Re FIL sharing a bed with my DC?

[LoppLopp]

I'm a regular NC for confidentiality.

Here is a bit of background so as not to drip feed:
My PIL are lovely people. I have known them for many years and am as sure as a person can be that they love my DC and would not intentionally harm them. They have just had my DC to stay for the weekend, to share some happy times and give me and DH some time alone which we rarely get and really appreciate. They have fed them, played with them, even washed their clothes. The boys have returned happy and safe.

During their stay, it turns out that DS2 (5) slept the whole time in FIL's bed - i.e. they put him to bed there and when FIL went to bed he stayed all night. DS3 (3) slept on the floor in the same room. DS1 (8) slept in another room in a double bed alone, with a spare bed in the same room - so there would have been plenty of space for his brothers to share with him.

I feel slightly uncomfortable about this. It just doesn't feel right. I wouldn't have wanted to share a bed with my grandfather, and I wouldn't want my own father (or mother) to share a bed with my DC either. AIBU to feel this way? WWYD about saying something?

I also have another concern. They all went out today to a farm park type place. Whilst they were there, MIL let all three of them go into the Men's toilets alone, without an adult. When they were in there on their own DS3 needed a poo, so DS1 left his brothers in there to go and tell MIL that he needed a bottom wipe.

I don't feel that a 3 and 5 y.o. are old enough to go alone yet. Apart from the obvious that DS3 can't wipe his own bottom yet, I'm not convinced public urinals are clean or that they'll wash their hands, and in the unlikely event that they met a 'nasty man' or even an older boy who was mean to them, they wouldn't know what to do. It just seems a bit short sighted of MIL to let them do this.

I really need to know if others would feel the same way I do, in which case I need to think very carefully about how to talk to my PIL about this without offending them.

Thanks EasyMark I think maybe you're right... might let DH have this conversation though!

DC did love being with their gps!

Really appreciate all responses.

I haven't spoken to PILs about this yet... wanted to ask opinions here first. I suspect he might have wanted to share with the children because he was worried they would wake in the night and he would rather not have to get out of bed to go to them.

I'm a bit miffed they didn't ask us about it first though.

I used to sleep in my granny's bed as a child it was comforting as I recall when away from my parents.

The toilet thing is a bit much though - should have an adult helping.

Please explain why a GP needs to share with a child

Why NOT? They are family!

I speak from experience as well as -common sense-- opinion

OP, was this a one off sleeping arrangement?

I'm thinking that if your MIL was away for the night, your fil simply thought that was the best sleeping arrangement in order for him to look after them properly and be directly on hand?

Strikeout fail, sorry.

I'd hate to have that sort of conversation with my DF. It would break his heart as he would know what I was implying.

Ah ha OP that is what I was saying. He thought that was the best way he could look after them.

Creature - I don't think that a GP does need to share a bed with a child if there are other beds available. But certainly in my dds case, she enjoys it and it makes her feel close to her grandad. She chooses to do it and always has done since being a lot younger than she is now. She feels safer with him than with her siblings or by herself, in what is effectively a strange house (although she goes there a fair bit it is still different at night - different noises etc).

I have no doubt that at some point she will choose to sleep in one of the other spare rooms, as she gets older.

YABU, My ds's have always loved snuggling up with their granddad.

the toilets, in hindsight maybe not the best choice just because the youngest is a bit too young. urinals yes no the cleanest thing but mine also climb about in the garden getting dirty. We don't live in a sterile world I'm afraid!

How horribly sad that people think there's 'no need' for DC to share a bed with their grandparents and that alone is a reason they shouldn't or this might be suspicious. Maybe it's just a nice thing for the grandparent and child? Why does there have to be a 'need'?

I used to always get into my grandparents bed in the mornings as a child. The only reason I didn't sleep there was as my grandmother has a bad back and was worried an extra little person in the bed might hurt her, but those mornings all snuggled up and chatting are one of my fondest childhood memories. There was certainly nothing odd about it!

Wtf. My dd has shared a bed with my Dad in the past. I can't believe some people would make an issue out of gp's doing this! World gone mad IMO.

At the end of the day if the OP is suggesting her FIL is a paedophile then shouldnt people be questioning her letting her kids in his care in the first place?

The way I read it, is not that she thinks her fil is paedo, rather that it was an uncomfortable situation.

I know my eldest wouldnt be comfortable with that sleeping arrangement, and I wouldnt have either as a child and its ok to not want to share a bed with certain people.

Its been said but its 'family so its ok.

Is it ok for a 5 year old to share a bed with an uncle at the uncles insistence? A cousin? If so, where does it end? If not, then why not, since 'they are family'.

I find it terribly odd that people find it unnecessary to sleep with gps. I took it in turns when I was younger one gps one weekend the other the next. I had a choice of 2 beds at both and chose to sleep between my gf and gm at one and with my gm at the other.

I find this tbh

YABU about the bed sharing. As a child, I stayed at my GPs every weekend and shared a room with my great gran, who lived with them, but usually jumped in with my GPs when she needed sleep and couldn't put up with anymore of my inane witterings. Then when my auntie got a double bed I shared with her.

The toilet thing YANBU, I wouldn't let my children go alone at that age, 7 onwards fine. However, it's not a huge issue and I wouldn't cause a fuss over it, your PILs probably thought they'd be fine as the eldest DS would watch them.

Not every relative is going to abuse children though! If there was any thought that was the case you wouldnt let your kids with them at all. Abuse happens yes, but doesnt mean that you should distrust everybody. Bet your fil would be gutted if he found this out. Maybe the children were quite happen with the sleeping arrangements.

Lopp - sleeping with my Grandparents was a given, despite them having spare rooms! I don't remember if I slept alone with my Grandad at anytime, but that's because it would have been unremarkable. I also slept with Aunties & Uncles & cousins (of both sexes - some much older than me) - it was a treat :)

I don't think the youngest one should be going into the toilets by himself - he's too young. The 5 & 8 year old fine - in certain places but not in others.

I wouldn't say anything right now, but next time they have them, just say 'If DS2 or 3 need the toilet, can one of you please stay with them as DH and I aren't happy with them being unsupervised in public toilets' :) No need to make a big deal of it now.

Can I just say, I am NOT 'making an issue' out of this. It is not something I do, or have ever done in my family. It seems a bit strange (as other people's habits sometimes do! ) and I wanted to find out if this is the norm for other people.

It seems that it is normal for some people and that I don't need to worry about it.

Think I will drop something into conversation about the loo though.

Oh and I would have 'bagsied' sharing the bed with Grandparents - younger sibs wouldn't have got a look in!!

For all those saying its wrong and they wouldnt want their DCs sharing a bed with FIL or their Fathers - would this be a problem with a female Granny? Probably not I suspect and reeks of double standards. A GP doesnt need to share a bed, but why not if their DCs want to?!!!

I think, that a lot of this has got to do with posters own relationships with their own grandparents.

Whilst I love my grandfather, my grandparents were unhealthy in mind (NOT paedophiles) often scary, shouty and often strange.

I stayed with them often but would dream over entering their room, let alone their bed.

I automatically project this feeling when considering my own children sharing a bed with their grandparents.

Might this explain the divide between those who think nothing of it, and those who dont feel comfortable with it? Because of their own experience?

sweetscup Id have rather spent the night with the badger at the end of the garden than my grandmother.

I shared with my nannan til i was about 12. Even though there was a spare room with a perfectly good single bed in it. YABU.