to want my DCs to be the super popular, "alpha" children at school

[dirtyface]

partly inspired by the thread about do you buy your kids certain stuff so they can fit in (but not a thread about a thread i promise)

...it just got me thinking. i REALLY want my dcs to not just "fit in" (although i will be happy with that of course) but to be actively, super popular

they are only 4 (dd) and 7 (ds) at the moment so in year 1 and year 4 so just starting out really

but i think it starts young. tbh i can already see in DS's class who the in crowd are :o and luckily ds is friends with some of them but seems a bit on the periphery iyswim. popularity at junior school breeds confidence and a "popular reputation" and a casual expectation that people will like them which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy i think teachers tend to prefer the popular ones as well IME

it then IMO tends leads to success as an adult even if they dont do particularly well at school. for example, DH was very popular at school and although he left before even taking his GCSE's he has done very well at work, and always tends to be very popular where he has worked and ends up getting promoted a lot

so, those of you who have very popular DCs, whats their secret? and am a bit asking this, but is it / has it been anything you do as a mum / parent to help them along a bit?

I am amazed that parents get so involved in the social make up of the class. I just got to know my children's friends - I didn't even know some of them.

nit I suppose I'm thinking of taking a talent to the next stage.

Eg A child is fast runner. Wins at sports day. Every year. Parents are convinced he's the next Bolt or Mo. Child is convinced of his talent.

A sure fire way for that child to keep things in perspective is to join a running club. Then he'll look around and see all the other good runners. He might still be the fastest but he knows there are some not far behind!

Then there's district. County. Regional. Everyone talented. Everyone training hard. Very hard to consider yourself superior in those circumstances.

I would have thought anyone who was convinced their child was the next Bolt would get him/her into a club and doing more.... or doing that the sort of thing Bonsoir is saying leads to disaster?

Although to be fair, the child's still going to be in the smaller pond most of the time anyway, even if you do get him/her extending his/her talents in specific places, thinking about it!

wordfactory - your example pre-supposes that a DC lives in the sticks and moves up through the ranks. DC in big cities often start off with considerable advantage (fabulous sports facilities or music or whatever) and never rise through the ranks - they are playing nationally or internationally competitive tennis or cricket or whatever from a young age and carry on for several years before peaking - when they are in fact still young and don't necessarily have the skills to deal with that, especially when the parents have projected heavily.

I was going by the fact that introverts who have found social interaction difficult are pleased not to have passed it on to their children. Generally I have found them happy to have an outgoing child who makes friends easily.

exoticfruits

littlemog Wed 28-Aug-13 13:21:54
"Yes I knew what DC stood for but many posters say DCs which makes absolutely no sense since children is already a plural. Darling childrens sounds stupid unless in the possessive sense in which case you would use an apostrophe."

I think when users do this they are acting on the perception that the abbreviation dc is such an established world (on MN=the real world ) that it has effectively become a (singular) noun in its own right. A bit like people say agendas instead of agenda for the plural or use agenda for a single agendum.

cheers silverApples.😄

Can't see the icon, thebody, so I haven't a clue if you are telling me to sod off or not.

The stereotyping and ill wishing on this thread is depressing.

My DD is very popular as she is just a really happy child and others seem to radiate towards her

We didn't know what bullying was at primary school, we all just bumbled along happily. You got on with someone better and drifted off from another friend, no hard feelings, everyone just got on with it.

It is quite astounding how things have changed, and interesting that people are going so quickly into sports when the thread is about friendship, not competition.

Why would someone's ability to play tennis make them an alpha socially?

Why would someone's ability to play tennis make them an alpha socially - I think ability in any field, but particularly "acceptable" pursuits, like boys being good at football, gives children a degree of confidence and an "in group" mentality if they can be part of a team. Both of those concepts go along with being "alpha".

"Fearless" is a lovely way to put it. I have tried to raise my four to be fearless and seem to have succeeded so far. They are sunny, confident children who will stick up for the underdog and are popular in the old fashioned sense of the word; they have lots of caring friendships.

I think this is a subject in which, inevitably, posters are going to have various reasons to be defensive and bring other issues to the table.

Anyone who bears the scars from feeling they weren't 'popular' at school is naturally (if not laudably) going to construct a narrative in which being popular wasn't that great anyway, and where those popular children who were perhaps unkind to them didn't end up doing so well in the end.

Anyone with children who aren't 'alpha' and are ever unhappy about it may take comfort from that.

Anyone whose children do seem well-liked is going to take offense at that idea, and also at the idea that being popular is a small-scale, transient state which is contingent on being in a small pool, or will vanish in adulthood.

Anyone who was popular at school is going to resent the idea that they're probably a loser now! And the terms of being a loser now also seem a bit snobbish, as Usual pointed out... which is another kettle of fish.

It's awfully hard, I think (and appears from this thread) to talk about one's own, or one's children's, popularity in an objective and non-emotive way.

I'm going to keep working on trying to make sure mine are likeable in the hope that people will like them. And not worry too much whether they're liked to an alpha or a beta (or less) level!

OP, my mum asked the school guidance counsellor the same question in relation to my brother, when she was worried that he had some, but not many, friends. He asked her "do YOU have lots of friends? do YOU socialist a lot?" His take was that kids who grow up in a socially active family are used to playing with lots of other kids, meeting new people, being part of a tribe etc. So essentially, kids take after their parents hence lots of people on here saying "I was fairly nerdy and my DC are too."

I wasn't cool at school, and worry about my DCs suffering same although they are still young. My plan is to try to keep us all socially active with play dates and family meet ups and so on, but unsurprisingly it turns out I'm not very good at it! I have to make a real effort.

As I said earlier, I've known a number of lovely, popular and admired children ho have grown up into lovely, well-adjusted and confident teenagers and adults. Those are leaders in my opinion. But they don't get their status and recognition by metaphorically standing on others, or by being the best by counting the number of victims, or exercising their power over others in an unpleasant fashion.
Had a class once where the alpha boy was just wonderful, and his parents were lovely. He set the tone for relationships within the class, without even realising how influential he was. Just by being him. One of the nicest classes I have taught in years. He's in his second year at uni now, and still lovely.

I was not popular at school - a bit of a loner. My BF (now) was bullied at school. We have both worked hard to help our children 'fit in'.

school can be a hard, lonely place - helping your children have an easy path threw nit can oly be a good thing IMO

People are WAY too invested in the minutiae of their children's lives. Let them be who they want to be and see how they turn out whilst, obviously, helping them over slip ups and crises. Setting a good example with one's own friendships, relationships and attitudes towards success and (maybe even more importantly) failure will do far more good to a child than quizzing them on what "friendship group" they belong to.

There is minimal correlation between being an "alpha" and life success. I suspect that academic success and life success are better correlated, although life success is different things to different people, anyway.

I think Estelle's distinction between popular and "popular" is a really good one.

Everyone wants their DC(s) to have an easy time of it at school and a large and supportive group of friends (and nobody wants to think their DC is a bitch or a bully). I don't think anyone begrudges the gregarious, outgoing and kind children their poularity or success and those posters who have taken umbrage on behalf of their popular children have probably got the wrong end of the stick.

But I think its incredibly dangerous for a parent to give their DC any hint that the DC's place in the pecking order matters to the parent in the slightest. I've noticed that this matters a lot to the mothers of some of the girls in DD's year and that they go to some lengths to help their daughters be part of the "popular" crew (buying them all the right kit and arranging playdates and sleepovers very strategically). My DD is quite good friends, individually, with several of the "popular" girls but doesn't want to be part of their group as when they are en masse she finds them bitchy and is bored by all the jostling for position and the fake American accents they've adopted. I wonder whether the mothers of these girls are so pleased that their daughters are alpha popular that they don't notice the bitchiness etc...

I'm not sure that's right about being too invested. I've seen two daughters through from reception to sixth form. Surely if you speak to your children these things just come out in regular conversation.