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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

348 replies

sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:20

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

OP posts:

LaRegina · 08/08/2013 14:02

What ouryve said

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/08/2013 14:13

Saucy I never do posts, but are you getting some help? The way you feel is really not normal and I feel very sad for you and your daughter reading your posts.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/08/2013 14:16

Bloody hell where is Xenia when you need her?

I dunno. I think people "should" be productive members of society making a positive contribution, but I don't think I would extend that to say that SAHM's are unproductive etc. I do think SAHM's who have been able to make that choice for themselves after enough thought and consideration have a generally positive impact on their families and by extension on society.

However, I went back to work when DD2 was 4 so starting school and FOR ME it was the best thing I ever did. I was a rubbish SAHM and very, very unhappy - along with some health issues, it was a very difficult time. Now I'm happier, fulfilled, busy, much more fun, MNing at work

I would worry if I were your friend OP that I was not being a good role model for my children - not because of being a SAHP but because of not being fulfilled. You know that saying - if you want something done, ask a busy person? I think your friend is suffering from the opposite of that.

Trigglesx · 08/08/2013 14:24

maybe the moaning about sandwiches is just... well... moaning about sandwiches.

FFS if you can't have a little moan to a friend occasionally, what's the point? My friends have moans sometimes - I don't immediately assume that they're unfulfilled and need more in their life. I just figure they're having some problems - whether it's stress or simple irritation or whatever.

Try BEING there for her instead of whinging about her on a forum.

PassTheTwiglets · 08/08/2013 14:49

I was simply suggesting that to not do any paid work, voluntary work or take up any hobbies etc for 8 years but then moan about how busy and stressful your life is can be a tad irritating.

Do you know for a fact that she isn't busy though? If so then that's fair enough but she may well be extremely busy despite not doing paid/voluntary work or hobbies. I know I am.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 08/08/2013 14:59

I'm with HeartsTrumpDiamonds. I just don't think a life where you contribute very little to society is very good for the person or the rest of us. But there are many many ways to contribute other than in some sort of job (paid or voluntary). This woman might be lazing around doing nothing, in which case it is a shame for her in that she is not using any of her abilities. Or she might be doing lots of little things that go unnoticed.

My mum didn't do paid work since she had children. But she did run a playgroup for 14 years. She always has people round for Sunday lunch. She visits an old woman every week for an afternoon. She looks after her very elderly mother. I'd hope if she had a moan to a friend that her friend didn't judge her because she was playing golf that morning.

FreudiansSlipper · 08/08/2013 15:03

i know quite a few mothers at ds school like this forever telling me how busy they are

if you are really stressed about making a few sandwiches it says it all

rest of her life sounds wonderful

Salmotrutta · 08/08/2013 15:21

Oh my!

There are some interesting posts.

OP - YABU, you know that though.

I bloody hate making sandwiches and if she's doing it for a community picnic she might be worrying about doing it "right" IYSWIM. I know I would.

It's her choice to not work and Boffin you must be winding us up right?

If I had been a SAHM and someone had "sat me down with a cup of tea" to show me where I was going wrong I'd have left them without a name!

AmandaHoldenmigroin · 08/08/2013 15:25

So she has the lifestyle you want then? Don't think it's fair to resent her for her choices. Are you only going to be friends with people who have jobs

CatsAndTheirPizza · 08/08/2013 15:30

YABU for thinking she could waltz out there after 8 years of not working and find work in a recession. There is even competition for voluntary work in this climate.

CoolStoryBro · 08/08/2013 15:33

I actually want someone to sit me down with biscuits and find me a nice little college course now, just so I can swish my hair as I storm out. That would be awesome.

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 08/08/2013 15:33

Judge not lest ye be judged.......or mind your own business, I'm sure your friend would be thrilled to hear herself described as you have.

williaminajetfighter · 08/08/2013 15:50

I'm on your side OP.

I don't have a problem with the concept of being a SAHM but with the divorce rate at 50% it's a pretty big gamble to give up ones income and rely on the income of a man who has a 50% chance of leaving. That's what I can't get my head around -- how women are willing to make such a leap of faith, jeapordizing their careers and future incomes on a pretty big high risk gamble. I always look at women like that and think - yikes, the whole thing could go up in a puff of smoke! That's why I always feel the need to work and am not too bothered by the occasional smugness of such women as it really is smoke and mirrors and they could be living in a flat and off alimony tomorrow.

The thing is OP I have friends like this but over time as our lives have become quite different the friendship has waned - I have to hide their FB posts as they natter about Zumba class and holidays. I think you should really think about whether you are that close or not? If not don't worry about feelings of jealousy or saying anything.

poppingin1 · 08/08/2013 15:51

Saucy my daughter is a PITA and has a challenging, temperamental, difficult and hard to handle personality...

But parenting her doesn't feel like you have described. I would never describe my DD as a bumhole Even calling my daughter a PITA is never really meant in earnestness, she is just a kid.

I think your feelings sound odd TBH.

parttimer79 · 08/08/2013 15:52

Yabu thinking it should matter a tiny turd to you what she chooses to do with her days.
Sahm or wohm you takes your pick from the choices available to you, and some have far more choices than others, and then you get on with it as best you can.

Wuldric · 08/08/2013 16:00

The trouble with not working - and I have seen this in retirees as well as sahps - is that personal effectiveness seems to get diminished. It got to the point where an Expedition to the Post Office to Buy Some Stamps was the sum total of my mother's day. As here - most working parents would not get stressed at the thought of cutting a few rounds of sandwiches. It also makes people lose confidence, I find.

YABU to say anything or even think anything tbh.

tedmundo · 08/08/2013 16:05

BINGO .. It was only a matter of time before someone posts that the DHs will slope off with a younger model and leave all us SAHMs living off pittance.

I think I have to avoid all SAHM threads from now on. Only yesterday I read that SAHM do not contribute to society as we don't raise taxes through paid work. I suggested the poster brings that little gem up on a benefit thread as surely that thinking means full benefit claimants could be dissed in the same way. I was ignored on that one.

I like my life. Do I moan about it? Sometimes, yes. I hope my friends love me enough to tolerate it, in the exact same way I will always be a sympathetic ear to the latest workplace dramas they talk about.

If any of them took it upon themselves to be a self appointed life coach I would be thoroughly pissed off.

williaminajetfighter · 08/08/2013 16:13

I didn't post that a DH will run off with a younger model just that there is a very high %ge likelihood of marital breakdown for a lot of reasons. Committing to being a SAHM is a really big gamble and if people split up it puts a lot of financial pressure on the SAHM.

Why is that so offensive? I've seen it happen to many of my friends and it should be something women take into consideration. Or just make that leap of faith... With your head in the sand!

lottieandmia · 08/08/2013 16:21

It's none of your business, and yes I'm afraid you do sound jealous.

jellybeans · 08/08/2013 16:24

YABU. Why should she work for an employer if she doesn't have to... And what is hard for one person is hard for another! I would be stressed at making sandwiches for a load of people. I have been a SAHM far longer than 8 years and although my lifestyle is a far cry from your friends I am very happy and wouldn't swap with anyone. Think of the good things in your own life.

Snoopingforsoup · 08/08/2013 16:26

YABU.

It's her life and her choice.

I had to work full time when my DC was a baby and I hated having to do so.

I would've given anything to have been in your friends position. I too have a good degree and previously had a career. I was pushed out of my job once I became a Mother and have since done jobs much beneath my capability; purely because there's not that much around in my old profession anymore and I'm too out of the loop. Plus I no longer want to give 24hours a day to a career. My DC is over 8 years and I'm not rushing back to work after a couple of years off...I'm going to enjoy what time we have before he stops wanting to hang out with me!

If your disapproval of her choices (what exactly has private school got to do with it anyway?) is getting in the way of your friendship, perhaps distance yourself for a while and try to work out what you're gaining from it.

Wallison · 08/08/2013 16:27

You can't live your life around what-ifs though. If you're working, you might lose your job, you might get diagnosed with a terminal illness which prevents you from working etc etc. Does that mean that you shouldn't work just in case the worst happens? Or does it mean that you should make the best choices you can in regard to your life, based on the circumstances you find yourself in and based on what works best for you and your family at that time?

Oh and OP yabvu, but you know that. Sure, it rankles when people who don't seem to have much to worry about moan, but a problem is a problem. I have lived and worked in various parts of the world where the problems women face on a day to day and ongoing basis would shame anyone who has a gripe about balancing (readily available, high quality and regular) childcare with work, but that doesn't mean that those concerns are not legitimate, just because someone else somewhere has it worse.

Saffyz · 08/08/2013 16:29

If she hasn't worked or taken part in hobbies for 8 years yet still feels stressed, then there may be reasons you know nothing about which make her feel this way. It could be anything from loneliness, depression/anxiety or a difficult time she's going through for whatever reason. It would be far more thoughtful to appreciate her for who she is, than to pass judgement.

Alternatively, she might be happy the way she is and just happens to find different things stressful to you. "Busy busy busy" is the fashion, but there's nothing wrong with having a quiet life and focusing on the relatively small things. This suits some people and makes them happy; it's not a crime.

I like my life. Do I moan about it? Sometimes, yes. I hope my friends love me enough to tolerate it, in the exact same way I will always be a sympathetic ear to the latest workplace dramas they talk about.

Great comment above from tedmundo. Real friends should be able to talk to each other about the mundane things and problems, not feel under pressure to be "good enough" for those who'd rather they were dazzling/witty/accomplished/insert unachievable skill.

Wallison · 08/08/2013 16:29

Obv I meant 'serious illness'. Although I guess a 'terminal illness' would also prevent you from working.

comingintomyown · 08/08/2013 16:54

YABU and what bullshit is it that we have a responsibility to do something worthwhile ffs

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