To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

I just don't think he will stand up to them. He hasn't so far so I think I have to be prepared that that may not change

But he doesn't need to stand up to them. You can do that. I really don't understand what the problem is.

So far, MIL has been laying down the law and everyone's gone along with it. She has been perfectly honest and upfront. It's up to you Comp to make the change, not your dh.

If you don't like it, why have you gone along with it for four years?

You do know you can say no more they can't do a damn thing grandparents have no rights at all well not as far as I know unless things have changed recently.

Dh won't stand up to them cos he doesn't see it as wrong yet, but he will if you lay it out for him. Also expect him whining from the fall out when the arrangement is changed.

Me I've been there and mine can still fuck off as they still try it on.

If this was easy for you to deal with, you would have done something already as its obvious you are not happy about the situation.

It is a tough situation as there are implications on your day to day life with DH so it is good to think through your strategy.

I think your plan of making other arrangements on Sunday is a good one -it is a more gentle approach.

Great post, Christal. I obtained this zen like state of indifference in high school, after all.....why waste headspace on those who at best are indifferent to you or even actively nasty??

Ah Chrystal, I could have written that. Except my 'fault' is that I'm quite easygoing and have always been ready to do nice things because I want to, therefore have simply ignored any tactless comments or manipulation. The end result is the same: I feel I've been a total mug and am reaching that point of indifference, I think.

I think this is a bizarre situation and would be refusing to play from now on. I work so not seeing my kids on a Sunday wouldn't have happened, also I wouldn't be happy with my husband disappearing off for the day every Sunday.
I'd be looking to reduce it to once a month or something and they could maybe come round one evening during the week the other weeks for a couple of hours. Your husband sounds like the problem here though. Why does he want to spend 5 hours with his parents and not his wife every Sunday?

Why does he want to spend 5 hours with his parents and not his wife every Sunday?

Probably because his mother is the sort who will have hysterics, and make herself ill, so it's partly to avoid that, and partly so he can watch the footie and let his mother run round after DS. FIL probably doesn't care, and probably ducks out, also for a quiet life. All this makes MIL worse, who in her own way is trying to get some attention.

I hope you are having a nice sunday at the knights day, my boys would love it!

Yes, looking forward to hearing all about it

I think it is time to reassess the arrangement now that your DS is older. You are going to want to take him to events such as you have mentioned and he is going to get ivited to parties and what not soon. Are they expecting him to miss out on these things because of an arragement that was made when he was born. I also think that he is not their child, they are not entitled to access per se (though it is nice that they see him on a regular basis).

I would speak to them yourself about it, explain that now that DS is older the arrangment isn't working for him as he is missing out on invites from his peers and that you will need to make arragments accordingly.

If they don't want to have him earlier or later or another day then fine, he won't go at all that week and they can hopefully see him the next week - no?

I feel for you OP!
We're in the same kind of situation but no where at strict.
PIL have been coming down either on a Sat or Sun for the past year or so (they've had a car recently, FIL drives, MIL doesn't, they can only come down on a weekend as it would mean MIL catching a bus to see us, it used to be down to my husband to pick her up and take her home once a week on an afternoon as they both finished early)

Recently my husband has changed hours at work, so he's starting earlier and finishing later, our lg is starting nursery in a few weeks and i'm very overdue with our 2nd lg (being induced wed! :))
anyway, so we can't do weekends now, my husband is up very early and our lg is off to nursery so weekends i want to be fun (not stuck in with boring GP watching tv!) we have told them this.

This is where it's got messy :(
As MIL will have to make an effort to catch a bus (we don't live far, about 20mins) and be flexable, she cannot do this and we are being very awkward.

I had PND and Anxiety after i had DD1 so wasn't well. I have seen a counseller and been told i'm not very assertive..nearly 4 years later i'm ok now.
My husband has only recently found out how much i kept bottled up and not told him, so i talk to him alot more and he knows how i feel.

Thankfully he feels the same and has put his foot down regarding visits, how we have no time in a weekend at all and she will have to make an effort for once and has 5 afternoons to choose from, if she can't be bothered to catch a bus to see her grandchildren it's her fault not ours.

She hasn't been down in 3 weeks. Her loss.

Sorry for the essay btw! What i'm saying is you need to talk to your husband and tell him how you're feeling and how for 4 years they have been priority every sunday. YOU want to cook a roast dinner, go out and enjoy your weeknd. YOU are not being unreasonable.
Good luck OP :)

P.S i am on my phone so i'm really sorry for all the mistakes!

Totally ridiculous but now is time to put foot down as soon your DS will be invited to school parties at the weekend. I agree with other posters that your DH is the biggest problem, both he and his parents are being controlling.

I hope you had a great time watching the jousting and having too much a lot of ice cream. if you were at castle b. you were lucky with the weather.
have a look in your local shopper for stuff to do next weekend. maybe even just going swimming...

have to state this again op.. what in earth do your parents/ siblings think of your dh and this situation?

I just can't imagine staying silent like this if you were a dd of mine. your mil wouldn't know what hit her( not literally) if one if my dds was treated like you.

your a door mat girl!!!!

and as for your wimp of a dh!! Jesus!!

please come back op and tell us you had a lovely day.

also that you purchased a jousting stick to shove up your mils ....😄

What the hell happens at Christmas, OP? Do you have to go to them every year?

Pepp - they'ver alternated hers and his parents.
(and done both too, i think)

no christmas to themselves...

OP do come andtell us how it went yesterday :)

Any update?

Just read this thread and thought i would add my own experience/advice.

My PILs are bonkers too and this is exactly the kind of thing i would have been expected to do. Except i wasn't playing their game and had my own opinions - which wasn't allowed. So they banned me from their house for 2 years. MIL even suggested to DH (who actually suggested it to me as a ray of hope) that if i said i had brain damage and apologise (for what? insulting their xmas tree? not eating their eggs? fuck knows) then they may consider letting me back in the house . I then had DS during the 'wilderness years' and they were equally bonkers and DH suggested i express the milk so he could take the baby to visit - You'll be taking DS out of my cold dead hands was my response. They didn't come to our wedding. Eventually when DS was 5 months i agreed for DH sake to visit, just for an afternoon. We are now on friendly terms. BUT, and this is the key thing, they are MY terms. PILs have had to accept this. MIL has become 'ill', cried, ignored, sulked you name it. But nothing in my resolve has changed. I have been very light hearted and breezy. 'Haaha, no, of course we aren't doing that...oh look your azaleas are out' etc.

I do think you may have, by omission, become part of the issue. By opting out they may have inferred you aren't bothered, boisterous/self indulged people often will do. You have to make your presence felt. They may even have convinced themselves they are giving you a break - 5 hours child free time and not having to do a big sunday lunch/wash up etc. Have they ever had any reason NOT to think this?

Also it sounds like your DH likes it. Not that he puts up with it, but that he actively enjoys it. In which case he will not see what your problem is.

Them being cross is exactly the reason you have to stop this. It's time to take the power back. Let them be cross. Let them fume and rant and burn themselves out. The real problem you have is if your DH sides with them. Which is why you need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Really explain it. You could take DS on Saturdays for 5 hours to your parents and leave your DH to it, but would that work? Would your DH think 'result! 5 hours to do what i want today AND 5 hours to watch footie at mums tomo'. If so then you have an issue with him preferring and 'easy life' and opting out of regular family life with his DW and DS.

Do you woh? Does your DH? Are weekends the only time in the week you get to have together?

MrsKoala, sorry but the brain damage remark made spit out my wine!!

MrsKoala - how did you insult a Christmas tree? That sounds interesting. I once had a school friend sulk because I wasn't as effusive as I could have been about her tree - but we were not very old at the time.