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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I love my children too much to work full time..

402 replies

LostMarbles99 · 31/08/2013 20:31

AIBU to be royally pissed off at the person who said this to me today?

Am just back at work 2 weeks after birth of first baby who is now 7 months. 'Friend' was adamant that I must regret it and then proceeded to say that she loves her children too much to be working full time.

Yeah because I hate my child and can't wait to get away from him Hmm

I'm working full time as I'm the main earner and we need the money.

Why are people so insensitive?

What do you say?

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2013 20:20

Portofino

I believe that everybody does have a choice, moreover that the choices exist. So to hear people say I have no choice strikes me as feeble whether a work issue or something far less important.
I'm not suggesting everybody lives off benefit and doesn't work, or swops a home for a van. But these choices along with many other combinations of possible lifestyles are there whether some people can see this or not.

LittleRayOf · 01/09/2013 20:21

I dont feel angry when I read/hear something like this.
I go barf [gestures fingers down throat]

Your friend sounds like an immature teen trying to make her relationship sound more grown up "I love Dave so much I cant stand to be away from him"

Only your friend will know if she meant to hurt you by saying what she did.

Is it possible that she is hugely embarrassed by what she said, and is at home right now making you an apology cake?

baddriver · 01/09/2013 20:37

He11y i think you have made some very good points. You sound like a confident, assertive person who wouldn't feel hurt by a remark that many of us would be. I have to admit that I would feel hurt by the remark made to the OP but I would like to be more robust, like you, and have a sensible conversation.

yellowballoons · 01/09/2013 20:41

Yes there are choices.
May be bad choices, but there are choices. Hardly anybody may take the choice, but it does exist.

I seem to end up saying that to people in rl quite a lot.
They say "well I dont have a choice". But yes they do. They may not like the alternatives, but they still have a choice.

People do live in vans, caravans etc, but dont claim benefits.

Now realised I have said vitually the same as morerthan. Who did make choices that others baulk at.

Agree that this is a side issue.

yellowballoons · 01/09/2013 20:44

There is a bit of a middle road.
Some people, and only some people, could downsize if they wanted to and say work part time instead of full time.

parasaurolophus · 01/09/2013 20:45

I remember people like this when our kids were babies. Ten years later those people are still around and are total bores, and their kids are not way better off then my kids. All the kids are great.

yellowballoons · 01/09/2013 20:45

Not saying they should, or even that it is the best thing to do.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2013 20:47

Yellow

I'm glad that some people can see it, although I'm not sure which of my unconventional choices you are referring to. Grin

I did say up thread though that that person was no friend of the OP, and what a horrible and nasty thing to say.
What you decide to do in life really doesn't have any bearing on how much you love your dc, that's ridiculous.

Mumsyblouse · 01/09/2013 20:48

If someone said that to me, I wouldn't be upset, I would find it very funny. I love my job so no-one could guilt me into feeling bad about not loving my children, anymore than they could guilt my husband into feeling bad for working full-time and so not loving his children either.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 20:50

Yes but all this discussion is a bit of a side issue, because the central point is that if you genuinely have respect for the fact that people don't all have to behave in the same way, you don't make comments like the nasty one made to the OP. Or condone such comments, or brush them off as being a 'bit off' as someone on here tried to. Whether the OP was personally hurt or not, it is an incredibly nasty and ignorant comment to make. Are people really suggesting that its acceptable to make such comments providing the recipent can 'man up' , 'take it on the chin ' etc? How about people just learn some basic manners? Is it really that hard to keep your trap shut? I mean, this was a woman talking to another mother who had been back at work just two weeks. What sort of person feels is necessary to try to tell them they will regret what they're doing and imply they wouldn't do it if they loved their children enough? Hmm

yellowballoons · 01/09/2013 20:51

Your furniture and saving for your house I have forgotten your others! Grin

yellowballoons · 01/09/2013 20:53

I agree janey68

PaperSeagull · 01/09/2013 20:54

It's foolish to suggest that everyone has the same choices. Of course they don't. A single parent with no qualifications does not have the same options as a married parent whose partner earns a high salary. And does anyone really believe that choosing homelessness is a valid option? I suppose you could spend time with your child that way, but I can't quite see it as a great choice for anyone involved (least of all the child). As I wrote above, I'm also dubious about how free our so-called "choices" actually are.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2013 20:54

yellow

The beginning of our married life, yes it was tough, but no regrets.

Portofino · 01/09/2013 21:05

From what I can see, your choice as a SAHP, unless independently wealthy, is to depend on either your partner, or the State. Some people are more comfortable with those "choices" than others. Some people don't get to choose at all.

yellowballoons · 01/09/2013 21:07

Choosing to live in a van isnt classed as homelessness is it?
And I would be very surprised if choosing to live in a caravan is.

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/09/2013 21:07

If every mum gave up work and relied on benefits we would have no benefit system. Too many already choose not to work and claim full benefits or tax credits so that one of the two can stay home.

Choosing to quit work and live in a van with hardly any income is not a choice, its mad for many reasons.

yellowballoons · 01/09/2013 21:08

Agreed Portofino.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2013 21:20

Happy

There are just as many families with both parents working receiving tax credits as there are one parent working, it is means tested. If 2 are only earning the equivalent of one wage because they are pt, there is no difference between 1 working ft and a sahp, surely.

Choosing to quit work and live in a van was the best decision my friend ever made according to her. Again, not a choice I would take, but it suits her family.

No living in a van, caravan etc doesn't make you homeless.

Yes janey I agree, it was a needless horrible thing to say.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 21:55

I think the root of the issue is also that some people can't get their heads around the fact that people who do things differently, are doing so with just as much care, thought and insight.

If a woman tells me that she is giving up work to be a SAHM, my assumption would be that she and her partner have considered all angles, whether they can live on one wage, both partners being equally happy with the division of labour, pension and future employment having been considered etc
It strikes me as extreme arrogance to assume that while I have made decisions about what's right for my family, other people don't do so for theirs

By the same token, we considered the various angles when making our decisions. if my babies had been extremely clingy, anxious or unsettled in childcare, We would of course have had to have a Plan B (or C or D etc...)
IME parents know their own circumstances and children better than anyone else and it's the height of arrogance to assume that they haven't taken reasoned and insightful decisions, within the range of options open to them.

Thisisaeuphemism · 01/09/2013 22:01

It's a massive insult and can't possibly be taken in any other way.

She would be no friend of mine after that.

fancyanother · 01/09/2013 22:30

I was watching one of those horrible recent spate of programmes about people on benefits where a young unemployed man said to a woking mother 'I wouldn't go out to work if my child wanted me to stay at home!!' In my mind, he was saying the same thing as OP's 'friend.' His choice to stay at home and anyone else who 'chooses' to live on benefits (as opposed to having to be on benefits due to circumstances) are relying on others making different choices. If they didn't make their choice to work, they couldn't make their choice not to work. As we are now seeing, the sums just don't add up.

And I agree with Trills What if you really like your job, and also want children, who you love? Maybe more people should say that they like working outside the home, and would still do it, even if they had the choice to stay at home. It is a valid choice and people shouldn't be made to feel like terrible parents for making it!

jessieagain · 01/09/2013 22:45

This is interesting.

I know people like the friend in the op.

They genuninely believe what they say and I don't believe the say it to hurt others who are working mothers.

Insensitive yes, but I don't think they are necessarily being mean. They just lack empathy and experience.

Same with the comment 'then they shouldn't have have had children then'.

EldritchCleavage · 01/09/2013 22:48

OP-one of the most valuable pieces of advice I ever got, from a colleague with children, said to me just before I went on my first maternity leave:
"Just remember, some of the worst things people will say to you as a parent will be said because they are desperately justifying their own choices."

Trills · 01/09/2013 22:59

I think the root of the issue is also that some people can't get their heads around the fact that people who do things differently, are doing so with just as much care, thought and insight.

This is a very good point.

So many people seem to think that there is their way and the wrong way.

One of the things that I love about MN is the opportunity it gives to see different people making different choices. It even shows you people doing things differently where you weren't aware that you were making a choice at all, because you were't aware that there was more than one way to do it!

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