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AIBU to give up breastfeeding?
252

MisselthwaiteManor · 21/08/2013 16:24

I've just about had enough.

Baby has a lip tie which GP says no one in the country will cut. She was cupfed from birth against my will and has never been able to latch properly. I have been expressing every single feed for two months (she's now 10 weeks old). My milk supply in one boob dried up so its one boob getting pumped every time, my god the pain.

My milk supply has now more than halved, I don't know if it's due to the fact I'm on my period. For the past week I've been expressing every half hour to get enough for the baby, it's still not been enough and we've been giving the odd carton of formula.

I've just had e-fucking-nough of getting up every hour in the night and all day to wash the fucking pump and express again. Every feed is a nightmare because if there isn't a bottle waiting in the fridge she has to wait and she obviously gets distressed. DH gets no sleep either because he feeds her while I express the next bottle to try and stay ahead.

I would be onto formula like a shot if it wasn't for the amount of shit I am getting from every angle. The midwife drummed it into me all through my pregnancy how the baby will be full of disease if I use formula. The GP has said under no circumstance switch to formula because the baby has bad reflux and apparently it'll make it worse. Home start have been badgering me twice a week for weeks asking if I'm breastfeeding properly yet. I told them I don't need their help anymore (they tried and couldn't get her to latch either) but they will not go away. The health visitor is the same, phonecalls all the time asking if I'm doing it right yet.

AIBU to tell them all to fuck right off and give my baby formula? She's upset with the situation so I can't see a benefit to breastmilk for us anymore but I feel like the worst mother in the world.

I have PND which is clouding my head and my judgement so please tell me what you would do.

OP's posts:
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SybilRamkin · 22/08/2013 01:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

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Celadorhasacatandawaveequation · 22/08/2013 01:38

I think everyone needs to ignore Marianne's comments as she, for whatever reason is being deliberately inflammatory. Responding gives her a credence she doesn't warrant.

OP, there's some good advice on here from well meaning posters. Concentrate on that Smile.

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middlewallop · 22/08/2013 09:36

Give yourself a rest and feed your baby with a bottle, within no time at all you will feel really good about yourself and your lovely baby, these early weeks and months are special get on and enjoy them - formula will help you.

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SHarri13 · 22/08/2013 09:49

Hello OP, I was thinking only yesterday about when I stopped BFing my first two and how I felt about it now, a few years down the line. The outcome was that I hold no sadness at all, they're lovely growing boys and how they were fed seems to have paled into significance. At the time though the last thing the decision seemed was insignificant. Lots of hugs for you.

You have done such an amazing job to get to this point. Give yourself permission to just stop, whether that be cold turkey or slowly. Go and see the GP for some more reflux meds if need be. Keep on at them if they refuse.

Good luck, I hope you manage to get the PND under control and start to enjoy your baby xxx

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Lavidaenrosa · 22/08/2013 09:53

Do whatever makes you and baby feel better. You know what's best for you.Good luck.

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HorseyGirl1 · 22/08/2013 09:53

Please FF. Your whole family will benefit from this.

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ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 22/08/2013 10:07

Oh OP. Lots of sympathy. It's OK to stop, you have done a bloody amazing job in the face of a big problem, and you should be very very proud of getting this far. You've had lots of good advice about stopping, and I hope that you can move forward and enjoy your lovely baby. I hated BFing and remember sobbing on the phone to my mum, who said 'it's OK to stop. You're the only one who needs to give yourself permission to stop' and she was right. This is exactly why they make baby formula.

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SHarri13 · 22/08/2013 10:11

Oh and I just wanted add that you might find someone to separate the LT privately if that was a path you really wanted to go down xxx

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TheListingAttic · 22/08/2013 12:06

Breast is best: FROM A NUTRITIONAL POINT OF VIEW. A mother who's coping is far more important for your child! Everyone knows it's the ideal in terms of nutrients, but there are MANY reasons it can be a struggle and there are other factors. As said above, it's not giving up: you're taking a look at the whole situation and making a considered decision that tskes everything into account. Good luck with whatever

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TheListingAttic · 22/08/2013 12:07

Breast is best: FROM A NUTRITIONAL POINT OF VIEW. A mother who's coping is far more important for your child! Everyone knows it's the ideal in terms of nutrients, but there are MANY reasons it can be a struggle and there are other factors. As said above, it's not giving up: you're taking a look at the whole situation and making a considered decision that tskes everything into account. Good luck with whatever you decide will work best for you both.

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breatheslowly · 22/08/2013 12:38

That's really well put Listing. Much like children get fed birthday cakes occasionally - it isn't nutritionally ideal to eat that much sugar, but life is about more than nutrition.

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lotsofcheese · 22/08/2013 13:07

I just wanted to add that if you do decide to stop expressing OP, please ensure you stop it gradually, or you may get engorged/painful breasts & mastitis.

For example, if you're expressing 10 times daily, drop it to 8 for a few days, then 6 for a few more. It can take a week or two to stop, if that's what you want.

Once you've made the decision to stop, it can be a huge relief. It was for me. I flogged my breast pump on EBay & bought DS a present with it.

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TheOneAndOnlyFell · 22/08/2013 13:17

I have tried (for anywhere between 3 weeks and 3 months) to BF all three of mine with varying degrees of success and abject failure, but ultimately, in each case the downs were just too overwhelmingly downy to be worth continuing for the ups, iyswim. In my case I found it immensely painful, and DS1 was a very bad/slow feeder on the breast, and the sheer number of hours involved sitting there with my fists clenched and my toes curled in agony, just sent me mad in the end - he fed fine on the bottle though. I would always try to BF every single time, and I would always hope with all my heart to crack it next time, and for it to become easy and natural, they way everyone tells me it should be, but I would also NEVER AGAIN run myself (and my hungry, stressed out baby) into the ground trying to get it right in the face of so many insurmountable (for me) obstacles, when there is a perfectly adequate alternative. It's just not worth it. It's not worth compromising your mental health and physical wellbeing over.

Just do what feels right for you, and your baby and sod everybody else.

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KissMeHardy · 22/08/2013 13:21

TheOneAndOnly - extremely well put and well said !

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Morebirthdayblues · 22/08/2013 14:04

I went through this with DS Op, I lasted for 3.5 weeks! So I can't begin to imagine what it's been like for you for such a length of time.

The day I decided to give him formula I felt so guilty but so relieved all at the same time! I'm glad I persevered for a few weeks when they apparently get so much benefit out of it, but it was making me miserable and I was aware of how this would be projected onto him.

So please stop beating yourself up about this, and get some formula into your little baby!!

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DangoDays · 22/08/2013 14:18

If you were giving someone advice who is in your shoes what would you suggest? I am guessing you sound like you would suggest moving to formula. Regardless of your decision, This is your experience and no one else's so do what is best for your family and you. Try to put aside any other views and just look at what is in front of you - what would you like to do?

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Mutley77 · 22/08/2013 14:30

I can so relate to you - I have had the same with all 3 children. I have, so many times, seen yet another expert who has said - oh of course I'll get him/her to latch and can't. I don't know why, I don't get it. One had a tt, the others seemed to be lazy, one was tube fed initially which obvs didn't help.

Please give up. You have done so well to get this far. Just enjoy your baby - I hope you will find that giving yourself a break from the expressing will help you to recover from your PND. Also get yourself a full night's sleep before you start doing the nights again.

Breast is best but many babies only get 12 weeks exclusive bf even if it is easy for mum and baby so you have done really well and can move onto formula with a clear conscience. FWIW - my two oldest kids who were mix fed from day one are both very healthy and happy (although I know that people who have bf successfully and are dogmatic about it will argue that it isn't the point!).

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farewellfigure · 22/08/2013 15:05

OP you are doing brilliantly. I can't believe you lasted as long as you have. I think you're a star.

I went on to FF when DS was one week old. He hadn't latched on properly the whole time. Every feed was taking over 2 hours as he just couldn't get what he needed. It was my birthday (not really relevant but I was in no mind to celebrate). I hadn't slept for longer than half an hour in a week. DH had had the odd hour here and there. DS wasn't sleeping at night at all so we took it in turns to sit up with him. He was starving. I had a raging infection. I went to the GP for help and she said, 'You are no good as a mother to DS if you are not looking after yourself'. We went to the breastfeeding clinic and they totally failed to get him to latch on. He was also losing weight and getting more jaundiced as there was hardly any milk. I couldn't work out why expressing wasn't working. Durr! I hadn't even thought that there simply wasn't any. I got in the car and said to DH, 'Drive to Tescos. We're buying bottles'.

It was literally the best decision I have ever made.DS drank his bottle. He slept. I beat myself up about it for weeks but do you know what? He is one of the healthiest children I know and he is the best reader in his class (reception).

Please do yourself and your family a favour and go on to formula. It will change everything. And DO NOT beat yourself up about this. DO NOT think of it as giving up. You have given your baby an absolutely fantastic start and tried your very very best.

Oh I celebrated my birthday the following day. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted and I had FUN!

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Bambamb · 22/08/2013 15:17

Do what you need to do and don't feel bad about it.
I am massively pro breastfeeding. ....however not to the detriment of either mum or babies health. Breastfeeding is considered best for the health benefits. What you are describing does not sound like it is benefiting your emotional or mental health. Don't compromise your health. To me it doesn't sound like breast is best any more for you and your baby.
Good luck. Xxx

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NamelessMcNally · 22/08/2013 21:59

Please Cara, tell me you have the formula.

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jessieagain · 22/08/2013 22:22

Yanbu

I ebf my ds and I definitely wouldn't have done so if I had experienced half the problems you have.

Huge congratulations for getting this far Flowers she has had nearly 3 months of bf benefits but you need to get some 'normality' back in your life and feeding your baby shouldn't be a massive challenge.

Im sorry hcp have not been supportive and are pressuring you.

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mawbroon · 22/08/2013 22:33

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but your GP is WRONG.

There are a couple of dentists in the UK who laser lip and tongue ties if you are able/willing to go private. There is no need to use anaesthetic. They are both trained by Dr Kotlow who is a leading expert on ties. The dentists are Malcolm Levinkind in North London and John Roberts at Cote Royd Dental Practice, Huddersfield.

You also need to know, that most lip ties also come with tongue ties. Sure, there will be somebody out there without a tongue tie, but it is very rare.

So, it is most likely that your baby is also tongue tied even if you have been told that there is no tongue tie. HCPs are pretty clueless about this stuff, trust me, been there, got the t shirt.

Even if you decide to quit breastfeeding, please read up about lip and tongue tie and make an informed decision about how you want to continue. There can be far reaching consequences from unrevised ties.

There is a facebook group called Tongue Tie Babies Support Group. Ask to join and you will find a wealth of knowledge and experience on there.

Info here and here

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OneUp · 22/08/2013 23:36

God I gave up breastfeeding because I was finding it difficult. You are superwoman CaramacOnToast. Look into breastfeeding and lip tie/tongue tie, but honestly I gave up for less. You are not a bad person for doing what's best for you and your baby.

Discovering and correcting lip tie

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Timpetill · 23/08/2013 00:39

Oooh, I've had my first slapped wrist from MN Towers for calling out a bully Hmm

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Timpetill · 23/08/2013 00:43

Anyway, OP, I just wanted to say you've had a lot of good support here. I couldn't BF my babies, despite having the best lactation consultants, equipment and support mo ey could buy. I was also sliding towards PND both times, so I know that it's the negative voices that you hear and beat yourself up with. Formula is fine, your beautiful baby will be fine, it's a short time in your baby's life that I promise will become less and less overwhelming and all-consuming as time goes on. Flowers and Cake to you Smile

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