AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

[sunshine75]

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

Your jealous - so am i

It's very annoying when other people assume that SAHMs whose families are comfortably off are by definition available to do chores and errands for the wider community...

A trip to tescos involves her pointing at the items she wants & her housekeeper putting them in the trolly & pushing it around the shop. It's a ridiculously artificial way to live and I wouldn't swap my life for hers.

She probably trusts you and therefore thinks she can have a moan bout whatever, ie having to make sandwiches,without bringing her privileged life into it.

Sorry but yabu. Its sour grapes. You are supposed to be on her side.

YANBU to find someone whose world has become so small that making sandwiches is a big deal boring.

People are often friends with those who have a similar outlook im life to themselves. I haven't got any friends who are SAHMs, and I often read on here about SAHMs complaining they have no friends.

I also know a few women who have given up work on moving in with their boyfriends, and who live off them totally who have no DCs, and I dont respect them at all.

At least your friend has proven she can pay her own way in life before 'retiring'. She does sound rather tedious though. I have a similar friend, in ny degree class at uni then instead of getting a job, married a rich ugly older man and makes a point if telling you how much her house is worth. Instead of being impressed, I simply think she didn't contribute to it and that she's sold out and put money before personal pride in herself. She now has 3dcs, I honestly tried to keep in touch but after two cancelled lunch dates in a row and constantly being told she was in too much hurry to speak on the phone, I gave up.

I do think if your world has become so small that Maki g sandwiches is a big deal, your friend should have the intelligence to do something about it and achieve something in life. She doesn't need to go back to work, she could do sport, or photography, or become a skilled flower arranger - anything that involves some striving to excel, so that hopefully she can pass those traits onto her dcs.

Ps I'd be jel too tho.

LessMiss no wonder your friend cancelled lunch dates with you and was too busy to talk on the phone.

You sound a delightful 'friend'

I'd like to defend the sandwich-making stress. I get anxious when catering for other people - especially if they're likely to be judgy about it, which might well be the case here. Do you go fancy, do you keep it simple? You can do both, but the more you do, the more some people will think you're showing off. There is likely to be a wide range of tastes, and they're all an unknown quantity.

It doesn't mean I can't cope with stress/a demanding job, or that I've nothing else to worry about in my life. I might well have a little wail to a friend about it (you should have heard me when I was afraid I'd used mouldy flour to make a cake for the school fair, and was convinced I'd poisoned the entire staff and student body).

Lots of good points here.
I don't know if it's actual envy on OP's part, or just a failure to put herself in her friend's shoes...I notice that she took on board the comments very quickly.

Practically, as others have said, private school hols are long, she's probably already (at least) a part-time PA to her DH, and we can see she's doing some voluntary work already.

It may well be a confidence issue, I know we're focussing on the sarnies, but that's just one example of her whinges.

OP...what else does she complain about? It might actually be so that she has something to talk about that DOESN'T make her sound over-privileged....maybe she senses that people think this. I'd find making a shed load of sandwiches a royal PITA....I'm happier making cakies.

YAB ridiculous. She'd probably love a job, but after 8 years out all she could get would be something way below her qualification, at a significantly reduced salary. That's if she can even get one. It isn't easy when you've been a SAHM. Then there is the wealthy husband. Most have a really negative attitude to working at something they consider demeaning (i.e. lower than her qualification) and are very scathing about the salary, as in it isn't worth it as they can earn in a month what she could in a year.

I know, because I am in exactly this position, only with a younger child. I am highly qualified and a national prize winner in my professional job, but can't even get interviews because 1. I've been out of the market for too long 2. I am over qualified for the roles they might consider me for.

It is utterly soul destroying, and she probably moans because she is stressed and disheartened.

Wind your neck in.

You're making a very good observation there, Worcestershire. High-earning husbands and partners can be very dismissive of the relatively low salaries from part-time or occasional jobs, and if his job is the big bacon-bringer, it'll ALWAYS take precedence. This leads to a lot of tension and stress, and almost always ends up with the wife packing it in after a real - and very one-sided - power struggle.

What a horrible friend you sound. Why is it any of your concern that her kids are in private school or she lives in a nice house? The only one defining her by these things seems to be you. Don't see her anymore if she makes you feel so bitter!

YANBU. Are her diamond shoes too tight? Stressed that her £50's won't fit in her purse? Sounds like she's doing it on purpose to pull rank and play lady of the manor.

It was her choice to have 8 years out. Wish I had that choice. Went back to work when DS2 was 8 mo and having 7 fits a day (epileptic). Some people don't know how flipping lucky they are (I have a couple of friends in same position as op's SAHM friend).

LessMissAbs With your tedious opinions about SAHMs I'd be cancelling lunch dates and pretending to be too busy to talk on the phone too.

Agree with LessMis

I dont think yabu. I have a friend like this. Her she spends some time doing the garden
she also gets far too involved in our village primary school , undermining the head, writing long complaint letters about trivialities and expecting all other "mummies" (not dads you'll note) to drop things at a moments notice to do pta things.

I think she needs to get out a bit develop her own identity more(cos shes lovelyreally). It also concerns me that shes completely financially dependent on her dh..... But that might be just me

some interesting points. i'm a sahm to school age children. husband on a big salary and nice lifestyle. i feel very lucky though and try not to whinge to friends, nearly all of whom work. part of me knows i should be stretching myself more and sometimes envy my friendsa little who seem to have more purpose and some of their own money coming in etc - then i see how tired and stressed they often are and don't want that unnecessary stress for probably a min wage and all the housework and kid stuff. it's not always straight forward. but yes, i worry about my confidence and when the kids are gone etc.

YAB a BIT U.

I am a single parent working full time and I have a lot of friends like this from my married days. When I was on my own and had to get a job to support everyone, their moans about their stressful lifestyles used to make me wince.

My children are now teens and whilst most of my friends were quite happy when their children were young, now the DC are off doing their own thing, many of them are struggling with their identity, and finding that although they are bright, articulate and really well qualified (Oxbridge, lawyers etc) and would love to go back out into work, they cant get jobs as they have been out of the workplace for so long.

Meanwhile, I still have my nose to the grindstone and juggle looking after my family with a senior job. While they are making sandwiches, I am off to the New York for a day to pitch to clients.

Ironically, some of them now admit to envying MY lifestyle

YABU. It's none of your business!

She sounds a bit like my mother - does not need to work, is not inclined to volunteer, has no hobbies or pastimes (besides hypochondri)..

She thinks she is busy and moans a lot about trivial things that she considers stressful. It is a miserable way to live.

If my circumstances ever mean that working does not make sense I will find some other way to contribute.

I think you sound a little envious but then I would be too. I would love not to have to work, not so that I could swan about lunching but because work is boring! I'd love to have time to read, study, learn, do long bike rides etc. I think jobs are hugely overrated. Sadly I will never be in a position where I don't have to work so that's just a dream.

You come across and judgy.

She has choices some people dont (to work or not to) and because she has chosen not to - does not make it wrong or immoral.

People make different choices about their lives, people have different values, some people dont have choices - all make up lifes rich tapestry and it does not make their choices right or wrong.

Sandwich making is dull - no wonder she moaned. Even if she does have lots of spare time on her hands, surely a lack of enthusiasm for bulk sandwich making is understandable. Don't you ever find yourself doing stuff you are not that keen to and not just down to lack to time??