Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re FIL sharing a bed with my DC?

180 replies

LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 20:23

I'm a regular NC for confidentiality.

Here is a bit of background so as not to drip feed:
My PIL are lovely people. I have known them for many years and am as sure as a person can be that they love my DC and would not intentionally harm them. They have just had my DC to stay for the weekend, to share some happy times and give me and DH some time alone which we rarely get and really appreciate. They have fed them, played with them, even washed their clothes. The boys have returned happy and safe.

During their stay, it turns out that DS2 (5) slept the whole time in FIL's bed - i.e. they put him to bed there and when FIL went to bed he stayed all night. DS3 (3) slept on the floor in the same room. DS1 (8) slept in another room in a double bed alone, with a spare bed in the same room - so there would have been plenty of space for his brothers to share with him.

I feel slightly uncomfortable about this. It just doesn't feel right. I wouldn't have wanted to share a bed with my grandfather, and I wouldn't want my own father (or mother) to share a bed with my DC either. AIBU to feel this way? WWYD about saying something?

I also have another concern. They all went out today to a farm park type place. Whilst they were there, MIL let all three of them go into the Men's toilets alone, without an adult. When they were in there on their own DS3 needed a poo, so DS1 left his brothers in there to go and tell MIL that he needed a bottom wipe.

I don't feel that a 3 and 5 y.o. are old enough to go alone yet. Apart from the obvious that DS3 can't wipe his own bottom yet, I'm not convinced public urinals are clean or that they'll wash their hands, and in the unlikely event that they met a 'nasty man' or even an older boy who was mean to them, they wouldn't know what to do. It just seems a bit short sighted of MIL to let them do this.

I really need to know if others would feel the same way I do, in which case I need to think very carefully about how to talk to my PIL about this without offending them.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 18/08/2013 21:59

Maybe the boys were playing up and this was the best solution

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 22:07

Maybe the boys were squabbling and wouldn't go to sleep and FIL thought that was the best way to deal with it.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 18/08/2013 22:08

I'm surprised some people think its weird. I have lovely memories of snuggling with my grandma in bed. She had a 5 bedroom house but my sister and I adored being in her big bed, telling funny stories and just generally being spoilt. It was one big sleepover.

Original poster
LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 22:08

Doinmummy they weren't playing up - this arrangement was chosen before they even went to bed.

cjel there wouldn't have been room for them all in FIL's room. As I said upthread, I guess he kept the smaller ones in his room just in case they woke so he didn't have to get up in the night. That's the only reason I can think of, anyway.

It still seems a bit personal to me... unnecessary.

Thanks again everyone for opinions I am off now to discuss with DH Smile.

OP posts:
cjel · 18/08/2013 22:10

Candy, I agree and have memories from both sides, but OP is not sure and not everyones grandparents are as lovely as ours!!

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 22:12

Ops in-laws sound lovely to me, having all 3 boys for the weekend and taking them out to a farm park.

JackNoneReacher · 18/08/2013 22:14

Just ask him, perhaps he had a good reason for putting one boy on the floor when there was a spare bed and having one on his own...

Original poster
LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 22:15

They are lovely usual! Which is why I don't want to upset or offend them.

My own GP were lovely too, but I never shared a bed with them. I am not from a family where lovely person = share a bed. That is why it seems strange to me. But I have accepted that it is normal for many people so probably that is the same for my ILs.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 18/08/2013 22:20

The only way to find out for sure is to ask FIL, although I'd word it carefully

ImagineJL · 18/08/2013 22:31

I wonder if your FIL was a bit nervous about looking after the kids all night on his own, and decided to keep the little ones close just in case there were any problems, bad dreams, getting up and falling down stairs etc. For example, if either of my DS's are poorly I tend to bring them into my bed, so if they get worse I can be sure I'll know about it. It's just a kind of security for me, to know I'm close to them.

I would, however, have a problem with the toilet issue. I think your younger boys are too young for a gents without an adult.

Rubydoo80 · 18/08/2013 22:33

I don't see the big dealing sharing a bed, however that is just me. I am close to my family and it wouldn't bother me. When I was little I shared with my extended family members at times. Slightly different scenario, when I go to my parents house and use the bathroom I leave the door open. My DH however will not let me go in our bathroom even if hes doing a wee. People just have different life experiences and maybe aren't as close to their families so really you answered your own question when you said you felt uncomfortable by it.

As for the MIL, she probably just didn't think. It's been a long time since her kids were that age.

Punkatheart · 18/08/2013 22:34

I am a bit of of 'my bed is my kingdom' person. I believe in people sleeping in separate beds - so yes, I would find this uncomfortable. I did have to share a bed with my grandmother once and I really hated it.

Rubydoo80 · 18/08/2013 22:35

And I wouldn't broach the subject with the GP as it would come across that you think GF might be a paedo.
Probably just say 'oh by the way the boys sleep well at night together so don't worry about disturbing your sleep by having them in your room'.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/08/2013 22:36

For all those saying its wrong and they wouldnt want their DCs sharing a bed with FIL or their Fathers - would this be a problem with a female Granny? Probably not I suspect and reeks of double standards. A GP doesnt need to share a bed, but why not if their DCs want to?!!!

I would have a problem if the extended family member was male or female, grandmother grandfather aunt uncle or any other extended family member paternal or maternal.

For some family's it may be normal but for some its very much not. Its up to each individual set of parents to decide whats ok for there own children.

thebody · 18/08/2013 22:40

can totally understand op that if you hadn't bed shared as a kid then you would find this wierd.

however how in earth can you bring this up with fil without offending him. some posters have accused others of making this a 'paedophile or nasty feeling' thread and that was my take on your worries.

putting this badly but if some of us see that slant then you can becha fil will.

side issue don't pil sleep together?

still say you either trust them or you don't.

GladbagsGold · 18/08/2013 22:45

The bed thing doesn't seem odd to me - well it depends on the grandparents, as a child I grew up with a bed-sharing and a not-bed-sharing set of GPs, I can see why there is a split of opinions.

The toilet thing - well I hate letting my 8 yo DS go into public toilets alone and hover outside until he comes out. So if I had 2 younger boys I wouldn't want to send eldest in alone while taking younger boys into ladies. I don't know, its one of those things you have to just judge on the spot depending on the circumstances really. I would see a farm park place as a less threatening toilet than a shopping centre or train station loo!

Original poster
LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 22:46

Just a quick update before I go to bed myself.

Spoke to DH. He trusts his Dad 100% but agrees with me that on balance he'd rather the DC didn't share his bed. We aren't going to say anything now, but will probably say something similar to Rubydoo's suggestion before they go there again.

We think MIL knows not to let our 3yo out of her sight - she knows what he can be like. We think this was out of character for her and that she probably already realised she made a mistake (just as we all do from time to time). We're not going to say anything for now but will drop it into conversation in a cheery way before they next look after the boys.

Thanks again for all the replies. I told him the balanced response I'd had on here and MN went up in his estimation!

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 22:46

Yep you either trust them to look after their grandchildren and maybe do things differently to you.Or you dont.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 18/08/2013 22:51

I understand you are uncomfortable opinion but seeing as, as I type this , dd2 aged 4 is sharing her double bed with my mum, I don't think it is necessarily a problem.

I have a spare room full of junk and mum needs to sleep some where ...

Only you op know all the relevant info to judge this situation.

thornrose · 18/08/2013 22:52

This thread is so depressing I can hardly stand it.

People think its wrong for their children to share a bed with their grandparent?

That's your mum or dad you're talking about, or your dp's parents. Do you assume they are a paedophile until proven otherwise?

NapaCab · 18/08/2013 22:56

There's nothing necessarily wrong with it but it is a bit odd that there was a spare room with enough beds in it for all 3 boys. The 3-year old sleeping on the floor would bother me more to be honest as that can't have been comfortable!

Toilets, yes, I would have expected your FIL to take the 3 boys and supervise them.

If you love and trust your ILs though, there is nothing unsettling about any of it. Kids take funny notions after all and might have insisted on sleeping in grandad's bed for fun, going to the loo on their own ('Mum lets us*, we're not babies anymore' etc).

*Obviously you don't but they might have said that

ChippingInHopHopHop · 18/08/2013 23:01

Why does your DH think it's inappropriate?

It baffles me. If the child doesn't want to - fine, but I can't understand parents having a problem with it unless you don't like the person anyway, but if I didn't like them, they wouldn't be staying ...

Coconutty · 18/08/2013 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doinmummy · 18/08/2013 23:05

The point Napa made about your FIL taking the boys to the toilet made me wonder if you would be uncomfortable with this too OP

thornrose · 18/08/2013 23:07

Regardless of beds, ratios of children etc the only reason you would feel uncomfortable with these sleeping arrangements is if you suspect the in laws of inappropriate behaviour surely?

Would you feel ok it it was your own parents? Has your dh reason to believe his parents are suspect?

Swipe left for the next trending thread