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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my parents

353 replies

embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:40

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

OP posts:

EagleRiderDirk · 09/08/2013 08:00

YABU and YANBU.

YABU in that as you've emigrated and the situation you're in, you leave them with a great financial and time burden to come and see your kids. You should be grateful they come at all.

However YANBU in respect to suggesting different locations, then declining, nor for feeling upset by the email. Them all going without you and your lot is fine. The email saying well we've spent a ton of money on the rest of the family so we're not going to bother with you as much is not nice. I totally get your point that the location seems to mean more to them. If they had taken the rest to Florida without you and said 'as we spend so much to visit you it seems unfair on the others so we're going to treat them' then YWBU, but they seem to be saying you've turned down our offer (an offer we were making anyway with no suggestion that it would come at the cost of not visiting you) so now we don't want to see you.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 09/08/2013 08:01

I can understand the thought of a long flight with 4 dc's regardless of sn would be hard work.

But your children aren't the only grandchildren and this is what your parents want to do for everyone. They made the offer but you declined, its not as if they deliberately left you out.

fluffyraggies · 09/08/2013 08:01

I can see why you feel sad OP.

It's logical to think that if you've got one large amount of money to spend, you'd spend it in a way that means you get to see ALL your GC together. Especially the ones you havn't met yet.

BUT - obviously they aren't thinking this way. They are thinking 'spend the money going to Florida - who can we get to come with us?'

It would be easier if you try to think to yourself - i chose to live out here, i am happy i live out here, they've made their decision too, that's just the way it is.

Original poster

embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 08:01

If I was a GP I wouldn't want to treat all my kids and their families to a big fancy family holiday without everyone there and would adjust the location, timing etc to suit all. I would want to make the journey for my DC and their children as easy and stress-free as possible. My DS and DD have issues where they simply could not sit on a long flight without serious stress to them. It just feels like none of my family give a shit.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 09/08/2013 08:01

So you choose not to go home for visits?

You refuse the free family holiday?

You expect everyone to pay to travel half way across the world to see you when you Chose to live there?

I don't think it's your parents who are being unreasonable.

500internalerror · 09/08/2013 08:01

Seeing one family v seeing several in a dream location. I know which I'd see as the better use of my savings.

Really - you're complaining about how someone else chooses to spend their money? And you want the majority to revolve around your needs?

tilbatilba · 09/08/2013 08:02

YABU but don't see why you and your family don't make the trip to Florida including stop overs so it works for your children.
Agree Florida is not where I would want to go but I guess as your parents are providing the holiday it's their choice.
Its neither here nor there that your siblings are wealthier than you.
It's a great chance for all the family to be together and possibly as you homeschool you don't have the same time constraints and can take your time getting to Florida and back. Hope it works out.

MelanieCheeks · 09/08/2013 08:02

If they could cope with a flight to Vegas, would the longer flight really be so much worse that it's completely impossible?

ThisIsYourSong · 09/08/2013 08:02

So you think they should offer the holiday to everyone and then retract that offer because only you aren't going? You also think its unreasonable for your DCs to fly that far but it's ok for your parents? It's a huge trip for older people too.

Your parents are more than entitled to take their other grand kids on holiday. Have you considered that the other grandchildren may have missed out on a lot because if the huge expense of visiting you regularly?

Eyesunderarock · 09/08/2013 08:03

Are they planning on going to Disneyland?
Hard to alter the location if that is the case.

Chubbymomie2012 · 09/08/2013 08:04

My Neice has serious special needs and still manages to go to Florida with her family.
Look at Dream Flight, they take special needs kids to florida every year.

it can be done and just because the kiddies have special needs shouldnt mean they are excluded.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 08:04

yabu i'm afraid.

you've chosen australia over being close to family, over your children growing up near their grandparents, over regular close contact with family.

that was your choice.

they get to make their choices too.

you can't have it both ways - if you want to look at the sadness/unfairness of your dc not being close to their grandparents then you can't look at decision no.369 as the cause but the original decision that created this which was your decision to emmigrate i'm afraid.

you say 'they' are choosing a location over family but haven't you done exactly the same thing only permanently?

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 08:05

and another choice was not to cope with the flight to florida - you may think it a very justified choice but a choice none the less.

you have to own your own agency in all this.

georgedawes · 09/08/2013 08:06

Why can't you have a stopover?

Yabu I'm afraid

tilbatilba · 09/08/2013 08:06

Do you have funds so you could take someone from Australia to help you on the flight?

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 08:07

really let's reframe this a bit: aibu to complain that my parents offered to pay for the whole of my family to have long haul flights and a holiday but expected to choose the location themselves?

mynameismskane · 09/08/2013 08:09

Wow, can you really not see how utterly and completely unreasonable you are?

Let me - as others have - make it clear... YABU. Completely and utterly unreasonable and you sound entitled and selfish. Your parents are completely right on every point they have made. YOU chose to emigrate so why should EVERYONE else bend to you and forget their own wants? They offered you a holiday too but you chose not to take it and want everything on your terms. So selfish.

You really need to open your eyes.

Chubbymomie2012 · 09/08/2013 08:09

Embrace..... issues not allowing them to sit???
my son has Autism. we have been to Florida. it just takes organisation and preparation. It can be done. see your doc for advice.
You appear content to play the victim here.
Why not make it a big adventure. Its a once in a lifetime chance.
Please dont deprive the rest of your family because of a flight length.

PeazlyPops · 09/08/2013 08:09

If you can manage a flight to Las Vegas, a few hours extra to Florida wouldn't make much difference.

YABU and selfish.

Sleepyhead33 · 09/08/2013 08:10

they may also feel that if you can get to Vegas with the children, you can get to Florida and it is more about you dictating the location?

Your siblings may feel that their parents have spent a fortune visiting you and your children in a 'holiday type' situation and it is time for their children to have a fun trip with their gps. I don't blame them for accepting. many gps dream of a big family holiday in Florida (not sure why!)' they don't have that same connection to Thailand or Vegas so I see why they haven't gone with your alternative.

You mention in your op that your parents have health issues and have been unable to visit due to those health issues previously. How will you manage when they can't fly to Australia at all? Will you visit them in the UK? I think this is one of the saddest things about emigrating and definitely has to be considered before the family up sticks and leave!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 09/08/2013 08:10

Las Vegas is surely not 10 hours less journey time than Florida?

I just cannot see how your parents are being in any way unreasonable here. THey have been penalised massively by your decision to live on the other side of the world. Now I can see that even if you could afford to bring your DCs back to the UK for visits it would be hard with DCs having SNs, but from their point of view it is them doing all the giving. They probably thought this would be the most fantastic treat for your family, with flights shorter than coming back to the UK and it is being thrown back in their face, even if it is with good reason.

Sleepyhead33 · 09/08/2013 08:10

X posts with everyone!

Original poster

embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 08:13

Well I am very surprised by the response. I live in a holiday location and my DPs could have offered to pay for everyone to come here, saving my DCs the stress of the flying. (2 of my DCs are autistic and terrified of confined spaces). I was [shocked] when they even suggested a holiday, but was trying to be accommodating and was thinking about halfway (which would still be v.traumatic for them). My DH has always been completely against it and just will not put our DCs through that - and I tend to agree. I am just hurt that my DPs would even suggest it. Yes they have a right to go where they want but why would they even want us to put our DCs through that trauma. Is there anyone here with DCs with special needs who know where I am coming from here? It just seems so insensitive on the part of a GP.

OP posts:

MumnGran · 09/08/2013 08:13

My DS and DD have issues where they simply could not sit on a long flight without serious stress to them.

Very confusing, OP.
The children could travel to Vegas or Thailand, but your comment above precludes Florida?

Its really very simple. Fly to Vegas (or similar), stay overnight, then fly on to Florida on an internal flight. Reverse the procedure on the way home. Its very do'able with children .... I have done similar trips, on my own, with 2 x under 3's. I am sure you can even persuade your parents to pay for it, as they would obviously like you to come.

For what its worth, YADBU ...and 'entitled'

FannyFifer · 09/08/2013 08:13

YABU.
Children with special needs can and do travel long haul.

Your parents can spend their money however they wish.

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