the dog this where the problem lies. Does he take delight in winding his daughter up so much that she screams at the dog all the time?

DeckSwabber · 07/09/2013 21:35

I think this little girl is going to get bitten or hurt if she doesn't learn to calm down around animals. Being screamed at is upsetting for them and one day a dog will react badly. Her parents are being negligent.

It also sounds like attention-seeking behaviour from the little girl.

LozzaCro · 07/09/2013 21:37

Very proud of you friends.

It most definitely was not a waste of time, it has brought it all out in the open properly and you have put your point of view across.

I must say, I wouldn't say or shout at the girl - tempting as it is! I would leave it entirely to the parents. If she starts screaming in your presence just ignore her and take on board what the parents actually do.

Well done on the successful use of your lady balls!

Sparkyduchess · 07/09/2013 21:44

Glad you've said your piece, and I think you we're entirely fair.

My 14 yr old DS (5'9", physically more man than boy) is phobic about dogs. A friend recently got a cockerpoo puppy, and DS couldn't get past the doorway of the room the dog was in- and this pup fitted in my hand.

He's been like this all his life, but he doesn't scream, doesn't make comments about smelly dogs, he freezes and shakes from head to toe. In your situation, he wouldn't use the garden while your dog was in yours, and he would freeze until you'd walked past, but he's always known that the problem is his.

I've no idea what caused his fear, but I would never have accepted the screaming, nor would I have expected a dog owner who sounds as responsible as you do too put up with that.

WireCat · 07/09/2013 22:05

Glad you've spoken to them. Hopefully something will come of this chat. Especially as she doesn't get hysterical when she sees other dogs.

2ticks · 07/09/2013 22:06

I have always had a fear of dogs. It's a pain in the arse and I wish that I wasn't (have tried hypnotherapy etc).

I wonder if there's a trust issue here as well.

She came round to your house and the dog was banished, but it still managed to get out due to someone not being careful with a door. This happened to me so many times when I was younger, friends would know I was scared and friends parents would promise that the dog was away and wouldn't come out and then someone would forget to close the door, and then the dog would come out, so I would then no longer trust that what they said would be true. They would always say things like "oh it doesn't matter, he/she won't hurt you" etc etc but to me it was saying that my fears hadn't been acknowledged and their promise hadn't been kept. In the illogical world of fear, if you can't trust people when they say that the dog won't come out, then how can you trust them if they say that the dog won't hurt you?

From your posts you sound very cross and not really wanting to have any part in resolving this this anymore, but that might just be the immediate frustration talking. But, if you did want to try and work with the other parents to sort it out (rather than just expecting them to be able to stop it), then I would work on building the trust (of you as much of the dog), so that if you say that the dog will be on a lead when it's out the front going for a walk then it always will be. Try to calmly ignore the screaming (or agree with the other parent that they will take their child indoors), and don't get shouty/cross with the girl.

By the way in terms of passing on the fear - one of my children is very nervous of dogs and the other absolutely loves them - no idea how that happened!

Icantstopeatinglol · 07/09/2013 23:00

josephine 'the girl is a brat'? Get a grip she's 5!! It's her parents that need to help her! How ridiculous!

Tabliope · 07/09/2013 23:15

friends, did you mention about how it's making your DD react when the next door neighbour's daughter starts screaming? All you've heard from them is we have to put her first, well what about your DD? Why should she be made a bag of nerves from a child screaming at her. The girl's parents are not helping her at all. One thing to be scared of something but surely you teach a child not to be scared when it first happens so it doesn't get out of control? My DS used to scream disproportionately to the injury he received falling over etc. I actually had to tell him to stop screaming quite harshly as it would panic me. He stopped. Didn't mind him crying if he'd hurt himself but sometimes you have to rein it in, and sometimes it's up to the parents to tell a child to get a grip.

Chippednailvarnish · 07/09/2013 23:16

Well done OP, I think you've been very tolerant!

Spikeytree · 07/09/2013 23:50

I'm selling my house because my horrible next-door neighbour shouts abuse at my dog when he is in my garden. My boy is 14 and just doesn't need it. He's quiet, lovely, half-blind and she is a bitch. I have to go out with him every time or he is scared to go into his own garden. He was also a rescue dog and the shouting makes him cower in fear that he is going to be beaten again like he was as a puppy.

This 5 year-old is on her way to becoming my next-door neighbour if someone doesn't help her get a grip. You have done nothing wrong and should make no apology for favouring your pet over next door's daughter. I favour my animals over most people I know.

Ireallymustbemad · 07/09/2013 23:52

Hopefully you'll have got your point across OP and they will actually try and help their daughter deal with it.

I am not generally a fan of dogs at all but I do really feel for you as it is making your lives very difficult when you haven't done anything wrong.

I hope the situation improves with time.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 08/09/2013 00:04

Good for you for speaking to them. My DS is afraid of dogs but I won't tolerate squealing and screaming when one goes by.

StuntGirl · 08/09/2013 00:34

I hope speaking to them direct about it resolves the issues OP. They are absolutely doing their daughter no favours if she screams her head off at dogs - phobia or not, that's going to eventually get her hurt when she meets the wrong dog.

They sound like a bunch of wet lettuces, I hope they have taken on board what was said.

Pachacuti · 08/09/2013 01:44

This isn't a pro-dog vs. anti-dog thread. I don't have a dog. I don't intend to ever have a dog. I had a dog-phobic child. The owners of a dog should control the dog. The parents of a child should protect that child.

lunar1 · 08/09/2013 01:46

Your neighbours sound pathetic. I guess they could drive you to move and someone with 3 bouncy, noisy dogs could end up moving in. the little girl wont thank her parents for encouraging this behaviour.

2ticks · 08/09/2013 07:25

It does seem a bit extreme that you feel "driven out' by this. The screaming phase will pass. If she continues to feel scared of dogs then she will develop different ways to deal with it - probably by going inside when your dog is around (unless her parents help her to overcome her fears or remain calm when your dog is around). As I said before, I am scared of dogs, but I don't scream at them. Plenty of older children/teenagers and adults are scared of dogs, but there are not pavements full of screaming people when dogs are around.

Yes, you could move and someone with three boisterous dogs could move in. Similarly, you could move in next door to three under 5s who all have a fear of dogs, so three screamers to deal with until they either grow out of their fear, or grow into different ways of dealing with it. Or you could have a different set of issues with your new neighbours that puts the screaming into perspective.