Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my parents

353 replies

embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 07:40

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
embracethemuffintop · 09/08/2013 08:56

Thailand is 7 hours, Vegas 13 hours, and Florida 23 hours from where I live (according to the net). The poster who said they couldn't cope with any flight is probably right - I was trying to make it easier on them. I am surprised that everyone on here seems to think that I am being entitled or stubborn and playing the victim because I won't put my kid through that. No holiday is worth upsetting them for hours on end.

My parents are very fit and well - just over the last few years that had some operations.

To be fair, I don't think they do get the level of discomfort my DCs would have in flying, and they are also of the school of thought (that is evident here to) that I should just let them get on with it.

OP posts:
mrsscoob · 09/08/2013 08:58

I actually feel really sorry for your parents. What ever they do now they can't win and will upset someone. All they wanted to do was take their family on holiday to Florida. Hardly the most unreasonable thing a person has ever suggested Grin

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 08:58

fit and well. except they're in their 60's and have had some operations in the last few years.

you definitely don't seem to have wrapped your head around their years embrace and how they might feel as they get older.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 08:59

and the won't be seeing you for a while won't just be about the money.

another trip doesn't only cost flights, it costs time out of your life, facing packing, sorting insurance, sorting out who'll look after the house, facing a long journey there and back etc.

that can feel like a big deal in my 30's so i imagine it will feel bigger in my 60's after a few surgeries.

mrsscoob · 09/08/2013 09:00

I don't think people are suggesting that you are being unreasonable for not putting your children through the flight. They are suggesting you are being unreasonable for giving your parents shit and being cross with them for offering to take you on holiday Confused

thegreylady · 09/08/2013 09:00

Embrace I understand your hurt. As a gp I would try to adapt the holiday so you can all go-probably by paying for you to have a couple of stop overs. Actually no I'd bring everyone to Australia or even New Zealand everyone would love that (my dream holiday). But your last paragraph stands. What I would do is irrelevant. YANBU to be upset.

Vivacia · 09/08/2013 09:02

"I am surprised that everyone on here seems to think that I am being entitled or stubborn and playing the victim because I won't put my kid through that."

That's not the reason why people are saying these things!

DumSpiroSpero · 09/08/2013 09:03

Putting it another way - do you really think you are being reasonable in expecting your DP's to give up their dream holiday (particularly given their age and health issues), and your nieces and nephews to miss out on a holiday to Florida which they may not have the opportunity to do otherwise, just so you can have your own way? Hmm

Eyesunderarock · 09/08/2013 09:04

'as a compromise though could you go with the dc who does not have SN and your dh stay at home with the others.'

I really wouldn't recommend outtolunch's suggestion, it will be a source of resentment and anger for years, unless your children with SN are functioning at such a level that they would always be unaware of events and not understand what happened.

Supertrooper88 · 09/08/2013 09:04

It sounds to me that this was/is a dream of a lifetime plan your parents have had. Taking all the dgc to Florida. They have a dream, offered to pay and you have chosen not to go due to your circumstances.

I do think though if you were prepared to travel to Vegas you could have travelled onto Florida albeit with a stopover (of as much times as you felt your DC needed) inbetween the flights. I dont get how 13hours is OK one day but another 10 hours a few days later is not.

It must be horrible to know you and your DC are missing out on the trip and future visits because of the expense of this trip - but it sounds like it was a dream of your parents and why should they spend this amount of money for everyone and not get their dream. I can see why for you to have your entire family and all your DC cousins come to Australia at your parents expense would be wonderful for you but its a big ask to expect someone to pay for that. I guess if they are off to Florida there is some Disney involved which is suppossedly the land of dreams and magical - thats probably why they want Florida and not Australia.

TravelinColour · 09/08/2013 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 09/08/2013 09:05

If our children really can't fly then you can't go. Its not unreasonable to feel upset that you cant go. But your parents are not unreasonable to go on holiday with the family that can go to a place they've wanted to visit.

You are being unreasonable by trying to control what they do. Read your last paragraph of that first post again!

And if all the other grandchildren have been told they're heading to Disney then why should their excitement be spoilt now? Vegas is just not the same, especially to a child!

Tiredemma · 09/08/2013 09:07

couldn't you have flown to Vegas, stayed there for a couple of days and then gone onto Florida??

HoleyGhost · 09/08/2013 09:07

Thailand is 7 hours, Vegas 13 hours, and Florida 23 hours from where I live

But Vegas is

Eyesunderarock · 09/08/2013 09:09

Still no mention or information on the other half of your children's family OP.
Do your children see your husband's family with equal regularity, or is your side of the family all you have?

ChasedByBees · 09/08/2013 09:09

So they've always dreamt of going to DisneyWorld with all their GC and because you choose not to go, no one should?

YABU.

Las Vegas or Thailand is no way the same. I also think you're being exceptionally inflexible if you think they should all change the location so that the flight time is less for you. I think if you can handle a flight to LV then you could have found a way to make it work.

If you really can't make it work then it's a pity, but not their fault. This is their dream they want to do before they get too old. If you lived in the UK it sounds like you would have had to decline also, but it still wouldn't be fair to demand no one goes.

You have to accept that you won't see family as frequently and will be excluded from things as a consequence of your choice to emigrate.

iismum · 09/08/2013 09:11

OP, I can't believe the abuse you are getting on here! Your question wasn't 'should I prevent my parents doing this' but 'AIBU to be upset about this'. Obviously your parents have the right to do whatever they like, but I think it is entirely reasonable for you to be upset and hurt about this.

I can see that it is disappointing for them if they've always dreamed of taking the family to Florida, and this doesn't work for you. But for them to choose the destination over seeing you - not just for this holiday but in the future - is very hurtful. I'd be very, very upset if my parents had never met one of my DC, or seen the others for a long time, and prioritiesed a different holiday over the chance to do this for several years. I think that is a baffling choice. Of course they would like to take other DGs to Florida, but for seeing you to way so lightly in the scales that there is no compromise (a cheaper destination, askin your siblings to contribute, etc) so that they could also visit you at some point is really sad. I really feel for you.

I also think it is totally unreasonable for other posters to say that their DCs have SN and they still went to Florida, so you could too - this depends totally on the SN and the child, and only OP can decide if it is feasible.

Do you think there has been some bad communication? Do you think maybe they don't really understand why it is so hard for you to go, and therefore think you are just being ungrateful? Personally, I would send a carefully worded letter to my patents to explain exactly how you feel - how you'd love to go and why you can't, and how sad you feel that they will not see your DCs for a long time - not specifically to guilt trip but to make it clear that you are grateful and that you do want your DCs to have a relationship with them. Maybe they will be able to economise a bit on the trip and still be able to visit you at some point.

Snatchoo · 09/08/2013 09:14

I agree it does seem a little strange that they can afford to drop £10k+ on the six of you flying to Disney but can't then afford a trip to Aus to see you.

I think their health problems are not quite as low key as you think.

I do think YABU for making it all about how YOU feel and YOUR children. Maybe your siblings are equally as upset that (presumably) you haven't even met their children and are saying no to that? You've said yes to other destinations but no to a stopover and then on to Florida - do you think your family don't have the brains to see how illogical that is, just like posters on here have?

I don't think you are unreasonable to say no because of your children's SN (although if you have a year or so to plan maybe this could be a 'work towards' situation? Have no idea other than the little info you have put on - please don't take offense!) but you are unreasonable to get cross with the 11 other people who can go and want to!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 09/08/2013 09:14

Your siblings have chosen to stay close to your parents with the obvious benefit that they can see them daily, however that doesn't mean they don't deserve your parents generosity with the holiday (even if they are well off). It goes both ways - longer term it is also likely to be your siblings that have to take care of your parents in old age, deal with their estates once they are no longer with you etc too.

It is unfortunate that due to your DCs having SNs you feel none of you can travel. Would it be possible for just you and the DCs that can cope could go on the holiday? It seems a shame that they have to miss out, not just on the holiday but on time with their cousins etc (have they ever met them?)

Armadale · 09/08/2013 09:15

OP, I don't think you are getting all the YABU's because people think you should make your children do a long haul flight if it is not possible for them.

You are getting the YABU's because you seem completely unable to grasp the fact that you made a conscious decision to move half way around the world and then expect everybody else to be inconvenienced for your benefit. It must cost an absolute fortune for your parents to fly to see you, I'm sure the GPs could take their other GP away more often if not for this, yet you seem to think it is your due....It is odd.

Your Parents are getting older and will reach a point where they will not be able to come and see you, what will happen then??

I feel so sorry for your mum and dad, you have deprived them and their other children and GCs of the opportunity to spend any time with you and when they try and do something so you can all be together at their expense you think they are being unreasonable.

AnnabelleLee · 09/08/2013 09:19

If Vegas is 13 hours, Florida is not 23 hours away. Florida is 4 hours flight from Vegas. If you DC's can't fly thats one thing, but they can fly for 13 hours but not 17 is just not logical.

Your parents generously offered to pay for 6 of you to go on a lovely holiday, you turn them down, and THEY are being unreasonable?

Morgause · 09/08/2013 09:19

iismum

what you are suggesting sounds exactly like guilt-tripping the GPs. They had a dream to take all the DGCs to Florida. OP says she can't do that. Let the GPs enjoy their dream trip with the other GCs without laying a guilt trip on them, please.

I also think there may be more health issues than the GPs are letting on. I'm in my 60s and have a few health issues I don't want to worry my DCs with.

OP you are being very unreasonable to expect the destination to be changed - Thailand isn't a children's destination.

I'd rather eat my own head than go to Florida but if my parents had offered to pay and wanted to see all the family together for maybe the last time there I'd have gone, despite any problems.

BubaMarra · 09/08/2013 09:19

Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

I think your parents are being unreasonable for this sentence only. If your whole family is not going to the Florida holiday, the total costs of the holiday must go down surely. So saying that due to the huge expense of the holiday they will have to reduce their visits to Australia to see your children (and the last visit was 3.5 years ago) just doesn't make sense. They can make their choices and spend their money the way they want, but then they should be honest with it. This attitude seems like they want to punish you for not participating in their idea of a perfect holiday. Mathematically their explanation just doesn't make sense - it must be cheaper for the 2 of them to fly from Uk to Australia than to pay for your whole family of six to fly from Australia to Florida.

georgedawes · 09/08/2013 09:21

Maybe they want to go on holiday with the other gc for once? Seems reasonable to me!

Florida is about 5 hours from Vegas so your calculations seem wrong.

diddl · 09/08/2013 09:21

"I agree it does seem a little strange that they can afford to drop £10k+ on the six of you flying to Disney but can't then afford a trip to Aus to see you."

Maybe there is the money left, but they just don't want to make the trip, which is why they were hoping OP & her family would be meeting them in Florida?