To be upset with my parents

[embracethemuffintop]

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

Off the top of my head:

Florida has Disney, Universal Studios, waterparks

Vegas has casinos, marriage chapels, desert

Thailand has ??? Backpackers? Completely different culture, food, language, making it a tricky destination, I wouldn't want to take young kids there.

I can totally understand why they don't want to take the grandkids somewhere other than Florida. Loads of adverts on TV about taking your kids to Disney, not many about Thailand, are there? So Florida or nothing. You are choosing nothing, that's your choice, so stop moaning about it.

Someone made the very good point that this is about their holidays. You see it as being about visiting, they see it as being about holidays. They've spent lots over the years devoting long, expensive holidays to spending time with you. Now they want to spend some of their holiday money and time on their other GCs too.

You know there will come a time when they can no longer face or tolerate the journey to Australia. They may believe they have years of choice ahead, or, they may already be feeling daunted.

And yet another pointless AIBU! If you are so sure YANBU op, then why did you bother coming on here to ask?

So your parents want to their all their grandchildren in a holiday that has always been a lifelong dream of your dad's.

You rudely told your parents that dream doesn't suit you and they were being selfish because they should be thinking only of your kids (instead of all of their grand kids? And abandon their dream holiday?)

And now you're hurt because they've said they will in the future need to reduce their visits to Australia.

I think the travel is getting too too much for them.

I think the way you expect these visits of them and then emotionally blackmail them if they object is also getting too much for them.

Imagine the amount of money they've spent on your kids instead of your siblings' kids in airfare AND time. Or do they also holiday with your siblings weeks at a time?

It's like someone in Scotland being invited with all the kids to Legoland and them saying they don't want the long journey so perhaps everyone could come to Edinburgh, or maybe York instead.
As nice as they are, they're not as exciting for the kids by miles.

Oh and there is definitely not a 10 hour difference between Vegas and Florida. From Perth the Florida is 23 hours and Perth to Vegas is 19 hours. There is about 4 hours difference which is nothing when you have already been on a flight for 19 hours. Plus, as many have suggested here, you could stop sonewhere in between.

Sorry, but it really comes across as you throwing your toys out of the pram because everything is not revolving around you and your family.

Actually, iismum OP said: AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?
They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that

Posters have responded to these questions, and the over-riding view is that 1) regardless of siblings financial status, the GPs have offered to take the whole family on a holiday - presumably Disney - and it IS unreasonable for OP to be saying that it is unfair for them to make such an offer. 2) that OP is totally out of line to infer that GPs " right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want " is in any way wrong.

I also think the responses would have been more tempered in regard to the SN issue if OP had not said she offered to fly to Las Vegas. Patently, if the children can travel that far, then Florida could be handled as a second leg. She can't have it both ways.

The holiday is not just about you, OP, it's about your parents wanting to see all their grandchildren in a fun, kid-friendly location. Your dad has dreamed of taking them to Florida for years - he's finally in a good position to be able to pay to take everyone, which is a lovely thing for him to do, and you're complaining because it doesn't suit you?

If your kids can't fly at all, then why are you suggesting Vegas as an alternative? Vegas is four hours from Florida - if they can fly to Vegas they can fly to Florida!

In support of OP, I have some sympathy! Firstly, her parents are in 60s. Hardly elderly do why should flying to oz be an issue for them? Secondly, Florida isn't particularly nice so totally acceptable to think of other options. I hate the way gp try to get control by paying for things. My pil booked a holiday for us all to France when I was pg even though they knew dd would only be 3 weeks old (if she even arrived on time). Were v miffed when we didn't want to go as they had been so 'generous' even though they knew we would not realistically be able to go. Gp often wield money to get their own way!

But it was your choice to emigrate so far away and you can never do that putting the onus on others to spend their money and time to make sure you all still see one another. Being apart for many years on end is the risk you take and something you must factor in when you
make that decision to go to Oz.

I understand that you are disappointed about their choice of venue, and if it were me treating all of my children together I think I would have made more effort to pick somewhere accessible for everyone. However, your parents particularly want to go to Florida, and that's their prerogative. You will just have to suck it up I'm afraid. It sounds as though they have become closer to your other siblings and their children but again that is sort of inevitable when you choose to move so far away - that situation has been created by you. No point being bitter towards them for it. I'm sure they'd rather you hadn't gone, but you did.

buba you have said what i've been trying to say. It's about honesty somehow. I feel the GPs have laid a guilt trip on the OP.

Gps have said: ''due to the huge expense of the Florida holiday we will have to reduce our visits to Australia to see your DCs.''

I mean what exactly is that all about? Why say this? It doesn't make sense.

What ever you think about OPs attitude ... (and i think she is just having a rant here, and we cant tell her she CAN get her kids on a plane) ... it would have been an even huger expense for the GPs if OP had gone to Florida. So she's saved them (allot of) money actually. But they're saying they'll not come to Oz for a long time because of money. They havn't been for 3.5 years as it is.

I'm not saying they must go to oz every x no. of years. The OP doesnt seem to be saying that either. They are aging now, and it is a big and expensive deal for them. But i still don't blame the OP for being a bit upset. Why didn't the GPs just say - look, sorry you wont/cant come to Florida. We're going to go with the rest of the family anyway this time. Oz is too far for us for the forseable future (if that's the real case). We need to make another plan.

I'm just so shocked at how ungrateful the OP is being, her parents are offering to pay for her entire family to go to Florida, that must be thousands, and all she can do is complain?

If I felt I couldn't go I would still be thanking them for such an amazingly generous offer. They must be wishing they hadn't bothered in the first place to get such kindness thrown back in their faces.

yummymumtobe

1. yes, they may not be too old to fly, but it was the op's choice to emigrate to oz, so why should the GPS always have to fork out to go and see them. Flying to Australia is not cheap!
2. Florida might not be that nice in your opinion but it is where the ops parents have always dreamed of going, and bringing their grandchildren with them. So that point is irrelevant.

Perhaps the grandparents are feeling hurt and upset and annoyed too.
Perhaps they feel that all the giving and flexibility has been on their side.
When you told them you were emigrating in the first place, what was their response?

It sounds like a last ditch "lets get all the family together in one place before we're too old" holiday to me. They wanted to blow some money on treating your siblings and their families as well as getting to see you and your family at the same time. I assume all those families to Florida was cheaper than all families to Australia to "visit" you,and also a very nice destination for all the grandkids to boot.

I think they are probably just as hurt as you are feeling.

Doing this holiday would have been a way of killing two birds with one stone. As you have decided it is not possible,I fail to see why you cannot understand why they want to go ahead with it anyway (they have other grandchildren they don't want to dissappoint)...and that it will mean that visits to you will not be possible any time soon,due to the amount they are spending going to Florida.

Are these your children's only grandparents?

Actually Buba I agree with you on your last paragraph too, and I wonder if there is not an underlying issue here?

Maybe the OP suggested that they do out there soon after Florida and they have said that two expensive long haul holidays close together are out of the question, but they will come again at a later date? Depends on the exact wording really to be able to judge the actual meaning, rather than just the OP's interpretation.

yummymumtobe

Sure, 60 isn't that old, but a flight to Australia is a lot more taxing than one to Florida, and OP says herself that her parents have had health issues recently. It's very unfair to guilt someone into flying 24h to a country you CHOSE to move to.

Like it or not, your sibling's children are bound to be closer to your DPs than your own children. That is a choice you made. Your DPs are seeing those children grow up day in day out. They will be bringing them joy all the time. If they have the money, why wouldn't they want to see them enjoying a fabulous holiday together. They probably know how much they will enjoy it because they know them so well, having had time with them.

Your earlier choices in life have the consequence that your DPs do not have that relationship with your children. That is not their fault. They seem to have already spent a lot of money visiting you already.

In their sixties, they probably know their age and health will start to get the better of them. They know they will have to eventually be forced to slow down a little. Just as you don't think they understand your DCs SN, which isn't surprising given they don't see them regularly, you may not understand some of their health issues, again not surprising for the same reason.

They've always dreamt of taking the GCs to Florida. Why can't they have that because you made that choice earlier on. Why can't your nieces and nephews have it?

We have a DD with Aspergers and ADHD - so while I don't have the same issues, we have similar here. DD went to Boston 2 years ago (pre-Dx) and Florida this summer from Ireland - 10 hour and 14 hours journeys respectively. She was FINE on both, but a lot of that was down to us having prepped her a lot in advance. (And in Disney, we had a letter from her consultant outlining her problems with q's and loud noises so we got a Guest Assistance Pass that allowed us use an alternate entrance where available, so basically got a fast pass everywhere - very useful to know in advance).

My parents have also said they want to bring all their DCs (6), significant others and DGCs on a holiday next year (to celebrate 40 yrs married and Dad probably retiring) - so we are talking 16 people in a villa somewhere. We are all still waiting to hear the plans, but DH and I have already some plans for getting through it intact, like renting a car ourselves (regardless of other plans, or driving there if a suitable distance - we like ferries!) but making sure there are other cars too (we are not going to be the taxi service for everyone). And other things to support DD and make sure she's not overwhelmed by it all (and that we can stick to some routine for her, as that is important to keep her on an even keel - but maybe letting them see what we have to put up with would be good!!).

We are looking at emigrating ourselves, all 5 of my siblings are either abroad or have lived abroad as adults. Some relatively near, others across the Atlantic (and not East Coast US). We would be likely to go US or Canada. If we do, we know that it will be up to us to keep up the contact and not expecting DPs to travel to us all the time. It will be hard, but that is the choice we are making. The main reason we have not travelled before now was concern for elderly (and recently deceased) grandparents.

How your Parents choose to spend their own money is up to them. If they make a very generous offer like a holiday, especially one that they have dreamed of for years, they probably feel that you are throwing it back in their faces by saying no to 1 location but offering another not that far away. And Vegas is NOT a whole 10 hours away from Florida, but if you were willing to put them on a plane at all, that completely undermines your argument about them not being able to cope - in your parent's eyes at least (been there, done that, worn the tshirt in terms of parents not seeing and understanding what you are trying to do to support your own DCs).

So, sorry, but YABU.

I wonder if the grandparents find the holidays in Australia hard work too - as many have said, family visits are not the same as holidays.

And I do feel for you, but surely you realised this is what happens when you move to Australia and have 4 children. Travel is hard and very expensive.

While I agree with a lot of what everyone has said (OP can't dictate a location/Op has more obligation to travel as it was her choice to emigrate and the ability of the other families to afford another holiday is irrelvant) I do have some sympathy with the fact that they have claimed because they have paid for the florida holiday they can't afford to visit her.That can't be financially the case as the cost must be less than the op's family flying to florida- which the parents are saving/ It strikes me as a bit of a strop on their behalf- punishing her for not going- or perhaps putting more pressure on her to come. I think by sugegsting alternatives such as vegas she has made it look like she is choosing not to come whereas if she had just said that they couldn't fly that far at all then maybe her parents would be more sympathetic

OP my DS has autism, it takes a lot of preparation but I have taken him all over on my own and it has been worth it.

You moved to Australia, the other side of the world. Your parents don't have to come to you at all. They don't have to take you on holiday at all. They can do what they want with their money and time.

They offered you a holiday of a lifetime with your siblings and nieces and nephews. In your shoes I would have made that work. It's probably the only opportunity you will get to all be together. Ever.

Is your partner Australian? As the parent of a child with autism I feel it is my role to overcome obstacles to ensure DS has positive experiences. Yes he sometimes gets upset, but he would at home too, and he has amazing memories and experiences from our travels. Your partner having a blanket rule of never putting them on a plane when they have family on the other side of the world seems strange to me - that's why I'm wondering if his family are on your doorstep. If it was his parents, siblings, neices and nephews he might feel more willing!?

Imagine this Op. The GP's dread the prospect of travelling all the way to Aus, it's a real issue for them with their health problems. But they've always planned to take the whole family to Disney when the children seem about the right age, it's not so far to travel, the kids would love it and it would be a dream come true for them to do this. So they tell everyone about it, and one family member starts raising objections and suggesting alternatives.
Meanwhile, the rest of the family are thrilled to bits, the children know, everyone is mentally packing their cases and on the internet planning what they'll do when they get there.
The really irritating thing is the attitude of the one family member who doesn't fancy the trip. Not only is there an undercurrent of resentment in their communications, but they're also stretching the truth to try to make their case stronger. For example, on the one hand they suggest everyone flys to Vegas or Thailand, then the next minute they are claiming that two of their children can't fly because they can't tolerate confined spaces.
Eventually, after some consultation with the families who do want to go, everyone agrees that they would really love to go to Disney and Florida for a once-in-a-lifetime trip that the children will remember for ever. After all, it won't be long and some of them will be too old to appreciate Disney... The alternatives of Vegas and Thailand were considered, but everyone agreed that those would appeal more to adults and that's not the point of the trip.
GP's send an email telling the other family member what's happened. They could have worded it better, but they are really hurt.

YABU

You chose to emigrate. This is the consequence of that. Your parents made a kind offer. You have declined. The word for that is tough. Now you have to live with the consequences.

You can't expect the world to revolve around you. It doesn't. Your parents can spend their money how they like. It's not as if they are taking everyone else and didn't invite you. They did, you chose not to go.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I have sympathy for the OP. If it is her DPs dream to take all the family away on holiday, then why are they happy to proceed without some of them being able to make it? I can see why the OP might feel that her family are second class citizens here. If I wanted to do something for the whole family I would make sure the whole family could make it. I know nothing about SNs but I can see that a 23-hour-flight could well be beyond what these DC could cope with (23 hours. Not 8 or 10 or 12 hours. 23) and just because other people's DC with SN can cope doesn't mean her DC can.

I wonder what her DPs would think if she invited the whole family to Oz, and they said they couldn't manage the flight because of their age, and suggested an alternate location that all could get to, and she said, tough shit. my money and we're having it here. That would make her a bit of a bitch, wouldn't it? Like it wasn't really about getting the whole family together at all?

I think YANBU to be upset, but there's nothing you can do about it. I'm surprised that your siblings have said they don't want to go unless you and your family are there - I can't imagine my DSis feeling it was fine to go ahead without me.