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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

489 replies

dirtyface · 27/08/2013 16:55

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit Blush asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

OP posts:
SilverApples · 28/08/2013 12:41

Thebody, Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man
was the Jesuit motto, attributed to Francis Xavier, the co-founder of the Jesuit Order.
The implication is that the best opportunity to indoctrinate a person in a lifetime of belief and devotion to religious dogma is when they are young. So it's a specific phrase, linked to a specific outcome.
I'm a firm supported of 'It's not over until you are dead' My children, relatives, friends and acquaintances have constantly surprised me over the years by their life choices. Sometimes in a good way...sometimes not.

insummeritrains · 28/08/2013 12:51

I remember the boy we all were in love with (who was a total twat)... he is now bald at 28, he has a shit job and from his social media posts cant even get a mobile phone contract. He was trying to encourage people to go to a school reunion to relive "the best days of our lives".

^ this massively struck a chord with me. The popular kids at my school all now say this, that school was the best time of their lives. Sums it up, really.

They weren't my worst days but in my experience life gets better and better!

EstelleGetty · 28/08/2013 12:55

I think there are two terms at work here: popular and "popular."

There is nothing wrong with wanting your DC to be well-liked, confident, with good friends and to be happy.

Of course, everyone's DCs are special, but I think to try to cultivate a 'superior' status or self-image for them is wrong. And I think, post all the American high school TV shows/films we've seen over the years, "popular" has developed connotations of superiority, exclusivity and the ostracising of 'different' people.

One of my friends is surely the most popular person I know - she is kind, friendly, smart, gregarious and she speaks to everyone, makes an effort to include people at work who might be shy. Lots of the DCs being described on here sound like that - basically good kids who are well-liked because of their friendliness, confidence and ease in themselves.

I think people (whether children or adults) like this recognise their duty to be inclusive, to be fair and kind to everyone. Popular becomes "popular" when it becomes about status and considering yourself and your gang to be 'better' than others.

It's just a pity the word is now loaded with all these connotations, when we use it to talk about school and children/teenagers.

littlemog · 28/08/2013 12:59

Ok - sorry to interrupt here but something is bugging me.

What does DCs stand for?

Bonsoir · 28/08/2013 13:01

Absolutely agree, EstelleGetty that cultivating a superior self-image for DC is wrong.

wordfactory · 28/08/2013 13:03

There is always a balance between playing it safe to protect yourself and taking a risk, knowing it might hurt.

Most people naturally gravitate towards one or the other path instinctively.

I've always veered toward the later, bolstered to a large extent by the clear understanding that most failures don't matter. Not in the grand scheme of things.

DH always says that he was brought up far more protectionist and taught to avoid anything that might hurt or humiliate, but my natural optimism has now rubbed off on him Grin. I've certainly encouraged him to do some stuff other folk wouldn't have considered.

He's now adamant that he wants our DC brought up my way Grin.

morethanpotatoprints · 28/08/2013 13:06

littlemog

Dcs are darling or dearest children or darling child if you have just one and you'd rather not specify the sex.
DD darling daughter, ds darling son.

wordfactory · 28/08/2013 13:08

Estelle I think one of the best ways to ensure DC don't get an over inflated sense of their talents is to take them out of the small pond!

Once in the big pond, with the glittery fish, anyone with a modicum of intelligence can see that they frankly, aint all that.

But to make that leap into the big pond, you have to be prepared to fail outright. And many parents are just not prepared to let their DC do that. Instead they protect them from hurt and humiliation whilst at the same time ensuring they remain forever that big fish in a small pond.

2rebecca · 28/08/2013 13:09

I found at school the popular kids changed over time and looking back now I realise some of the kids I thought were popular didn't really have more friends than other kids, they were just more mouthy and cliquy about it.
At primary school my kids struggled to fit in and just had a few close friends who changed every year or 2. Now at secondary school they have a group of friends they get on with and I've never been bothered about how these friends are seen by others at the school. They're both geeky so probaby aren't "alpha" but then their father and I probably weren't either and we're quite happy now.
I think chasing popularity for its own sake is a waste of time.

mrsrhodgilbert · 28/08/2013 13:09

Estellegetty, that is spot on. It sounded like the op wanted her son to be in the 'popular' group. I think that is what has caused the outrage, why would you want to encourage that?

DC stands for darling children, likewise ds, dd, dd, being son, daughter, husband.

exoticfruits · 28/08/2013 13:10

Look at the acronyms, littlemog, it is dear, or darling child and MN shortcut. There has been a thread about it and I am phasing it out.

HandMini · 28/08/2013 13:16

In my first years of secondary school I was unstylish, geeky, teased for wearing spectacles, not being good at sport, generally being a bit clumsy and unsure of myself. I was very much not an alpha. I was still happy. I liked going home from school every day and eating toast and reading books and I never went to school discos because i didnt want to. I still remember those years fondly in most respects. Being "alpha" doesn't mean contentment.

HandMini · 28/08/2013 13:18

Ps, here's an instant fix to popularity - all the cool girls at my school spelled their names with an "i" so they were Jenni, Kelli, Traci. Maybe give it a try! Wink

Bumblequeen · 28/08/2013 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverApples · 28/08/2013 13:21

Just remembered from years back, DD's word of choice for those, in the OP's words
'i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are Grin and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim.'
was 'henches'
Those who courted the alphas and would be quick to follow whatever was required to remain in favour. Be it the right gear, the correct level of flattery or the snigger at appropriately designated targets of ridicule.
They could also turn on a sixpence as the whim of the alpha changed. It's an insecure position for anyone to be in, and builds neither resilience or independence.

littlemog · 28/08/2013 13:21

Yes I knew what DC stood for but many posters say DCs which makes absolutely no sense since children is already a plural. Darling childrens sounds stupid unless in the possessive sense in which case you would use an apostrophe.

Sorry if I sound pedantic but it does bug me. Grin

exoticfruits · 28/08/2013 13:30

I think the super popular are born, not made- it is just the way they are. It is a lovely surprise for a shy and retiring parent to have one and quite difficult for the outgoing, confident, friendly parent to have the shy and retiring child who wants to be in the background.
The best thing is to encourage and support the child you have, getting them used to speaking to lots of people, sharing, empathising, able to follow instructions etc
The 'alpha' child is one popular with their peer group- including the opposite sex- and adults. It doesn't work if you have to miss out a group.
They are generally mature and reasonable and inclusive to all - they are not mean.
There are some children that adults think wonderful but they can't mix well with other children and there are children who appear popular with their peer group but they often preserve their position by exclusion of others or sheer force of personality which often irritates adults.

exoticfruits · 28/08/2013 13:32

Don't expect it to make sense, littlemog, and then you will be OK!

kerala · 28/08/2013 13:32

Utterly agree with cory who said earlier that parents shouldn't be involved or even particularly aware of the school pecking order as long as their kids are broadly happy and content and not upsetting anyone else.

At my primary this wasn't even an issue seems a strange thing for adults to be peering at under 10s and categorising them as "popular" or not. Rather sad really. At my secondary (rural comp) in order to be popular you had to have a broad Somerset accent and have sexual encounters with knuckle draggers in fields behind the local pub. Even as a 12 year old I knew that wasn't for me and was quite happy with my 6 pals being average! On the rare occasions one of the in group tried to be unkind it rather rolled off me because frankly anything said in that accent sounds quite unthreatening and thick

Bonsoir · 28/08/2013 13:33

DC = one child
DCs = more than one child

catinabox · 28/08/2013 13:35

I like to think our DC might be a bit more evolved than we were at school. That they might have slightly more egalitarian social lives rather than odd oppressive hierarchies that we had to manage when we were little.

My DC are tiny so i've got a while till i find out what it's like.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 28/08/2013 13:36

I guess the point is that children, as a plural, wouldn't have an s. But if you think of DC as a noun itself, it's also logical to use an s I guess.

What are these small ponds people are mentioning? If you live in a village, are you supposed to move to a big city or something? And does popularity only 'count' in that circumstance? Confused

noobieteacher · 28/08/2013 13:36

I agree kerala. It is very sad indeed - these parents project their own anxieties on their children. Their children then impose it on other children as they pick up the sneering attitude that is an inevitable part of exclusion and elitism.

Bonsoir · 28/08/2013 13:37

"It is a lovely surprise for a shy and retiring parent to have one."

Not necessarily. Some more introverted parents hate their child's extroversion and try to stamp it out.

Bonsoir · 28/08/2013 13:38

I live in a very large pond indeed, and the issue of overinflated DC still occurs.

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