To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

Better to rip this Band-Aid off now OP or your right - it will only get worse.

it's not as random as it sounds thebody. I had recently been diagnosed with csf rhinorhea after an earlier knock on the noggin. DH told MIL who said well that could explain my dreadful behaviour and weird things i'd been saying (ie nor agreeing with them - it must be brain damage of course!). DH got off the phone beaming, and said 'there may be a silver lining to this brain leak...' I WAS FURIOUS! The look on my face alone terrified DH and he thought i was being really selfish for not doing all in my power to 'fix things' (fix something that someone else broke . But when you've been brought up with this madness the only way to survive is to normalise it. It's everyone else fault for upsetting them etc. I realised he didn't have to agree with me (he never will), he just had had to believe me - i was NOT going to pander to them like he did.

break gently MrsKoala.. you stayed married to your dh and now see his family?

you are, as my kids say, a legend!! 😃

Crucru - apparently i said my mum decorated hers in red and gold, implying it was better, and I didn't gush over it enough - apparently it was the first time they'd had it up in yonks, just for my benefit, which i didn't know. Tbh it looked utterly shite . I said something like, ohh nice tree, i like all the different decorations, my mum is a tree nazi and only allows red or gold on hers hahaha' Dh and pils all laughed. But that's hw it went, they basically catalogued and mulled over everything i said, goaded me into giving opinions on race, immigration, free range eggs, smoking, drugs etc Then a year later out of nowhere called DH up and said i wasn't welcome anymore. i was as i thought we'd got on fine.

absolutely mental.

jokes apart that must have been really hurtful and awful for you Koala.

what is wrong with people...

Yes, but i was also full of righteous indignation, which basically made me stand my ground. MIL called once (as DH had told her even if they invited me back i was likely to say no) to not reinvite me of course, but to query why, i wouldn't leap at the invitation if and when they deemed to issue it. i was ice cold and told her straight. She of course turned on the waterworks and started playing the victim - ie how could I be so cruel etc and i told her she was the architect of her own misery. After that the power was all mine.

honestly you are a bloody legend.

MrsK, you are the only other person I have ever 'met' to have been excluded from IL life on the grounds of insulting the Xmas tree- I made the mistake 2 years ago of asking why they had it in a particular location !! been ostracised ever since by FIL. do I care, no not really, his loss not mine or DH's, and the DDs are not bothered either way emoticon

Holy crap, there are more of them out there! Perhaps we should start our own support group...umm...the xmas tree xcommunicated...or something

Personally there was a "scheduled" visit it would need to be during the weekdays or I'd say no altogether....weekends are important mom/dad/children time IMO. I say that as someone who invites inlaws and parents to all kinds of weekend activities but its not an expectation.

He's your child not theirs. If it were me, I'd put an end to the whole arrangement. Your DH needs to grow some.

Ironically, many access rotas in separated families are just as ridiculous as this. It's decided that a child will see their father on x/y/z days at very specific times, and this is strictly adhered to, to the point of insanity sometimes, where you get "children" of 17 years and upwards, having to fit their lives around "set in stone" arrangements that were out in place when they were young children.

I concur with mrsk in relation to your DH appearing to enjoy his Sunday's etc. I think she ha some good suggestions for addressing the situation.
Are you able to update about the weekend? Either it was "jousting day" (which I suspect might be this coming Sunday) or you might have had some feedback about how your plan was received.

Did the OP ever come back with an update?

(I bet they never went jousting but did the sunday lunch with PILs as usual and OP is too ashamed to admit it)

I was under the impression the museum trip is this coming Sunday, not the one just gone.

Have I misread that then?

I too love mrsKoala and may be channelling her in three saturdays time!

Ooops, well then I am ready to take that back.

Go on, OP, you can do it. Stand up to your dh then get back to us and tell us how it went.

< nosey >

I cannot believe that they think they have 'allocated' time with DS!! Do your parents get such 'allocated' time? And if not, perhaps DH would like to take the two of you over every other weekend on a Sunday and have no lunch cooked for him?

These rigid once a week events are fine if they suit everyone concerned. They are not fine if they are so one-sided. It is madness that you can't even go to family celebrations on a Sunday because of this.

The effect on DS is frankly unhealthy emotionally. He is already more aware, in that he can say visits to the GP'S are boring. He knows granny shouldn't call herself mummy but she keeps doing it. He will soon realise the animosity between them and his mum, and wonder why she doesn't come to the GP'S.

I think cutting down to maximum of two Sundays a month, and/or the odd time during the week when they can come to see DS at his own home. You know they won't come in the week. The more they kick up a fuss, they lose another Sunday. I agree with the poster upthread who said the most important reason for not having him monopolised every Sunday was because you want to spend time with him. You shouldn't need to justify that or arrange specific things with the sole aim of putting off the GP'S, arrange them because you want to enjoy the time together. Who knows, perhaps DH might start to enjoy his Sundays with DW and DS. I think he is stuck in a rut going to the parents rather than rocking the boat.

I think it is strange that you've gone along with it for so long. It's a bit pathetic that you've been waiting on your PILs to change the routine (in effect since you've been so passive) and moaning about it. It really is quite an insignificant problem you have. You say "no" and that is it.

Journey did you mean to be so rude?
OP I hope Sunday went well. They took advantage at a time when you were vulnerable. That is pathetic of them. Your husband isn't supporting you. Well done for challenging this arrangement.

It is very easy to sit at your computer keyboard and pontificate (somewhat nastily) about what a poster should do, Journey, but families are rarely that simple, as anyone with any empathy would know.