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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

348 replies

sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:20

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

OP posts:
Peacocklady · 08/08/2013 17:03

YANBU she's incredibly privileged and should use some of her time, brains and cash to help others in some way. I don't understand how some people think they deserve to live in complete luxury.

Turniptwirl · 08/08/2013 17:12

Yabu

Clearly she can afford not to work so why wouldn't she? If I could chose whether to work or not I would hand my notice in tomorrow!

If she worked people would be quick to jump on her for abandoning her kids even though they're at school, or even for taking a job that someone else "needs more than her".

Turniptwirl · 08/08/2013 17:13

I do think something voluntary or for the community would be nice but its not obligatory! I do that sort of thing because I enjoy it, not because I feel I ought to

LentilofDoom · 08/08/2013 17:20

If I've understood a lot of the posts on this thread correctly, we appear to have lost the moral right to look after our own children?

And private individuals appear to have no right to decide what they do with their own time in case they should one day have the misfortune of turning to the state?

So we are now all a CV; no more, no less. Wonderful.

catinabox · 08/08/2013 17:26

yeah you are. The moaning about making sandwiches and being stressed would be a bit annoying though.

TheWickedBitchOfTheBest · 08/08/2013 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LentilofDoom · 08/08/2013 17:39

TheWicked, how do you know there are no goals or markers of achievement? Or is it just that there are no goals or achievements which you can see, and of which you approve?

wordfactory · 08/08/2013 17:45

I know more than enough women like this OP.

They have children in secondary school (some boarding), have cleaners, gardeners etc etc yet when you see them (usually bang in the middle of the day over a longish lunch) they bang on about how busy they are, or how exhausted they are.

Years ago, I used to genuiniely ask with what. Now I just smile and nod.

I will poke fun at a few close friends who do it. And they usually end up laughing at themsleves.

wordfactory · 08/08/2013 17:47

lentil if you live in a certain environment where the majority of mums SAH because their other halves work in the city, you definitely do find women like this!

Busy doing nothing. And not happy about it.

Treaguez · 08/08/2013 17:47

Does she really not do anything?

I only ask because I do loads of things, including running a very fledgling business, and whenever I try to mention it to friends who work in 'normal' jobs, they show zero interest. It is pretty niche so I don't expect them to fall over themselves, but tbh I have been surprised by the non-response. It seems there is a template for being a working mother: I don't fit the template, I don't use the idiom (and didn't when I was a f/t working mother in a normal job), therefore I do not count.

I actually gave up trying to talk about any of the work I do about a year ago, and notice that the normally-employed simply do not stop congratulating themselves on how busy they are. I am actually busy too, but able to be almost completely flexible whilst still making p/t wages. I just think 'fuck you' and tune it out.

Anyway, I just meant, she might be doing plenty of interesting things and not telling you about them because you're being boring about work.

maddening · 08/08/2013 17:50

Yabu in that it's her business.

Yanbu in that it can be annoying to hear of the stresses of making sandwiches and the dealings of a relatively luxurious lifestyle but then her problems are her problems and yours are yours - if you like her as a friend then you should live and let live.

I wouldn't like to waste my talents personally but it is her choice and she can afford to do.

I also wouldn't like being totally dependent on a husband eg in the event of divorce/job losses etc

Treaguez · 08/08/2013 17:53

The 'making sandwiches is stressful' thing is surely more 'I have got roped into doing this thing by people I don't want to hang around with and who do not value my time' isn't it?
I doubt she's that fussed by making some sandwiches. She's probably more bothered by the people involved, and isn't that fair enough?

LessMissAbs · 08/08/2013 17:57

TheWickedBitch They live lives which are essentially empty and without focus, where there are no goals or markers of achievement

This. Its the sheer lack of achievement and wasting of time. Or under-achievement. Whats the point of all that expensive education if you simply pass on the message to your children that once you have children, everything outside the home stops?

Does'nt she even have a hobby or something to provide her with a goal in life?

From reading some posts on here, you would honestly think it is impossible for women to both work and raise children.

wordfactory · 08/08/2013 17:58

I dunno treag I know a host of women who turn everything into a three act drama.

I've heard endless carping over the smallest of tasks, as said tasks were turned into hurculean burdens.

I've heard of women sourcing birthday gifts, or cheese, or paint. Women doing research into puppy training classes... you know, stuff that you or I wouldn't even consider a moment's work!!!

Treaguez · 08/08/2013 18:01

Well wordfactory I'd hazard a guess that the same type of woman but with a job is probably the type I find very boring Grin

catinabox · 08/08/2013 18:04

God, if i didn't have to go to work and could afford a cleaner etc I have a huge pile of completely meaningful and fulfilling things i'd do all day that would give me a massive sense of achievement

wordfactory · 08/08/2013 18:05

Oh sure treag.

I think some personality types are taken to over analysing/drawing out problems/turing every chore-lette into a day's work!

I suppose though, it is all the more ludicrous when the person doing it actually has very little in the way of pressures placed upon them Grin...

cumfy · 08/08/2013 18:09

YABU, her family have already monopolised a more than fair share of the "work pie".

She is at least freeing up a job for someone who may have a greater need of it.

wordfactory · 08/08/2013 18:13

*cumfy8 that was a joke right? Grin

You do know economies and employment doesn't work that way right?

Treaguez · 08/08/2013 18:15

Yes it's annoying word factory, whoever is doing it, and silly when it seems to take place in a vacuum of non-achievement and emptiness Grin

(More generally) I think people's lives are a lot more complex than they seem, though. I haven't gone back to my previous career because it's logistically difficult for some very boring reasons, and also because I know the career trajectory and I know our family life and I don't think it is worth juggling.
Plus I had a very complicated time of it health wise, which I tend not to talk about, and took a couple of years out from work more than I would have done normally. There was an impact of that on my mental health which I'm only just becoming aware of, really. I'd like to confide in my working friends but they seem to have written me off as a low achiever and only talk to me about their work in a rather patronising and short way, as if I'd know nothing about it (I did actually work f/t with a child, also, I'm not an idiot).
So I've used the time to do a variety of good projects and my CV, though not full, is not bad. I've taken on some big things and have so many more skills than I had (no, not 'laundry technician' or 'peacekeeper') and am now self-employed. I have to admit it hurts to read some of the posts here about empty lives, as I have the distinct impression that's how some people I know see me. Too bad, really. Nice people but blinkered and lacking imagination a bit I feel.

AnxiousAugusta · 08/08/2013 18:18

Agree that most jobs are overrated.
Would rather fly to NewYork for fun than to "pitch" to clients.
Would pay cleaner to make the sandwiches.

LentilofDoom · 08/08/2013 18:25

And without fail they are all quite unhappy and discontented women.

Word, I know a lot of women who don't work out of the home in the circumstances you describe, and I find I am unable to generalise about them. I don't see how wicked can say unequivocally that all the SAHMs she knows are unhappy and discontented. It is quite simply not my experience.

I just wonder why anyone really cares what other people do with their time? If they're your friends, then they're your friends. If you have no respect for their life choices, then really, they're not.

FreddieStarrAteMyHamster · 08/08/2013 18:25

If rich people want to outsource every chore in their life to others that is their business. But it is certainly ok for the rest of us to feel a bit judgy when they then moan to us about being stressed. The problem with doing very little is every small thing can become a huge chore. I've noticed this with my mum and her friends since they retired and how the smallest task can become the focus of the whole day.

wordfactory · 08/08/2013 18:27

Treag I know it can be very complicated.

Most of my SAHM mates gave up work for a variety of reasons. Not least because thier husbands work long hours in demanding jobs. Many of them also had similar jobs.

It's very hard to make two similar careers work and have DC. DH and I found it very hard and I quit being a lawyer...

Some have made the absolute best of it. I think I have Grin. But a sizable number have turned it into a strange twilight zone of being convinced they never stop wihtout ever really starting.

One thing I have noticed is that SAHDs seem to make much less heavy weather of it and like you (and I) are actually doing all manner of things below thye surface...

LentilofDoom · 08/08/2013 18:29

Treaguez, it sounds like you had a tough time, and in no way should you feel you have to justify yourself. Blinkered people who lack imagination tend not to make good friends.

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