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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want any more house guests, ever.

191 replies

carlywurly · 01/09/2013 15:53

That really. We are lucky to live in a popular holiday area, not far from the beach. As property is great value, we've got a bigger house than where we lived before. Every school holiday I'm inundated by requests to visit from family, friends and former colleagues and have always said yes to everyone to the extent that we had people staying for 10 weeks of last year.

This year I've just had enough. The constant mess, noise and expense has left me knackered. People turn up with a bottle of wine and expect full board for a week. They head off home leaving the house full of sand and endless loads of washing behind them. The "we'll just use you as a base" crowd drive me mad as do the ones who expect every day to be planned out for them. And don't get Me started on the ones who don't contact us at any other time except the run up to summer.

I love seeing people but can't do this anymore. I've had 3 requests for oct half term. Aibu just to say no? What do others do? Sorry for ranting, am cranky and tired Confused

OP posts:
CruCru · 01/09/2013 17:40

One option (won't work for people using you as a base or if you are working) is to book your kids lessons (something they enjoy) for the first few mornings of the visit. Skiing, sailing, riding, football etc. others can join in if they wish but it's clear from the outset that your focus isn't on them the whole time.

Original poster
carlywurly · 01/09/2013 17:42

Ruprekt, you sound a dream guest. Everyone was a winner in that arrangement.

And I don't think I have a rogue batch of friends, I'm very happy with them in the main. Family aren't so easy to manage though Smile

OP posts:
Gossipmonster · 01/09/2013 17:53

This happens to us also we had BIL, SIL and their 2 children for 2 weeks this summer during term time.

It's exactly that - they are on holiday but it is your life.

They were shockingly messy and it was too long - and don't get me started on the two showers a day and then a clean fucking beach towel every day!!!

HormonalHousewife · 01/09/2013 17:55

We have a similar predicament, just watch out your fibs don't come back and bite you on the bum !

After getting inundated by friends and family for 'free' accommodation we were asked by sil if they could come and visit us for new year. We told a porky and said we were hopefully going skiing.

'oh good' was the reply ' can we stay at yours anyway, it will be so much easier for us if you are not there ?'

Once I had picked my chin up off the floor I had to say well actually we are not now going away we just wanted some family time by ourselves.

Original poster
carlywurly · 01/09/2013 18:08

Ooh I've forgotten to mention the ones who sulk and somehow hold you responsible if the weather is a) bad or b) worse than in their hometown.
My mum is a shocker for this. I'm tense every time the bloody forecast is on.

OP posts:
chebella · 01/09/2013 18:24

Carly et la thank God I found this! I recently felt I was being very unreasonable after my dh's defensiveness following my complaint that his friends & their kids had left for the next phase of their 'grande tour' after crashing ( unexpectedly but really they were welcome) at ours, letting us pick up the tab for drinks, ice cream etc when out then - the icing on the cake for me, nursing a 4week old with another small child to wrangle - having eaten all our food/drank all the milk, they asked me to watch the kids while they popped to the supermarket; great, I thought, I'm sure they will grab a few essentials to replace the odd bits ( the woman in the party even mentioned over breakfast replacing cereal for us, noticing that her kids were polishing off the last of it while we went without) - oh no! Not a sausage, metaphorical or otherwise! And I thought it was basic good manners to at least pick up one bottle of wine to say thanks? Nothing! Just made themselves sarnies - leaving crumbs everywhere - and fucked off leaving me on the sofa pinned by the baby with a 5year old baying for lunch! A stand out line for me was, "we need another bowl" - over breakfast - to which I could only reply, "well, wash one!". God I feel really cross again just thinking about it! I think we're meant to be grateful for the visit (which we are) but why take the piss? It leaves a really hollow feeling.

chebella · 01/09/2013 18:25

Crikey - that's a rant! Sorry - am hormonal but that's cathartic!

Original poster
carlywurly · 01/09/2013 18:27

Grin Rant away. I feel better for it too.

I don't know what happens to usually lovely people's manners when they arrive at people's homes. It beggars belief.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/09/2013 18:33

I don't get it (admittedly I don't live in a holiday destination), but no-one would be staying at my house unless I specifically invited them.

Don't lie, don't make excuses, just say that you're much too busy (true) and it's not convenient.

Or just say No.

chebella · 01/09/2013 18:34

I'm so glad it's not just me who feels like this? Do people just not think? I honestly thought there was a broadly understood etiquette for this sort of thing..evidently not!

chebella · 01/09/2013 18:38

And Carly we used to live in Cornwall and that 'disappointed' in 'your' weather vibe really pissed me off!

Now we live abroad and the fecking weather is 'too hot' - what, in august? No shit Sherlock! I am aware how bitter I sound but years of this wears you down!

Mollywashup · 01/09/2013 18:39

I am gobsmacked at the absolute cheek of some people, but must say highly amusing stories

chebella · 01/09/2013 18:39

I have done nanny but genuinely I am generally welcoming - it's just the ones who ta

chebella · 01/09/2013 18:40

Sorry - breastfeeding! - as I was saying, it's the piss-takers I can't stand - and how do you know until they stay?

AndHarry · 01/09/2013 18:41

YANBU. Go through the list of people who stayed this year. Cross off any who were ill-mannered or hard work. Cross of any you didn't actually want to see. Add your mother back on. Assign time-limits to the remaining guests e.g nice friend one week, PITA mother long weekend... Look at the calendar and pick out weeks over the summer that will be guest-free.

SixPack cancel melon man's long weekend! Or if you're not up to that, put itching powder in their sheets in the first night and then say something like "Oh yes, we have bedbugs but no one in our family are allergic to their bites so we're going to wait until pest control prices go down in the winter." They will leave and never return.

Gossipmonster · 01/09/2013 18:41

I have some friends who live nr London in a very large house. I think they are sick of it too as whenever we go up for a weekend (to see/spend time WITH them) we have to even take our own bedding!!!

steppemum · 01/09/2013 18:42

our family have a holiday house, and we all use it, and often overlap. Added to which, we sometimes invite people to join us.

Although we love it and love having family and friends to be with, it is hard work living with others. We are always up front about splitting food costs etc, and I happily tell all the kids (mine or otherwise) to clear table, pack dishwasher etc, but it is hard.

I would hate it if it was guests in my home all the time.

Goodwordguide · 01/09/2013 18:46

I did get better at saying no but some people just don't take no for an answer - in particular my younger friends with the more studenty lifestyle, the aussies and kiwis etc, just couldn't see the problem with dossing on the sofa, turning up with whichever random friend they'd invited along for the 'free' holiday. (Though the 'friends' who invited themselves to stay when I was 37 weeks pregnant were deeply embarrassed when I gave birth early - they moved into a B&B very quickly...)

The first flat we rented was enormous with two spare bedrooms, three bathrooms etc. after 2.5 years of non-stop guests, we moved to a tiny one-bed flat Wink

Original poster
carlywurly · 01/09/2013 18:47

Believe me, when you've washed and re made loads of beds it turns into the biggest ball ache imaginable. I hate doing my own sheets, let alone other people's.

My friend had a family to stay last week. One of their dcs soiled his wetsuit while out on the beach. The mum decided the best place for such an item would be to put it in the bathroom sink once everyone was in bed. Not outside nor in a bucket or sealed bag. Apparently the stench the next morning was eye watering.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 01/09/2013 18:55

I wonder if my parasite guests have burning ears! I've just had a text saying "Are you back in London yet, we want to come and stay and go to the theatre, let me know when you're back." Grin

I am ignoring it. Oh yes. I have let people stay in my central London apartment when I haven't been there, and have had the washing machine broken (door handle snapped off, they denied all knowledge of it), the rubbish left in the bin to fester for several weeks and all of the tea and coffee used and not replaced, and all of the loo paper, washing up liquid and soap powder used and not replaced either. I discovered the lack of loo paper when I rushed in from the airport with a dodgy tummy...

I have also had the "that's OK if you're not going to be there, we'd prefer to stay there on our own anyway".

Oddsocksrus · 01/09/2013 19:05

Nobody has come to stay this summer it has been bloody brilliant. We have been to stay with one friend for 2 nights and that has been it.
I think that we have hit the magic combination of being busy and ensuring that everyone knows it and brutally direct statements about washing, cooking, tidying up etc
We are SE and have been a staging post for friends heading off to France/returning.. Many late arrivals and early departures, 'helping with the washing', colds, flu, bugs left as hospitality gifts.

Be less available, or agree to just a single night

You work, not on holiday be brave go on tell them!

chebella · 01/09/2013 19:12

I think there is enough here to constitute a need for a union of sorts. Too tired to think of a snappy title but we could band together and prevent piss taking across the world!

It is annoying as good guests are a pleasure - I guess some people haven't been educated in the art of being a good visitor ( I don't really believe this sadly, I just think manners disappear sometimes - must be part of the i'm-on-holiday-so-have-checked-my-brain-in-at-the-departure-desk mentality which means normally sane types end up jumping off balconies into pools etc!)

EndoplasmicReticulum · 01/09/2013 19:22

I don't understand how people think this is OK, to arrive at someone's house and expect to be provided with all meals, washing, waited on hand and foot.

The "friends of friends" thing is odd too. MIL is often inviting us to stay with BIL in London, I think she does with her friends too. BIL on the other hand may not be so keen, so we have not taken her up on "her" kind offer so far.

We go to stay with in-laws for two or three weeks per year, but always cook at least half the meals and leave the place cleaner than we found it (admit this is not difficult...)

My mum used to have a stream of guests, she would spend ages washing bedding, preparing delicious home-cooked meals and organising interesting outings for everyone. She even had some friends who would spend 6 weeks a year there when they had to be out of their caravan where they lived most of the time. I think the first year she may have invited them, but the subsequent three she didn't.

She solved the problem by moving to a tiny cottage where the only spare room has a single bed in it.

forehead · 01/09/2013 19:23

I simply refuse to have guest at my home.
One of dh's relatives arrived from Spain a few years ago with her three dc's and her sister's two dc's.
She would not clean up, cook etc and was unable to discipline any of the children. She then had the cheek to ask my dh to give her money.
I told dh if he ever allowed visitors to stay in our house again i would divorce him

Blueandwhitelover · 01/09/2013 19:35

Shona Sibary wrote an article like this in the DM a few weeks ago. You do sound like you have had a stressful summer!