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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I love my children too much to work full time..

402 replies

LostMarbles99 · 31/08/2013 20:31

AIBU to be royally pissed off at the person who said this to me today?

Am just back at work 2 weeks after birth of first baby who is now 7 months. 'Friend' was adamant that I must regret it and then proceeded to say that she loves her children too much to be working full time.

Yeah because I hate my child and can't wait to get away from him

I'm working full time as I'm the main earner and we need the money.

Why are people so insensitive?

What do you say?

OP posts:

janey68 · 01/09/2013 14:52

' a bit off' ?!! To suggest that another parent doesn't love their children as much??

God, I'd hate to see what verbal knee jerks you use He11y if you want to be really nasty, if you judge that comment as a 'bit off'

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 14:55

As parents, we love our children more than life itself and our entire existence is bound up with nurturing and protecting them once we become parents.

To suggest that another parent doesn't love their children as much as you love yours, strikes at the very core of parenting.

How sad that anyone could genuinely think that to make such a comment is merely 'a bit off'.

JakeBullet · 01/09/2013 15:10

YANBU...what a horrible thing to say. I have done the "working full time" thi g with a new baby. It's awful but the reality is that my salary paid the mortgage while SH covered other bills....we simply could not have afforded for me to stay at home. It doesn't in the least affect how much I loved my son, I would have LOVED to stay home with him but just couldn't afford to.

Now he is 10 and I am a SAHM for the moment due to his needs.....not because "I love him too much", in fact if he could cope then I would be back in work like a shot.

SPBisResisting · 01/09/2013 15:20

"He11y Sun 01-Sep-13 14:46:50

SPBisResisting - another friend said it sounds fab... but how do you get WiFi? grin"

PMSL! I bet the vegetables they eat come all covered in dirt too

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/09/2013 15:28

How can living in a van or being on benefits ever be better for a child then their parent working for a few hours a day?

I cant imagine any child saying they were happy to have no space, no bedroom, no where to bring a friend around etc as mum didnt fancy going to work. Likewise choosing to live on benefits, outcomes for children raised on benefits are much poorer than those not so why would anybody choose that for their child?

Being a SAHP is not the best thing you can do for a child, most wont even remember the pre school years and when a child is in school theres at least 30 hours to work in. Being a good parent means meeting their emotional and financial needs, ensuring their happiness and protecting their health as much as is possible through a decent living environment and diet.

Some mums want to work, others have no choice. A SAHP will either be reliant on another adult or the state, neither are a long term solution as marriages can fail and the state can pull support anytime.

He11y · 01/09/2013 15:39

If you are really interested in knowing HappyMummyofOne the just read back through my posts - it's all there.

yellowballoons · 01/09/2013 15:44

Marriages dont always fail.
And if a person or family goes from renting to living in a caravan or van for a few years, then yes they can get more time with their young children.

Doable.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 15:46

Happymummy- the whole thing about the woman in the van is a bit peripheral actually (and besides it turned out she is a working parent anyway)
The key point of the thread is that the OPs supposed 'friend' told her she would regret working full time, and also said she loved her own children too much to do that.

Most people have acknowledged that this is a vicious thing to say. That's a succinct summary!

janey68 · 01/09/2013 15:47

Yes yellowballoons- doable, but it is not a measure of loving their children more. It's really that simple

He11y · 01/09/2013 15:53

Nobody said it was janey.

He11y · 01/09/2013 15:55

I think the problem here is not so much others judging working parents but them judging themselves and projecting it onto others.

KarmaBiatch · 01/09/2013 15:56

some people are like clouds, and when they fuck off its a beautiful day.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 15:58

love it karmabiatch

He11y · 01/09/2013 16:21

Whatever way you look at it and whatever choice you make, it is a choice.

We live in a free country and we decide how we will manage our lives.

I completely respect that people choose to work, stay at home or a bit of both and each and every one of them makes that choice in good faith.

What I don't agree with is the idea people only work because they have no choice. That is, frankly, rubbish. They do have choices - it's just none of them is perfect.

So here is an idea: respect each other for doing what we feel is best and if someone does say something we don't like, address it and move on. Nobody needs to justify their decision and nobody should feel bad about saying that is what they chose.

Whether we work or not has no bearing on how much we love our children - it is more about how we want parent and there is no right or wrong answer.

Some may think it better to come onto the internet and use foul language but hey, it takes all sorts!

Doobydoo · 01/09/2013 16:24

Have never given a damn what anyone thinks about the way dp and I work etc....that is the best way.Do what works for you...dependant on your priorities

Venay · 01/09/2013 16:28

The original remark was either very insensitive or incredibly bitchy - however, as the thread has progressed it has been littered with out-raged posters making equally rude comments about SAHPs.

I have to say, I mostly agree with Helly. Most parents in the UK have some element of choice about how much they work and how much time they spent with their family. They might need to take an evening shift to work against a partner. They might need to move to a smaller house, or accept a step down in their career path, but there is usually some element of flexibility.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 16:40

And some of us believe that living in a free country and respecting others doesn't make it acceptable to go around making vicious comments about other parents not loving their children enough.

Even if (in fact especially if) the OP is not happy about returning to work and is planning to downsize to a caravan and home educate her child, these things don't happen overnight- she may have to return to work in the interim to avoid her house being repossessed.
Whatever way you look at it, the comment was vicious and entirely unnecessary. Of course, I can see that it's far easier to ignore the actual facts of the OP ....

janey68 · 01/09/2013 16:42

Venay- as we keep saying, there may be some flexibility for some (not all) people.
But where does the concept that the number of hours a parent works equates to their love for their child?

Everyone who has tried to defend the comment made by the OPs friend has failed to address that core issue.

ZingWantsCake · 01/09/2013 16:44

tbh it is such a ridiculous comment I would have laughed in this person's face.
and I am a SAHM.

OP let me tell you a secret. Sometimes people are insecure about stuff so to make themselves feel better they brag about it.
I fully believe that a lot of these type of things are NOT aimed at the listener but are an attempt to validate the choices or feelings of the speaker.
you know, self-protection of the ego through compensation and all that jazz.

I'd say this person has insecurities about themselves, about being a (good) parent - rather than having a go at you.

so as upsetting it is to hear something like that, try to ignore it.

PaperSeagull · 01/09/2013 16:46

The statements by the OP's friends are utterly absurd. I agree with the poster above who suggested that the best response was just to laugh at such silliness.

I love my career and would never in a million years want to stop working. My independence (financial and otherwise) is extremely important to me. I can't imagine giving up my career to go live in a van down by the river.

ZingWantsCake · 01/09/2013 16:49

janey precisely.

anyway, if that comment is true I definitely need a medal and DH probably needs some body part chopped of as punishment for not loving his kids enough.
you know, what with having a FT job and working long hours to pay for everything

ZingWantsCake · 01/09/2013 16:51

paper seagull

another good one is holding up your three fingers (index, middle and ring) and say: "Read between the lines!"

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2013 17:03

Helly

Your last post sums it up quite nicely imo, its a question of choice.
There is no right or wrong answer and people should be free to do what suits their family best, it may be who, it may be wah or sah, or it could be a mix of each. Wtf does it matter if it suits your family.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 17:06

We all agreed on that pages ago morethan. The issue is actually about showing respect for that choice by not suggesting that a parent who does something differently doesn't love their children as much.

I don't think insults get much lower than that, do you?

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