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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go over mil's head to give sil advice?

233 replies

CuteFeet · 15/08/2013 23:06

Sil had her first baby yesterday. She's having some problems breastfeeding and is quite young and inexperienced. Her mum had several children, some of whom she breastfed and so on the surface is encouraging of breastfeeding. However obviously her own experience was a long time ago. I'm still feeding my toddler who mil thinks is overly clingy and she blames breastfeeding for that and I think, hopefully inadvertently, she may be discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding to prevent this with new grandchild. She keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy, she gave baby a bottle when sil was sleeping the first night, she had bought the bottles and they're a fast flow teat which obviously won't help breastfeeding etc. I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

OP posts:
Minifingers · 16/08/2013 14:31

No - there has been no comparison of breastfeeding vs formula feeding here.

But there has been a lot of talk about the OP having an 'agenda'. There is mention of her having 'an unhealthy investment in other people's feeding choices'. Also mention of women bullying mothers into breastfeeding. Also comments along the lines of 'ffs leave the poor mum alone'.

But no comparisons made of ff and bf, other than a reference to bf being easily sabotaged, which is true.

So why do you think there is a bf vs ff 'debate' going on here? '

curlew · 16/08/2013 14:32

If there is a breast/bottle debate on this thread it's in the overheated heads of the people who think that the OP is being bullying and out of order, and pushing her breast feeding agenda down her SIL's throat by sending her a text saying "Hi- hope everything's going well- can't wait to see my new niece! Don't forget that I've done some training about bf, so if you need a listening ear, I'm here any time. love CuteFeet"

Cravey · 16/08/2013 14:34

See curlew that's more what I meant. It seems that people went off on a tangent regarding breast feeding. To me anyway. And I agree with you in the sense of op dropping her sil a text saying congrats I'm here etc.

curlew · 16/08/2013 14:37

As I said, the tangent was entirely created and fuelled by the "leave the woman alone to bottle feed if she wants to" brigade. Incredibly rude and judgemental.

Cravey · 16/08/2013 14:41

Ah I get it. As is said each to their own IMO. Op sil is lucky though if she needs help and op is a bf peer.

thistlelicker · 16/08/2013 14:45

Sounds like your very pro bf which is really good! But you sil needs to make the informed choice as to what's best for her and her family and lifestyle! Congratulate her, and remind her of what your bf peer support is and let her make her own choice! She is an adult and also now a mummy leave her alone

curlew · 16/08/2013 15:05

I have to say all this "leave her alone" stuff is incredibly depressing. No wonder people are feeling increasingly isolated and unsupported in the modern world. No wonder people struggle, lose confidence and faith in themselves if the majority of people say that the best thing for a new mother is to be "left alone" to learn how to do things with no support or help.

midori1999 · 16/08/2013 15:11

I find it totally bizarre that the OP wishes to support someone in what she believes in their decision to breastfeed and is, for that, being told she has an 'agenda' (what? To help someone do what they want to do?) and is 'the breastapo' (or 'titty Taliban', whichever you prefer Hmm ) and being told to 'leave her alone' as though she's been or is intending to harrass her.

I do agree that, whatever her original intentions were, the OP's SIL may have changed her mind, but equally she could just need or want someone to help her or give her advice. I really don't see what harm a text could do? It's certainly not harassment.

Sacrebleu · 16/08/2013 15:26

Why is giving BF advice automatically equated with agenda pushing and seen "shoving it down her throat"??? If OP's SIL wants to BF but is having problems, chances are she'll be massively grateful. If not, she can't really do much harm with a text offering help. Perspective, people.

I wish I'd have told all the bottle pushers to shove off and stop ramming their anti-BF agenda down my throat in those early days.

TinyTear · 16/08/2013 16:04

i found worst and more offensive the formula pushers,

sleep problems? give formula
tired? someone else give formula and sleep
coliky? give formula

and so on...

Echocave · 16/08/2013 16:18

Are you v close to your sil? Because you sound very er interested in her.
Yes offer her support but honestly she's going to do what she's going to do and it'll go well or not irrespective of your input or lack of it. As I'm sure you know there are millions of reasons why it works well or less well and you're not going to be able to influence them all.
One thing strikes me about your post - you're itching to get involved because you don't like what you've heard about her mum giving a bottle. I just don't think it's any of your business to judge this ( unless she wants your help when you can say what you think about it).
I disagree with your comment about not seeing her for 2 weeks making it 'too late' to help out. I just think that's bollocks and confirms my view that you're far too keen to butt in.

diddl · 16/08/2013 16:20

I'm pissed off that the baby was given a bottle when SIL is trying to bfeed & I don't even know anyone involvedBlush

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 16/08/2013 16:24

Text her. Say "hi sil, hope ur enjoying the luvverly little one, do let me know if u need any help with anything"

Covered the base u want to without treading on any toes at all. Job done

curlew · 16/08/2013 16:27

"I disagree with your comment about not seeing her for 2 weeks making it 'too late' to help out. I just think that's bollocks and confirms my view that you're far too keen to butt in."

Oh, ffs! It's most certainly too late to help in the first few crucial days of breast feedingIf the woman wants to breast feed. If she doesn't, then fine. If she does then two weeks will be too late.

And why the fuck is a single supportive test "butting in"?

mynameisslimshady · 16/08/2013 16:29

I find it incredibly depressing that the very minute you have a new baby the whole world has an opinion on what you should and shouldn't be doing and doesn't seem afraid to express it.

I think that's even more isolating because it makes people unwilling to ask for help for help when they actually need it.

If you are lucky in the first few weeks you perfect the art of the smile and nod and carry on with your own method of parenting, if you aren't lucky you feel guilty for everything you do and everything you don't do because you are being judged all the time and that can cause huge problems.

Maybe the lady in question has told the op what she wants to hear, as many parents do, I know I've said 'oh I'll try that, thanks' over many different things out of politeness when I have no intention of doing whatever it is.

The fact is that ops MIL is there, actually helping, and is, by the ops own admission pro bf, although maybe not to the same extreme that the op is. The bottles and milk were in the house, I would assume that ops SIL knew that and was happy with it. She is also far more likely to speak to her Mum about how she really feels.

Its very easy to make plans about what you feel you should do when you are pregnant then have a complete turn around when reality kicks in so I would take whatever choices she made during pregnancy with a pinch of salt and take into account the here and now.

I can honestly say in the first few days, or even weeks of being a Mum if I had a text saying 'Oh hi how are you, if you need any bf advice you know I'm here' knowing the sender knew that my baby had a bottle and was very pro bf, I would roll my eyes and think 'fuck off' and I wouldn't go to that person for impartial advice because, in my eyes, they would be incapable of giving it.

Also since the op lives so far away what makes her better placed that the midwife who will be there daily, or the health visitor, or the doctor, or anyone else who can actually see and hear her feelings and problems, if, indeed she has any, to help?

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 16/08/2013 16:35

I think if someone other than my mum steamed in with bf advice on day 2 id think "ere we fucking go, i had it from the mw at booking in, the mw appointments and as soon as the baby left my uterus, ffs back off"

If someone approached it gently, letting me know I could go to them if I needed any help without banging on about bf specifically id remember and picj up the phone if I needed to

Sacrebleu · 16/08/2013 16:38

Oh yeah, because midwives, doctors and health visitors really give fantastic BF advice. Not in my experience.

It IS crucial to get the right support straight away, 2 weeks later will almost definitely be too late.

Threads like this are so depressing, no wonder BF rates are so effing low when anything in support of BF is labelled as "extreme", "agenda pushing" or worse. WTAF.

JackNoneReacher · 16/08/2013 16:41

I certainly wouldn't think of it as 'going over her head' who appointed her master and commander? You are well within your rights to offer friendly support. Just as your SIL is to decline it.

If someone had sent me a text saying "you know I'm here if you need any advice" I'd have bitten their hand off. No I wouldn't want the breast Nazis around but someone supportive with experience would have been great. Its a very easy text to ignore or just say I'm fine thanks theres certainly no need for a 'fuck off'

A midwife did visit daily but despite all the pushing of bf they all had a different opinion and were in and out in a whirlwind.

As for discussing difficulties with feeding with the doctor (?the GP?!) you are joking right?

And giving a baby a bottle while the Mum is asleep... how rude. I wonder if she still trusts her Mum.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 16/08/2013 16:48

Rude? For letting her exhausted dd have a bloody well earned sleep? Misguided perhaps, rude? No trust anymore? Not so much.

maddy68 · 16/08/2013 17:03

I think she is just trying to not pressurise her daughter. Sometimes breast feeding is crap. I managed fine ith my first, totally failed with my second.
I wish someone had told me that it really doesn't matter. Happy mums make happy babies. Instead of feeling I was a terrible failure

mynameisslimshady · 16/08/2013 17:04

I've had some great bf advice from doctors and midwives, not so much health visitors because I hated all of mine, but I know people who have had a lot of support.

There is nothing to say that the SIL didn't want her baby to have a bottle, she must have known the bottles and formula were in the house, the op doesn't know (or hasn't shared) the circumstances, so why everyone is saying its out of order I don't know. She may have asked for all we know.

Can you all honestly say you welcomed every bit of unsolicited advice when your babies were tiny? I'm damn sure I didn't, I knew the people who did things a certain way that I chose not to and had the carefully worded texts and calls that they had obviously spent time wording to make it sound less pushy. And yes I did think 'fuck off' because I knew what they were really saying.

FWIW I am very pro bf, I bf all my children, it was absolutely the right choice for me and my family. It doesn't mean its right for everyone.

binhome · 16/08/2013 17:12

Agree health professionals are not always as supportive of breastfeeding as they should be. As a naive 1st time mum i was bullied by "health professionals" to give dd a bottle as i was apparently starving her. No one suggested persevering with breastfeeding and topping up. I went on to have 2 more dc and dispite having similar problems at the start i was able to fully establish breastfeedin. Did come across a plain nasty nurse when dd was readmitted but i was stronger and wiser.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 16/08/2013 17:24

A text to send your love and generally offering help is fine. A text offering feeding support is crossing the line IMO.

NoComet · 16/08/2013 17:25

Unless SIL is under 16 it's non of MILS business, what you say to her.

Mochachocalatte · 16/08/2013 18:00

The baby was given formula on the first night? I thought that meant its gut flora was now changed forever anyway and breastfeeding will never be as beneficial to it again so imagine combined feeding would be fine from this point forward. I would encourage your SIL to definitely get the colostrum down the baby and to change the teats for the bottles of formula from fast flow.