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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re FIL sharing a bed with my DC?

180 replies

LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 20:23

I'm a regular NC for confidentiality.

Here is a bit of background so as not to drip feed:
My PIL are lovely people. I have known them for many years and am as sure as a person can be that they love my DC and would not intentionally harm them. They have just had my DC to stay for the weekend, to share some happy times and give me and DH some time alone which we rarely get and really appreciate. They have fed them, played with them, even washed their clothes. The boys have returned happy and safe.

During their stay, it turns out that DS2 (5) slept the whole time in FIL's bed - i.e. they put him to bed there and when FIL went to bed he stayed all night. DS3 (3) slept on the floor in the same room. DS1 (8) slept in another room in a double bed alone, with a spare bed in the same room - so there would have been plenty of space for his brothers to share with him.

I feel slightly uncomfortable about this. It just doesn't feel right. I wouldn't have wanted to share a bed with my grandfather, and I wouldn't want my own father (or mother) to share a bed with my DC either. AIBU to feel this way? WWYD about saying something?

I also have another concern. They all went out today to a farm park type place. Whilst they were there, MIL let all three of them go into the Men's toilets alone, without an adult. When they were in there on their own DS3 needed a poo, so DS1 left his brothers in there to go and tell MIL that he needed a bottom wipe.

I don't feel that a 3 and 5 y.o. are old enough to go alone yet. Apart from the obvious that DS3 can't wipe his own bottom yet, I'm not convinced public urinals are clean or that they'll wash their hands, and in the unlikely event that they met a 'nasty man' or even an older boy who was mean to them, they wouldn't know what to do. It just seems a bit short sighted of MIL to let them do this.

I really need to know if others would feel the same way I do, in which case I need to think very carefully about how to talk to my PIL about this without offending them.

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 18/08/2013 21:34

You proved my point Notta Grin

Original poster
LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 21:36

Sweetest, I wouldn't have wanted to share a bed with my Granny either. I stayed with my GP often and I had a very lovely cosy little bed of my own.

My understanding from what DS1 has told me is that FIL chose the sleeping arrangements and that the DC were not offered a choice but did not object either. They haven't expressed any view on it either way - just accepted it.

OP posts:
cjel · 18/08/2013 21:36

Tramadol - Sorry but yes seriously!! If OP has worries then she should be aware of things, It IS a desperate state when we have to be aware of these things as you say, but as someone else up thread said it is through experience that we get red flags about certain things and would have wished that someone at some point had followed their gut feelings and protected us.
I write this as a grannie to five who spent last night in the same bed as my 8 year old grandson.

OP was concerned and if she is concerned she should not go in guns blazing and accusing but just stay quietly vigilant. People who think that no one is a child abuser because they are blood related are a bit niave to say the least.

sweetestcup · 18/08/2013 21:36

Probably for some duck, as you said I think it all depends on the relationship!!

Libertine73 · 18/08/2013 21:38

My Grandma had a teas maid!! (sp) So being in with her was always a bonus! I loved her, and miss her terribly. GPS is such a special relationship, don't stifle it x

Original poster
LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 21:38

DUCK from reading this thread I think you're right.

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 18/08/2013 21:39

cjel what part of what the OP has written during this thread has made you think that she either considers her fil some kind paedophile threat towards her sons. Or is considering accusing her fil of such things 'all guns blazing'?

Because I havent seen any such suggestions from the OP at any point.

thebody · 18/08/2013 21:39

you either trust them it you don't. personally our house was musical beds when my kids were little.

I shared bed with my GPS as a child and that was a treat.

re toilet. they are boys can see why mil let them use men's toilet. that generation don't see paedos round every corner.

if you say anything what would you say? how would they take it and your potential slant in the sleeping thing? what does your dh think?

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 21:40

My grandkids sleep any where they like when they sleep here.Often in my bed.

anyone who thinks it's weird or odd can jog on.

CreatureRetorts · 18/08/2013 21:41

The thing is that the OP asked the question as she found it strange. So I would actually get my DH's opinion if I were the OP as he knows his parents best. If he thinks it's normal, then it probably is.

CreatureRetorts · 18/08/2013 21:43

OP, just ask your DH? And get him to ask FIL if need be. It's his dad we're talking about here.

OHforDUCKScake · 18/08/2013 21:43

"You either trust them or you dont"

Its bit trust.

Its about being comfortable.

I trust my mother implicitly but I wouldnt want her to stand in a bathroom with me while I pooed.

OHforDUCKScake · 18/08/2013 21:44

*not trust.

Original poster
LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 21:44

Oh crap I really didn't want this to turn into a 'paedos round every corner' thread.

I do trust them. I just didn't grow up bed sharing and I thought it was odd. I stand corrected!

I don't have particular 'paedo' fears about the toilet either. I do think though that my 3 and 5 yo need supervision in a public toilet. As I said, DS3 is the kind of child who finds trouble and could easily have had or caused an accident or locked himself in a cubicle or smeared poo all over his legs like he did at home last week . He is only 3!

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 18/08/2013 21:45

"i think if he thinks its normal than it probably is"

I agree with this.

OHforDUCKScake · 18/08/2013 21:45

YOU arent turning it into that kind of thread. Other people are.

Original poster
LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 21:46

Haven't had time to discuss properly with DH but he has similar views. He doesn't like to make a fuss though.

OP posts:
bluesbaby · 18/08/2013 21:47

It was normal for me to join my grandparents for a morning nap. I would never have stayed all night simply because they were old, needed their sleep, granddad used to use a bottle in the middle of the night (stinky!), and later, gran was disabled.

I still think it's normal though to share a bed, if they are close and you know your parents well. I guess, as sad as it is, not everyone's parents are lovely! If your DH has a good relationship with his parents I'd be inclined to trust them.

I know I could and would trust my own parents 100%.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 18/08/2013 21:48

You see my FIL and MIL sleep naked. No way I'd want my DD in there with them That just makes me feel uncomfortable and that it's inappropriate. But he's fantastic with my DCs.

My parents have always slept in pyjamas though and so do I. So maybe I'm uptight or a prude?

I do wonder why they didn't all sleep in the same room but suspect he wanted to be nearby if they woke upset. As others have said.

I also think the younger boys should have been escorted to the loo. I'd be worried the young one might try and eat the blue stuff in the urinal Grin Maybe I'm paranoid as my son age 4 swallowed a 20p last week though, so I put nothing past small boys right now. But he needs help wiping his bottom still and to make sure he washes his hands properly too.

cjel · 18/08/2013 21:49

Duck - the part where she was asking if it was ok and that she felt uneasy about it? what else did she mean? She has also said that grandfather chose arrangement and boys were given no choice?
I slept safely with my grandma, my H and I slept with our granddaughter and as I say I slept with my dgs last night, They came into us, were asked if they wanted to go back to their own beds or stay with us. Their parents did not feel uneasy about it.
OP is uneasy and that won't be because shes worried he snores!!!

garlicagain · 18/08/2013 21:50

I think it's well weird!

Different if there hadn't been enough bed space, but there was - and one child slept on the floor in FIL's room, despite there being two empty bed spaces next door with their brother? Confused

Please do ask your PIL why this was. Also, did your husband habitually sleep with his father? Until what age?

It was a bit daft of MIL to send them off to the loo alone, as well. She could at least have taken the little one to the Ladies (or behind a bush?!) If nothing else, I'd be reconsidering their ability to parent your kids responsibly.

trixymalixy · 18/08/2013 21:50

When my DC sleep over at my parents, DD seems to end up in with my Mum and DS in with my Dad, I have never thought anything of it. I have absolutely no concerns about it at all.

QOD · 18/08/2013 21:53

I'd be very torn to be honest. Whilst I trust both my dads, and my late fil, I have had 2 friends who had very very good reason to make me feel that it wouldn't be normal to share with grandad :(

The other family members are utterly oblivious, 1 gdad died when my friend was about 12 and she has never told her family.
The other, her grandma "knew" because she has a memory of her walking in the room and sayin "oh for goodness sake leave her alone" ... She also has never discussed with her mother and her Dgran found religion after her husband died and it was never, ever ever discussed.

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 21:53

Maybe mil thought the boys were ok to go into th he toilet together.

I wouldn't have a problem with that either tbh.

cjel · 18/08/2013 21:56

keeps nagging at me about the only one who slept on his own, rather than the ones all in together, why did one need the floor when there was a bed?

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