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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my parents

353 replies

embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:40

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 09/08/2013 07:42

YABU. Read your last paragraph.

Sleepyhead33 · 09/08/2013 07:45

Well I suppose your last two sentences are correct aren't they.

By emigrating, the family who have chosen to o that are actually placing a large financial burden on the family left behind so I do think it can be quite a selfish choice o make if you are expecting hem to pay these large costs every few years. Costs they wouldn't have faced had you not emigrated.

NewAtThisMalarky · 09/08/2013 07:45

YABU. They do have every right to go where they want and pay for who they want. They wanted to pay for you, but you declined.

Is this a reverse AIBU?

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:46

Really Zachary ? It just feels like a location matters more to them than seeing the grandchildren.

OP posts:
bemybebe · 09/08/2013 07:47

Accept the consequences of your choices without being bitter. I am sure Australia is worth it for your family.

Vivacia · 09/08/2013 07:47

YABU.

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:48

No it isn't a reverse. I declined because my DCs simply cannot travel that far and they know that. The rest of the family would be travelling 13 hours, whilst my family would be travelling 23 hours which doesn't seem fair.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 09/08/2013 07:50

It must hurt you but you are being unreasonable.

Florida us a dream destination for many people with children, that is your parents dream to do this with their kids and grandchildren so you have to respect that.

bubblesausage · 09/08/2013 07:50

Yabu I agree that you chose to emigrate and that as DP's are paying they have every right to choose where they go, you were given the opportunity to join them and turned it down (for whatever reason).

livinginwonderland · 09/08/2013 07:51

YABU. I was born in Oz and we moved to England when I was 2, and we have never expected family to pay to visit us! It's bloody expensive to fly to Australia, and it's a long flight, especially for older people.

Your parents offered you a free holiday in Florida so that all the family could meet up together. You declined - your choice, but don't expect them to change their plans just becuase you don't want to fly that far. You chose to move to the other side of the world - you need to accept that that will always affect how often you can see your family. They didn't ask you to move there, so why should they pay £2000 odd a time and spend 24+ hours travelling to come and see you?!

ArgyMargy · 09/08/2013 07:52

Tend to agree with bemybebe. My MIL emigrated to Inverness 4 years ago and I haven't been to see her yet. And I'm not bitter... GrinGrin

Eyesunderarock · 09/08/2013 07:52

YABU.
You know that. Sometimes you can't have everything you want all the time.

kinkyfuckery · 09/08/2013 07:52

YABU. They offered, you declined.

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:53

But they are making a choice that will mean they cannot afford to come out and visit their grandchildren for years. Paying for three large families to go to Florida will not be cheap. Yes I am very, very hurt on behalf of my DCs who know that they are all meeting up without us, but it appears IABU.

OP posts:
NewAtThisMalarky · 09/08/2013 07:53

The reason I thought it might be a reverse was your final paragraph. I find it odd that someone could write that in all seriousness about their patents.

LooplaLoopy · 09/08/2013 07:54

I see why you're sad, but yes, you are being unreasonable. (Florida is horrible though by the way)

Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:56

Newatthis why? genuinely interested.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 09/08/2013 07:56

Well they obviously like the idea of seeing the grandchildren in Disney and who wouldn't?
The thing yabu about most is to turn down the chance of a lovely holiday with the whole family just to avoid a long flight!
Yes it's a bit stressful but many do it and its worth it.
You must have managed a long flight to oz originally.

AnneUulmelmahay · 09/08/2013 07:57

Have you all missed that two of the DCs have special needs and could not cope with the flight to Florida, and that alternative destination suggestions rejected?

Embracethe, this is one of those suck it up moments I am afraid.

Chubbymomie2012 · 09/08/2013 07:57

YABU

why can you not go? the flight time is long but its a holiday of a life time and a chance for your children to meet and bond with their cousins. its a chance for you to catch p with your family and most of all its the realisation of your parents dream!

wise up!

BlackholesAndRevelations · 09/08/2013 07:58

Yup you are being very unreasonable. It WAS your choice to emigrate. And if they want to go to Florida then they bloody well can and should. When thinking of emigrating, surely you weighed up all the pros and cons, one con being that it'd be very expensive and difficult to see family.

diddl · 09/08/2013 07:58

Surely if your parents are paying, they choose where to go?

Could you not have done a stopover somewhere?

It sounds as if you think that your wishes should come first because you are the ones who moved away?

toomuchtoask · 09/08/2013 07:58

Yabu. You chose to emigrate. You chose to say no to the holiday. FWIW once you are in the air why would a couple of more hours make a difference? You are fine with las Vegas (not at all child friendly) but not fine for Florida. Bizarre. You sound extremely selfish to be judging your generous parents.

Eyesunderarock · 09/08/2013 07:59

Your children are not their only grandchildren, and they wanted to do something for all of them. Your siblings could grump about the amount of money they spend visiting you, and that it isn't fair. Do they?
No one 'needs' a holiday away from home, they are indulgences and special treats. Which is what your parents are giving their family.
You don't mention if your siblings visit, or your ILs. Did you deprive your children of a relationship with your husband's family?
Or do they live in Oz?

geologygirl · 09/08/2013 08:00

YABVU

They made a very generous offer and you suggested other locations....although I'm not sure why you can get to vegas but not florida!

Yes the flight would be long but surely you could have made the effort to see them and your siblings. You seem to want it all your way and are being very unfair.

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