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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

348 replies

sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:20

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

OP posts:
PoppyAmex · 09/08/2013 21:38

cantspel wrote the best post, that summarises the whole thread

"Oh look another thread where one woman thinks it is ok to tell another what she should be doing with her life.

I think i would have prefer to be back in the 1950's where we only had men telling women how to live their lives."

morethanpotatoprints · 09/08/2013 21:39

BoffinMum

If you caught me on a day when something major was happening with my dh/ dd, I would be stressed too.
You never know what somebody else has going on in their life.
Obviously they may have made choices that you wouldn't, but that doesn't make them less important to them, nor less stressful.

BoffinMum · 09/08/2013 21:40

Fair enough.

Arisbottle · 09/08/2013 21:42

I must live in a parallel universe because I have been a SAHM for years on end, rushed back to work within weeks of giving birth and everything in the middle. No one has ever criticised my choices and in fact they tend to give me far more credit than is due.

When being a SAHM people have said what a great mother I am for taking time out of my career . In reality I just wanted to do bugger all for a few years .

When I have worked people have wondered how I managed and admired my energy levels . In reality I was working to buy shoes and had chosen a job with the best pay for the least hours possible .

NorfolkIngWay · 09/08/2013 21:42

Equally Maca there are downsides - I remember the back to back chicken pox which meant home isolation for 4 weeks !

I am a WOHM who was SAHM when DC were tiny so have seen both sides and both roles have up/down sides .
Its dishonest to pretend otherwise and we are kidding ourselves if we don't acknowledge it.

NorfolkIngWay · 09/08/2013 21:43

Arisbottle Grin

Peacocklady · 09/08/2013 21:45

Good point davidjrmum. I work ft (apart from now as I'm a teacher) and my DH works from home as an artist within school hours. I wouldn't be happy if he decided actually he'd just potter and meet friends while the kids were at school instead.

Arisbottle · 09/08/2013 21:47

I couldn't leave my DH to work while I pottered about, which is the only reason I am not a SAHM now my youngest is at school . Instead I became a teacher so I could potter about living the life of Riley more than most other working people .

NorfolkIngWay · 09/08/2013 21:49

Hows your skin doing Arisbottle ?
I used to be a really bad singer by the way Wink

merrymouse · 09/08/2013 21:51

It sounds very boring, but from what you say she would have the resources to get a job (retraining/holiday and after school childcare as needed) so she has chosen this lifestyle.

As her friend, I think it would be friendly to encourage her to see that she has other options if she doesn't seem happy (and after 8 years she may feel a bit trapped). However if she is happy with her choices, albeit sometimes stressed, there doesn't seem much to worry about.

Arisbottle · 09/08/2013 21:52

I am getting obsessed with my nose and an probably making it worse as I keep touching it.

NorfolkIngWay · 09/08/2013 21:54

Don't touch and no massage !

MacaYoniandCheese · 09/08/2013 22:00

Oh Norfolk I was trying to be positive. Don't get me started on the downsides Wink. Equally though, I could rattle off the pros and cons of WOHPing...have done both too.

Basically, I think if you can't grizzle to a friend, them who can you grizzle to? We all have bad days.

NorfolkIngWay · 09/08/2013 22:04

Oh MacaYoni Sorry have been both and its fabulous and fucking shite sometimes as well !

davidjrmum · 09/08/2013 22:10

Macayoni. Would love to know what job your dh has. I work full time but I don't get any perks like that!

BlingBang · 09/08/2013 22:14

i potter about while husband works. he's quite happy with the status quo. if i was working he would have a more stressful life - not less. why would he want a more stressful life?

davidjrmum · 09/08/2013 22:18

Still would love to hear from someone who is happy to work while their dh potters about.

Arisbottle · 09/08/2013 22:19

I don't quite see how my spending the day in the gym , horse riding or having lunch makes my DH life less stressful .

Arisbottle · 09/08/2013 22:21

To be fair during the holidays when I am pottering about DH does not have to do anything around the house , as we both work our day starts at 5am. When I take over the running if the house we get to have a glorious lie in until 6am.

MacaYoniandCheese · 09/08/2013 22:24

"Fabulous and Fucking Shite Sometimes As Well" basically sums it all up, doesn't it? Grin. Whether you are a WOHP/SAHP/WAHP/SP...it's all a bit shite sometimes.

Davidsmum He's a principal consulting engineer. Dick-all engineering goes on from what I can gather though Wink. It's mostly schmoozing...and Blackberrying and conducting loud telephone conversations in corporate wank-speak.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/08/2013 22:34

Bling.

Me too, but also H.ed our dd too, along with dh.
I think there are so many ways that people earn their living, not everyone is 9-5 or office based, or even working in a conventional job.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/08/2013 22:38

davidjunior

My dh is happy for me to be a sahm, if my career had been as important to me as his is to him I would have continued.
I help him and our dd and without me sometimes they would not be able to do the things they do. They in turn along with ds1 and 2 support me. Surely this is what families and partners do in life. Confused

Arisbottle · 09/08/2013 22:39

If you are home educating you are not pottering about . Trust me if I was going to be a SAHM to school aged children I will not be HEing. I will be reading books, riding my horse and doing lunch .

Arisbottle · 09/08/2013 22:40

I clearly failed when I chose my DH. Grin

ExcuseTypos · 09/08/2013 22:54

I too "potter" around whilst DH works. He absolutely loves his job, works long hours (because of the nature of the job, not because I don't work). If I worked he would still work very long hours, I would work long hours and we would both be knackered and both hardly see the dc. I wouldn't want our family life to be like that.

Me not working means his life is much less stressful.

I do everything in the house, all finances, all dc running around, etc etc etc. it works for us both, we are both happy with how we have decided to run our lives.