To be upset with my parents

[embracethemuffintop]

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

Glad its done something worth while, I think we get carried away with the story its like gossip isn't it, and we forget its someones life, again sorry.

Embrace - so agree with springtooty. She articulated what I was thinking. Feel proud of yourself for forging a good life for your family, and good on you for wishing the others well on their holiday. That must have been hard. I do hope the relationship with your family can be restored/improved one day, but if it doesn't happen I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of.

yes bullying growl.

'she'll be back, she won't last there without us'

So they're a team and if you're not one of them there's something wrong with you? To leave them is to reject them? So they'll reject you - just so you know.

So what happened to I want you to be happy because I love you? If they genuinely found visiting Oz difficult financially and practically, they would find a way to keep in contact. They wouldn't book an all-singing bells-on holiday [that seriously wouldn't suit the needs of your SNs kids] and then smack you for not going along with it. Then say they won't be seeing your children for the foreseeable.

Not surprised your DH's family bitch about them tbh.

crabb and sonly

Thanks so much. I hope I can heal the relationship too. Maybe if I make the effort to visit next year we can restore the relationship. I do hope so.

springy My MIL sees how much it hurts me, and is a very hands-on GP who spends every spare bit of cash and time to come and see us, so she finds their attitude sucky. She is constantly sending them parcels and letters, Skyping them, and sees them as much as she possibly can. And she does have other GC. If we said we would visit her, she wouldn't hear of it because her view is that as an adult is it far far easier for her to travel to us than it is for us to travel to her with DCs; especially if they had SN. She doesn't think the travelling is fair at all on my DCs and she is cross with my DPs for expecting us to do it.

Well look what you've got there embrace - she's perfect, heavenly, exactly what anyone would want

I'm sure she's not perfect LOL - nobody is - but what you value the most she gives in spades. You is blessed my dear on that front, anyway

I seriously hope OP that you can build some sort of relationship, either physically or on the net, that makes your DCs excited by family. Mine would jump through hoops to meet cousins they usually only see on the net.

But if you genuinely aren't bothered, you need to let them all get on with their lives together and you get on with yours.

Growl but I am bothered. They aren't. Why do you seem to think this is all my fault?

springy no she isn't perfect but she is very motivated to see my kids, which I am very grateful for.

OP, because your DCS aren't. So your excitement at news of your siblings and their children obviously isn't evident day to day. This doesn't mean presents on birthdays by the way.

Social media makes this so easy these days. You could be as close to your family as I am to mine, but it isn't working obviously. Why not?

Growlithe, you are obv not reading muffin's posts. She has clearly stated how she has tried to initiate weekly Skype, shows her DC pics of cousins, sends letters from her DC to cousins with their news and gets zip back.

Give her a bloody break, you are now flogging a dead horse.

The trip to London with two of your dc sounds great. I would plan to do more trips with the dc who can travel and yourself. Are you sure it is not too late for just you three to go to Florida?

It sounds like the perfect opportunity for them to meet their extended family and this will help them get even more out of their London trip, they can look forward to meeting their cousins again.

Also Florida is much more than theme parks. America is a great country to visit and very family oriented.

Also grandparents can change from hands off to hand on.

My own grandmother was very disinterested in her first grandchildren but by the time her last grandchild came along 20 years later she was the very definition of a devoted nan.

This didnt cause a rift in the family however as her interest in all her grandchildren grew with time and although she had very little to do with my siblings and I as wee ones, she was a fab nan to us as teenagers and even had several teenage grandchildren living with her for various reasons.

Why on earth are you putting yourself through trying to build a relationship with people who so patently aren't interested? (Which is not a dog at you at all).

You can't make them want a relationship with you. No amount of skyping or sending presents will make them want to reciprocate. (Even though I'd never do a weekly Skype because my life is not set up like that, but I can see gow it would be useful for keeping in touch)

They didn't want the sort of relationship you did when you were in the same country, they aren't going to want it now.

Interestingly, my ex-FIL views my ex-SIL emigrating as "why did she do this to me" it might be a generational thing. I know she Skypes with her other brother more often, but only with my ex-husband and DD at Christmas when they all meet for dinner. DD hates it. And she hates when they visit (which they have done once in 7 years - they visited last summer).

Maybe you and them are better with the distance and maybe you'd never be able to get along with them regardless of distance. So it might be better for you to find a way to settle in your head with the fact they aren't what you expected them to be. Because I have a sense from your posts that you are hankering after so,etching they will never be.

Please translate the mess my ipad made of that last post. Sorry.

Dig.

Something.

embrace don't let growl make you feel bad because your dcs aren't interested in their family. I am a surviver of that myself. my mother was in your position. the only difference is that the distance with us is Ireland to England.

on the surface my GPs are perfect. they are very involved in most of their GCs lives, want to know all about them, treat them when they have limited money, visit the ones further afield when they can. they even raised one when an aunt was incapable of doing so. they love all their GC, except us.

my mother made the choice to leave the home town. and we've been punished ever since. dm tried so hard to get us interested in them all, and we were. and do you know where that got us? a whole world of hurt and disappointment. they'd come to the UK to visit other cousins and just fail to materialise on the days they were meant to. it's got my DM very sick. I was 34 yesterday. its only the second time they've said happy birthday to me in my life, and that's only coz I have an uncle now added on Facebook.

they come over now and cry about how awful it is I keep my dcs away from them. I don't, they just show up and expect me to be there. I'm not, because I live a couple of hours away from my dps and aunt, plus I don't drive. oh and now my loudmouth aunt has gone back and told them I'm getting married again and they're upset about the lack of invite despite the fact no one is invited except parents. part of me now wishes I was having a big wedding so I could actually snub them properly.

my DC met them once. I have pictures. and afaic I've fulfilled my obligation to me dcs by introducing them to their only existing ggps. I won't be rushing again to do so. its not like they'll bother showing up anyway most probably.

eagle That sounds awful, and I do wonder if that is what is going on here. Do you feel you missed out on that interaction with your extended family.

Embrace - I know DD doesn't feel she's missing out on her cousins. It's the first time I ever heard her swear

But I think kids tend to accept what they're given and get in with it as it is, and it's adults who feel the regrets for what might have been.

My best friend emigrated to Oz 8 years ago. I miss her loads and we both make an effort to keep in touch by phone, email etc and send cards and presents to each other's DC.

I must admit I do blame her for going. Whenever she expresses any feelings of discontent (she now has 2 small DC and obv no family support so she finds it tough sometimes) I do think to myself "well, you chose this". She also keeps suggesting we go to Oz for a holiday (not easy or cheap!) and I think she has a bit of a nerve!

This thread has helped me to understand her point of view better, so to OP and the other contributors.

My children know the importance of family. Shame on you that yours don't

That is so much bullshit! My children don't have time for their cousins, and it isn't because they don't know them, it is because their cousins & their parents (my sister & BIL) don't give a crap about us!

I write, phone, try to skype, email....NOTHING! Big fat fucking nothing! What do my dcs get on their b'day? Not even a card, not a fb message, not an email. Where as we all send (via my fb, because they are too young) messages for everyone's birthday if we don't send cards. NO ONE sends pressies, that was agreed when we left (too frigging expensive). I didn't get cards from her when I had dd2 either.

We visited the UK for the first time in summer last year & my sister & her family didn't show up to the pre arranged family get together because of "flu" yet they all posted pics on fb of a party they had all been to that same day. Then it was work, yet I caught my sister out again as she was at a friends house babysitting!!

This after I had travelled 24+ hours, with her nieces (one of who she had never met).

Yet my girls dearly miss my friends & their children. My daughter still cries because she misses a lovely 16yr old girl who had all the time in the world for her, doing her hair, nails etc.

So don't go one about people not knowing the importance of family, because you have NO idea what you are talking about. My children may not know the importance of that group of family, but they do know the importance of the family who made the effort, of friends who did the same.

If you want to be remembered, or to be important in the lives of children, it is also up to you to make an effort with them, not just for the parents to keep you important!

I do think to myself "well, you chose this".

Don't be too hard on her, tumble I can promise you, she does know this. :(

It is hard, because like I said before, you just DO NOT think about what you will be missing. And fb can be hard, because you see all your friends still living their lives & some part of you wonders how they do that (it isn't at all rational).

It is hard. So hard, that we are heading home eventually, but that takes $$$ & we don't have that yet!

My parents lived far from their parents, so I grew up knowing what you would be missing. And we were very very close to family and all met up at least once a year. I suppose I'm bringing that experience to the table, as it were - in as much as, how didn't you think of it? I'm baffled.

I watched an uncle struggle to get home from ours when they were on holiday as a small child. His father died unexpectedly. Or when my grandad had a stroke and my father couldn't get "home". And when my granny had cancer and my mum wasn't there when she died.

That's the flip side of the coin.

for me its pretty much what different said. I don't and didnt feel I missed out but I learned that blood isn't thicker than water. all relationships have to be worked on if you wish to maintain them, and both parties have to be interested. I have cousins I've never seen, but then they've never seen my dcs either.

I do have a side of the family who lived near us so I did have a present side. they weren't much better tbh, but locality meant we did interact with them. actually now I think of it only my great uncle has seen dc1, no one on dfs side has bothered either. I'm quite thankful oh has a more traditional family, and my dcs have a lot of interaction with oh's cousins kids.

Growl you are being a bully.

OP your family / situation sounds like mine and quite frankly you could move back to the UK tomorrow and they would still not make an effort...

I know that from personal experience

My mam has come to seeme every year in Australia, I'm lucky she can afford to do that and that she is willing and able.

However, in the five years I ave been here, I know that she now has a stronger, closer relationship with my sister than she does with me as they can see each other more often. She can help my sister chose a new tablecloth or whatever and it is my sister she will ring with day to day news as I am sleeping.

She knows my sisters dc better then mine. She is at all their birthdays and school plays. She is listening to them read and she knows which soft toy belongs to which child.

I'm sure my mother loves us all the same, but the relationship has suffered over time.