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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re FIL sharing a bed with my DC?

180 replies

LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 20:23

I'm a regular NC for confidentiality.

Here is a bit of background so as not to drip feed:
My PIL are lovely people. I have known them for many years and am as sure as a person can be that they love my DC and would not intentionally harm them. They have just had my DC to stay for the weekend, to share some happy times and give me and DH some time alone which we rarely get and really appreciate. They have fed them, played with them, even washed their clothes. The boys have returned happy and safe.

During their stay, it turns out that DS2 (5) slept the whole time in FIL's bed - i.e. they put him to bed there and when FIL went to bed he stayed all night. DS3 (3) slept on the floor in the same room. DS1 (8) slept in another room in a double bed alone, with a spare bed in the same room - so there would have been plenty of space for his brothers to share with him.

I feel slightly uncomfortable about this. It just doesn't feel right. I wouldn't have wanted to share a bed with my grandfather, and I wouldn't want my own father (or mother) to share a bed with my DC either. AIBU to feel this way? WWYD about saying something?

I also have another concern. They all went out today to a farm park type place. Whilst they were there, MIL let all three of them go into the Men's toilets alone, without an adult. When they were in there on their own DS3 needed a poo, so DS1 left his brothers in there to go and tell MIL that he needed a bottom wipe.

I don't feel that a 3 and 5 y.o. are old enough to go alone yet. Apart from the obvious that DS3 can't wipe his own bottom yet, I'm not convinced public urinals are clean or that they'll wash their hands, and in the unlikely event that they met a 'nasty man' or even an older boy who was mean to them, they wouldn't know what to do. It just seems a bit short sighted of MIL to let them do this.

I really need to know if others would feel the same way I do, in which case I need to think very carefully about how to talk to my PIL about this without offending them.

OP posts:
yoniwherethesundontshine · 18/08/2013 23:09

I totally agree with you op, and only you are in the place to know how something feels...the set up of the situation.

I think your strategy is good....for next time, but I would also feel very very odd if I found out that Dc had slept all night in FILS bed.

AngelaOxford · 18/08/2013 23:12

Every summer, my parents-in-law have their grandchildren staying with them at their summer house for 2 weeks so that they can give the parents a small break and while they always put my 3-year-old niece in her bed at night, they always wake up to find her sleeping between them in their bed!

Unless, you FIL is a paedophile or obese, so that he may accidentally suffocate your children if he rolls over, I see nothing wrong with sharing a bed with them!

AngelaOxford · 18/08/2013 23:13

Every summer, my parents-in-law have their grandchildren staying with them at their summer house for 2 weeks so that they can give the parents a small break and while they always put my 3-year-old niece in her bed at night, they always wake up to find her sleeping between them in their bed!

Unless, you FIL is a paedophile or obese, so that he may accidentally suffocate your children if he rolls over, I see nothing wrong with sharing a bed with them!

thornrose · 18/08/2013 23:15

Angela thank god, I thought I was going mad!

Sleepathon · 18/08/2013 23:24

Goodness me don't actually know what the fuss is about!
How blessed are your children to have loving grandparents! Something I never had as a child.

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 18/08/2013 23:26

I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I would've slept in with my Granny when I was younger but 1. I didn't see her all that often and 2. She is a terrible, terrible snorer so I wouldn't have slept at all.

I did sleep in with my Granddad at 2 before he passed away though and we both got brought breakfast in bed by my Mum, it was very lovely! :)

I'd have no problem with my DD when she is older sleeping in with either of my parents and I wouldn't with DPs parents too although I doubt they'd do it, as long as they saw her fairly regularly so she'd feel comfortable with it.

Of course also that they wore boxers/underwear too, as it seems inappropriate not to wear underwear in bed when you have a child with you.

RE: toilets. I agree, it was probably not the best idea but as you have said MIL probably temporarily forgot. Maybe she was a bit flustered or in the middle of doing something and thought 8 year old DS would probably be able to handle it as he's a 'big boy' and wasn't banking on the youngest needing a poo. I am sure now it's happened she'll re-evaluate the situation for the future.

I have had to help a few kids 2-5 years old in a few situations where they've gone to the loo and their parents have seemingly disappeared (one in a campsite, another in a yurting holiday area, another in a hotel. One I even ended up having to take to their parents who were a minute walk away because she'd trapped her fingers in the toilet door. She was 3 or 4 years old, I mean WHAT?).

whatsaduckdo · 18/08/2013 23:28

I can't understand how not wanting your DC to share a bed with their grandparents automatically means that you think the GP's are paedophiles! That seems to be what a lot of people are implying.
I'm reading this thread with interest as this is something my DH and I have recently discussed and we have both come to the conclusion that when our DS stays with the GPs (both sides) we do not want him spending any time in bed with them. Not that my PIL will but I have a feeling that my own parents will encourage it. I can't exactly put a finger on why I'm not comfortable witht the idea, I just feel its inappropriate. It does NOT mean that I think my parents are paedos. That is ridiculous and slightly hysterical.

thornrose · 18/08/2013 23:33

whatsaduckdo I just don't understand "inappropriate" in this context.

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 23:40

It has never even been discussed as an issue in my family.

I have no idea why anyone would think it's inappropriate.

whatsaduckdo · 19/08/2013 00:05

thornrose as I said, I can't quite put my finger on why I feel that way. Maybe 'inappropriate' is the wrong word to use. I think it may be more due to the fact that there have been some boundary issues with my DM and that bed sharing may be a step too far. It is sad I know, but its how myself and my DH feel at this time. I can totally see others pov on this and there may come a time when we change our minds, our DS is our first so this is all new!

I felt compelled to comment before as so many people had made the 'well you must think they're paedos' remark which is silly.

CaractacusPotts · 19/08/2013 00:25

The world has gone fucking nuts!!!

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/08/2013 00:38

I don't think any member of my family is a pedophile and I love them very much

But if I found out that any of my children had shared a bed with any one of them,over nights would stop.

I class a bed as personal space,respecting my child's personal space is important to me.

Extended family have a different type of relationship with children than parents do,I just don't think that just because a person is a member of your extended family it means its ok to step over that boundary and think to do so is inappropriate. There are many types of inappropriate they are not all related to sexual behaviour.

MammaTJ · 19/08/2013 01:00

My DS age 6 tends to creep in to my bed at some point during the night. He would do that with whichever family member was around, so would creep in to his Granddads bed if he was the adult in charge. I would not have a problem with this at all.

garlicagain · 19/08/2013 01:47

There are differences between a child coming into the bed of their own accord, and the adult dictating it. It's also different from bed-sharing as a space solution. The little one was put on the floor, when a bed was available; what's that all about?

All the posts saying you can't like a person if you don't sleep with them look very odd to me! Is this a test of a relationship to some people?

I'm among those who've said their parents have boundary issues, and feel that this is too much intimacy - again, to me, because the kids did not choose it off their own bat.

OP, it's great to hear you & DH are on the same page and will speak to his parents. Lopp's DH ... Don't be fooled! We have our good moments, but all the bad things you've heard about Mumsnetters are true Grin

stottie · 19/08/2013 02:40

No no no.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson · 19/08/2013 03:14

YANBU. I'd freak out at this but then again my dc's would never stay overnight with Grandparents. You obviously trust your pil but it does seem strange unless your boys requested to sleep with fil. Me and my sister were abused by my father in his bed. I wouldn't take any chances.

privacyrules · 19/08/2013 03:36

SERIOUSLY??? You think the grandfather is a closet paedophile who's only motive was to abuse the child? Oh God - I despair for humanity sometimes. And I shudder to think what this hysteria is doing to this generation.

I am not picking on any particular poster, but I noticed that this is quite a theme in this thread. I would've been of the same opinion as this poster a while ago, but the 'harmless' old grandfather turned out to be anything but harmless.

I wouldn't care about anybody elses discomfort, don't put your children in this position as the fall out is more heartbreaking than you could possible imagine.

themaltesefalcon · 19/08/2013 03:46

Sound like weird sleeping arrangements to me. Why is the three year old on the floor?

I'd expect all the kids to be together.

raisah · 19/08/2013 05:01

I shared beds with my gran growing up & my kids do the samr. It is natural and I hope that I can replicate the care free childhood that I had for my kids. We as a society see danger everywhere sometimes in the most innocent situations.

JoandMax · 19/08/2013 05:50

My DCs sleep in with my parents and in-laws sometimes - partly they want to and also DS2 is a crap sleeper and my mum and MIL get worried they won't hear him in another room if he wakes in the night so just pop him in with them. Then DS1 feels left out so invariably ends up with my dad or FIL! Could it just be your FIL was nervous being on his own with all 3 DCs and thought if the little ones were in with him he could deal with anything easier?

I think it really depends on what you're comfortable with and the type of relationships you have

Morloth · 19/08/2013 05:59

So you don't trust him 100% then?

Either they are trustworthy or they are not.

Sharing a bed or not is not going to make any difference if the GP is an abuser.

The children need to be protected from him or they don't.

It is musical beds here and at my ILs when the kids stay.

There is nothing sexual or creepy about snuggling up and sleeping safe and sound.

Sounds like Grandma made the wrong call with the bathroom, she probably underestimated how much help/trouble the 3 year old would be. It happens.

CreatureRetorts · 19/08/2013 06:34

This thread is so depressing I can hardly stand it

No need to over react. Some people are not as physically close, or don't demonstrate family closeness by bed sharing so find it strange. That's just how it is. I find it depressing that people are quick to dismiss concerns just because they had a particularly warm and cuddly childhood therefore it must be fine.

CreatureRetorts · 19/08/2013 06:37

Also I wouldn't be so Hmm if it was musical beds or lack of space etc. but it wasn't - there were spare beds and one kid was alone. That's the Hmm factor for me.

exoticfruits · 19/08/2013 06:55

I agree with Morloth, who has summed it up. It doesn't surprise me at all that the 8 yr old was on his own. I would definitely split them up at bedtime- less trouble. The 8 yr old can go later and read without keeping them awake. With MIL away FIL was probably nervous about not waking if the younger ones woke- they could have gone off wandering without him knowing.
I am surprised that people have so much problem with the toilet issue- it would seem normal just to send him in with his brothers- as a single parent I had to find someone to take my DS into the gents so that he knew what it was like. Probably Grandma didn't expect him to be a trouble in there.

diddl · 19/08/2013 07:28

I can understand that FIl thought being with the youngest two was a good idea.

Although why weren't the three of them in the other room & 8yr old in FILs bed??

Seems odd to me that someone was on the floor.

And no MIL-that's odd!