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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

348 replies

sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:20

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

OP posts:
TheWickedBitchOfTheBest · 08/08/2013 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWickedBitchOfTheBest · 08/08/2013 21:58

This reply has been deleted

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BoffinMum · 08/08/2013 23:10

I bloody would, as her friend, but very tactfully and only when she started telling me yet again how stressed and miserable she was. I would make enquiries and if appropriate suggest very politely that a bit of getting out the house for work or volunteering might be a real option, and if she showed any interest, I'd ask if I could be of any help. And if I had childcare problems I would be delighted if someone had ideas that might help - again, as long as they were tactful and really listened to what the problem was before launching in (which has to be the ground rule).

I'd hate to see any friend of mine so miserable.

oldham70 · 08/08/2013 23:30

Few things. How can anyone suggest that she is miseable because she is unhappy about making sandwiches for community picnic. I would be pissed off too if I had to make say 100 sandwiches.
Also I do not buy this "she will be up the creek if she gets divorced etc etc." No she won't as she will get very good child maintenance if her dh is that wealthy.
O and op yabu.

oldham70 · 08/08/2013 23:31

O and if she was asked to make sandwiches it would also suggest that she is involved in the community and does volunteer.

oldham70 · 08/08/2013 23:34

O and this attitude that once dc are at school you should get a job is annoying too. Private schools have even longer hols than state schools.

Viviennemary · 08/08/2013 23:44

She has a charmed life it would appear. She married a rich man. What a wise choice. Grin

FreudiansSlipper · 08/08/2013 23:56

what have long holidays at private schools got do with working

If you can afford private education you should be able to afford at least part time holiday care

I put it down more to cba to do much

Mimishimi · 09/08/2013 00:29

Wow. At the same time when there is a thread about rising childhood obesity levels, imagine if someone posted that it could be very well because both parents often leave home at 7:30am, don't get back home until after seven and 'can't be arsed' to make healthy dinners or pack healthy lunches. That their kids are fed a steady diet of heavily processed foods at these care centers, if not the outright bad stuff like pizzas, chips etc. That's the equivalent if what you just posted Freudian. She might have a whole bunch of reasons for not working which have nothing to do with us unless she expects us to support her. If it's an issue with her husband, that's between them. Why can't we just accept her choices without having to label her a useless fecker who cba?

Peacocklady · 09/08/2013 08:01

I'm confused, where does it say cba to work= feeding kids crap? It looks like two issues have been randomly linked.

Oh and on a side note someone said on here that marriages where the woman works are more likely to end in divorce... Perhaps they have more choices?

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 09/08/2013 08:21

Or perhaps marriages of SAHM are happier ones.

Peacocklady · 09/08/2013 08:25

I believe that was the original point, I was offering an alternative view.

Mimishimi · 09/08/2013 08:55

It would be just as unfair to blame rising obesity levels on all dual income families as it is to say that all women with kids at school who don't work don't because they cba. The point wasn't about the obesity, it's about the generalizations.

FreudiansSlipper · 09/08/2013 09:04

where did i say anyone was a useless fucker Hmm

i pointed out that having children in private school where the holidays are longer is not an excuse to not work in some way. Fine if you do not want to but don't hide behind and make excuses you cba too you enjoy staying at home the managing of job/home life is not for you at least be honest

LentilofDoom · 09/08/2013 09:28

Again, Freudian, why is anyone's reasoning on this your business at all? It's not a PE lesson, and you're not the teacher in charge of notes.

FreudiansSlipper · 09/08/2013 09:36

erm it's called a discussion people are putting across their views that is what aibu is about

LentilofDoom · 09/08/2013 09:42

It's the talking about excuses and exhorting people to be honest about why they choose to stay at home. Why should their reasons come under scrutiny at all?

FreudiansSlipper · 09/08/2013 09:51

start another thread asking that

but this is a place where people express their opinions, they make judgements on issue raised and people do not all agree

Peacocklady · 09/08/2013 09:52

Mimi, SOME people, including SAHP with school age children don't work because they cba, it's not a generalisation.
I personally think that if you are capable, healthy, have plenty of money and an education and no additional commitments you could spend some of your leisure time doing something productive, male or female.
Why not stick to the issues being discussed instead of bringing in imaginary ones?!

LentilofDoom · 09/08/2013 10:06

Wouldn't that be a thread about a thread?

I am simply asking, as part of this discussion, why you use words like excuse. And, out of interest more than anything, why you care about other peoples' reasons for not working outside the home?

I find all this talk about accounting for your productivity as a human being rather disturbing. Is there a box I can tick for that?

BlazinStoke · 09/08/2013 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schmee · 09/08/2013 10:17

"I find all this talk about accounting for your productivity as a human being rather disturbing. Is there a box I can tick for that?" - very good point.

It's not compulsory to aim for self-actualisation on a grand scale. I happen to think that doing a reasonable job of raising your kids is a worthwhile occupation. It's fundamental to the continuance of the human race, and personally I find that more important and fulfilling than paper pushing. But even if it wasn't, there is no law that says that you need to strive constantly towards a bigger goal. Sometimes contentment comes from taking each day at a time - "consider the lilies of the field" etc.

FreudiansSlipper · 09/08/2013 10:19

i used the word excuse because the reason for not working is that your children are in private school and have longer holidays is not really a reason if you can afford private education you can afford at least p/t holiday childcare

it was a reply to a point that had been raised, i do not agree.

i could have written well i understand you want to stay at home when your children are at school and because you have your children in private school you have longer holidays to consider but imo as part of this discussion that is irrelevant blah blah blah

Peacocklady · 09/08/2013 10:29

The OP's friend doesn't seem happy though, she sounds pretty bored by domestic tasks which is why she's outsourced everything and is bored at the idea of making sandwiches, it sounds like she needs a challenge of some sort. I would, I'd be bored out of my skull.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 09/08/2013 10:45

Apart from the fact that I don't have kids in private school and map car is not amazing I could be the OP's friend.

Gave up a good well paid career 7 or so years ago to be a SAHM. I'm happy , busy , have a lovely social life ( including lunches)and have no need or desire to get a job now my kids are in school. I did let the cleaner go once they started school but that was because she wanted to cut her working hours and I couldn't face hiring another after having had the same one for 10 years.

I do have a moan about being stressed sometimes, I do feel put upon by people who assume my SAHM status means I can drop everything to do favours at the drop of a hat. I do not feel lacking in confidence , if anything I feel better about myself now than I did when I was working.

I didn't marry a wealthy man ( as you put it ) , I married a man who did the same job, and was paid the same as me and we saved like mad before the kids arrived so that I could stay at home when the time came.I worked for 20 years in my previous career and now I have a different (unpaid!)one.

Luckily my friends have the up front honesty to tell me that they envy my lifestyle and don't tell me to get a job or assume that I'm having some problems with my self confidence!