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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

348 replies

sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:20

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 08/08/2013 07:23

Sorry but yes you are.

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/08/2013 07:25

Yes you are.

Its not that easy to find a job that works around children when you haven't worked for several years.

Indith · 08/08/2013 07:25

Up to her though isn't it. She has chosen her life.

If you were concerned about her, thinking she wanted to work but lacked confidence after children then that would be different and I be saying of course talk to her gently but it sounds like she has made her choice in life. And that is what it is about, having the choice.

LazyFaire · 08/08/2013 07:25

YANBU to feel a bit jealous i am too

YWBU to do or say anything to her.

SIBU to say lunching and making sandwiches for a picnic amounts to a stressful life, but you never know what is going on behind closed doors so maybe she is stressed?

TeWiSavesTheDay · 08/08/2013 07:25

I think you are a bit yes. Sorry.

She doesn't sound very happy if she's stressing out about making sandwiches either...

Relaxedandhappyperson · 08/08/2013 07:26

She doesn't sound like she's enjoying it much. But presumably you're not jealous of that bit!

I think you just have to take the view that it's up to her what she does. You can think she should get a job but you'd probably better not say it! Unless maybe you get onto "proper conversation" and you can ask her how she feels about doing nothing - whether she enjoys it or would rather have a goal/purpose day-to-day. But don't follow that up with "get a bloody job" either!

LondonMother · 08/08/2013 07:27

You may BU but your friend is VVVVU to talk about being stressed by having to make some sandwiches. Unless she is actually suffering from clinical levels of anxiety she has lost perspective.

PoppyAmex · 08/08/2013 07:29

I'm sorry but you are.

Don't worry though, this thread will soon fill with people telling you that she's miserable, her DH probably cheats on her and other charming assumptions.

Because women aren't allowed to be happy in their own terms, there must be lots of strife.

Mimishimi · 08/08/2013 07:30

YABU if she's not moaning about her financial situation or asking you for cash. You have no right to say what sort of role model she should be.

AKissIsNotAContract · 08/08/2013 07:32

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe she's stressed because her husband isn't very nice and she's trapped. People used to be jealous of my mum's life (married to a wealthy man, didn't have to work). If only they saw the reality of the abuse she tolerated.

Jinty64 · 08/08/2013 07:32

YABU and, yes, you are just being a jealous cow. She should not be moaning about her "difficult life" but if she is moaning to you then it is up to you to tell her that she has choices but she can afford to choose not to work and that, in my opinion is a reasonable choice.

I do not believe that people should have to go Back to work once the children go to school, private or not. I found it a lot easier to work when the ds's were babies than it is now they are all in school. I think there are huge advantages to one parent staying at home and this makes them no less of a role model.

And I work full time.

daisychain01 · 08/08/2013 07:33

Nice life.

YANBU because you acknowledge you are a bit Envy

But why bother yourself over her employment decisions!? OK so she goes and gets a suppa duppa job, to add to her already charmed existence then what will you do, come back on AIBU and say she is taking employment away from someone who really needs the money? It may be that your friend wont win....

PS we all have a whinge about stuff that seems minor to other people, its just that, a little whinge!

Original poster
sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:33

Okay - fair enough. I will just think quietly to myself 'get a bloody job' and accept that there is a little bit of the green eyed monster there.

She does talk about how she may go back to work but doesn't do anything about it. Maybe you are right and she lacks confidence after 8 years out of the workplace. I just think she has totally lost her own identity and seems to be defined now as wife of wealthy man and mother.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 08/08/2013 07:34

I agree that it would be good for her children to see her do something other than swan around, like volunteer work.

With the sandwiches, I think I'd have wondered how organising sandwiches was stressful, but if you've got nothing to do, then having to shift your arse probably is stressful. The best person to get to do something is a busy person, as they'll just get on with it.

greenfolder · 08/08/2013 07:34

If things she says genuinely irritate you then tell her. No harm in gently pointing out that making sarnies is not stressful. Wouldn't comment on any other aspect of her life though!

digerd · 08/08/2013 07:36

She must be bored though? Everything in life has its pros and cons.

Mimishimi · 08/08/2013 07:37

Also, was it expected that she make all the sandwiches because all the other mum's are working? If she was making ten, then yes, it's a bit whiny. If she was making 100, not so much. People tend to make a lot of assumptions about your financial situation and how much free time you have (to help them usually).

Famzilla · 08/08/2013 07:37

YABU. She doesn't need a job. There are not enough jobs out there and I would much rather they went to people who needed them, not people who got them just to stop their mates from getting jealous. Sorry.

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 07:40

Yes, this is the life that one of my SILs lives.
You are being petty and jealous and I know how that feels, but she made her choices as you did yours. I'd like three holidays, a new car and the latest stuff, but I didn't marry a rich man and my job won't support that lifestyle.
She isn't your best friend if you can't let go of the envy.

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/08/2013 07:40

Golly, why should she get a job though? Presumably she's looking after her children during the long holidays and they are long when your dc's are at private school.

And its pretty insulting to say she's not a good role model to her dd's because she does't work.

mrslyman · 08/08/2013 07:42

The thing is nice as it sounds to have all of that help, it probably does magnify a loss of confidence (if that is what she has which the sandwich thing may well be a symptom of).

If you want to help rather than telling her to get a job you could do something with her to help her build her confidence.

formicadinosaur · 08/08/2013 07:43

Her kids are quite young still really - 6 and 8. She must run a large house and even with a cleaner that can take time.

I guess she is well looked after/rested/pampered and in turn has good stamina to look after everyone else well. I'm definitely jealous!

I'm sure she will do something when she is ready.

formicadinosaur · 08/08/2013 07:45

Holidays are stupidly long with private schools

MonstersDontCry · 08/08/2013 07:45

Money wise, she obviously doesn't need a job. If she got one, she would be taking a job opportunity away from someone who did need the money.

If she thought making a few sandwiches was hard work, how would she cope with a job anyway?

racmun · 08/08/2013 07:46

You sound very jealous.

I had a privileged up bringingy mum didn't work and I still we t to uni etc as did all my siblings so not hav

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