Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re FIL sharing a bed with my DC?

180 replies

LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 20:23

I'm a regular NC for confidentiality.

Here is a bit of background so as not to drip feed:
My PIL are lovely people. I have known them for many years and am as sure as a person can be that they love my DC and would not intentionally harm them. They have just had my DC to stay for the weekend, to share some happy times and give me and DH some time alone which we rarely get and really appreciate. They have fed them, played with them, even washed their clothes. The boys have returned happy and safe.

During their stay, it turns out that DS2 (5) slept the whole time in FIL's bed - i.e. they put him to bed there and when FIL went to bed he stayed all night. DS3 (3) slept on the floor in the same room. DS1 (8) slept in another room in a double bed alone, with a spare bed in the same room - so there would have been plenty of space for his brothers to share with him.

I feel slightly uncomfortable about this. It just doesn't feel right. I wouldn't have wanted to share a bed with my grandfather, and I wouldn't want my own father (or mother) to share a bed with my DC either. AIBU to feel this way? WWYD about saying something?

I also have another concern. They all went out today to a farm park type place. Whilst they were there, MIL let all three of them go into the Men's toilets alone, without an adult. When they were in there on their own DS3 needed a poo, so DS1 left his brothers in there to go and tell MIL that he needed a bottom wipe.

I don't feel that a 3 and 5 y.o. are old enough to go alone yet. Apart from the obvious that DS3 can't wipe his own bottom yet, I'm not convinced public urinals are clean or that they'll wash their hands, and in the unlikely event that they met a 'nasty man' or even an older boy who was mean to them, they wouldn't know what to do. It just seems a bit short sighted of MIL to let them do this.

I really need to know if others would feel the same way I do, in which case I need to think very carefully about how to talk to my PIL about this without offending them.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 18/08/2013 20:58

Op are you worried that something inappropriate would happen. If so then I wouldn't be sending my children round there at all.

Original poster
LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 21:02

I'm relieved that so many of you see this as normal. Suggests that in some families it is the norm, and that makes me feel better about it.

I still think that it would have been the obvious thing to let all 3 boys share a room though (as 2 of them do at home).

MIL slept over at someone else's house (for a good reason).

I don't have a problem with the 8yo going in the men's alone. But I do think 3 and 5 y.o.s are too young to go into the men's (or ladies) without an adult.

OP posts:
frogwatcher42 · 18/08/2013 21:03

Doinmummy - thats exactly how I feel. I am comfortable that my FIL is 'safe' and as such I am happy for the dc to decide where they want to sleep when they are there. My dd loves sleeping with her grandad - although I think in real terms he doesn't spend much time with her as he is a late to bed person and an early riser!!

If I thought there was any risk then I wouldn't be sending the dc there at all - abuse could take place at any time in the day, not just in bed at night!

I would have expected somebody to go to the loo with them at the Farm Park though.

pudcat · 18/08/2013 21:04

Perhaps the grandparents thought the children would not go to sleep if they were all in one room. I used to have my granddaughters sleep with me in my bed, sometimes all 3 together.

CreatureRetorts · 18/08/2013 21:04

Yes they should really have all been in the same room.

That's what makes it odd to me.

And I don't think it's normal - not in my circles - for the GPs to share beds with the grand kids.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 18/08/2013 21:05

Mil was not there for the whole time? How odd.

cjel · 18/08/2013 21:05

I am sharing your concern about the reasons for this and although you find in laws lovely I think you should follow your gut and watch for anything else you are unsure about, not to say anything now but just to ponder. I would also be concerned about the separating of the older boy, that may be more of an issue for me!!! I wouldn't let my dgs go to the loo on their own at 3 and 5 that is still mixed toilet age!!! Not because of 'nasty men' but just because they are not able to use big loos properly at that age.!!

Original poster
LoppLopp · 18/08/2013 21:06

No, I don't think anything in appropriate would happen re the bed sharing. It just isn't something we do and I thought it a bit odd, especially as there were other empty beds in the next door room.

Yes I am worried that something could go wrong in the toilet. I'm not happy for my kids to be left unsupervised in a strange environment. DS3 is the kind of child who might stick his fingers in the hand dryer or stuff 1000 paper towels down the loo. Since MIL hadn't been into the men's herself, she hadn't any idea what risks were in there.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 18/08/2013 21:08

Perhaps letting them go into the loo alone was a bit of an oversight but I wouldn't go mad about it. I'm sure the grandparents would never deliberately put the children in harms way.

CreatureRetorts · 18/08/2013 21:08

Did you ask why he shared with your son? I would have done.

EasyMark · 18/08/2013 21:08

It doesnt matter if other people have a problem with this or not, if you do then you need to calmly talk to your inlaws.

Simply I would perfer the kids to sleep in one room together and you still need to supervise on toilet trips, thanks for having the kids they loved it :)

hotritenow · 18/08/2013 21:08

I always share a bed with my GC when they stay in my house.....they love sharing a bed with nanny...can't see what the problem is....

TramadolDaze · 18/08/2013 21:09

.............. I think you should follow your gut and watch for anything else you are unsure about

SERIOUSLY??? You think the grandfather is a closet paedophile who's only motive was to abuse the child? Oh God - I despair for humanity sometimes. And I shudder to think what this hysteria is doing to this generation.

Goldmandra · 18/08/2013 21:09

I would find it a bit odd that the FIL is sharing a bed with a child when there is another one available in a room with his own brother. The fact that this arrangement was instigated by the FIL, not the child, would make me feel uncomfortable and question his motivation.

If a parent didn't question this sort of thing, for fear of being seen as overreacting, and abuse was later revealed, people would criticise them and call them naive.

Doinmummy · 18/08/2013 21:10

Do the grandparents have any other grandchildren? What are the sleeping arrangements for them? Is there anything that causes concern for you wrt the grandad?

frogwatcher42 · 18/08/2013 21:11

Are you sure the grandad decided where all the dc slept - or did the dc decide themselves and he just went along with where they felt most comfortable. Mine decide where they sleep and end up spread out with oldest by herself, one with FIL, one with MIL sometimes or by herself other times.

Our situations are similar as my dc went to grandparents for a little while this holiday - one slept with FIL. MIL was away for part of it. Oldest DD slept by herself!!!

Doinmummy · 18/08/2013 21:12

Perhaps they asked the children where they wanted to sleep and they chose this arrangement themselves

sweetestcup · 18/08/2013 21:12

Tramadol, you and me both.

FriskyHenderson · 18/08/2013 21:13

I remember having to share a room with my GM and Step GF, even with a spare room next door and it was awful because they were loud, loud snorers and the teasmade went off at 5am for them to get up.

That said, the toilet thing is crap, how many 3 year olds can reach the taps?

OHforDUCKScake · 18/08/2013 21:13

I wouldnt want my children to share a bed with my fil either or my dad. Not that I think for one minute the are paedophiles (ffs?!) but because as a child (before I even knew what a bloodh peadophile even was!!) Id have rather slept on the floor with no covers than share a bed with my grandfather.

And my grandfather is a lovely man!

YANBU.

Doinmummy · 18/08/2013 21:13

X posts frog

sillyoldfool · 18/08/2013 21:14

My DDs often spend at least part of the night in bed with one or other of their grandparents when they go to stay, totally normal imo.
I expect you MIL just didn't think through the toilet thing properly, not a big deal imo.

CreatureRetorts · 18/08/2013 21:14

To all those who are saying yeah yeah whatever, it's fine... Please explain why a GP needs to share with a child and also, in the OP's scenario, why split the boys up like that?

Maybe I am too suspicious with good reason but I'd rather be safe than sorry. And for the record, paedophiles (seeing as that's what we're driving at here) are generally known to their victims - be it family members or friends of the family. So I'd be more concerned with this than say a random stranger looking at my kid a bit funny!

googietheegg · 18/08/2013 21:14

Yanbu. There is no need for your Ds to be in your fil's bed. It's just unnecessary. And I don't like the toilet thing either.

Doinmummy · 18/08/2013 21:15

Me too Sweet

Maybe the boys were playing up and this was the best solution

Swipe left for the next trending thread