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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

348 replies

sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:20

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

OP posts:
LilacPeony · 08/08/2013 08:31

How many sandwiches are we talking about here? If I had to make sandwiches for my whole community I would have a moan as I'd be making several hundred. In fact I'd refuse to do it

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 08/08/2013 08:36

Actually, I fecking hate making sandwiches. I inwardly moan every day when I'm making the packed lunches.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 08/08/2013 08:37

Meant to say making th for a community picnic would send me over the edge.

Mimishimi · 08/08/2013 08:37

I have a strong feeling the OP might have had a hand in the 'allocating' Grin.

stillenacht · 08/08/2013 08:41

How can someone who has 6 hours off a day get overwhelmed with household stuff?!?!

I work full time, have two DCs (one with severe disability-sleep disturbances, no personal care etc) and do all the household stuff. How on earth can it be stressful with 6 hours off everyday? Am I jealous? Damn right. Bloody lucky woman.

MarshaBrady · 08/08/2013 08:42

I would hate doing sandwiches. I don't even have to do them for a packed lunch. She's probably happy, just outsources everything not that enjoyable.

MarshaBrady · 08/08/2013 08:43

Ha Mimi.

HoikyPoiky · 08/08/2013 08:44

YABU and judgey.

Bonsoir · 08/08/2013 08:46

I am a SAHM and don't ever make sandwiches. If we need sandwiches I buy them ready made (very delicious ones from the bakery). I would get tetchy if I had to make a lot of sandwiches as I would find it incredibly tiresome.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 08/08/2013 08:47

YABU to say anything about her life choices, which are hers to make, though I could understand a bit of silent growling to yourself.

But YANBU to reply to moans about the sandwiches with 'Come on, X, it's hardly going down the mines, is it?' If she finds it too stressful or imposing she could have said no.

angelicstar · 08/08/2013 08:48

You sound a bit jealous to me OP.

I also can't believe that just because this woman has moaned once about making some sandwiches everyone is extrapolating from that that she must be board, unfulfilled and unhappy! I do feel that some people on here seem to desperately want SAHMs to be miserable. Why can't they just accept that whilst some people want to work some are very happy to stay at home and look after their children?

She was probably just making conversation about the sandwiches - I assume as it is the school holidays at the mo then she is trying to look after 2 small DC and it might be a pain having to make the sandwiches for a whole community picnic.

OP it's not really any of your business what your friend does and we are all allowed to have a moan occasionally.

QuintessentiallyOhDear · 08/08/2013 08:50

Yab U.

It is difficult to find work. You are miffed that a rich woman have the good sense and grace to not take a job that somebody else would rely upon to put food on the table.

Stop being jealous.

iamadoozermum · 08/08/2013 08:50

My DH is the SAHP. People are always asking me about when he's going to go back to work and what he'll do once all the DCs are at school (will be a while as youngest is only 7 months). I had always wondered whether people would say the same if he was a SAHM and I guess I know the answer now Smile.

As far as we're concerned, as long as we can afford to keep one of us at home (and it will probably always be DH as I've got more earning power), then why should he go and WOH unless he really wants to. Makes it much easier when DCs are ill etc and probably cheaper as even after school and holiday care only for 4 is going to be expensive. He has a degree and had a good job before DCs just like your friend.

My mum was a SAHM and has never really worked since having me but she wasn't a poor role model. My younger DS and I both have very good jobs and multiple degrees and good partnerships. She was involved in the schools in a way that I wish I was able to which I really appreciated growing up. I have also read about a trend for parents to be at home during the teenage years as they consider this to be a vulnerable phase which benefits from a parent being at home rather than at work, which I thought was interesting.

Hamwidgeandcheps · 08/08/2013 08:50

Yabu..... But...she IBU to whine about anything Grin

Bonsoir · 08/08/2013 08:50

I also never bake cakes for school sales etc. Cooking for community events is quite beyond me - too dull for words.

Whothefuckfarted · 08/08/2013 08:51

I'm jealous too!

Swanning around lunching most days sounds perfect to me! I'd be excited about making the sandwiches Grin I love food though..

pianodoodle · 08/08/2013 08:56

I think it's unreasonable to expect a friend not to have a bit of a moan to another friend just because they have a more enviable lifestyle.

Everyone has a moan whether they're "entitled" to or not :)

Fairylea · 08/08/2013 08:57

It is perfectly possible to be a good role model by purely being a wife and mother and nothing else..you don't need to do voluntary work to be a good role model!

I really hate this thing in society where everyone is defined by work. Yes we all need to survive and put food on the table either by working or supporting a partner (man or woman) who does work and keeping a home going but seriously I find it so infuriating that every single thing is geared towards "and what do you DO?"

A job doesn't define who a person is or what kind of person they are, not unless they want it to.

I've done all kinds of jobs- marketing manager, restaurant manager, washer upper (! ), bakery assistant, cleaner ....! And now I'm a sahm. No plans to ever return to work. I'm happiest at home.

Mimishimi · 08/08/2013 08:58

"But YANBU to reply to moans about the sandwiches with 'Come on, X, it's hardly going down the mines, is it?' If she finds it too stressful or imposing she could have said no."

But she was allocated them Snazzy, she didn't volunteer herself...

NoComet · 08/08/2013 08:59

I'd love to just get a fucking job now the DDs are at Senior school and don't need picking up.

But you can't just walk into a job having not worked for 15 years and having no experience (post grad degree, but then DD1 came along, so I didn't use it).

The DDs still have long holidays and need transport and a bit of supervision.

I'm not good at making friends or networking and I don't know where to start.

MammaTJ · 08/08/2013 09:01

There aren't enough jobs to go round as it is. She is doing the community a lot of good by staying out of the workplace and leaving a job available for someone who needs it.

I would have told her to get a grip where the sandwich making was concerned though. Grin

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/08/2013 09:01

You are definitely jealous.

And people with your attitude are why I make sure that none of the mums I know at school know that I have a cleaner (am a SAHM). People make a lot of assumptions and I can be doing without that.

The sandwich job sounds like a nightmare and is exactly the kind of thing I would hate.

Potterer · 08/08/2013 09:02

Well I am a SAHM with two children aged 10 and 7.

My DH earns far more than I ever could imagine to earn, we both have degrees but he has a career, I had a job.

My MIL was a SAHM my own lovely Mum worked full time.

People constantly ask me "so what do you do all day?" it depends on the tone how I answer Grin I don't have a cleaner, and let me tell you that those hours that the children are in school fly by because I do all the household stuff plus I tend to help out other people re shopping etc because I am already out and about doing it.

And no I do not lunch. Ever.

I suppose if your friend talked about how amazing her life was then she would be condemned for that too, so she just can't win. If money allows her to stay home then why should she work? I have had lots of comments about getting a job but if I did then childcare would take not only my salary but part of DH's too, which would mean we would be worse off. I have been a SAHM for 9 years and it wasn't planned, it just happened when we relocated with DH's job.

I do some volunteer work which I love but it is only for a few hours because they are inundated with other SAHMs who also volunteer Grin

Pagwatch · 08/08/2013 09:02

Pianodoodle
I agree with that.
There is a real martyr thing around 'it's alright for you...' as if being financially sorted means you are not allowed to be irritated or complain about anything, ever.
It's the real life version of 'well if that's all you have to worry about OP then you are bloody lucky' [tight arse, sour faced burning martyr face]

raisah · 08/08/2013 09:03

I have a friend in a similar circumstances & she does irritate me with what I percieve to be her petty moaning. However, after staying with her for a weekend I feel sorry for her now because she is trapped & has no identity of her own. For example, she can't do anything or go anywhere without a family or staff member. In the beginning she was thrilled to have a cook etc & became quickly dependent on them to the extent that she is unable to do basic things because she doesn't know how to do them. The thought of making sandwiches for a picnic would fill her with terror as would living independently like the rest of us.