AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

[sunshine75]

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

YABU and jealous. So I am though!

Well said PassTheTwiglets!

A number of people here have said that getting a decent job after 8 years SAHM is pretty much impossible. That wasn't my experience. Not assuming anything about whether people ought to go back to work, just saying those who do, shouldn't give up hope.

I'd be irritated by a diva who was too precious to get her hands dirty with anything approaching a normally busy life. But the bulk of SAHM are not like that.

Gosh, I've rattled a few feathers here - I didn't expect such vitriol.

I was simply suggesting that to not do any paid work, voluntary work or take up any hobbies etc for 8 years but then moan about how busy and stressful your life is can be a tad irritating.

I still love her to bits - she's been my friend forever - she just annoys me sometimes and I think (just my opinion) she could do with a reality check sometimes.

She sounds a bit tedious, but her employment situation is none of your business.

You sound bitter and jealous.

You sound like you need a reality check, too, just suggesting, of course : if her moaning bothers you, tell her, without your value judgments about jobs, work ethic, etc.

Well I am with the OP. I think if the SAHM is unhappy she needs to get a grip and retrain to do something useful, or get involved in some voluntary work. We all have a responsibility to do something worthwhile with our lives, and to be as happy as we can.

I would sit her down and advise this over a nice cup of tea in her kitchen, btw, offering a bit of support finding a course or whatever.

That would be the end of our friendship, Boffin, if you made such a nasty, snipey, judgmental appraisal of my life and then used tea and biscuits and 'finding me a course' as a pretext to push your own idea of what life should be on me.

'We' don't have a responsibility to do jack shit but not harm others.

Do something useful? Being a SAHP isn't 'useful'?

FFS.

And in her own home, of course, drinking her tea.

'By the way, your life is useless. Here, let me help you make it what I consider useful in The World According to Me.'

WTF?

OK, OK....let's calm down people.
I think the OP is WONDERING if the sandwich griping is a sign her friend is unfulfilled - NOT that she's assuming she is.

I'm thinking about the routine work tasks that I have to do every week that drive me insane....the Spreadsheet of Ultimate Doom, for one.

I love a good gripe about that when I'm settling down to do it - does that mean I hate my job/find it unfulfilling? Not a whit.

The OP isn't foisting any sort of life choice on her friend.
BoffinMum has poss got a step ahead and is making her suggestions based on the friend actually BEING unfulfilled or bored, or lacking in confidence, in which case she's actually being a very good friend.

Saucy :(

I have a 7 and 9 year old who are both extremely challenging to parent - to the point that it's easy to become bogged down because it feels like every moment is spent firefighting and unable to just enjoy their company, sometimes and it comes across in how I talk about them when we're going through a particularly difficult patch. They both have ASD and one has ADHD, so believe me, "difficult" can be an understatement.

If I found myself using such hideous language to describe either of them as you just did to describe your daughter, that would be the point when I accepted that we needed outside intervention to help us as a family.

Yes, if the OPs best friend in the whole world, wistfully mentions being bored/stressed/wanting to get back to work, (and I can see it grating a little) why shouldn't the OP sit down with a cup of tea and chat to her about what to do about it? Mention OU, Volunteering, or whatever?

As she said (has anyone read any of her follow up comments?) her friend has said she might like to go back to work, but also appears to have lost confidence.

Think you are taking this rather more seriously than OP expected. but that is the nature of AIBU isn't it

Unless sandwich making is her much loved hobby, she is doing volunteer work.

We all have a responsibility to do something worthwhile with our lives... And bringing up DC and taking care of your home and family are a lot more worthwhile than the vast majority of paid jobs.

Sandwich making is, however, rarely worthwhile and enough to drive people of reasonable intelligence to distraction with boredom after more than 2 minutes.

Boffin would you really do that?

I would be bloody horrified if someone did that to me.

What about the reverse situation, if I sat a working mum friend down and said 'now about all these childcare issues you keep having, have you ever thought of giving up work? Why don't I help you with some budgeting?'.
I would fully expect a clip round the ear if I was ever so utterly fucking stupid to do such a thing, which I wouldn't be.

Ooh I love these threads - they always turn into a bunfight

I think you do sound a little envious OP. But at the same time, maybe the fact that your friend is getting stressed over something so daft could tell you that having a rich husband doesn't guarantee happiness, so there probably isn't much to be jealous of anyway.

I have had periods of working and not working since having the DC. Personally,being a SAHM didn't really work for me long-term. I enjoyed it for a couple of years then started getting itchy feet. It probably made a big difference that I had actually really loved my job - which I then went back to (PT) and still love it. If I had to do a boring job I hated I'm sure I would rather be a SAHM again...

I read somewhere that as long as you have enough money to cover the basics, ie a decent roof over your head, food in the cupboards and bills paid, anything over that doesn't actually increase your happiness levels. Good health, good relationships and your outlook on life are the important things

I hate making sandwiches, btw. I can cook a pasta dish in less time than it takes to make sarnies for 4 of us. If I needed to provide them for a crowd, I'd be ordering in.

YABU! sounds like a bloody good life to me . In her situation I think I'd do voluntary work to avoid boredom as getting a job would take one away from someone who really needs one.

I do apologise ouryve

She's not an arsehole. She's a fucking cunt. Better?

Now take your sadfacing and bore off.

Am I strange that I love making sandwiches then? I actually volunteer to do it for friends' parties etc!

It's probably more to do with the playing with paper doilies and cake stands than the actual putting together of a sandwich

I rarely say this, but I feel sorry for your daughter, saucy.