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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I love my children too much to work full time..

402 replies

LostMarbles99 · 31/08/2013 20:31

AIBU to be royally pissed off at the person who said this to me today?

Am just back at work 2 weeks after birth of first baby who is now 7 months. 'Friend' was adamant that I must regret it and then proceeded to say that she loves her children too much to be working full time.

Yeah because I hate my child and can't wait to get away from him Hmm

I'm working full time as I'm the main earner and we need the money.

Why are people so insensitive?

What do you say?

OP posts:
PaperSeagull · 01/09/2013 17:12

BTW, I'm not for a minute suggesting that everyone should do exactly what I do (probably obvious, but I'll mention it anyway!). I'm not entirely convinced that our choices are as free as we would like to believe, given the current structures of societies/economies/cultures. But at the same time, it would be utterly ridiculous to suggest that a person's love for his/her children can be determined by that person's work status.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2013 17:13

janey

I was responding to Hellys last post, it was on the same page.

I agree that people should show respect for other peoples choices, and life would be boring if we were all the same.
The OPs friend is clearly not happy with her choices or else she wouldn't have been so nasty and insensitive.
I could never leave my dc to work but my friends who work love their dc the same as I do, no difference at all.
OP, she is not a friend.

CoolStoryBro · 01/09/2013 17:14

Blimey Op! What a dumb thing for your friend to say.

That said, next time someone asks me why I'm still a SAHM even though my children are all in ft school, I'm going to say, "Oh, I just love my children too much to work". Am going to practice the misty eyed look in the mirror right now. Genius! Wink

janey68 · 01/09/2013 17:23

Yes I agree life would be boring if we were all the same... However, diversity is no excuse for downright vicious comments. Which is what this was, however much anyone tries to excuse it ...

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2013 17:56

Sovery

But many parents choose not to work and live on benefits. It wasn't for me and dh neither, but it was a choice.
You do have the choice to sell up and move into a van, also not one I would make.
If you really don't think its a matter of choice, we will have to beg to differ on that one.

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 18:49

so he11y you'd be cool with every single mother in the country quitting her job and living off benefits for the whole of her children's childhood?

you still haven't acknowledged that this isn't a choice btw - you cannot claim benefits past your child being at school and can be forced onto workfare if you don't find a job. it is not a choice (and you seriously overuse that word and without any analysis as to what it actually means).

this is not a 'free' country in the economic sense. things cost money. either you pay or someone else pays for you. if you don't have a husband you have to pay unless you fancy workfare at tesco at unsociable hours with no childcare.

why are you pretending someone in that position has a choice as to whether to work or not?

and do you think it would be morally right for people to just have children and then expect the state to support them and their children for 18 years because they 'loved their children too much' to pay their way?

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2013 18:49

sovery

My friend chose to live in a van, didn't go to work the next day, after all she had no mortgage to pay as she was selling the house and didn't care about it tbh. That was her choice

Portofino · 01/09/2013 18:57

Quite SAF. Plus the tricky matter of having to maybe pay back maternity pay if you don't go back to work. And the fact that if you resign from a job you are not (immediately) entitled to any benefits either.

Portofino · 01/09/2013 18:59

And I expect Tesco's would have not looked favourably at my CV. Being over qualified for work can be as bad as being under qualified in many cases. They tend to think you will be bored and move on as soon as something better comes along.

Portofino · 01/09/2013 19:02

And the fact that part time work might not necessarily cover the cost of childcare....

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 01/09/2013 19:17

How much you love your child and whether you want to be with them 24/7 are two very different things.

Trills · 01/09/2013 19:19

Those defending their working by saying "I would like to be with my child all the time but I can't afford not to work" are accepting the assertion that anyone who chooses to work (where they could stay at home) loves their child less.

Trills · 01/09/2013 19:21

Some parents work more hours than they would like, because of reasons outside their control.

Other parents work fewer hours than they would like, because of reasons outside their control.

Some parents are willing to make bigger sacrifices (financial or otherwise) in order to get closer to their "ideal number of hours working".

The number of hours they would like to work vs the number of hours they would like to spend with their child(ren) does not necessarily correlate with how much they love their child(ren).

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 01/09/2013 19:30

The second thing you have highlighted is what I believe.

The first thing you have highlighted is what other people are saying (although they might not deliberately be saying it).

If you believe that you can love your child and choose to work, there is no need to explain that you have to work rather than choose to work.

Trills · 01/09/2013 19:38

I'll try to think of a non-contentious example.

Let's talk about ironing.

Someone says "I couldn't go out without ironed clothes, I'd feel so scruffy". (I couldn't work, I love my kids)

You are currently wearing non-ironed clothes. (Working full time)

If you reply with "I would iron my top but I was in a rush this morning and the baby was sick on my ironed top" you are implying that you agree that it is scruffy to wear non-ironed clothes. (I would be a SAHM but can't afford it - I agree that I should want to stay at home)

TiredDog · 01/09/2013 19:51

Ah silly me. Choices. I will research my transit van lifestyle, take DC out of school and follow festivals looking for jobs and items to barter. Yes I can see I have a choice...that or work to pay a mortgage, buy food, clothes etc.

What a ridiculous response

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2013 20:05

tired

I think the argument is people assuming they have no choice, when in fact we all have the same choices where work and living are concerned, otherwise we would all be doing the same.
Nobody is saying the only choice is to work, pay a mortgage or not work and live in a van. These were an example a poster gave of two choices you could make.
Just because a person refuses to acknowledge their choices in life doesn't mean the choices don't exist.

Portofino · 01/09/2013 20:05

It doesn't really matter at all if you work or not, whether you want to work or not, if you work because you have to, or because you want to, you still love your kids! That is the point. And that is why Op's friend was so offensive.

There was a bit of sideline on this thread that if you REALLY want to stay home you can make that happen, even if means throwing all financial security out the window (and maybe living in a van).

Portofino · 01/09/2013 20:08

More potato, but sometimes these choices are really poor. Benefits vs a job, a van vs a roof over your head, poverty vs well fed and dressed kids. Surely as parents we weigh up all the options and take the best one.? It's stupid to say everyone has a real choice.

dufflefluffle · 01/09/2013 20:11

Yes, awful stupid thing to say. I'm a sahm and find: oh I couldn't stay at home with my kids - it's drive me mad/bored/demented comments offensive. I have never been able to figure out what the reverse insult is but there you have found it!!
Shut up mothers - each to their own, stop striving for mumupmanship!!

janey68 · 01/09/2013 20:16

And I'm still waiting for the response to how society would function if we all decided we quite fancied abandoning our well paying jobs and downsizing to something really easy where we wouldn't pay tax, or even choosing to be unemployed.
(I've asked this before on a thread and the best someone would come up with is 'don't be daft, of course there are people who are prepared to do the tough jobs'. By that I assume they mean some men who don't give a shit about whether they see their kids or not. Or maybe the childless because of course they don't count really.... )