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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I love my children too much to work full time..

402 replies

LostMarbles99 · 31/08/2013 20:31

AIBU to be royally pissed off at the person who said this to me today?

Am just back at work 2 weeks after birth of first baby who is now 7 months. 'Friend' was adamant that I must regret it and then proceeded to say that she loves her children too much to be working full time.

Yeah because I hate my child and can't wait to get away from him Hmm

I'm working full time as I'm the main earner and we need the money.

Why are people so insensitive?

What do you say?

OP posts:
He11y · 01/09/2013 13:41

Her daughter is fully engaged with the decision, janey.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 13:43

... But even so I would never be ignorant enough to suggest that someone with this lifestyle doesn't love their child as much as someone who lives in a house

That's what it all comes back to.

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:44

I have friends from the 70s and 80s and 90s and 00s who got themselves up and off to school and then went home to empty houses every day because their parents chose to work janey.

They hated it and would have loved an alternative upbringing.

Grass is always greener...

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 13:44

agreed.

i'm just laughing at the idea that we all have other choices. i wonder how many single mum's in vans the festival circuit and generous landowners could sustain?

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 13:45

those bad parents 'choosing' to work, fucking selfish bastards wanting to actually be able to buy food and clothe their own offspring.

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:46

I can assure you she is a good mother and her daughter is healthy and happy, swallowedAfly.

For her, it would be cruel to put her daughter back in school and go out to work.

As I've said many times on here - we all do what we need to do to protect our family.

You have your priorities, I have mine and others have their own.

Who are we to judge others?

FreudiansSlipper · 01/09/2013 13:47

well single mothers got very very little help before 1976

it was not a choice you either earned money or you and your children went hungry and without heating

you get far more help now but people are still struggling with rising costs of food and fuel but wages and benefits have not gone up

whiteandyellowiris · 01/09/2013 13:47

wow that is amazling rude

i would simply aviod this idiot

janey68 · 01/09/2013 13:48

So- let me get this straight: the child of this working mum in the van is fully engaged with the mothers decisions and everything is rosy

But somehow, if someone makes a terrible comment to another working mother which implies she loves her children less than she should, we must surmise from that, that the working mother in the second scenario is somehow insecure or unhappy about her situation.

What an odd assumption to make

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:48

Now you are judging a mother's worth swallowedAfly.

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 13:51

is a mother's worth hallowed ground?

i judge people who beat their children, i judge people who neglect or starve their children, i judge people who put their children at risk, i judge myself as a mother frequently - it's quite an important aspect of parenting.

i don't judge people for having to work though. that's just daft given it's a necessary reality for everyone including your friend who will be working.

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 13:52

how old is her daughter by the way? this is clearly quite different a situation than a woman with a 7month old isn't it?

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:54

My friend is used to being questioned about her choice, janey. Heck, I told her I thought she was mad!

But, she has taken the time to do her research and is happy to explain to anyone who questions it.

Would she choose that option if things were different - maybe not. She was placed in a difficult situation and she decided conventional choices were not going to help, so she looked at other ways and has found one.

She could have got all huffy and dropped me as a friend, but she was happy enough with her decision to speak reasonably about it.

If I continued to make derogatory comments then I guess she may have dumped me further down the line and I wouldn't have blamed her!

50shadesofmeh · 01/09/2013 13:54

I'd love to galavant up and down festivals like I did when I was 18 living hand to mouth but let's face it ,its not really a viable option for most people.

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:55

You are defending the OP, swallowedAfly, and yet you are doing what you and others have accused her friend of. That's what I meant.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 13:58

Do you think you love your children more than your friend loves hers then, he11y? Do you even think it?

Because that's what the OP is about. I think it speaks volumes about a person that they could even think that, never mind say it, simply because that person has a different lifestyle.

I tell friends of mine I couldn't be a teacher or a nurse, etc like they are. I might even go so far as to say to a friend who lived in a van, wow, that's a radical decision, what made you come to it?

But to say I love my children too much to do what they are doing? - never

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:58

It isn't, 50shadesofmeh - I completely agree with you.

Her daughter is older, swallowedAfly, but that isn't relevant because I never said that everyone should consider living in a van. Other people have jumped on this and made it about my friend and her extreme choice.

My point was we all have choices and sometimes they aren't the obvious ones.

I don't judge anyone for their choice to work but I do believe it is a choice.

I just don't get why people feel they need to say it isn't a choice.

Portofino · 01/09/2013 14:01

Because sometimes it isn't a fecking choice! That's what you don't seem to be getting.

He11y · 01/09/2013 14:02

I don't think I love my children more, janey, but I did initially think I couldn't do that to my child.

I actually said I'd be too worried about my child to do that.

But it was me trying to imagine myself making that decision and what came out of my mouth was my initial thoughts about it.

I wasn't judging my friend at that point - I was simply thinking, 'WTF, I could never do that to my child!'

He11y · 01/09/2013 14:03

I asked what circumstances would mean it wasn't a choice and the reply was all unforeseen issues that are covered by our welfare state.

So it is a choice.

50shadesofmeh · 01/09/2013 14:03

Because it really is t Helly , may that be because of bad decisions in the past or mental health problems or plain and simple the logistics of being a low earner.
I guess if I could go back in time to when we first got on the property ladder before kids I should have perhaps not taken on so much but hey.

ZingWantsCake · 01/09/2013 14:04

blimey

Portofino · 01/09/2013 14:04

When dd was born, I was the main wage earner and Dh was on a temporary contract. We could not have lived on his wages. End of. The mortgage still had to be paid. And it was a small mortgage on a small house. It would have been stupid for me to drop everything I had worked for up til that point. Every day on here there is someone bemoaning their struggle to get back into the work place and many more who struggle to make ends meet.

He11y · 01/09/2013 14:05

I know the choice is limited for many of us 50shadesofmeh but it is a choice - sorry but it is.

Portofino · 01/09/2013 14:06

Um, so in my case I should have given up a well paid career and gone on benefits?