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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

348 replies

sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:20

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

OP posts:
FreddieStarrAteMyHamster · 08/08/2013 07:47

Yabu

but her attitude about the sandwiches and getting the cleaner to make them would have pissed me right off. Might be worth mentioning when she makes such comments again how that would sound to most people. She needs a does of reality. Unfortunately the less people do the less inclined they are to do anything.

Cerisier · 08/08/2013 07:49

YABU and you know it. It is her choice presumably.

However she is sounding bored and dissatisfied and this isn't going to do her or her family any good long term.

As MrsCB says it is hard to sort a job that works around DCs, good childcare and after school pickups/homework help are hard to come by. My academic sister decided to give up work to concentrate on helping her DCs (and now does lots of OU courses to keep her brain ticking over). She didn't feel anyone else would provide the high quality help to the DC that she could, and I think she was right. Perhaps your friend feels the same.

DayOldCheesecake · 08/08/2013 07:50

I get where you're coming from - but she's being just plain daft. "A man is not a financial plan".

It's a fast way to become an unfulfilled dullard though and lord alone knows what happens to these women once the children fly the nest.

Eastpoint · 08/08/2013 07:54

She probably will do more as the children get older, whether its organizing things at their school or with a charity. I wouldn't bother to say anything directly to her as it will change her relationship to you permanently. At least she is still involved enough to be making sandwiches...

I meet a lot of women in these circumstances & unless they get caught up playing golf/tennis they usually do some voluntary work by the time their DCs are in senior school. Every time she buys something she's putting 20% VAT into the kitty 😊does that help? And think of all the good their Stamp Duty & tax on their cars will have done.

stillenacht · 08/08/2013 07:59

Yanbu. Get a job woman. Wink

Mumsyblouse · 08/08/2013 08:01

It's up to her how she lives her life and to that extent it's not your business except to support her. However I certainly have friends who while they enjoyed staying at home, the cleaners, the running of large homes when the children were little, have struggled later on- the sensible ones have gone back to work at a high level, using their money to get extra help/cover childcare but still not working f/t, the ones who are still struggling seem deskilled and often quite anxious as well. For some people, the life of luxury is genuinely enjoyable, but for others it brings a feeling of purposelessness and I've noticed anxiety/depression once the children start being very independent/out with friends/leaving home.

I wouldn't say get a job to your friend but I would continue to be a good friend, listen to her ideas, support her and so on. There's no obvious right answer here about what to do and so I don't think you need to judge her.

Pagwatch · 08/08/2013 08:01

An unfulfilled dullard? These women?

That's pretty unpleasant DayOldCheesecake.

Her life is very much like mine from the outside but that is obviously not the truth of it at all.
Taking a snapshot of someone's life nd then thinking you understand it flls pretty heavily into dullard territory IMO.

opilo · 08/08/2013 08:01

YABU and if making sandwiches is causing her stress then she sounds unemployable anyway.

Mumzy · 08/08/2013 08:03

YANBU to be annoyed by her whining re: sandwiches I know couple of SAHM who are like that and their idea of a hectic day is a lunch date followed by shopping. But equally I know some SAHM who do a lot of volunteering in school and wider community enabling services to be provided. I think sometimes it's all relative next time she whines tell her about your day Grin

RhondaJean · 08/08/2013 08:03

I don't think yabu because she sounds bored, miserable as sin and as if her confidence is fading if she is getting stressed about making sandwiches. And sadly it sounds like being bored is making her boring.

Sounds like she needs some purpose and direction in life.

Trigglesx · 08/08/2013 08:03

There are not as many jobs out there as there are applicants. Why push someone who seemingly does not want to work to take up a job that she financially doesn't need, possibly denying the job to someone who actually does need the money??

If she is bored, there are so many other things she could do - volunteering, charity work, church work if she is religious... there are tons of possibilities. Hell, if she wants, she could even take some courses in things that interest her and may develop a hobby or further career from that.

PearlyWhites · 08/08/2013 08:04

Yes you are Envy

Cheeseatmidnight · 08/08/2013 08:06

I think she needs a reality check re the sandwiches but she doesn't have to get a job.

My in laws are fairly well off and they all have very stressful days full off appointments running over and rude waiters at lunch, and they are always so busy, and it does annoy me as these are all things they have chosen to do eg lunches, hair, nails, flower arranging etc

I would never say anything though! It is their lifestyle ...

PearlyWhites · 08/08/2013 08:06

also you say this is not a sahm debate and then insult sahm by suggesting they are not a good roll model. I am quite offended by that comment tbh.

Mumsyblouse · 08/08/2013 08:07

Trigglesx the OP does suggest she do voluntary work. I disagree with you anyway about taking someone else's job- it's a waste of training and education if you want to look at it in mercenary terms to sit about not using those. It's also important that women are out and about visible in public life not all sat indoors worrying about sandwiches, so I don't agree that stepping back to let someone else do the work is a good idea at all (smacks of giving jobs back to the boys after WW2 and all those depressed housewives).

Mumsyblouse · 08/08/2013 08:08

Just to clarify, I don't think there's a moral obligation to work, but neither is there a moral obligation to step back and let others more needy take the job. Needs can include improved mental and physical health as well as money.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/08/2013 08:10

Doubt she would get a job if she stresses over making a sandwich so probably no use mentioning it anyway.

However if you are good friends you should be able to mention the moaning to her, we all have a moan at times but people who do it constantly do get on your nerves.

DumSpiroSpero · 08/08/2013 08:12

Yanbu to be fed up with the whinging, or to be a bit jealous (I would be too), but yabu to think she should get a job just because that's what you would do.

There could be reasons you don't know about her her continuing to stay at home, and the whingeing might actually be because she's bored senseless but her hands are tied.

ExcuseTypos · 08/08/2013 08:13

I have a life like hers, I've only worked part time for a short time and gave up. DH has a high pressured job and is often away for a whole week. It was bloody stressful being the only one having much parental input during the week. I didn't need to work, so why add stress to a family situation which wasn't necessary?

I did start doing a couple of days a week voluntary work when my DDs were at secondary school, but this friend's dc are still very young.

Don't tell her to get a job, maybe be a good friend and ask her if she's ok?

Mimishimi · 08/08/2013 08:14

Some pretty nasty statements here. The OP mentioned that she had a good job before the kids so not quite sure why the statements that she wouldn't be able to handle a real job anyway if she can't make a few sandwiches or that she will be an unfulfilled dullard (as if all jobs make women fulfilled and interestingWink).

Perhaps she wasn't moaning about the work involved with aking the sandwiches so much as the expectation that she make all of them because she obviously has nothing better to do with her time than swanning around lunching Hmm. Like how X assumed last week that she'd be ok to pick up X's kids after school and keep them until late because of a work emergency, that Y assumed in the same week that she would pick a few eBay parcels from the depot for Y because she doesn't trust her neighbours, or that Z, her DD's dance teacher, assumed she'd have the free time available to run up some tutus for the entire class.

You are the one defining her as the wife of a wealthy man OP, it's not necessarily how she regards herself or how her husband defines her. Perhaps she has other passions/interests outside of work (they do exist you know) which dampen her enthusiasm/time availability for being volunteered by others to making community picnic sandwiches.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 08/08/2013 08:21

Correct me if I'm wrong (I'm sure somebody will), but surely, especially in today's climate, no matter what standard of education you reached or how high-flying your career was, having been away from it for 8 years pretty much guarantees you're unlikely to be able to go back to the same work or anything remotely like it.

Maybe shop work or basic office admin don't appeal; she might feel spending hours of every day (or week), having to make childcare arrangements and struggling to cover school holidays is not worth the candle.

You assume she could easily return to that 'great job' or something similar but the fact is it's extremely unlimely she can and she probably doesn't care for the likely alternatives.

DoctorRobert · 08/08/2013 08:22

YABU.

Firstly, it's nothing to do with you.

Secondly, why does a mother have to return to work as soon as her DCs reach school age? Presumably she is there when they get home, and looks after them throughout the holidays?

As for the role model comment...my mother never returned to work after having me (I'm the oldest) & I still obtained a good education as did my siblings, all have a good work ethic.

And do you know what? It was wonderful always having my mum there throughout my childhood.

BlazinStoke · 08/08/2013 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitsilano · 08/08/2013 08:23

What you describe sounds very much like my situation, right down to the degree and ages of my children. But I don't just "float around having lunch".

My decision not to work for the time being is not one I took lightly, not simply because I can't be bothered. For a wide range of reasons I decided it was best for my family as a whole for me not to work at the moment. I though a lot about it, often feel I need to justify it even to myself, do worry about the example I set my daughters. But I still think it is the right thing and I am happy with my choice and grateful to have that choice.

Sure, I am self aware enough to know not to moan about occasional overloads. But I do actually end up busy with 2 children with relatively short terms and short school hours and having responsibility for all household stuff.

Perhaps you should find new friends who meet your standards in terms of a life.

TheFallenNinja · 08/08/2013 08:27

Are you Ian Duncan Smith?

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