To not want any more house guests, ever.

[carlywurly]

That really. We are lucky to live in a popular holiday area, not far from the beach. As property is great value, we've got a bigger house than where we lived before. Every school holiday I'm inundated by requests to visit from family, friends and former colleagues and have always said yes to everyone to the extent that we had people staying for 10 weeks of last year.

This year I've just had enough. The constant mess, noise and expense has left me knackered. People turn up with a bottle of wine and expect full board for a week. They head off home leaving the house full of sand and endless loads of washing behind them. The "we'll just use you as a base" crowd drive me mad as do the ones who expect every day to be planned out for them. And don't get Me started on the ones who don't contact us at any other time except the run up to summer.

I love seeing people but can't do this anymore. I've had 3 requests for oct half term. Aibu just to say no? What do others do? Sorry for ranting, am cranky and tired

I don't understand why you need to lie or give excuses.

Just say the truth, you have had too many house guests over the last year and you have found it very difficult, so you are having a break from house guests. You would love to catch up for a meal/cup of tea out somewhere though.

I am not the most assertive person but even I could manage saying that, and its just saying the truth!

I don't know. IME otherwise normal people cdm suddenly be weird house guests. I agree if you've hosted people regularly you are more insightful re how to behave at others houses....

Just say no?

FreeWee you sound like lovely guests, we also do things like that if we stay with my parents in France in the summer. Some guests just don't though, my very wealthy brother for example sits about, never offers to pay for anything, eats them out of house and home etc. They say nothing to him and just moan to us about it. It is ODD that some people take advantage like that.

I have stayed with close friends for a night or two but tend to help cook/clean/entertain all kids and also make drinks/bring gifts. I would hate to be a burden to anyone and helping out means being able to chat with host lots more. It's nice to do things together.

Just say you find having tons of guests too expensive and too exhausting so are laying low

I wouldn't bother accommodating anyone who is not there to see you, why put yourself out for someone looking for a free bed and breakfast? Limit guests to those you want (and who would be visiting if you lived in a shithole because it is you they are travelling for) and to times that suit you.

For all the users, 'that doesn't suit me', end of.

I sometimes feel like this too. DH is much more social and enjoys it (and does at least half the cooking/cleaning work). So I guess to a certain degree that makes me stuck with it.

If your DH is the same as mine, you could try compromising about the number of guests, who they are and the length of time to stay (i.e. he has to compromise too!). If your DH is on the same page as you, you MUST figure out a way to say no that works for you. It's all very well suggesting you ask for money and what not, but the fact is you don't want them there, money or not. You don't want to look back in 10 years and realise you spent a decade grumpily entertaining freeloaders.

Once FIL asked me "is my room ready", from the sofa. No, it's not a bloody hotel... I laughed at that one!!

These stories are all dreadful. I am amazed at peoples rudeness but I Really don't understand why you all put up with it.

If someone is a bad guest then don't let them stay again unless you put in some rules.

If you do let them stay knowing what they are like then it's your own fault. No point moaning or getting stressed if your not going to do something about it.

We did put our foot (feet?) down after we realised we had had visitors for 10 consecutive weekends, and just told any enquirers "Sorry, we've had so many visitors recently that we're calling a halt to it for the foreseeable future."

What makes a good visitor? People who don't expect a full hotel service, people who are prepared to muck in, if they are staying for more than a long weekend, to clean up in the bathroom when they've finished, to cook a meal, or to pay their way when we go out, who will buy a few bottles of wine if they have been drinking ours (and of similar quality - not drinking a St Emilion Grand Cru and replacing it with a plastic bottle of vin de table.) People who are happy to entertain themselves, and not expect us to come with them all the time.

Oh and our parasite guests never seem to go out. So they pay to spend a long weekend in our apartment. Why not just stay home?

I would also add to my list, if you pull someone in the pub, please don't assume that you can bring the man back to ours for a night of unbridled and noisy sex on our sofa bed.

MrsS

My perfect guests:

1. (Most important) Don't overstay their welcome - three days is ideal
2. Were actually invited
3. Lend a hand, and don't expect to be waited on hand and foot even for drinks - get your own, it's fine
4. Go out on their own sometimes and don't hang around the house waiting to be entertained
5. If they need to do laundry, do their own washing from start to finish, and don't leave it for me
6. Buy us dinner/a takeaway/cook once, just out of politeness
7. Ask me whether I want them to strip the beds - often I would rather they were just made neatly, so that I can change them in my own time
8. Don't complain about things; I can't change the weather/local transport options/the language here.

MrsS!! Seriously?

My SIL had a guest once who went to "help" with the weekly supermarket shop, casually chucking whatever she fancied into the trolley, along with magazines and even a bottle of vodka. Then stood back at the checkout while my SIL (who's quite mild mannered) paid for the lot. Long story short, after a week of free-loading she accompanied DB and DSIL to a party, got steaming drunk, insulted the host and spent the night in A&E. She was given half an hour to pack her bags and get the fuck out upon her return.

I fell out with a friend in another country over this last year. Over the past 20 years we have stayed at each others' places now and then, and I always did what I could to spoil her when she visited me.

In return I was always very domesticated and did what I could to help with her kids too (she was invariably frazzled). This included help with washing, cooking, dishwasher and general tidying, as well as educational counselling and being the guardian for one of her kids when he spent a couple of terms at an English boarding school. She also had my DS1 for a week once (I offered to host her DS in return but he didn't want to travel without his mum). It was just always lovely to see her in the early days. She called me my children's 'unofficial aunt'. We watched each others' kids grow up (we both have four of them). She said I and my family were always welcome at hers (they have a little guest cottage in the garden of their town house, which was nice because we felt she still had her own space when we visited, helpful I think when there are multiple kids in each household).

Recently she acquired a country pile about 2 hours away from her normal house, and I noticed we were never invited to that for so much as a cup of tea, even when once we worked out we probably were staying in a hotel right by her new place (we don't have the address of the country pile, which probably says something). She started decamping off there with increasing frequency, and each summer I would ring her and say we were going to be in town and would she like to go out for a meal/concert/meet up, etc., but she would say she was out of town. Once she said to come over to her town house and there was a desultory sausage or two served in the back garden, her husband hardly spoke to us, she was frazzled and shouty with her kids, and the to and fro of a normal friendship was just not be there any more. But then she would write to me and gush and say the thing about being an unofficial aunt and send me pictures of her kids and so on, bang on about how I was always welcome at hers, etc.

Last year I realised we hadn't physically seen each other for a few years since the country pile was acquired, so I rang her and said how would she like it if we shuffled things around at our end (not easy at the time, as it happened) and made arrangements for us plus 3 of the kids to come and spend a long weekend at hers at a convenient time for her, so we could spend some time together and catch up properly, and the kids could hang out together. Babysitting, a meal out and so on were offered by us too. She sounded pleased and I ran dates past her. She said the dates were fine. I asked her if she was sure, she said yes. I booked it and rang her to confirm we were coming. She then said this was absolutely not on and she had meant that we travel over to her country and stay in a hotel and then perhaps come over for the sausage-in-the-garden ritual one afternoon if they happened to be in. She had clearly missed the point that the entire trip was being planned around seeing her and her family and everyone catching up, as she had not made any effort to do so over recent years (despite the gushing letters). She was so ungracious and rude about it, making me feel I was taking advantage when that was never the case, we actually abandoned plans to see her, booked a hotel in another area, travelled over there anyway and spent time with an old schoolfriend instead. (This actually played out on MN at the time while we decided what to do with the flights). I haven't spoken to her since.

I did send her a Christmas card as I didn't want to be childish, and got no response. This summer I was in the area and heard from a mutual friend that she had actually slagged me off in some way to them. I was very dignified about it but I am shocked and cross she would do that. I think she has turned into a crap friend. It is probably because I soldiered on with a PhD and career and wrote books and so on, while she gave up work and stayed home, and I imagine she probably has the hump in some way, I imagine, even if she doesn't realise it herself. Another theory is that her husband has gone a bit snobbish and thinks we are not professionally or socially useful enough to him to bother speaking to us. But how ridiculous to treat an old friend like that, and never bother to sort it out or discuss it. I am still hurt. (Sorry for long post).

Think her husband went snotty, Boffin. I wouldn't bother sending her a Christmas card this year because she's not worth it.

We bring pillows and bedding when we are invited to stay at peoples' houses - usually overnight. We bought some cheapo sleeping bags at Tesco and do the job.

I usually like having guests over but we also tend to be a bit more straightforward with them now, based on previous experiences.

For example: when they come in the door with all their stuff, we "help" them carry it all through to their room and make it clear that all their stuff should be kept in there, not in the lounge/hallway/bathroom.
I always cook dinner on the first night, but on the second day I'll say "so what shall we do for lunch/dinner?" and divvy up the tasks.
When they do the dishes and leave it all to dry "we don't know where everything goes" I explain where everything goes (it takes 30 seconds, there are not that many cupboards)
If they are staying for more than 2 days then we take the opportunity to ask them to babysit one evening so we can go out, and we return the favour another night.

We also live in a holiday destination and suddenly become very popular during the holiday season. After 10 years of it, I've learnt to say no.

We've had people email lists of special dietary requirements, to tell me that bedding and towels needed to be washed in a particular washing powder as they were allergic to everything else, one expected me to book and pay for their transport. One lot helped themselves to my kids' surf and body boards, wetsuits and life jackets without asking and returned one of the body boards broken, wetsuits and life jackets dumped in a soggy sandy heap, another took DH's kayak out of the garage and left it coated with sand and full of water

I actually prefer the "we'll use you as a base" crowd as they don't expect me to act as a tour guide. My kids just want to hit the beach with their mates, not visit every tourist attraction within 50 miles, for the 100th time with visitors they haven't seen from one year to the next.

Visitors seem to forget that I'm not actually on holiday. I can't afford to do all this stuff all the time. I don't want to waste £20 dragging us all round the local castle, we've been about 200 times already. I don't want to keep going out for fish and chips, I'm already totally chip-ed out.

Now, it's only close family and certain non-liberty taking friends that we welcome. For everyone else, there's a lovely B&B down the road, and we meet up for a drink

Freddie really?! I'm at We've had people email lists of special dietary requirements, to tell me that bedding and towels needed to be washed in a particular washing powder as they were allergic to everything else, one expected me to book and pay for their transport

Book your own transport, bring your own sheets, or book yourself into a bloody hotel!

Princess I've grown a back bone now and they get told precisely that.

11 years ago when we first moved here and still settling in, we were just pleased that friends and family wanted to visit us and said yes to every request

Now, it's strictly invite only

YANBU. We live in a holiday location too and used to get swamped. I just ended up telling 80% of them we were already booked for whatever week they wanted.

Did the trick.

Another one here who used to live abroad by the sea.

Loved seeing friends but it was always at least a week due to distance, and because they were on holiday it was easily forgotten that it's our daily life, with school runs, supermarkets and oh yes, work.

Aside from the expense. Which was astronomical at times.

We lived close to an airport which of course meant airport pickups including at weird times.

Did I mention work?

I am shocked at the tales on here! It is amazing how so many people take the piss!

I was invited to stay at my friends house in Oz for 10 days. They were working in the day so I would sort myself out. I did all their ironing and cleaned the house each day and then in the evening we would go for a meal in a restaurant and paid for them both. It was the least I could do given that I was having free accommodation!

We also have had a houseful all summer we are in a holiday hot spot, often one lot arriving before another has left,

but the difference is none of the guests have treated it as a hotel,

they all know it is a busy working time for us, so I always explain I cannot take on any extra effort,

advice would be,

when arranging a visit, be extremely clear you will be busy with work, be clear that you will not be standing on ceremony, it would be lovely to share a meal in the evening, if they want to cook feel free, but clean up afterwards, we do cook for everyone but only if I arrange it in advance, no waiting around for people to turn up.

I go to the beach a lot (surf and kayak), if they want to join me great, if they want to take the children when I am busy great,

if you have been to the beach you come in the back way and all the sand must be rinsed off before you come in, wet suits live outside,

Empty the dishwasher, empty the washing machine clean filters, and sort out your own beds leave ready for the next lot, and use the dyson a lot, and put your children to bed at the same time as I put mine to bed or before. And buy food and wine. If you see something that needs doing do it. thanks.

I am strict, but everyone gets it, they know they are welcome any time as long as they put in effort so I don't have to.

we have had at least two groups at anyone time since the before the children broke up,

I have a summer house with two rooms, a shower and a loo, it has internet, and two caravans at the bottom of the garden, yurts, bell tents and pop up tents have been up and down(we have a small garden)

everyone keeps coming back, so no one minds.

Lots of great advice, thanks. Am going to do my best to follow it.

I think what most guests don't realise is even as they arrive you've already slogged to clean up, make beds, change towels and get an expensive load of shopping in while working at the same time. Come the weekend, you're spending your free time dealing with guests and are then back to work straight after they leave with the clearing up to do in the evenings and an empty fridge.

I'm not usually a martyr, honest. I just don't think I'd ever given the expense and effort of it this much thought until it's nearly written me off