to go over mil's head to give sil advice?

[CuteFeet]

Sil had her first baby yesterday. She's having some problems breastfeeding and is quite young and inexperienced. Her mum had several children, some of whom she breastfed and so on the surface is encouraging of breastfeeding. However obviously her own experience was a long time ago. I'm still feeding my toddler who mil thinks is overly clingy and she blames breastfeeding for that and I think, hopefully inadvertently, she may be discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding to prevent this with new grandchild. She keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy, she gave baby a bottle when sil was sleeping the first night, she had bought the bottles and they're a fast flow teat which obviously won't help breastfeeding etc. I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

"I think she is just trying to not pressurise her daughter".

I'm sure. And if by giving her baby formula she screws up her chance of functional breastfeeding (which as far as we know is what the OP's SIL was intending to do), well, it's no biggie is it?

"Sometimes breast feeding is crap."

Agree - especially when you're struggling with a baby who doesn't want to feed because they've got nipple confusion from being given bottles early on or because you've got problems making enough milk because your baby has had formula feeds given while you were trying to establish breastfeeding or because you've got mastitis because the rest you got from someone else formula feeding your baby a few nights after you came back from hospital resulted in your breasts becoming over-full and milk leaked out into the breast tissue resulting in inflammation needing antibiotics.

"I wish someone had told me that it really doesn't matter." It's not for anyone to tell you it matters or doesn't matter. That is a matter of individual opinion and belief, not of fact.

I have to say all this "leave her alone" stuff is incredibly depressing. No wonder people are feeling increasingly isolated and unsupported in the modern world. No wonder people struggle, lose confidence and faith in themselves if the majority of people say that the best thing for a new mother is to be "left alone" to learn how to do things with no support or help.

She knows she's a BF supporter. If she wanted advice, she'd ask for it. What I find more depressing is the fact that the world and his dog suddenly has an opinion on what you should be doing with your baby and it's feeding choices literally the DAY it is born in your SIL's case!

The OP is long gone, people.

Scared off, no doubt.

I think it's pretty pathetic people attacking the OP for offering help.

IF SIL doesn't want it, she wont accept it.

If she does she'll have a sigh of relief that OP has given her an opening and accept the advice with open arms.

I see no problem with texting someone and saying if they need a hand, I am here.

If the MIL knows that SIL wants to breastfeed, I think it was pretty tactless giving her baby formula. I am sure she was trying to help as SIL was tired, but really should have asked SIL if it was ok as it is her baby after all.

Will probably get flamed for the above, but whatever really.

Exactly, Shake.

And Don - I'm quite sure the OP is big enough to stand up for herself.

Sorry.

Also, assuming the SIL does want to breastfeed exclusively, she may be being completely boobytrapped by her own mother (the MIL who gave the bottle) as the SIL might just think "it's alright, she breastfed, she knows what she's doing, one bottle won't hurt", and so the slippery slope begins! An all too familiar scenario, I'm afraid, and then she'll be another one for the "I tried BF but my breasts didn't make enough milk" statistic.

OP should definitely offer some clear advice. If she wants to bottlefeed, fine. But if she doesn't, her baby shouldn't be given formula at this stage.

Sigh.

Op back.

Mil gave the baby formula while sil slept without her consent and told her it'd make no difference to breastfeeding which I disagree with. I know I'd have been furious if someone had done that with my child, well intentioned or not. Saw mil yesterday and sil was on the phone in tears about feeding so yes she definitely does want to breastfeed. She's been mix feeding and expressing, baby is unsettled and has a poorly tummy and won't latch on at all now. I sent the text but no reply yet.

:(

At least she knows you're there for her if she wants help - all you can do is wait. I hope she gets in touch.

Mil also worked in healthcare so am sure sil assumes she knows more than me. She advised her to feed her a few oz of formula first at each feed because she's 'such a big baby' (8lb) so will be starving and 'not patient enough to breastfeed at first' :-(

I'd have been fucking furious if someone had given my DC formula without my knowledge, especially at such a young age. And, yes, it would have ruined my trust in them. As far as I'm concerned, what the MIL has done here is far, far worse than what the OP is proposing to do. SIL's choice is the most important thing, but it's only a choice if she has the correct facts, and MIL is sabotaging that.

OP I would definitely send a nice text in these circumstances. She might not want help; but if she does, your reaching out could mean the world to her. I spent the first 6 weeks of DC2's life asking and asking for help with BF and would have loved a SIL like you. Instead I only had clueless doctors and well-meaning but only moderately less clueless health visitors. Bloody-mindedness and previous (easy) bf experience got me through it. If he'd been my first baby and I had a bottle-pushing MIL misinforming me, might have been different.

Bloody hell - she couldn't have sabotaged her better if it was deliberate.

Who's telling you all this, DH or MIL?

Fuck me, I'd have been livid if it was me trying to breast feed and then realised later what shit advice I'd been given.
Glad you've texted her OP, hope she gets back to you and manages to sort feeding however she wants

I would be furious if someone bottlefed my baby too OP, and your SIL will be so upset if one day she understands the 'mechanics' of breastfeeding and that adding formula into the diet depletes your supply (unless she's expressing as much as baby would drink).

What an awful shame. I really hope she gets in touch with you before it's too late.

She advised her to feed her a few oz of formula first at each feed because she's 'such a big baby' (8lb) so will be starving and 'not patient enough to breastfeed at first'

I will just never understand the logic behind these sorts of comments.

What do people think 'big babies' did for the 100s of 1000s of years before formula was invented....?

DD was over 9lbs at birth and managed just fine on breastmilk.

I agree my, just leave her alone both of you, and I am sure she will come to you if she needs help with bf, if se decides not to that is entirely up to her, and she should not be made to feel bad about it

Cute send her the text, let her know tat you are a peer supporter of bf and if she needs any help to let you know.

She obviously sounds like she wants to bf, or give her a quick call as sometimes texts get ignored, just say hi I can help if you wish and te it go from there

FFS OP that is dreadful advice from your MIL. I am currently (literally) bf my just over 9 week old who was 10lb 4oz at birth and is exclusively bf. What a load of bollocks..... too big for bf!!

I agree with piglet, give her a ring or even drop in if at all possible as it sounds like she is in need of some useful guidance.

Maybe even point her in the direction of LLL or NCT breastfeeding helplines if it would help from the MIL perspective so it doesn't feel as much like it is interfering DIL sticking her nose in when MIL is advising perfectly fine. Not that that is true but it may be what she is thinking.

I can't get my head around how many of the posts here where people are strongly encouraging the OP to keep her distance from a mum who wants to breastfeed but is struggling. This assumption that a new mum will always do the logical thing and ask for help in a coherent and straightforward way. In my experience postnatal mind-fuckery means the opposite - you are mentally in such an odd place sometimes you can't see what you should be doing from one hour to the next.

I think there is a lot of projection going on here - people who gave up breastfeeding and who can remember the relief of stopping but also maybe tinged with a bit of guilt and sadness still - focusing on giving advice whose primary purpose isn't to help the SIL breastfeed but to protect her feelings in the event she decides not to struggle on with it. I think on balance the majority of people who are encouraging the OP to stay away feel it's better for SIL to chuck breastfeeding in than to risk feeling any pressure to continue

. My feeling is that if the OP asks SIL the question 'do you want me to help you with this'? and gets a 'yes' answer she should be proactive in trying to help.

I'd be wanting to go over tbh.

Does she want/has she had visitors?

Ah. So now the OP should visit.

And yesterday a text message would have been an unwarranted intrusion.........

Bizarre!