To be upset with my parents

[embracethemuffintop]

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

But they don't want to pay to take everyone to Australia, they wanted to take them to Florida. That is understandable because for so many with young children that is seen as a dream location.

You don't want to go that fine but don't sulk that the whole holiday hasn't been changed to suit you

There are not enough words to describe how unreasonable you are being.

Your parents have made a wonderfully generous offer and you are stamping your feet and saying everyone has to fall in with what's best for you.

You chose to live on the other side of the world you're the one who should be accommodating everyone else if you want to see them.

I can't believe you can't see that.

... and then say to those who feel they can't - '' hope you realise i wont be seeing you for years!''.

I know OP is being a bit tunnel visioned, but i find the parents attitude odd.

Flying from England to Florida is much cheaper and quicker than flying to Australia. Flying to Australia is LONG. I do it regularly and it's not fun and I'm 24. I can't imagine wanting to fly over when I'm in my 60's if there's an alternative.

Look, OP - you chose to move to Australia, you need to accept that a lot of people can't and won't choose to fly there. If you want to live on the other side of the world, accept the consequences. You're not entitled to have people to come and visit you. You got offered a holiday in Florida and refused it because your kids can't fly - yet you offered to fly to Vegas or Thailand? - it seems like you're too keen to play the victim. Sorry.

plus they are getting old!

they may not have many more big trips in them in terms of time, money, health, energy etc and this is the big trip they want to do.

it isn't all about you.

they may honestly be thinking this may be there last chance to take the gc to disneyworld. do try and think of the fact that they are staring down the barrel at their own mortality and disintegrating health at this stage in their lives.

they haven't got forever.

i think you may regret picking a war over this.

I think that your parents health may have more to do with this than you currently imagine.

To me it reads that they want the whole family together one last time in a place that (they expect) all the children would enjoy, esp with that added codicil that they won't be able to visit you later - that reads last hurrah to me. :(

I think your suggested alternative locations were less than ideal - sorry. I think you should try to go and do it with stopovers. (And yes, I have done the flights to/from Australia with dc).

But to your second AIBU, I'm afraid, yes. They didn't put it forward as "We want to treat everyone, where shall we go?", they specified Florida. Their money, their choice.

YABU but understandably hurt. The money thing really doesn't make sense as 6 flights frim OZ to

Fluffyraggies - I wonder if the parents attitude had been that due to the way the OP has tried to control the situation. If the OP has said similar things to her parents as she's put in the first post then maybe her parents are prickling from that and responded accordingly.

It must be very frustrating for her parents to always be the one doing the travelling.

If you chose to emigrate it is he price you pay I'm afraid.

SIL loves to see her family but says it isn't really a holiday as such as she's busy visiting and catching up. And this is her choice as she emigrated but she does say its not the same as a proper holiday as I know they, SIL BIL and children, miss real holidays too but they can't afford to do both. They already only get to go over every other year at most. And although they've paid for her mum and partner to come here, her dad really doesn't want to do the flight, doesnt have a passport, etc - hard for SIL but a consequence of emigrating which she accepts.

exactly what i was trying to say scone. they may be thinking of this as the last time.

sorry but another yabu

you chose to emigrate to oz, if I were in your position I would accept that this would mean years in between visits for my family as they simply couldnt afford to come out regularly....this would factor into my decision making tbh.

as you say your parents have the right to take whoever they want where ever they want.

also just as a sideline ....
could it be that your parents don't realise your dc's special needs make a long flight difficult as they don't see them often? if this is the case they might be feeling a little hurt and feel like you've snubbed the family a little bit

could you not make the journey over 2 days if you're worried about such a long stretch at once? fly to Vegas stay in an airport hotel and fly to Florida the next day.

also I've assumed from the thread you don't fly to the UK to see your parents due to cost / children i also think it's a bit mean they're the ones always expected to fork out thousands of pounds to come and see you when the effort is one way. now they've asked you to make the effort once at their expense you've refused.

you say your parents are in their 60's and not in great health it is probably their life long dream to have a holiday with all their children and grandchildren is there no way you can make the holiday I'm sure it would be one of the highlights of their lives.

My children both have autism. So yes, I can understand how it is to manage their needs.

I think yabu. I understand why you feel the way you do, I may well feel the same, but the bottom line is that you have to accept that it's their money and they can offer whatever they like. They don't have to do it the way that you feel is best for your kids.

They want to go to Florida. It's always been a dream. That's the starting point, not paying for everyone to meet up at a mutually acceptable location. Then then have said wouldn't it be nice if everyone could come with us on our dream holiday to Florida. Let's offer to pay for that.

Because of your children's needs, you can't go. It sucks, but that's just the way it is.

Although apparently australia to florida is about 19 hours but you offered las vegas and according to Travel Math - that's 15 hours. I don't understand why you would offer that. by the time they've done 15 hours - what's another 4?

Although thailand is 7 hours, according to that website. For children terrified of enclosed spaces, even 7 hours would be too long.

When have they been on a plane? are you absolutely sure that they wouldn't cope? There have been things I have insisted my kids wouldn't cope with - only to be proved wrong! It happens to us all. we all say oh I know my kids, I know everything about what they can and cannot do - but there's always going to be surprises! good and bad.

You also have to accept that your children are not everyone else's priority. Sad but true. And I am not saying that to hurt you, but you have to accept it. They are your world! But nobody else's.

So do what is right for them, if they won't cope with 19 hours, then they won't cope with 15 hours and they won't cope with 7 hours and you just have to accept that your parents want to go to florida and that doesn't make them bad people. I am sure they will come and see you again, I am sure they love you and your kids just as much as everyone else. But they want to do this for them. For themselves. For their dream holiday. Can't you understand that?

Florida must be more than 2 from UK to Oz. If you really can't make it to the Uk to see them though, I think it would only be reasonable for you to pay half their fare to come to you.

Ali fluffy the parents attitude does seem a bit odd, but in view of how stubborn and entitled the OP is being on this one issue - who knows what has gone before and perhaps upset them in the past.

I wondered the same Ali.

OP?

Alot of posters are saying the OP seems to think family to come to her all the time. But i don't get that vibe. I don't think she suggested the big trip should be to oz. She seems grateful for the visits the GPs have made in the past.

I just feel i'd be upset about the 'if you can't come to florida we wont be coming to you' bit. The logistics of cost, as others have said, doesn't add up. Therefore this must be a bit of stoppiness on the parents part.

I agree it's their choice how to spend their cash though - when all's said and done.

YABVU I think it is wonderful and extremely generous of your parents to want to take everyone to Florida. They probably offered as they thought you would be thrilled, it is dream location for them, not everyone considers Thailand or Las Vegas to be a family holiday style destination. I am presuming this is Disney Land right? Can't believe you are hurt that they suggested it and think you are going well overboard. If you don't want to go then fine but don't ruin the holiday for the rest of them by making your parents feel guilty. That would be completely unfair.

I know you dc have sn but from the sounds of it your parents aren't in great health and there are health risks to your parents to making such a long flight which you don't seem to have realised.

it seems to me that they have picked a lovely destination that is probably not such an.awful journey for them.

I agree with fluffy

If I was a GP I wouldn't want to treat all my kids and their families to a big fancy family holiday without everyone there and would adjust the location, timing etc to suit all.

You're the only ones it doesn't suit and are in the minority I'm afraid.

You need to either decide to go and plan accordingly or accept the fact that your family are missing out on a fabulous free holiday with all of your family together.

Yabu and it sounds a little bit like youre throwing your toys out the pram because you can't have it all your own way. There's been some really wood suggestions on this thread re breaking up the journey etc, I think if you want to you can make this work and you and all your children could have an amazing time with you family. Or you can stay home and sulk.

Perhaps OP should ask if her parents would put some money towards them (OP) all going to visit UK rather than Florida?

Or is that too cheeky?

It doesn't sound that the parents have visited that often-it also doesn't doesn't sound as if OP has visited at all?

But then how many visits to Oz is the norm for parents to make in 10yrs??

I have family abroad and am made to feel guilty every time I book a holiday somewhere that isn't to see them. In ten years i've had 2 weeks elsewhere as the 3 other times I've been away its been to see them. there are places i'd love to visit but as it takes 2 years for me to save the airfare, I am always told...its been ages since you have come so that money goes on tickets to them. I decided that next summer I am using the money to go where I want to go...selfish - yes but I want a holiday of my choice and doing what I want to do. It means I don't get to go there for another 3 years (as I went last year) but tough! They don't often visit here as the exchange rate means the flights from their end would be ridiculously expensive but I am fed up of being made to feel guilty.

I am sorry that you are upset. But your objections to flying make no sense. Either your kids can manage a long flight or they can't. An extra few hours on top of an already long flight can't really move the whole thing from possible to impossible.

I am afraid I also think you are being unreasonable , as a compromise though could you go with the dc who does not have SN and your dh stay at home with the others.
I know this feels wrong on many fronts but if you are convinced that they would find it too traumatic then it may be a solution enabling you to see your parents and allowing your other child to see their extended family and have an amazing holiday .It seems a shame that they have to miss out and it may help to mend the relationship with your parents.

I think you sound bloody spoilt and ungrateful OP.

If your DC couldn't do long haul you wouldn't have suggested Vegas. You're making excuses and you know it.

I think it's sad that you are turning down the chance of having a holiday with the whole family that's been offered to you. Suggestions have been made about how you could manage the long flight with a stopover - but you seem to be determined that you're right and your parents are wrong. Florida IS a dream destination for many people and it's the most incredibly generous offer. I wonder what your siblings view is of your demands that their holiday revolves around your choices?

Perhaps OP should ask if her parents would put some money towards them (OP) all going to visit UK rather than Florida?

The OP has thrown her toys out because she doesn't want to fly to Florida. There is no way she would want to fly 24 hours to the UK.

OP YABU. Why won't your DP even entertain the idea of trying to fly? There must be things you could do to help.

Where are DPs parents?

You choose to move to OZ. GPs are choosing to holiday in Florida. You're choosing to not go. GPs can't afford the money/effort to come and see you. Get over it.