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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my parents

353 replies

embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:40

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 09/08/2013 08:14

Sorry but yabu.

Your last paragraph on the OP is true!

You did chose to emigrate. You chose to put location above the chose of living near grandparents and having regular visits. That was your own choice and you have to live with the consequences of that. In a few years time tour parents may be unable to travel. You have already mentioned health issues. Will you then consider the flights home to see them? You don't need to do it all in one go - have a stop over. My SIL is Australian but lives in Uk. They take their two young girls to Australia every couple of years to see relatives. Theyve done so since the youngest was a vey small baby. Granted the girls have no special needs but even so with careful planning surely it is possible. Other people do manage it if they need to, making extra allowances. If they can manage an 11/13 hour flight, then do two of them and split the trip. The other consideration is whether you pay for your parents to visit you if they are able - something else my SIL does.

And yes of course your parents can chose to holiday wherever they like and whenever they like and with whoever they like!!! Maybe they just want a holiday with all their children and grandchildren, not just you and yours, for one time. This is not unreasonable!!! It's not their fault you chose to live at the other side of the world after all.

SilverOldie · 09/08/2013 08:14

YABU. You chose to move to Australia, they have chosen to pay for the family to go to Florida which you have declined. No, it won't be cheap but that is their affair, not yours.

Re your last paragraph, Of course it's their right to do and go wherever they want. Why would you assume otherwise?

fluffyraggies · 09/08/2013 08:14

OP what about a stopover? As others have suggested. I don't have any experience of caring for SN children on long flights, but there seems to be lots of good advice here on the subject, and more if you ask i imagine.

Would you reconsider? Is it too late?

mynameismskane · 09/08/2013 08:15

What a shame you STILL cannot see how unreasonable you are.

I really really hope your parents and siblings have a wonderful holiday together and I really really hope they don't let your entitled, selfish attitude get in the way of that.

fluffyraggies · 09/08/2013 08:16

Xposted, but still - if you can get as far as vegas maybe florida IS dobale with a stop over?

MaryPoppinsBag · 09/08/2013 08:16

You cannot dictate where they go on holiday, however, I can't understand why they cannot use the money that they have saved by your family not going to Florida to come and visit you in Australia and meet your daughter for the first time. It seems like they are punishing you for not towing the line.

Seems sad and I cannot imagine my PIL who have a son in NZ doing that.

NotYoMomma · 09/08/2013 08:17

own your decisions

should have gone to Florida

DontmindifIdo · 09/08/2013 08:17

The bit that confuses me and makes me think the grandparents ABU, is that they obviously have the funds to fly a family of 6 from oz to Florida and pay for hotels, disney etc yet because the op has turned it down they have basically said there's no money for gps to visit her- it can't cost more for two adults to go from uk to oz and then stay with family for free than flying 6 people to Florida and paying hotel costs. That sounds like foot stamping because the op won't do their big holiday plan.

However op, is there no way you could do the Florida trip? I imagine it's going to be a very long time until you see your siblings again. If your dc can cope with a 13 hour flight, then it's not that much further.

Hulababy · 09/08/2013 08:18

Whilst I don't have m own child with SN I do know people with children with SN who do haul haul flights. DH works closely, who i also know, with a woman and she has a severely autistic son. He is now in his late teens. But they have a place in Florida and go there at least once a year. She says it isn't easy in tbe slightest but manageable and worth it, for her and her son, once there.

I know all children are different but it is not that unusual for children with SN to travel.

You also say that your child can do long haul as suggest alternatives. Why would a bit further be so much different?

lottiegarbanzo · 09/08/2013 08:19

They are not thinking 'how can we make this perfectly fair' but 'how can we take the GCs to Florida'.

They may think that if you can fly for ten hours you could do a second flight too. As you're refusing that, they may think that you don't really want to fly at all or might pull out.

Eyesunderarock · 09/08/2013 08:19

Yup, I have a couple of Aspies and there have been numerous family occasions that they either haven't attended over the years, or they had a couple of hours and we left.
We've never been abroad as a family, or on a commercial flight. Combination of inclination and poverty.
That doesn't alter the fact that your parents have the right to treat other members of the family to whatever they wanted. You are not the priority at the moment. You need to accept that or you will spend years being bitter.
What about your in-laws? Where do they live?

Mendi · 09/08/2013 08:19

I can understand why you feel sad, but YABVVU. Your last paragraph has the air of teenage foot-stamping about it. You've chosen to emigrate, your family did not make that choice for you and presumably were sad thy you chose to go. You don't get to impose that on them AND dictate how they allocate their travel resources around the rest of the family. If you feel so strongly about your parents seeing your kids, but can't afford 6 x flights (and your DS won't do the flight anyway) then why don't you save up for 2 x flights and offer to pay for your parents to visit you?

Hulababy · 09/08/2013 08:21

Las Vegas would not be suitable for a big family group of children, especially two with autism, surely?! Florida is much more suitable destination.

Is the stop over really not doable?

Groovee · 09/08/2013 08:22

I do think when you choose to emigrate, that you then have to accept that people won't always manage to come and see you. You've never tried to come for a visit back to the UK.

Your parents obviously want to have a holiday to Florida and you have declined. You can't expect them to change the location because you don't want to fly that far.

My dad has a daughter who often throws strops that people don't come to visit her in Oz. But she chose to emigrate. You can't force people to visit you.

georgedawes · 09/08/2013 08:23

But surely this was your choice by emigrating to Australia?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 09/08/2013 08:24

I do have a DC with SNs, however I have never tried to take him on a longhaul flight (he loves shorthaul). Is it possible that because your parents are on the other side of the world from your DCs they have not fully grasped the impact of the SNs?

Paying for the entire family to visit you in Oz is obviously one solution, but presumably it's only a two week holiday and that is a very long way to come for two weeks - I guess your parents can come for longer visits, but your siblings presumably have work and school to consider.

I know you could not have predicted the SNs, but I agree with so many others when they say that you chose to live on the other side of the world, not them. I really feel for your parents.

fluffyraggies · 09/08/2013 08:24

I have 3 DCs, and when they are grown up with kids of their own i will want to meet their children at least once.

I cannot picture me spending a fortune on going to a set location - set in stone - telling everyone the plan - saying ''i'll pay for those who can come''

... and then say to those who feel they can't - '' hope you realise i wont be seeing you for years!''.

I know OP is being a bit tunnel visioned, but i find the parents attitude odd.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 08:25

can you imagine how much it has cost them every time they have come to visit you?

can you understand the limited funds older people have? even if they seem to have loads to you the pot is getting filled anymore it is being spent right?

your choice has cost them a lot of their retirement fund i'd imagine and they perhaps feel guilty for so much of their money and holiday time having been dedicated to you and your choice and want to offer something nice to their other grandchildren.

and the dramatic language about 'trauma' is silly. yes there are parents with children with special needs on this thread - many of whom have given you advice on how to travel that you've chosen to ignore.

i'm afraid i agree with whoever said you're content to play victim rather than look for fair solutions.

bemybebe · 09/08/2013 08:26

What were you planning to do in Las Vegas OP? I have been there and it really isn't a child-friendly place

cantreachmytoes · 09/08/2013 08:27

I don't think YABU in being upset. It is upsetting to be told that the GPs won't be seeing you because they're spending money on the others.

YANBU not wanting to do a 23 hr journey with four children, two of whom have SN, but I'm not sure flying to LA would have been any better really.

I am not sure why they could afford two adult and four kids tickets from Australia to Florida, but when not buying them, can't afford two tickets UK to Australia. Presumably they stay at yours when visiting so have no accommodation expenses - which again, they'd be paying on your behalf in Florida.

So you think that perhaps your parents are a bit fed up of coming to Australia to visit, regardless of how much they'd like to see you and the children and that the money is always spent doing the same thing, by which I mean flights there? I say this as someone who has lived abroad for an extended period and every time there's a holiday, our money (and holiday time) is spent going to visit relatives who don't visit us. We want to see them, but sometimes it would be nice if that money cold be spent on something else that we want to do.

May it also be possible that the email came after they'd been stewing about you suggesting an alternative location? Perhaps they found that upsetting/rude as they were offering a trip to Florida specifically, not somewhere else.

I can see why it's upsetting for you. As many upsides as there are to living abroad - especially Australia - there is very often a price to pay for the émigrés, particularly when it's so far away.

Maybe ask your family not to mention it too much in front of your DC (on Skype) and try and do something special (doesn't have to be expensive!) with them instead.

diddl · 09/08/2013 08:30

OP-you seem to think that everyone should come to you because you are in a holiday destination.

Maybe it's not a place they are interested in.

How many times have you been back to UK?

My sister is in a holiday destination & the only time we see her is if we all go there,

It's a nice place, but we're frankly sick of going there now & of the effort all being on our part.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 09/08/2013 08:30

I just think that it is probably a long held dream of your parents to have their entire family together for a holiday, but the obvious consequence is less money in the pot for future visits to Oz, even if the OP's family don't join the holiday - perhaps future funds would have been even more limited if they had been able to come, but they would have had the holiday of a lifetime to look back on.

Ledkr · 09/08/2013 08:31

Op the flight from Australia to Las Vegas is hardly any shorter than to Florida.
Me thinks you is just being awkward and wanting it your own way?

CheeryCherry · 09/08/2013 08:32

YABU, and thinking soley of yourself and not your parents. They wish to treat the family. It's not their fault you moved to the other side of the world.
FWIW I work in a special school and our children, with severe autism plus other medical issues, have travelled regularly to Florida, Pakistan, Canada and New Zealand. With planning it can be done. Just depends how much effort you're prepared to put in.
Have a rethink...its the opportunity of a lifetime, there are ways to make it manageable. Have no regrets.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/08/2013 08:32

fluffy the parents attitude does seem a bit odd, but in view of how stubborn and entitled the OP is being on this one issue - who knows what has gone before and perhaps upset them in the past.

OP - you decided to emigrate, you need to bear the consequences of that. I live in a holiday location - bully for you. Why should the rest of your family have to holiday there instead of Disney just on your say so?

Are your DH's parents in Oz?

As for saying that your DCs know that the others are going without them, the only person to blame there is again, you. Why on earth did you tell them?